Has anyone split up because of their step kids?

[eggsfor1]

I split with an ex nearly a year ago, we have 1 one year old child together.

He was never honest with my why the split happened, and today I found out it was because I wasn't a good enough step mum.

I find it all quite unfair, I did the best I could with what I knew, I was only 27 never really been around kids before and they were so young (4 & 6) they lived 1 hour 45 mins away and came eow.

I know this is probably naive but since having my own child I realise so many things that were so annoying are in fact normal, like arguing they used to argue 24/7 I didn't know this was a thing?! Eating, I didn't realise they could be so picky with food, even pick their own food and then decide they don't want it. As an adult I got frustrated by this. Touching, they wanted to touch me all the time, holding my hand or sitting on my lap, I found it all very strange. But now know this is normal too.

I wish he could have just spoken to me and we could have done something about this. I would have moved closer to them, or even just give me more time, I'm ready for family life now and everything that it entails.

I just wanted to know if this had happened to anyone else?

You do sound lovely OP. It sounds to me like he has guilt about being a shit dad and us trying to blame you for them not being as close as he'd like. It's more likely the fact he sees them 2 days out of 14 and lives almost 2 hours away 🙄

Also, nobody knows what it's like to have kids before your own. I remember thinking my nieces and nephews were spoiled fussy brats (even though I loved them). I actually remember saying to my ExH that our child would never get away with having tantrums, with being a fussy eater, would never watch YouTube on an iPad etc etc. I too thought they were attention seeking cos they were wanting us to do things 24/7. We used to look after them 1 weekend a month so I know not the same as a step parent relationship but my point is I both loved them and thought they were the most annoying kids ever.

Guess what?! My DD is a fussy eater, watches the iPad and wants attention 24/7 and I also wouldn't change her for the world!!! I love that she's strong willed, knows her own mind etc

It's just all these things you find annoying in other peoples kids suddenly don't matter when it's your own.

Nothing wrong with that!

How often does he see your DC? Does he have a good relationship with her?

@lucy5236

You do sound lovely OP. It sounds to me like he has guilt about being a shit dad and us trying to blame you for them not being as close as he'd like. It's more likely the fact he sees them 2 days out of 14 and lives almost 2 hours away 🙄

Also, nobody knows what it's like to have kids before your own. I remember thinking my nieces and nephews were spoiled fussy brats (even though I loved them). I actually remember saying to my ExH that our child would never get away with having tantrums, with being a fussy eater, would never watch YouTube on an iPad etc etc. I too thought they were attention seeking cos they were wanting us to do things 24/7. We used to look after them 1 weekend a month so I know not the same as a step parent relationship but my point is I both loved them and thought they were the most annoying kids ever.

Guess what?! My DD is a fussy eater, watches the iPad and wants attention 24/7 and I also wouldn't change her for the world!!! I love that she's strong willed, knows her own mind etc

It's just all these things you find annoying in other peoples kids suddenly don't matter when it's your own.

Nothing wrong with that!

How often does he see your DC? Does he have a good relationship with her?

Thank you for this, you are very kind.

I was exactly the same as you with my nephew.

Turns out all kids are the same haha.

He sees her once a week, for 3 hours. It's not great is it?

That's so tough for you and your DD but maybe best in the long run.

A bit ironic that he was criticising your step parenting skills when you spent EOW with his kids....and then he only then spends 3 hours a week with his own DD.

You made more effort with his kids than he even does with his own so he's not in a position to criticise anyone

@lucy5236

That's so tough for you and your DD but maybe best in the long run.

A bit ironic that he was criticising your step parenting skills when you spent EOW with his kids....and then he only then spends 3 hours a week with his own DD.

You made more effort with his kids than he even does with his own so he's not in a position to criticise anyone

Thank you 😭 he can be quite manipulative which I never realised before.

It's nice to have it said to me like that. He's made me feel pretty shitty. But it makes sense that it is just a projection of how he is feeling really.

I know I will be better off without him 😥 just this rubbish part to get through first!

I guess his perception is his reality and could be down to his unrealistic expectations for s SM.

From the examples you gave, it seems you showed irritation and annoyance with his kids over what you now experience as normal. I don't think any parent would want their kids around a partner who found them irritating pretty much all the time.

He left you when your baby was just 10 weeks old, which is pretty bad, however, my observations are often that new mums who are stepmothers, can become even more irritated by their stepkids, perhaps with the hormones and the stress of being a new mum....and while you think you're doing a great job hiding these feelings of annoyance, that's not necessarily the case. If your Ex picks up on that, then it could be the reason he ended things.

I see so many new mums, who express feelings of wishing it was just her, him and new baby...they feel resentful towards the SC and don't want them coming over. While they don't vocalise this to their DP/DH, it's not unimaginable that these feelings will be visible to them.

I'm not saying this was you, just that it's a possibility to some extent.

It does seem like your Ex is a lazy dad, based on a measly 3 hours a week with your baby.

Does he have any diagnosed MH issue?

@SandyY2K I'd possibly accept that if he was a brilliant dad and putting his kids first.

He doesn't sound like he has a great relationship with any of his kids tbh and I find it absolutely shocking that he can criticise her step parenting skills when she made much more effort with someone else's kids than he does with his own.

I think in reality he's realised how bad his relationship is with the kids from his first relationship and it was easier to blame her than to consider that it might actually be lack of effort on his own part

@eggsfor1 he does sound very manipulative!

After I split up from DDs dad i realised how manipulative he was. Even now (5 years on) situations come up or memories come back and I realise other examples of things he said or did which I'm now realising were him manipulating things.

It does get so much easier tho, just don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. You're basically bringing up your DD single handedly and I bet you're doing amazing!

[quote lucy5236]@SandyY2K I'd possibly accept that if he was a brilliant dad and putting his kids first.

He doesn't sound like he has a great relationship with any of his kids tbh and I find it absolutely shocking that he can criticise her step parenting skills when she made much more effort with someone else's kids than he does with his own.

I think in reality he's realised how bad his relationship is with the kids from his first relationship and it was easier to blame her than to consider that it might actually be lack of effort on his own part [/quote]
Not to mention he left HIS OWN newborn baby with OP, and doesn't see her much now, and he's criticising her effort level with stepkids. It screams guilt and deflecting.

@SandyY2K

I guess his perception is his reality and could be down to his unrealistic expectations for s SM.

From the examples you gave, it seems you showed irritation and annoyance with his kids over what you now experience as normal. I don't think any parent would want their kids around a partner who found them irritating pretty much all the time.

He left you when your baby was just 10 weeks old, which is pretty bad, however, my observations are often that new mums who are stepmothers, can become even more irritated by their stepkids, perhaps with the hormones and the stress of being a new mum....and while you think you're doing a great job hiding these feelings of annoyance, that's not necessarily the case. If your Ex picks up on that, then it could be the reason he ended things.

I see so many new mums, who express feelings of wishing it was just her, him and new baby...they feel resentful towards the SC and don't want them coming over. While they don't vocalise this to their DP/DH, it's not unimaginable that these feelings will be visible to them.

I'm not saying this was you, just that it's a possibility to some extent.

It does seem like your Ex is a lazy dad, based on a measly 3 hours a week with your baby.

Does he have any diagnosed MH issue?

Yes you are right, I had a bit of a traumatic birth and illness after so I did not want them to come straight round after the birth.

I wanted all the help I could get and preferred that they were not around. I can remember how I felt exactly now and it feels like it was a little irrational. It must have been the hormones.

Perhaps my ex thought I would always be like this?!

Tbh I feel like I have only just started to come out of the baby fog within the last couple of weeks.

He has no MH diagnosis.

[quote lucy5236]@eggsfor1 he does sound very manipulative!

After I split up from DDs dad i realised how manipulative he was. Even now (5 years on) situations come up or memories come back and I realise other examples of things he said or did which I'm now realising were him manipulating things.

It does get so much easier tho, just don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. You're basically bringing up your DD single handedly and I bet you're doing amazing! [/quote]
Ah thank you so much. My dc is amazing, she has bought a whole new meaning to my life. I'm sure you have done and amazing job too, protecting your children.

How old were your children when you split?

I am a little nervous of the next few years solo parenting and working, but I've already done so much more than I ever thought I could do so just trying to take one day at a time.

Yes you are right, I had a bit of a traumatic birth and illness after so I did not want them to come straight round after the birth.

I can understand this, although I'm not sure what you mean by straight after....do you mean the day you left the hospital or you didn't want them round for a couple of weeks?

From his perspective, it can look like now you have your own baby, you don't want his kids around.

I wanted all the help I could get and preferred that they were not around. I can remember how I felt exactly now and it feels like it was a little irrational. It must have been the hormones.

You're very honest to admit this here. Your preference for them not to be around must have been obvious to him. For you, they were annoying, but to him, they're his kids and it may have felt like you were rejecting them.

I'm not supporting him, I'm just trying to present an alternative perspective to the situation, particularly as your relationship broke down just after you had a baby. It came across to me that there was a link between the two.

He obviously didn't notice you were struggling and a supportive partner would have discussed things with you, rather than just leaving at such a vulnerable time. Now he has 2 sets of kids with different mums.

I also suspect that like a lot of SMs, you did a lot of the caring for the kids and were blind to how he lacked as a hands on involved dad...then when you had your baby, you stopped, reduced or were reluctant to do what you did and he noticed....because he had to do it....In his eyes, that translates to you treating them differently/worse/unfairly.

Perhaps my ex thought I would always be like this?!

Probably. Communication is key.

Maybe you can talk to him again... take things slow and be patient with him children?

@LindaEllen

Ask me in a few months and the answer might be yes.

It's not my partner's fault at all, but 17yo is rude, lazy, loud, aggressive and argumentative, drinking a lot and shouting at us, and I'm just reaching the end of my tether. I love DP but I can't take much more of this.

FWIW he was a lovely little boy when we first met. I'd never have guessed this would happen.

Try and stick it out if you can. My SD has been like this for years.

She's 20 and by now is at the age where she'll be moving out and getting a job soon after uni. It's amazing how much changes between 17 and 20 when they get a car and suddenly don't want to be anywhere near their parents.

I found detaching emotionally helped. Once I did that it became much easier

I think he wanted me to be an all singing and dancing step mum. But I didn't know how to do this?!

Typical. You don't have to do this. He's their Dad, he's the one who should be doing all the singing and dancing!

He's trying to blame you to ease his own guilt I imagine OP.

I think exh and his exp split up because of our dds. She really didn't want them.

I think exh and his exp split up because of our dds. She really didn't want them.

Better for her to end the situation she was in than carry on though, surely?

I split up with my ex mainly because of him and his ex who made being a stepparent to their child pretty miserable. Their child is actually a good kid and I didn’t have a problem with them personally, but I didn’t enjoy being a stepmum to them because of the adults involved. So I was glad to not be in that situation anymore.

I don't want to sound harsh but putting hands in your pockets to avoid children holding your hand is not very nice.
I know it's easier with your onw child because you obviously love them from day one but there was no guarantee that you would have warmed up to somebody else's kids.

@MarkUp

I think he wanted me to be an all singing and dancing step mum. But I didn't know how to do this?!

Typical. You don't have to do this. He's their Dad, he's the one who should be doing all the singing and dancing!

He's trying to blame you to ease his own guilt I imagine OP.

When I was dating my partner I paid a lot of attention to how he interacted with my child. It's not about someone replacing you as a parent at all but if they are going to be in my life and create a family with me they need to like my child and be a good role model for them.

When I was dating my partner I paid a lot of attention to how he interacted with my child. It's not about someone replacing you as a parent at all but if they are going to be in my life and create a family with me they need to like my child and be a good role model for them.

Good job he decided she wasn't up to scratch straight after there baby was born then, wasn't it.

Hi OP,
What I’m about to write isn’t to try and make you feel bad but I was in your partner’s position many years ago so I thought it might help you understand it from the other side.

I had a DD who was 3 when I met my ex. My DD understandably was (and still is) the most important thing in the world to me. She has always been such a well behaved, lovely child... even at 3, no tantrums, good manners etc. People would always comment on what a nice kid she was.

My ex had literally zero experience of children. He was a late “surprise” baby for his parents and his 2 older brothers are 12 years older than him. His niece & nephews therefore were in their early 20s when we met and I was only 26 myself so there were literally no children whatsoever in his family.

He was a good man. He loved me very much and appeared to really care for my DD too. Her dad isn’t in the picture (lives in Australia, us in the uk) and I honestly thought we’d met our “happy ever after” man.

We moved in, got engaged and I fell pregnant with our DS quite quickly (failed coil, unplanned). Whilst living together I noticed him getting irritated by my DD more and more for just behaving like a child.

He was annoyed at her wanting to sing, or set up tea parties in the living room for her dolls, or her climbing into my side of the bed in the morning.

He resenting the amount of love and attention I showered on her because he’d never been in a relationship where he had to “share” his partner before.

I tried to be understanding but I remember clearly a few incidents when I was pregnant where I watched him physically recoil from my DD when she tried to be affectionate towards him. I watched her lean into him for a cuddle and the look of revulsion on his face was clear to see.

I knew there and then that our relationship couldn’t work. It was even harder when our son was born and I saw him overwhelmed with love for him but seemingly brimming with annoyance for my DD who was adjusting to life as a big sister.

She had been my one and only, and she was overwhelmed with love for her baby brother but also (bless her) concerned for me. “Stepdad you have to be careful not to put the blanket too close to the baby’s face because it’s dangerous” she said to me one day.

My reaction was immediately to find it lovely she was so caring and remembering the things I taught her about the baby. My ex decided it was patronising and it resulted in a huge row with him saying “I’m not having a 4 year old telling me what to do!”

He perceived everything so differently to me in the same situations because he literally had no clue about children or how they behave.

We split up when our DS was only a few months old. My ex at the time didn’t realise just how damaging his rejecting behaviour was being to my child’s self esteem.
And at the end of the day, I’m her parent and it’s my job to protect my child. I had to leave so she wouldn’t feel “less than” in her own home.

OP you cannot fix what you unintentionally did, but you can make amends now. My ex and I did not get along for a year or two post split... but one day we had a frank discussion when our DS turned 3 (the same age my DD was when we met) and my ex said “I look back at what DD was like now DS is 3. She was a really good kid and I realise now I was wrong. I’m sorry”.

I cried, he cried, we had a hug. It was a turning point in our relationship. We became friends from that point on and our coparenting relationship is great now. He’s even built a nice relationship with my DD (who is 10 now and DS is 6.5) and has her for sleepovers with her brother occasionally or he’ll include her in days out.

Unfortunately our romantic relationship never recovered. I’m actually due to get married to lovely DP who I’ve been with for 5 years.

But you can make this right with your child’s siblings and your ex. You can all get along now even though you’re not together.

Acknowledging how you treated his children and apologising (even though it was unintentional) would be a big step in healing some wounds.

@SpongebobNoPants

Hi OP, What I’m about to write isn’t to try and make you feel bad but I was in your partner’s position many years ago so I thought it might help you understand it from the other side.

I had a DD who was 3 when I met my ex. My DD understandably was (and still is) the most important thing in the world to me. She has always been such a well behaved, lovely child... even at 3, no tantrums, good manners etc. People would always comment on what a nice kid she was.

My ex had literally zero experience of children. He was a late “surprise” baby for his parents and his 2 older brothers are 12 years older than him. His niece & nephews therefore were in their early 20s when we met and I was only 26 myself so there were literally no children whatsoever in his family.

He was a good man. He loved me very much and appeared to really care for my DD too. Her dad isn’t in the picture (lives in Australia, us in the uk) and I honestly thought we’d met our “happy ever after” man.

We moved in, got engaged and I fell pregnant with our DS quite quickly (failed coil, unplanned). Whilst living together I noticed him getting irritated by my DD more and more for just behaving like a child.

He was annoyed at her wanting to sing, or set up tea parties in the living room for her dolls, or her climbing into my side of the bed in the morning.

He resenting the amount of love and attention I showered on her because he’d never been in a relationship where he had to “share” his partner before.

I tried to be understanding but I remember clearly a few incidents when I was pregnant where I watched him physically recoil from my DD when she tried to be affectionate towards him. I watched her lean into him for a cuddle and the look of revulsion on his face was clear to see.

I knew there and then that our relationship couldn’t work. It was even harder when our son was born and I saw him overwhelmed with love for him but seemingly brimming with annoyance for my DD who was adjusting to life as a big sister.

She had been my one and only, and she was overwhelmed with love for her baby brother but also (bless her) concerned for me. “Stepdad you have to be careful not to put the blanket too close to the baby’s face because it’s dangerous” she said to me one day.

My reaction was immediately to find it lovely she was so caring and remembering the things I taught her about the baby. My ex decided it was patronising and it resulted in a huge row with him saying “I’m not having a 4 year old telling me what to do!”

He perceived everything so differently to me in the same situations because he literally had no clue about children or how they behave.

We split up when our DS was only a few months old. My ex at the time didn’t realise just how damaging his rejecting behaviour was being to my child’s self esteem.
And at the end of the day, I’m her parent and it’s my job to protect my child. I had to leave so she wouldn’t feel “less than” in her own home.

OP you cannot fix what you unintentionally did, but you can make amends now. My ex and I did not get along for a year or two post split... but one day we had a frank discussion when our DS turned 3 (the same age my DD was when we met) and my ex said “I look back at what DD was like now DS is 3. She was a really good kid and I realise now I was wrong. I’m sorry”.

I cried, he cried, we had a hug. It was a turning point in our relationship. We became friends from that point on and our coparenting relationship is great now. He’s even built a nice relationship with my DD (who is 10 now and DS is 6.5) and has her for sleepovers with her brother occasionally or he’ll include her in days out.

Unfortunately our romantic relationship never recovered. I’m actually due to get married to lovely DP who I’ve been with for 5 years.

But you can make this right with your child’s siblings and your ex. You can all get along now even though you’re not together.

Acknowledging how you treated his children and apologising (even though it was unintentional) would be a big step in healing some wounds.

Thank you for your response. When I read it there were parts that really resonated with me.

I think this is what basically happened with my ex and I

I have since apologised to him as DSC were just normal kids, it was me with the issues.

I thought that we were turning a corner, but a few days ago I found out that he has been dating someone at work for over 6 months and is now living with her. After I asked him outright if he was seeing anyone else - he always said 'no'. She actually has a child too, so it will be interesting to see what he makes of step parenting.

It is a real shame as I really thought we could work things out. It's been nearly a year of me questioning every aspect of myself and our relationship.

I hope one day we are able to co parent well, Ivr had enough heartbreak to fill a lifetime. I just want to be the best mum I can be now.xxx

@Guavafish

Maybe you can talk to him again... take things slow and be patient with him children?

I wish this was an option! 😭

I thought that we were turning a corner, but a few days ago I found out that he has been dating someone at work for over 6 months and is now living with her. After I asked him outright if he was seeing anyone else - he always said 'no'. She actually has a child too, so it will be interesting to see what he makes of step parenting

It is a real shame as I really thought we could work things out. It's been nearly a year of me questioning every aspect of myself and our relationship

This sounds very much like my ex. I was able to move on quite quickly after we officially ended because in my head I had emotionally detached from him during the course of our relationship due to his behaviour towards my daughter.

It sounds cruel but he sees it as me meeting someone else only 6 months after our split, but in my head I had been emotionally divorced from my Ex for at least 6-12 months prior.

It sounds like there isn’t much hope for a romantic reconciliation but you can move forward and be amazing parents to your child.

Look, he's VERY classic - a shit dad with multiple kids who thinks women are there to parent his kids. He's 10p a punnet. He's got 3 kids by different mums and has little contact with all of them. He's a baby daddy.

He blames you because he's a sexist tool who thinks women need to do his job.

You made the mistake of having no kids yourself and dating a guy with kids. 99% of the time, this is shit for the woman. I've no idea why they do it.

So here's an important lesson to learn: focus on you, your life and your DD not on men and dating. You meet a man and he tries to shift parenting duties for his kids to you, dump immediately.