Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

@Britsmums11

I don't think the ex has much choice to be honest its 50:50 or no payments. So the choice is hers ultimately

Wow, aren't you lovely. So you're basically blackmailing her and probably hoping she (or your SS) won't agree to 50/50 so you can cut the payments. Nice.

OP, can your DH get a job to work around yours, (evenings, weekends) to pay his CM? He should be looking down every avenue to fulfil his responsibilities.

50:50 is pretty shit for a kid. Moving around every few days or week. Being away from friends. Do you have a room for him and live close to his school?

You’re basically holding his mother to ransom.

I have to agree with @TrustTheGeneGenie

My 5 year old - childcare cost aside - doesn't cost £250 per month when averaged over the year taking into account needing school uniform once a year and a couple of wardrobe top ups and that includes things like swimming lessons and days out - plus she'd be getting £80 a month in child benefit

My baby twins....yes probably cost that in formulae and nappies

Also when you think about the £250 is supposed to be 50% of the cost of the child......so that would assume that it costs £500 per month to feed and clothe the child.....

@TrustTheGeneGenie I realised I forgot their mum will still be paying for some of their food etc when he is with her. And I'm guessing half of school trips etc. So yeah could be doable.

@ivfgottwins

Also when you think about the £250 is supposed to be 50% of the cost of the child......so that would assume that it costs £500 per month to feed and clothe the child.....

Yes, I forgot this bit.

Would a court move to giving 50/50 if the mum wanted to fight it?

@TrustTheGeneGenie you say that others on here are biased, but I find your posts especially to be incredibly biased towards supporting step parents, no matter what they say. The op on this thread has made it pretty clear that she’s motivated by saving money, and she’s also spelled out that she’s only really considering how her own child is affected by all this. Do you not think her attitude is a bit harsh towards all of this?

How old is your dss @Britsmums11 and what does HE want to do?

Because that's what's important here: the child. If he's been used to eow and one night in the week, and he's expressed no desire to see his dad more, then forcing 50/50 is very very unfair on the child. It's disruptive and causes huge anxiety. I mean, if he wants to and the ex wife is reliant on that money, then that works just fine.

If not, then you really are not considering dss in this at all.

And by the way, child maintenance is to support the child. That means spending it to its best effect, as household income. You don't get to dictate that op.

I hope you're never in the ex's situation, because I suspect you'd be up in arms if you were treated the way your husband is treating his ex.

@Britsmums11

I don't think the ex has much choice to be honest its 50:50 or no payments. So the choice is hers ultimately

Depending on son's age I think he should have a say. Do you think 50/50 would benefit him?

@ThatIsMyPotato seems like a bit of a race to the bottom to see how little this family can spend on the DSS.

Hopefully Dad will sit down and write a budget and they can have the same standard of living as OPs family in terms of food. I can't imagine they'll be fed bread and butter while the rest of the family have full meals.

I mean, you can choose for your DH to give up work and hope that his ex doesn't take you up on your 50/50 offer... which she probably won't if it's not in her child's best interests. If he's likely to be treated as a second-class citizen in your house, then he probably won't want to come.

But everything has a price. The price here will be your step-son's welfare, the parenting relationship between your DH and his ex and ultimately the relationship between your DH and his son. She is (understandably) likely to regard your DH as a complete arse who doesn't care about his first child going without and will probably do little to promote their relationship in future. He will ultimately grow up to understand that, actually, his father didn't care enough about him to contribute to his upbringing and that's one of the reasons money was so tight.

[quote TheSilence]@TrustTheGeneGenie you say that others on here are biased, but I find your posts especially to be incredibly biased towards supporting step parents, no matter what they say. The op on this thread has made it pretty clear that she’s motivated by saving money, and she’s also spelled out that she’s only really considering how her own child is affected by all this. Do you not think her attitude is a bit harsh towards all of this?[/quote]
I'm not bias towards step parents, I just don't jump to the conclusion that they're all bastards like you do. Why wouldn't she consider her own child first. Every other parent does. It's for her dp to equally consider both children.

I don't think her attitude is harsh, no, and I think it takes a lot to offer to have a child 50/50 from eow.

Why wouldn't she consider her own child first. Every other parent does. It's for her dp to equally consider both children.

This is so depressing. Glad all stepparents don't think like this.

Any reason why your husband can't get a job in the evening, a few night a week, in order to at least help,out somewhat? You're attitude if I'm the priority as is my child, and meh to his eldest, is a little appalling quite frankly. I understand that financially it works best for you and the new child for him not to work, but to contributing bugger all to his eldest, I can't understand how any parent, could go along with that.

@LaceyBetty

Why wouldn't she consider her own child first. Every other parent does. It's for her dp to equally consider both children.

This is so depressing. Glad all stepparents don't think like this.

I imagine most of us do.

In fact what's depressing is thinking that step parents shouldn't put their own children first.

Your dh being so willing to treat his first child shabbily is bad news, op.
I'm not ill wishing you, and hope you have a long and happy relationship, but you now know how your own child would be regarded should you end up apart.
That's not something I could make my peace with.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

In fact what's depressing is thinking that step parents shouldn't put their own children first.

The thing that is depressing is that op is encouraging her dh to consider ways to reduce the financial support towards his eldest child. Op has already stated quite clearly that her baby comes first. His first that work if dss is there 50% of the time? If op wants her child to come first, then 50/50 care will bit make that possible. Because they will need to be treated equally. Or are you suggesting that dss must wait his turn until child number two'a needs have been met first as a priority?

The op's attitude is quite concerning IMO

So you can afford to pay the equivalent if you have him 50/50 but not to pay the maintenance.

Seems like it's more about pissing off the ex than anything else. Are you even considering if 50/50 is in the best interest for your step son because you haven't mentioned that at all.

It's great you're laser focused on your babies needs but your husband has already got his first baby, shame he isn't so laser focused on his needs and the importance of having them met.

Fuck being held to ransom, I'd tell you to keep your money and your offer for 50/50 unless it genuinely benefited my child.

Why can't he work weekends or evenings? Poor SS.

His first that work if dss is there 50% of the time?

Should read "how would that work..."

@TrustTheGeneGenie why do you think that I jump to the conclusion that all step parents are bastards? Not sure if I’ve ever posted anything that gives that impression, but feel free to find a quote I’ve written that does, just so I can see it and reflect on it.

Because I can assure you that I definitely don’t think that. I think step parents, step mothers in particular are given an extremely hard time on here, a lot of the time unfairly. I just don’t think on this thread that the op is in the right. I definitely don’t think she’s a ‘bastard’ in any way. I just find her approach a bit unfair. The dad too of course.

@SquirtleSquad

Why can't he work weekends or evenings? Poor SS.

When would he see him considering that is his contact time? Or does that not better as long as he pays?

@ivfgottwins

I have to agree with *@TrustTheGeneGenie*

My 5 year old - childcare cost aside - doesn't cost £250 per month when averaged over the year taking into account needing school uniform once a year and a couple of wardrobe top ups and that includes things like swimming lessons and days out - plus she'd be getting £80 a month in child benefit

My baby twins....yes probably cost that in formulae and nappies

Hint: they don't stay 5-years-old. They become teenagers. Those become right expensive.