SS Lying - Really Need Advice!

[idontunderstandwhypeopledothis]

Hi all, I just need some advice on something that's recently cropped up in our family unit.

I have a SS(9) and SD(7) we have them 50/50, everything is hunky dory, no issues with them whatsoever, home life is brilliant when they're here.
The past few times SS has been crying to his mum saying he doesn't want to come to our house because daddy is mean. He's not explained anything to us or his mum and we have no idea what he meant by that.
Last night, according to mum (and I do believe her) he was in hysterics winding himself up not wanting to come to dads, again because daddy is mean.
He wasn't forced to come but was told he has to talk to daddy to resolve what's going on because both me and DH have no idea what he's going on about.
So, after he went home his mum managed to get him to talk and some of the things he's come out with (which she told me and my DH) are just outright lies. SS has twisted the truth on ALOT if things heavily and naturally mum is in protection mode and believes SS on everything which I completely understand but SS has been caught out lying before.

We can't disprove any of his claims because they're literally all things that happen in our house and they're completely minor things like 'daddy takes my phone off me' yes he does but only at night when SS is going to bed. One major thing is that he's scared of his dad. Now, I have NEVER seen anything to warrant him to be scared of my DH, he's never smacked him, shouted at him (although according to SS he shouts all the time) he's never said anything nasty to either of the kids.

One thing SS did say was that he wanted it to go back to how things were before my LO was born and mum did admit she senses some jealousy and I will say that all this has only started recently. Again, yes our dynamics have changed to fit the needs of a baby but nothing has changed towards either of the SK and they are both treated exactly the same so the fact that SS is in hysterics over coming and SD isn't is beyond me!

I just need some advice on what to do, mum doesn't believe either me or DH at all and SS has literally painted his dad out to be a complete monster when he's not.

If anyone could advise that would be great because I'm just at a loss really!

And before anyone says why am I involved, mum involved me in the first instance because it's all to do with things going on in our home.

@Weirdfan

I did say this to my DH earlier that none of the misinformation really matters, what matters is getting SS to admit there's something deeper and to actually talk about his feelings and why he's feeling that way and what we can do to fix that 😊

@Thisnamewasnttaken123 I completely apologise, I must have read your reply wrong.

No problem @idontunderstandwhypeopledothis

@Tiredoftattler

That sounds like a good way of putting it, she knows he's not innocent too and she knows he's been caught out before so I think that's w good way of trying to get her to see it from the bigger picture. Also yes, agree with you totally I think once we're all on the same page we can actually deal with the problem 😊

@idontunderstandwhypeopledothis my dd was 10 when her 1st half sibling was born & 11 when the second one was born. My boys were 13 & 18.
Dd struggled a bit initially & while she never told lies she exaggerated what was going on in her dads to yes, gain sympathy & attention. She wasn't unhappy per sae - she was disgruntled because things had changed and she was no longer the centre of attention.

She too wanted to stop going to her dad's but I talked through everything with her, explaining how babies initially require a lot of everyone's time but that eventually stops & how all life is change and how learning to adapt to change is really important.
Her dad & I & her sm gave her attention & but not too much & she eventually settled.
This sort of stuff (sibling jealousy) happens very regularly in intact families but both parents are on hand to deal with it. The problem with blended families is that children very quickly learn to play one parent off against the other as neither parent knows exactly what is going on in the other household. Human nature strives for what it wants & kids can be highly manipulative in trying to obtain what they want.
I think if your dh, his ex (& maybe you) could both sit down with dss there would be a better possibility of getting the truth out of him as in that situation he can't play one off against the other.
If dss is genuinely distressed about something that's one thing, but if it's just jealousy & change then for his own sake he needs to be taught how to reasonably manage those emotions.
Fwiw my dc still go to the wall when I get cross with them. I get cross soooooo rarely that when I do they behave like the world is ending & two of them are adults at this stage!!!
If your dss is used to calm environments the effects of the 'stress' of a baby (even if mild) could also be unsettling him as others have observed.

@Magda72

Thank you for giving me another view, I don't think mum and dad are going to talk for a while, they have a habit of blowing at eachother which drives me up the wall because it's not hard to have a normal conversation and listen to eachother 🙄
I ended up speaking to mum last night when SS finally decided he wanted to stay for one night, I explained that I felt that he wasn't exactly lying per se but was seeing things from a different view and maybe that needs explaining to him and also that all the little things such as the better before LO comment, asking for mummy and daddy to get back together last year and the baby voice all of a sudden make sense and he's maybe just wanting attention.
She did add that she has known all he's wanted is mummy and daddy to get back together and by me and my DH having the LO has just basically shattered that for him so I do completely understand.
I think dad will sit and talk to him and do what you've suggested really, I think our attention and love just need reinforcing.