SS Lying - Really Need Advice!

[idontunderstandwhypeopledothis]

Hi all, I just need some advice on something that's recently cropped up in our family unit.

I have a SS(9) and SD(7) we have them 50/50, everything is hunky dory, no issues with them whatsoever, home life is brilliant when they're here.
The past few times SS has been crying to his mum saying he doesn't want to come to our house because daddy is mean. He's not explained anything to us or his mum and we have no idea what he meant by that.
Last night, according to mum (and I do believe her) he was in hysterics winding himself up not wanting to come to dads, again because daddy is mean.
He wasn't forced to come but was told he has to talk to daddy to resolve what's going on because both me and DH have no idea what he's going on about.
So, after he went home his mum managed to get him to talk and some of the things he's come out with (which she told me and my DH) are just outright lies. SS has twisted the truth on ALOT if things heavily and naturally mum is in protection mode and believes SS on everything which I completely understand but SS has been caught out lying before.

We can't disprove any of his claims because they're literally all things that happen in our house and they're completely minor things like 'daddy takes my phone off me' yes he does but only at night when SS is going to bed. One major thing is that he's scared of his dad. Now, I have NEVER seen anything to warrant him to be scared of my DH, he's never smacked him, shouted at him (although according to SS he shouts all the time) he's never said anything nasty to either of the kids.

One thing SS did say was that he wanted it to go back to how things were before my LO was born and mum did admit she senses some jealousy and I will say that all this has only started recently. Again, yes our dynamics have changed to fit the needs of a baby but nothing has changed towards either of the SK and they are both treated exactly the same so the fact that SS is in hysterics over coming and SD isn't is beyond me!

I just need some advice on what to do, mum doesn't believe either me or DH at all and SS has literally painted his dad out to be a complete monster when he's not.

If anyone could advise that would be great because I'm just at a loss really!

And before anyone says why am I involved, mum involved me in the first instance because it's all to do with things going on in our home.

@Apileofballyhoo

Exactly this. The pair of them always look they're being told off when they're not, it's loopy! 😂

I think we do need to whittle down to the feelings but also explain why things happen, from what I've been told he seems to think his dad is gunning for him and it is definitely not like that. He is seeing a one time situation as if it always happens and I think we need to understand how it makes him feel but he also needs to understand why it happened and actions lead to consequences.

You've made me remember a time when I was early stages of pregnancy where in front of his mum he awkwardly said 'I wish you and daddy lived together' to which me and his mum were abit like 'errr yeah...' obviously she spoke to him nicely about it but it's all adding up now.

It is a boy and I did say last night if it was a girl I don't think we'd be having this issue.

Could you not get some monitors or cameras, so you can see if there is problem with dh or it is ds lying .at least then you can prove either way .
Might sound abit drastic but that's what I would do

@Quincie

No, the funny thing is (and I said this to his mum) it's always in the bottom of his bag with no charge and half the time we don't even know he's got it and when we do we always offer to charge it and he just says not to bother.

@Inthesameboatatmo

I did say to mum when we were talking that I wished she was a fly on the wall in our house sometimes!

I did say to DH when he does speak to SS to record it so that if he goes back to mum and says something untrue about the conversation then DH can prove it so that we can actually deal with the real problem

I already don't have help for a week straight and then when the SK are here I already feel limited to ask for the help from DH

Why do you not have help from DH for a week straight?

@UhtredRagnarson
I know I know but I just want mum to realise what I am now realising that he's said all these things because of how he feels and right now she's on defence mode (understandably).

We didn't think that was an issue before but I've just replied to someone else about in incident that happened a while back and it makes sense to me now.

@UhtredRagnarson he works 12 hour shifts days and nights so days he's at work and gets in too late to do the night feed and is up mega early to work and nights he's working all night and sleeps most of the day. Sorry for the bad grammar in this one 😂

@Inthesameboatatmo

Could you not get some monitors or cameras, so you can see if there is problem with dh or it is ds lying .at least then you can prove either way . Might sound abit drastic but that's what I would do

Fucking hell!

Cameras in your home to prove who is lying?

Please don’t do anything as bonkers as this.

@UhtredRagnarson oh Christ no! My DH would then have to admit he actually snores 😂

I did say to DH when he does speak to SS to record it so that if he goes back to mum and says something untrue about the conversation then DH can prove it so that we can actually deal with the real problem

What is wrong with you??? How would you feel if someone was telling your DH to record you when you had a disagreement?

@UhtredRagnarson

If it showed me I was being a nob (not saying SS is don't get me wrong on that!) then I'd say go for it!

Wow.

Do you have photos of the other children as babies around the house - pics of DH with baby SS on his knee - remembering funny things he did places they went?? Proof that DH loved him as a baby and they had good times.

@UhtredRagnarson what?

@Quincie I think mum has most of the baby pictures but we have photos of the kids together, we have photos of the kids with the baby new born, I have photos I'm waiting to put on the walls (currently decorating living room) with all our family days out so far.

For DH birthday I got him a card from all the kids with pictures mostly of the SK and DH together on it (few with DH and our son). I do recall both of them neglecting to mention our son in the card when they drew family pictures for him.

I just feel so frustrated and upset that SS didn't feel comfortable enough to say anything to either of us

I think this needs to be the focus, what's really going on with SS that has made him so unhappy he's lied about his dad? I wonder whether a sit-down chat with you, SS and mum might be an idea? If you went from the angle that you're worried that SS is unhappy at your house and that you'd like SS's help to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it? You are ideally placed to refute the stuff about DH shouting etc and could gently question why SS is saying that when you both know it isn't true and draw the focus back to what's really making SS feel bad about DH/your home. I'm not talking about any kind of confrontation or forcing SS to 'own up' about the lies, just a gentle conversation about what's making him unhappy, because something is.

@Weirdfan that sounds like a good idea and it was offered when chatting with mum to encourage SS. I've already said to mum I have no idea where all this misinformation has come from but she's so far into defence mode she won't listen to anything me or DH have to say. She's trying to protect her son again I understand that but she's protecting them from the wrong people and I need to get her to open her mind before SS is involved really.

I think if you fill mum in on some of the stuff this thread has brought to light she might get on board, worth a try. You'll need to approach it carefully with her, make it very clear that all you're interested in is SS's happiness and ask for her help. Be aware that you will be in defence mode on behalf of your DH as much as mum will be for SS so you both have to be able to drop that and focus on working together if this has a chance of working. Everything you say to her needs to be about helping SS and acknowledging that there may be reasons for his behaviour no one has considered. Good luck, I hope it helps and you can start to work things out.

Tell the mum you want to record her child when he has at your house. See how that goes down. I suspect your problems with him at your house will disappear sharpish.

@Weirdfan that is true about defence mode, I've always said though if I knew my DH was in the wrong or had done something wrong to the kids I would call him out and be truthful with mum if she ever asked which I was in the conversation with her about one situation we had (it's the only time I've ever seen DH visibly upset with SS). This is all for SS, everything I do or try to do is for the good of the SK but thank you for your advice it's really appreciated!

@UhtredRagnarson I didn't suggest to record him all the time! Jesus that is crazy and no body has the bloody time or mental capacity for that! Just the initial conversation where SS and DH talk about what has happened and what DH can do to help SS because I have a horrible feeling if it didn't go the way SS would like for whatever reason he wouldn't voice that to DH or even me and would go back crying to his mum again. This isn't the first time we've had this but it is the worst time it's happened.

@UhtredRagnarson
Can I just add I feel horrible even suggesting it, that DH and I don't trust SS that much to suggest this is awful and I know that but what else can we do to try and show that it is misinformation and there is a deeper issue if mum won't listen to us or even just DH?

That totally comes through in your posts OP, I just thought it couldn't hurt to reassure mum that you're focusing on helping SS rather than exonerating DH, she'll hopefully be more receptive if you open with that.

Ultimately if you can get to the root of what's upsetting SS none of the other stuff will matter, it will show mum that DH hasn't done anything wrong and you won't need to worry about proving anything. If you can offer mum some alternative reasons why SS is lashing out in this way she might just listen to you.

I think it might help if you look at resources about how to help children adjust to a new sibling. Usually involves spending a lot of one on one time with the insecure child. If SS doesn't want to come to your house if suggest your DH picks him up from his Mum's and brings him out to the park or something. Your DH really needs to step up.

"@Thisnamewasnttaken123 so if your child was naughty they wouldn't be punished? If your child was being rude and using disgusting language to their friends on ps you wouldn't remove it? You discipline your way my DH will discipline his, no way is right, everyone has their own way of doing it."

What on earth are you talking about?
I didn't ever say I disagreed with him taking his things away when he was naughty?
Infact I agreed with it and said that it was good parenting?!
It's how I discipline my own kids.
I asked what her problem was with that.. because there is nothing wrong with taking things away when kids are naughty...

OP, if you are inclined to reach out to the mom, you might begin by asking her if she has ever said something to the son that he has experienced or interpreted in a way that she did not intend? This is an experience that many of us have with our kids at one time or another.

The way that our words or received or experienced do not always coincide with our meaning or intent. Make it clear that you believe that he is truthfully expressing his feelings, but that there is a disconnect between his feelings and his father 's intentions.

End your conversation by saying that the one place in which there is a real connection is in the fact that you 3 adults want only what is best for the son. That should be your mutual connection and starting point.