SS Lying - Really Need Advice!

[idontunderstandwhypeopledothis]

Hi all, I just need some advice on something that's recently cropped up in our family unit.

I have a SS(9) and SD(7) we have them 50/50, everything is hunky dory, no issues with them whatsoever, home life is brilliant when they're here.
The past few times SS has been crying to his mum saying he doesn't want to come to our house because daddy is mean. He's not explained anything to us or his mum and we have no idea what he meant by that.
Last night, according to mum (and I do believe her) he was in hysterics winding himself up not wanting to come to dads, again because daddy is mean.
He wasn't forced to come but was told he has to talk to daddy to resolve what's going on because both me and DH have no idea what he's going on about.
So, after he went home his mum managed to get him to talk and some of the things he's come out with (which she told me and my DH) are just outright lies. SS has twisted the truth on ALOT if things heavily and naturally mum is in protection mode and believes SS on everything which I completely understand but SS has been caught out lying before.

We can't disprove any of his claims because they're literally all things that happen in our house and they're completely minor things like 'daddy takes my phone off me' yes he does but only at night when SS is going to bed. One major thing is that he's scared of his dad. Now, I have NEVER seen anything to warrant him to be scared of my DH, he's never smacked him, shouted at him (although according to SS he shouts all the time) he's never said anything nasty to either of the kids.

One thing SS did say was that he wanted it to go back to how things were before my LO was born and mum did admit she senses some jealousy and I will say that all this has only started recently. Again, yes our dynamics have changed to fit the needs of a baby but nothing has changed towards either of the SK and they are both treated exactly the same so the fact that SS is in hysterics over coming and SD isn't is beyond me!

I just need some advice on what to do, mum doesn't believe either me or DH at all and SS has literally painted his dad out to be a complete monster when he's not.

If anyone could advise that would be great because I'm just at a loss really!

And before anyone says why am I involved, mum involved me in the first instance because it's all to do with things going on in our home.

I think you'd be best off stepping back and asking your husband to deal with this. He may need to take some time to spend with his son to reassure him that the new baby hasn't displaced him etc.

And he needs to manage his ex. You can concentrate on your baby and what actually happens inside your home. He can deal with the issues that arise when his children are with their mother.

I think the lying needs to be tackled, but unfortunately it's only something his parents can do if his Mum is choosing to believe him then I don't see how you are going to get anywhere.
It's the crappy side of step parenting.

@FishyFriday well this is the thing, all the things his over exaggerated on have happened in our home.
I did have a think to myself, he's not exactly lied what he has said is true but not the way he's telling it and I did say to my DH maybe he's seeing it all differently to what it actually is or maybe he is manipulating the situation to what he wants it to be.

My DH has already said he's going to sit and talk to him (and I'm not getting involved in that) but when he's tried before SS won't say a word and just says 'I don't know' because he's apparently scared he's going to get shouted at, again this has never ever happened and I'm at home 24/7 the only time DH is alone with the kids is the school run so unless he's having a scream fest in the car for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the afternoon then I have no idea where the shouting is coming from because I don't hear it... unless I'm going deaf!

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

I'm with you there, that's the frustration of it all and the fact that my DH is so hurt by the lies and accusations from his own son and there is nothing I can do except call a 9 year old a liar... which I totally disagree with believe me, but that's what he is at the minute.

Its possible that things have become more stressful with a new baby in the house and what DSS perceives as mean and shouting is really just his dad being sharper or having less patience for things. It may not be obvious to you and DH that he has been a bit more short tempered than before the baby was born. Dad needs to have a chat with DSS, listen, properly listen, to what DSS is saying and come to a solution.

some of the things he's come out with (which she told me and my DH) are just outright lies.

I did have a think to myself, he's not exactly lied what he has said is true but not the way he's telling it

Which is it?

@UhtredRagnarson he would listen if SS would talk, that's one of the main issues is that SS hasn't told him anything so he's not even had a chance to sort any issues out.

Some of them are full on porky pies which I know, such as removing items of play when he was naughty (which aren't his to be fair) apparently in front of him when actually I personally removed them (at DH request) before he even arrived at the house.
Some of them are the truth (such as the phone issue) but not like he's telling them so he's twisting the truth and it sounds much much worse than it is.

@UhtredRagnarson

And I do agree with the stressful thing but actually his sister gets the brunt more so because she tends to ask questions in the middle of a screaming match from the baby.

We actually hardly see SS because he's always on the PlayStation.

What is wrong in removing items of play when he's naughty anyway though?
Why is she not happy about this?
It's good parenting.

We actually hardly see SS because he's always on the PlayStation.

This isn’t good! Limited time at dads and he’s “hardly seen”, added to a new baby in the house. He’s bound to be feeling a bit ignored. Dad needs to step up here.

OP apart from being alone in the car with DH, do the SC spend any other time without you and the baby with just your DH?

If not your DH needs to take them out without you and the baby for an hour or two every contact time. At the moment due to Covid restrictions it will be just something like taking them to a local playground.

Ideally your DH should alternate taking the children out so they both have individual one-to-one time with him but until your SS stops telling lies it is best that you are not left alone with the boy.

OP,
Sometimes kids are not lying when they describe things in a manner that we as a adults viewed them . Often times , they are describing the events as they experienced and perceived them.

The adults need to not only listen but should also " hear" what the child is actually trying to tell you. Obviously, there has been a recent change and the child is experiencing this change as having negatively impacted his father's feelings for and relationship with him.

The child may not be able to articulate in words that express those sentiments but his actions and behaviors are shouting those words.

You are all branding the child as a liar rather than realizing that he is telling you his truth as he is experiencing them.

If you always focus on the surface issues rather than the root causes , you will never resolve the problem.

He may be feeling replaced or displaced by the new sibling. The father should not wait for his son to speak. He is speaking loudly and clearly through his actions, the father is simply not responding to the messages that his son's actions are sending.

.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123 so if your child was naughty they wouldn't be punished? If your child was being rude and using disgusting language to their friends on ps you wouldn't remove it? You discipline your way my DH will discipline his, no way is right, everyone has their own way of doing it.

@UhtredRagnarson it was limited but SS was then crying to his mum that his dad never lets him on the PlayStation so he can't win 🤷🏼‍♀️

@RedMarauder
He does, it's abit difficult because there are after school activities with them so there isn't much free time unless it's a weekend that they are with him.

@Tiredoftattler well he's been caught flat out lying about things so then he's a liar. I did say in replies that there are some situations which he may perceive as different in his eyes to what he's telling, it's either that or he's telling them different on purpose. We won't know until DH talks to him but again SS doesn't talk which is frustrating. SS says one thing to his mum but then acts completely different when hes with his dad. You are right in what you are saying to listen deeper and I totally agree with you, I don't want SS to be unhappy but I also don't want SS to be lying or not being able to see things as they are.

Kids obviously don't deal with things in an adult, logical way and it's quite possible that SS is feeling jealous, pushed out and ignored by his dad and in his mind that's just manifesting as 'dad is bad' or 'dad hates me' and the lies/exaggerations are his 9 year old way of expressing that. Totally agree with Tiredoftattler that you (or more to the point his dad) need to hear SS as well as listen, of course lies are unacceptable but they're the symptom, not the root problem.

@Weirdfan

I agree, but how does my DH (because it won't be me) uncover the truth from SS? How does he get him to admit he's lied so that mum can stop worrying and how can he show that nothing has changed in SS life?
I know maybe I don't see it but I feel the only thing that has changed is that my attention has turned onto the baby, it hasn't actually turned less away from the SK infact I do more for the SK than I did before because I'm at home more and I feel that DH attention hasn't changed, just once in a while he helps out (please don't dig at him it's my choice to do this because I didn't want this situation).

I see where SS is coming from wanting things back to how they were before but the only things I can think of are movie nights, if baby is unsettled I go deal with him and DH stays with SK, dinner times if baby is unsettled sometimes DH gets up and calms him down and just stuff like that. There's no direct 'you're not important anymore' stuff and if there was I feel I would have definitely sat back with DH and changed the way we were doing things to accommodate for the SK.

I just feel so frustrated and upset that SS didn't feel comfortable enough to say anything to either of us (apparently he absolutely loves me according to his mum) first and instead it's manifested into these 'lies' which has now caused a massive crack in the mum & dad relationship. Obviously I'm not saying SS has done anything on purpose he is only a child and needs encouraging but I am really lost with it.

OP taking a child to activities is not the same as their parent playing with them and having fun.

Your DH needs to on the weekends when he has them just take them out to play and play with them for about an hour. Both of his children are still young enough to play with their dad.

My DP does that with his child. Luckily his child is more vocal and able to say they felt they were being ignored due to a younger half-sibling. I actually saw/learnt to do that from my brothers who aren't in blended families, but use to do a lot of commuting when their children were primary age.

@RedMarauder

No I know that, what I was saying is that if we have them for our 50% over the weekday it's harder because school and then after school activities.
If our 50% lands on a weekend of course they will go out, even if DH just pops to the shop or takeaway once in a blue moon I'll say 'take so and so they'll love spending the time with you' and he will do. So it does happen but just not so often depending how the contact days fall.

I think 9 is a tricky age and he’s obviously struggling with having a new baby around, a baby that belongs to you and dh, he probably feels a little pushed out and worried that the baby will be more loved than him because the baby is yours but he isn’t?

I had a baby when my SS was 11, it didn’t go down well at all and for a couple years things were tricky, there were times SS didn’t want to come over even though he obviously loved his baby sister and me, he just struggled with the new dynamics. Dh would try and arrange some 1:1 time with his DS but the more he did this the more DS wanted to have nothing to do with the rest of the family (including his own full siblings) and for a while he refused to come to the house at all, we then had the other extreme when he decided he wanted to live with us (which didn’t last long).

Maybe dh can spend more time with him, maybe playing on the PlayStation together? I do think he needs to speak to SS mum to make sure she understands that he is exaggerating the things that are happening, they need to be working off the same page and SS needs to know he can’t just cry to get his own way.

OP, what you may be failing to see or understand is that he is saying things in his 9 year old way. His actions are making very loud statements. He is only 9 years old. He feels what he feels, but he likely has no solution to offer. Your husband is the parent and the adult, it is up to him to reassure his son that his love, regard, and availability to his son remains unchanged.

If your husband needs help in finding ways to reach out to his son, maybe he should seek professional help in learning how to effectively parent multiple children.

Parenting is not easy ,and kids do not come with instructions. Kids only get 1 go at a childhood and parents only get one chance to do it right. Childhood is not like a marriage where if it does not work with Bob or Sue you can just try again with Jim or Sally. There are no do overs in a failed childhood.

@Lovemusic33

Thank you!
It is so hard when you feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong to warrant this. Since I've been with DH all I've seen is 100% with his kids and from reading all of these the having a baby motion is making so much sense. The weird thing is, he was the less clingy sibling so we really didn't expect this from him.
I'm starting to feel awful for having my child and I shouldn't be feeling that way (please don't think I'm wishing my child away because I am definitely not). If I knew this would happen and it would make another child feel this bad I would have made more of an effort (not sure what I could have done) or done something to make him feel more secure with his dad.

I just don't know how to fix it, I know it's up to DH but ultimately it will be my actions in the house also because I already don't have help for a week straight and then when the SK are here I already feel limited to ask for the help from DH and with SS feeling the way he does I don't want to do anything to make him feel worse but I also don't want to pander to this kind of behaviour either.

it was limited but SS was then crying to his mum that his dad never lets him on the PlayStation so he can't win

This is parenting 🤷‍♀️ You don’t win, you parent- whether it makes you unpopular or not.

If I speak to DS in a sharp tone he calls it shouting even though I haven't raised my voice at all. He's 13. So it feels like a shout to him.

You need to replace "Daddy is" with "it feels like Daddy is" in your head. It feels like Daddy is mean to me. And your DH/DP needs to address that. There's no point thinking the child is just a liar, he's obviously upset and that's the way he feels. It feels like his stuff is constantly taken away. That's how it feels to him. Perfectly possible that he is hypersensitive at present due to new sibling and feelings of insecurity. The new sibling gets to live with both parents, DSS does not. His DF is there every night, DSS's Dad is only with him a few nights a month etc etc. DSS is now one of three, not one of two. His Dad is kind, gentle and patient with baby but not with him.

Is the new baby a boy?

@Tiredoftattler

100% agree with you, I'm no way blaming him for the way he feels and obviously his actions have given him the attention he was craving for but in the wrong way. I now feel he's not done this on purpose as it is all making sense to me, I just don't know how DH will get through to him.

He's an extremely closed off child, even before all this had happened, he's quiet and answers pretty much every question with 'I don't know'.

I already thought we were doing as much as we could to show that they were loved just the same as they were before but obviously we've hit a bump somewhere in the past 5 months.

How does he get him to admit he's lied so that mum can stop worrying

He doesn’t need to admit he lied, he may never admit he lied. DH may need to just accept that they have to move on from it

and how can he show that nothing has changed in SS life?

It absolutely has!! How can you possibly say nothing has changed when he has a new sibling? One that gets to live with his dad all the time when he doesn’t? Of course something has changed.

Is he addicted to his phone and DF takes it away but his DM doesn't?