To want a thank you for DH

[TheShoeShining]

SD12 has been given a pile of presents for her birthday. Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her. So she sits and opens them, not a word of thanks. Literally not one.
For context, there are no issues there, no ASD, sensory, anxiety or anything else. I'm not looking for thanks myself as a stepmum as we each handle present buying for our own DC.
I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude. And I wonder if I'm BU by even expecting that kids say thanks for things any more?

Your boyfriend must have thoughts by now on how he’s going to undo some of the damage he’s caused by being a Disney dad and failing to parent his child, and is surely looking up basic parenting skills? Or nah? Reap what you sow.

Hmm, who's fault would you say it is @Pyewackect. Or would you not be able to answer that 🤭

"Presumably neither does her mother, but she's obviously faultless."

But tbf, we have no idea how her mother parents or teaches manners. We don't know whether this would have happened at her house, whether she has different expectations, how she would have reacted in this situation. But we do know that this happened at op's house and went unchallenged.

@MrsTerryPratchett

No blame on the child's Mother then ? Who is equally responsible ?

Maybe she says thank you at her mum's house.

my reply was in response to this...

OP, if your husband had taught his daughter to say " thank you" when she receives a gift she would probably have said ," thank you" to him.

and OP already said she does not know if the child says thank you at Mums, so nobody knows, but to place the blame firmly on Dad is equally unfair.

[quote BlueDahlia69]@MrsTerryPratchett

No blame on the child's Mother then ? Who is equally responsible ?

Maybe she says thank you at her mum's house.

my reply was in response to this...

OP, if your husband had taught his daughter to say " thank you" when she receives a gift she would probably have said ," thank you" to him.

and OP already said she does not know if the child says thank you at Mums, so nobody knows, but to place the blame firmly on Dad is equally unfair.
[/quote]
Why? Should they phone her mother for not saying thank you in her father’s house?

Why? Should they phone her mother for not saying thank you in her father’s house?

Im not sure where you even get this bizarre question from ? Nobody suggested phoning the Mother ? why would they do that..

@TheShoeShining If my DS12 did this to his dad his partner would pull him up on it. And I would totally support her.

Can you not take her aside and have a word in her ear. Nicely, not giving her grief. She needs to know she's ungrateful.

I think that when responders say that children should be taught basic manners by their parents , they are speaking of both parents( mom and dad)

Dad should be feeling bad not because he was not thanked, but because both he and the mom have failed at teaching the daughter basic courtesy.

OP , rather than wasting time feeling bad on your husband's behalf, I would feel sorry for the daughter who is being failed by both of her parents in a very fundamental way.

If your husband has not bothered teach his daughter basic courtesy because he thinks that to be her mother's job,then shame on him.

If neither of them have bothered to teach her, then it is unlikely that either one of them expects or desires to be thanked. In which case, neither would be saddened by the lack of a thanks.

The parents are experiencing the product of their parenting. Children who from infancy grow up hearing please and thank you routinely said as a part of every day conversation usually respond in kind as a matter of course and routine.

@Tiredoftattler

I think that when responders say that children should be taught basic manners by their parents , they are speaking of both parents( mom and dad)

Dad should be feeling bad not because he was not thanked, but because both he and the mom have failed at teaching the daughter basic courtesy.

OP , rather than wasting time feeling bad on your husband's behalf, I would feel sorry for the daughter who is being failed by both of her parents in a very fundamental way.

If your husband has not bothered teach his daughter basic courtesy because he thinks that to be her mother's job,then shame on him.

If neither of them have bothered to teach her, then it is unlikely that either one of them expects or desires to be thanked. In which case, neither would be saddened by the lack of a thanks.

The parents are experiencing the product of their parenting. Children who from infancy grow up hearing please and thank you routinely said as a part of every day conversation usually respond in kind as a matter of course and routine.

agreed 🌸

@BlueDahlia69

Why? Should they phone her mother for not saying thank you in her father’s house?

Im not sure where you even get this bizarre question from ? Nobody suggested phoning the Mother ? why would they do that..

So how can they take equal responsibility for her not saying thank you to her father in her father’s house?

So how can they take equal responsibility for her not saying thank you to her father in her father’s house?

Equal responsibility in teaching a child basic manners 🙄

@BlueDahlia69

So how can they take equal responsibility for her not saying thank you to her father in her father’s house?

Equal responsibility in teaching a child basic manners 🙄

How?

@autumnboys no that was me.

One of the things that shocked me most after meeting my DP and being exposed to my DSS and his cousins, was how horrifically rude they all were opening gifts. It was a proper culture shock. I don't watch any of them unwrap anymore.

@AlfieMoonhead - ah, thank you. They were similarities to the circumstances. I hope your daughter is feeling better about it all now.

@autumnboys thank you. She will be fine, I’ll make sure of that.
It appears 12 is definitely a difficult age judging by this thread and mine!

@AlfieMoonhead, yes, in my experience 12-15/16 can be tricky at times. DS3 will be 12 later this year, so I expect we’ll do it all again!

Only the OP knows at this point whether this is part of a pattern of behaviour.
If the child is usually well-mannered and nice to be around, then that's a different slant than if she is often stroppy and entitled.

In my case my DH is a great, easy going nice guy...too nice for his own good sometimes. He would accept this type of rude behaviour from my child, or his child, just because he doesn't hold anyone to account (in our personal life, yet so different professionally). In terms of a birthday he'd be worried about spoiling the day

He and I are different, I do hold my children to account and have conversations with him along the lines of modelling and expecting acceptable behaviour.
He's only able now to reflect back on how 'nice' he's been and as adult how his DC's have little respect and sometimes behave badly. Expectations have been low, their previous family life was different to my family life with my DC's. He felt guilty for the life his children had (alcoholic mother).
It causes all sorts of problems now the DC's are becoming adults and are unable to make reasonable decisions sometimes. It's difficult for DH to suddenly try and make them more reasonable.

@ButeIsle
All parents have an obligation to teach their children good manners.. The father's obligation to do this remains in place even if he is with his child only a few days a month.

The obligation to teach you children basic courtesy and necessary life skills is not gender specific. It is the obligation of both parents.

Children whose parents as a matter of course say please and thank you to the children typically grow up saying please and thank you as a routine and expected part of conversations.

When parents separate , the obligation to continue to meet basic parental obligations and responsibilities do not change. Nor can one parent assume a negligent role because the other parent is failing to be responsible in teaching the children basic courtesy and life skills.

It is far too easy to blame the other parent for that which you are failing to do as a parent. This child appears to be in a situation where she is being failed by both parents.

@TheShoeShining

SD12 has been given a pile of presents for her birthday. Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her. So she sits and opens them, not a word of thanks. Literally not one. For context, there are no issues there, no ASD, sensory, anxiety or anything else. I'm not looking for thanks myself as a stepmum as we each handle present buying for our own DC. I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude. And I wonder if I'm BU by even expecting that kids say thanks for things any more?

My DP's daughter is the same op. It's very sad to watch.

@Tiredoftattler
All parents have an obligation to teach their children good manners.. The father's obligation to do this remains in place even if he is with his child only a few days a month

Yep I agree.

In my DH's case he was with the DC's every day, he was married to their DM!

A combination of 'niceness', guilt for the difficulties within the family and less of an expectation has created older children with less respect and manners than I would expect. It is difficult to gain that back.

Children of divorced parents are adaptable. Often understanding the different expectations in the two houses. I know children who, for example, excuse themselves from the table in one house and not the other. Because that's the expectation. My own daughter knows 'restaurant manners' are different at home, but the same at grandma's.

It's entirely possible she says thank you at her mum's.

At 12 you are old enough to know better.

Yes. If you've been taught better.

Either this is her normal ungrateful behaviour or she's acting out of character.

If it's her norm, why are you surprised?
A polite and well mannered child, doesn't become ungrateful overnight.

Surely her attitude should have been tackled before now.

I know that if I behaved like that, the presents would have been taken away from me.