To want a thank you for DH

[TheShoeShining]

SD12 has been given a pile of presents for her birthday. Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her. So she sits and opens them, not a word of thanks. Literally not one.
For context, there are no issues there, no ASD, sensory, anxiety or anything else. I'm not looking for thanks myself as a stepmum as we each handle present buying for our own DC.
I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude. And I wonder if I'm BU by even expecting that kids say thanks for things any more?

Important you show your genuine appreciation to him. You could do this genuinely and warmly so it’s overheard by DD, modelling behaviour.

It really does feel like this is being blown into a much bigger issue than it is. She didn’t say thank you (that OP knows about), her parent didn’t say “have you anything to say DD?” So either he didn’t notice or isn’t bothered. I’m sure all our DCs have forgotten their manners at one point whether through forgetfulness or excitement or overwhelm. Sometimes as parents we ease up on them and let it go. It’s the bigger picture we look at. One incident of forgotten manners in an otherwise good child really isn’t a problem the way it’s being discussed here.

@BootsieBarnes

trust any half decent parent would be reflecting what they had done to create such a situation. The disappointment should be on their own lack of parenting not the child's manners. This is the disconnect that needs to be addressed so they can start being a better parent that prepares their child for the world, not looking for an excuse to blame someone else.

The OP has undertones of laying the blame at the child's door for disappointing the parent. The parent's feelings are their own to manage. The child's behaviour is for the parent to manage.

Yes, I am aware but it's the op that's disappointed but this is not down to her is it. It's down to the child's parents.

The dad should be wondering of course, if it was him with the concern.

Op doesn't need to learn to be a better parent because she isn't the parent. She is allowed to be miffed that a 12 year old doesn't have any manners. So would most people be.

I agree that the parents need to manage her behaviour, but saying "op doesn't like her wah wah wah" is just plain bullshit. Based on absolutely nothing except someone's interpretation of one straightforward post.

I'd be disappointed if my children didn't have decent manners, but I'd be blaming my parenting, not them. And I'd be looking at ways to improve my parenting.

If her dad is intent on being Disney dad and worried about upsetting his daughter by actually parenting her, then not only does he do her a disservice he also has to sleep in the bed he made and all that comes with it wrt manners etc.

She is allowed to be miffed that a 12 year old doesn't have any manners.

In the OP she has said she is miffed because her partner didn't receive the gratification he was expecting from getting the daughter the presents she wanted. So she was annoyed because her partner's mood was upset not at the lack of manners in the daughter. There is a difference.

The child in this instance is expected to gratify the parent, it could be argued to assuage the dad's guilt if that is a major influencing factor in his life.

Therefore, this could be the tip of the iceberg in the dynamics between parent and child that will have unhealthy reproccussions if not addressed. From the OP, the tension from the poster's perspective is not about the child being brought up to be well mannered individual, but about making the dad feel better. The child therefore becomes the scapegoat because she made the dad feel bad.

@BootsieBarnes

She is allowed to be miffed that a 12 year old doesn't have any manners.

In the OP she has said she is miffed because her partner didn't receive the gratification he was expecting from getting the daughter the presents she wanted. So she was annoyed because her partner's mood was upset not at the lack of manners in the daughter. There is a difference.

The child in this instance is expected to gratify the parent, it could be argued to assuage the dad's guilt if that is a major influencing factor in his life.

Therefore, this could be the tip of the iceberg in the dynamics between parent and child that will have unhealthy reproccussions if not addressed. From the OP, the tension from the poster's perspective is not about the child being brought up to be well mannered individual, but about making the dad feel better. The child therefore becomes the scapegoat because she made the dad feel bad.

No she was upset at the lack of manners. She says she feels sad for him that he didn't get a thank you. What's actually wrong with that?

I'd expect any child to say thank you. You're making it sound like a weird thing, it's not.

I don't think the op is trying to "scapegoat" the child. You're reading far too much into it.

In the OP she has said she is miffed because her partner didn't receive the gratification he was expecting from getting the daughter the presents she wanted. So she was annoyed because her partner's mood was upset not at the lack of manners in the daughter. There is a difference.

Actually this isn’t what is said in the OP. There is no mention at all of the dad expecting any gratification. And no mention of him being upset that he didn’t receive any. No mention of his mood.

This is all that it says about the dad

Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her.

I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude

And this in the OPs second post

I wholeheartedly agree it is down to my DH to pull her up on this. But he has huge NRP guilt and struggles with it.

So there is nothing at all to suggest the dad is upset. It’s the OP that is upset.

I disagree, but that's what open forums are about. Everyone has a different perspective to offer.

It’s not really anything to disagree about. There isn’t any mention at all of the dad being upset or suggesting he was expecting gratification. It’s just not there.

Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her.

I disagree because its not too much of a leap to summise that his effort and excitement at getting all the presents she wanted, which was probably built up into expectation (him looking forward to giving them to her) resulted in him being sad in his demeanour following the event.

If he had been happy and upbeat, she wouldn't have probably even mentioned it because his expectation would have been fulfilled and she wouldn't have needed to post online about it.

That is why I disagree.

I think if that were the case OP would definitely have mentioned it.

@UhtredRagnarson

It’s not really anything to disagree about. There isn’t any mention at all of the dad being upset or suggesting he was expecting gratification. It’s just not there.

This!

You don't know that though. None of us know what really occurred so we draw our own conclusions. Absence of information doesn't prove or disprove a point.

Which is why all we can do is offer perspectives. No of use can claim anything as fact.

@UhtredRagnarson

I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude.

Well he’s responsible for teaching her manners.

Just knew it would be his fault. MN in a nutshell. 🤭

*none

Apologies for typos!

@BootsieBarnes

Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her.

I disagree because its not too much of a leap to summise that his effort and excitement at getting all the presents she wanted, which was probably built up into expectation (him looking forward to giving them to her) resulted in him being sad in his demeanour following the event.

If he had been happy and upbeat, she wouldn't have probably even mentioned it because his expectation would have been fulfilled and she wouldn't have needed to post online about it.

That is why I disagree.

I personally think it is a leap because parents who are afraid of upsetting their children generally aren't sad about what normal people think of as bad behaviour because they are blind to it. He clearly is blind to it or he would have pulled her up.

Op is upset. The dp doesn't seem to be.

Well maybe her parents should have taught her some manners. It's his own fault. Does he always play Disney dad? Sounds liek it.

Just knew it would be his fault. MN in a nutshell.

Child is in his care and (apparently) misbehaves. Whose fault is it if not his? He is the parent.

@UhtredRagnarson

Just knew it would be his fault. MN in a nutshell.

Child is in his care and (apparently) misbehaves. Whose fault is it if not his? He is the parent.

OP even confirms it’s his fault as he feels guilty so doesn’t teach manners.

Presumably neither does her mother, but she's obviously faultless.

Just knew it would be his fault. MN in a nutshell. 🤭

I know. Imagine expecting a father to actually parent his child! It’s madness!

Stay out of it op.
Orator her father to teach her manners.

Presumably neither does her mother, but she's obviously faultless.

Holding the father to account doesn’t mean you are absolving the mother of responsibility. The reason people are saying it’s his responsibility is because the OP is posting about him receiving thanks and how upset she is for him. People are pointing out that he had a role in how that happened. If she was posting about the mother being upset people would be saying “well the mother is responsible for teaching her manners you know!”

Most children know better by 12 because their parents have taught them the importance of good manners.

Your husband might feel guilty for being the NRP but he's doing her no favours by not pulling her up in this behaviour.