To want a thank you for DH

[TheShoeShining]

SD12 has been given a pile of presents for her birthday. Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her. So she sits and opens them, not a word of thanks. Literally not one.
For context, there are no issues there, no ASD, sensory, anxiety or anything else. I'm not looking for thanks myself as a stepmum as we each handle present buying for our own DC.
I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude. And I wonder if I'm BU by even expecting that kids say thanks for things any more?

@NormanStangerson

And the thread turns to stepmother bashing in 3....2....1....

🙄

It's been entirely 'it's the dad's job'. Are you reading a different thread?

@MrsTerryPratchett

I wholeheartedly agree it is down to my DH to pull her up on this. But he has huge NRP guilt and struggles with it.

You say you want a think you 'for' him. He's decided he'd rather be a Disney dad than get one. His choice.

Totally agree with this. If he doesn’t like her attitude, it’s up to him to sort it out. How often does he see her?

1.)

Bluntness100
Do you not like her then?

2.)

BrilliantBetty
Just another step mum hoping for a load of other step mums online to help reassure her that her step child is a 'brat'.

No, @MrsTerryPratchett. Have you?

@NormanStangerson

1.)

Bluntness100
Do you not like her then?

2.)

BrilliantBetty
Just another step mum hoping for a load of other step mums online to help reassure her that her step child is a 'brat'.

No, @MrsTerryPratchett. Have you?

That's two posts out of 54.

That's two posts out of 54.

🙄 it’s two posts that I chose before I couldn’t be arsed anymore. And I was counting down as these threads always go the same way, especially when certain contrary posters lead the way.

Why is NRP?

Sorry what* not why!

Non Resident Parent - NRP

OP, if your husband had taught his daughter to say " thank you" when she receives a gift she would probably have said ," thank you" to him.

What you should be annoyed about is that as a parent your husband has failed to teach his daughter even basic courtesy. This is the job of both parents , and there is no excuse for either parent failing at such a simple task.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, if your husband had taught his daughter to say " thank you" when she receives a gift she would probably have said ," thank you" to him.

What you should be annoyed about is that as a parent your husband has failed to teach his daughter even basic courtesy. This is the job of both parents , and there is no excuse for either parent failing at such a simple task.

No blame on the child's Mother then ? Who is equally responsible ?

I think you should speak to the father and tell him your offend by a lack of thank you.

I’m sure it will be sorted quickly after that.

I think there is more to this than lack of manners . Does the child have emotional trauma as a result of the parents breakup ? To have no reaction at all is unusual and there might be a reason for that .

Lots of kids don't say thank you because they are by nature entitled self absorbed beings. That only changes because someone does some parenting and even as a SP you can do this one.

This is why it is so hard for kids to be part of a blended family. They have to contend with someone else's silent judgement and perform to a whole new set of family behaviours they were never raised with.

People will say its only good manners to say thank you, but its entirely possible that this is not how this girl was raised in her family, her dad included in that. A third party enters the picture with their own ideas of etiquette and proceeds to stamp them on the situation, making the parent feel bad and the child inevitably gets told off for something that isn't their fault.

This child is not a brat, she is rightly or wrongly a product of her environment. Its like teaching her to play football her whole life then telling her off for not playing rugby. The rules were set when she was growing up. It's entirely through the choices made by the mum and dad that have produced the child you see today.

It is also very wrong that the dad's guilt is used as a pass for not dealing with the situation. That is a very weak excuse and says more about the dad and the step mum's motivation to excuse his ineffective parenting than it does about the child.

I am a step mum myself and I am not bashing other step mum's but its frustrating to see a child being villlified for weak parenting. The responsibility lies with the dad as much as the mum. Look to the source of the problem OP.

No blame on the child's Mother then ? Who is equally responsible ?

Maybe she says thank you at her mum's house.

My oldest DS - who by the way has had awful behaviour issues and nearly been expelled from school - does have excellent manners and says thank you for everything, unprompted. However I can imagine a situation in which he gets lots of lovely presents, feels a bit overwhelmed and self conscious, imagining my DP is there who he has quite a distant relationship with, and then five minutes later will give me a big hug tell me how
Much he loves his presents etc - perhaps DP has left the room at this time, and doesn’t see it but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. So have you discussed it with your DP and clarified she didn’t say thank you at another time? In my house, my kids open their presents with just me, DP just knows they feel more comfortable that way. Could she have get uncomfortable by you being there? No judgement on you, just asking about the situation.

Did she react at all to the presents when she opened them ?
Oo that's nice etc ?

It's one thing not saying thank you that's impolite and needs to be reminded but if there was no reaction when opening the gifts that's quite deliberate . I think if there was no reaction when opening the gifts a gentle talk from dad with her needs to happen. Asking if she is OK. He noticed she was very quiet . Try not to make it about how he feels but why she wasn't happy or struggled to show Happy emotion with him.

I could be way off the mark but what you've written rings alarm bells and is not simply rudeness.

Is there an expectation from you all to how she should react whT she should say ?
Is there a competitiveness between mum and dad and the present buying is part of that ?
Is she struggling with her feelings ?
Only throw away ideas

@BootsieBarnes

This is why it is so hard for kids to be part of a blended family. They have to contend with someone else's silent judgement and perform to a whole new set of family behaviours they were never raised with.

People will say its only good manners to say thank you, but its entirely possible that this is not how this girl was raised in her family, her dad included in that. A third party enters the picture with their own ideas of etiquette and proceeds to stamp them on the situation, making the parent feel bad and the child inevitably gets told off for something that isn't their fault.

This child is not a brat, she is rightly or wrongly a product of her environment. Its like teaching her to play football her whole life then telling her off for not playing rugby. The rules were set when she was growing up. It's entirely through the choices made by the mum and dad that have produced the child you see today.

It is also very wrong that the dad's guilt is used as a pass for not dealing with the situation. That is a very weak excuse and says more about the dad and the step mum's motivation to excuse his ineffective parenting than it does about the child.

I am a step mum myself and I am not bashing other step mum's but its frustrating to see a child being villlified for weak parenting. The responsibility lies with the dad as much as the mum. Look to the source of the problem OP.

This is a very good post.

You do know bad manners isn’t a symptom of ASD right?

@Bluntness100

Do you not like her then?

Ffs! Op hasn't even insinuated she doesn't like her ffs. Bore off with useless judgy comments like this seriously.

We had this issue op. It wasn't down to a lack of parenting on our part either. From dss being 8 when I met him dp and later me drilled manners into him (he doesn't have to use them at home but did when dp was with his mum) and he still forgets even now. I ended up just saying it every single time.

Your dh should pull her up. I somewhat understand the guilt but he has to put it to one side. He'll feel more guilty when he realises he's raised a rude and entitled adult, honestly.

@BootsieBarnes

This is why it is so hard for kids to be part of a blended family. They have to contend with someone else's silent judgement and perform to a whole new set of family behaviours they were never raised with.

People will say its only good manners to say thank you, but its entirely possible that this is not how this girl was raised in her family, her dad included in that. A third party enters the picture with their own ideas of etiquette and proceeds to stamp them on the situation, making the parent feel bad and the child inevitably gets told off for something that isn't their fault.

This child is not a brat, she is rightly or wrongly a product of her environment. Its like teaching her to play football her whole life then telling her off for not playing rugby. The rules were set when she was growing up. It's entirely through the choices made by the mum and dad that have produced the child you see today.

It is also very wrong that the dad's guilt is used as a pass for not dealing with the situation. That is a very weak excuse and says more about the dad and the step mum's motivation to excuse his ineffective parenting than it does about the child.

I am a step mum myself and I am not bashing other step mum's but its frustrating to see a child being villlified for weak parenting. The responsibility lies with the dad as much as the mum. Look to the source of the problem OP.

Couldn't agree more.

Bluntness100
Do you not like her then?
Ffs! Op hasn't even insinuated she doesn't like her ffs. Bore off with useless judgy comments like this seriously.

TBF to bluntness, it's a valid question! The original post comes across as a thinly veiled venting of resentment for the stepchild.

@BrilliantBetty

*Bluntness100 Do you not like her then? Ffs! Op hasn't even insinuated she doesn't like her ffs. Bore off with useless judgy comments like this seriously.*

TBF to bluntness, it's a valid question! The original post comes across as a thinly veiled venting of resentment for the stepchild.

No it doesn't, not at all.

Any half decent parent or step parent would be disappointed if their child had no manners at all.

trust any half decent parent would be reflecting what they had done to create such a situation. The disappointment should be on their own lack of parenting not the child's manners. This is the disconnect that needs to be addressed so they can start being a better parent that prepares their child for the world, not looking for an excuse to blame someone else.

The OP has undertones of laying the blame at the child's door for disappointing the parent. The parent's feelings are their own to manage. The child's behaviour is for the parent to manage.