To want a thank you for DH

[TheShoeShining]

SD12 has been given a pile of presents for her birthday. Her dad asked what she wanted, took time to find the exact things she'd asked for and was really looking forward to giving them to her. So she sits and opens them, not a word of thanks. Literally not one.
For context, there are no issues there, no ASD, sensory, anxiety or anything else. I'm not looking for thanks myself as a stepmum as we each handle present buying for our own DC.
I just feel so sad for him thar he gets no thanks or gratitude. And I wonder if I'm BU by even expecting that kids say thanks for things any more?

If I were you, @TheShoeShining, I would have a quiet word in her ear and point out that it is rude not to thank someone for the gifts they have given you.

@DaphneDuBois

I’d have stopped her opening any more after the second one, asking her why she thinks it’s acceptable to open gifts without any signs of gratitude. Wouldn’t let her unwrap any more until there’s a change in manners. To allow her to open an entire pile and not say a single thank you is letting her think that it’s ok to appear utterly ungrateful. He’s responsible for teaching her that. YANBU

What an interesting way to ruin a birthday.

I can't envisage this. Did she really just passively open them and walk off, no smiles or anything at all to show that she liked them? If so it's a real shame that he's allowed their relationship to deteriorate to that point.

This definitely has to be handled by her father and not her stepmother.

“You’re not a toddler, you’re 12 and you’re a perfectly intelligent young woman. You know it’s rude not to say thank you but you didn’t say it once. I think that probably means that you’re angry or upset. We should talk about it”

@DaphneDuBois

I’d have stopped her opening any more after the second one, asking her why she thinks it’s acceptable to open gifts without any signs of gratitude. Wouldn’t let her unwrap any more until there’s a change in manners. To allow her to open an entire pile and not say a single thank you is letting her think that it’s ok to appear utterly ungrateful. He’s responsible for teaching her that. YANBU

This absolutely wouldn't be your job to do in any way, shape or form. This is your husband's job to sort out and your way would surely ruin any relationship you have with your step-daughter, her mother and seriously undermine your husband.

His job, not yours.

what's you take on the advice op?

One year, we had bought our sons new XBoxes. It was basically a grand and we had saved a lot.
Our teenage sons were awful and basically just opened them and went back to their beds with not a word spoken. Then DH was so sad and I felt ashamed that they had been brought up to think this was ok.

You need to speak to her about it. Both of you do. If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would have filmed the whole thing and shamefully played it back to her so that she could see what an utter arse she has been. Manners cost nothing and make a big difference.

He's her father.
Why is he not teaching her good manners?

Why didn’t anyone say “ no thank you then?”

@DaphneDuBois

I’d have stopped her opening any more after the second one, asking her why she thinks it’s acceptable to open gifts without any signs of gratitude. Wouldn’t let her unwrap any more until there’s a change in manners. To allow her to open an entire pile and not say a single thank you is letting her think that it’s ok to appear utterly ungrateful. He’s responsible for teaching her that. YANBU

That's a bit of an odd thing to do. Surely it's ok to open all the presents and then say thank you at the end? You don't have to individually thank for each one as you go along.

OP - if that had happened in our house, the DC would have been prompted to say thank you if they hadn't. Why on earth didn't your DH do that? How did SDD react to the gifts - did she say things that expressed gratitude without saying "thank you" in so many words? How is her relationship with DH in general - my parents have a long history of giving me presents when what I actually want is their time/respect/understanding etc. and I can see if I were 12 I would struggle to feel grateful.

I'm not ghosting. I've been waiting to read and check I wasn't BU. I wholeheartedly agree it is down to my DH to pull her up on this. But he has huge NRP guilt and struggles with it. I do wonder if she says thanks when her mum buys her presents or whether this is just done to provoke a reaction.
As for the poster who said I'm looking to have people calling SD names, I'm genuinely not. But I'm a complete stickler for manners with my kids and just cannot fathom how this happens in anyone's head. At 12 you are old enough to know better.

Brat alert OP, remind her politely that manners cost zilcho

Which is exactly the amount of money that'll be spent on your next lot of presents if that's your attitude would be whirling through my head

I do wonder if she says thanks when her mum buys her presents or whether this is just done to provoke a reaction.

That’s an unkind way to choose to think of it. Do you think she doesn’t like her father and wants to upset him?

I wholeheartedly agree it is down to my DH to pull her up on this. But he has huge NRP guilt and struggles with it.

That doesn’t really excuse him from the responsibility of it though. Which tbh, it sounds like you are attempting to do in order to lay the blame solely on his DD. Guilt or no guilt he has to parent her.

But I'm a complete stickler for manners with my kids and just cannot fathom how this happens in anyone's head. At 12 you are old enough to know better.

You've told us how it happens. Her dad has huge NRP guilt and struggles with pulling her up.

Not much else to fathom.

Do you not like her then?

@WorraLiberty

But I'm a complete stickler for manners with my kids and just cannot fathom how this happens in anyone's head. At 12 you are old enough to know better.

You've told us how it happens. Her dad has huge NRP guilt and struggles with pulling her up.

Not much else to fathom.

This

Maybe stop wondering what happens at her Mum's home and start wondering why your husband uses NRP guilt as an excuse to not teach her manners

@tillytown

Maybe stop wondering what happens at her Mum's home and start wondering why your husband uses NRP guilt as an excuse to not teach her manners

This. He really needs to.

Just another step mum hoping for a load of other step mums online to help reassure her that her step child is a 'brat'.

Either there is a back story...?or your DH has not been parenting well. Is he an EOW father?

I'm wondering if when she opened them she was commenting along the lines of 'that's lovely', 'it's just what I wanted' etc?
If that's the case I don't necessarily think she needed to say thank you as well.
But if not, then yes, her father needs to have a word.

@TheShoeShining

I'm not ghosting. I've been waiting to read and check I wasn't BU. I wholeheartedly agree it is down to my DH to pull her up on this. But he has huge NRP guilt and struggles with it. I do wonder if she says thanks when her mum buys her presents or whether this is just done to provoke a reaction. As for the poster who said I'm looking to have people calling SD names, I'm genuinely not. But I'm a complete stickler for manners with my kids and just cannot fathom how this happens in anyone's head. At 12 you are old enough to know better.

Your DH clearly doesn’t care enough about this to raise it with her, so stop thinking about it and focus on your child.

You’re not the same poster who posted recently about her SD not inviting her own daughter to her party are you?

I wholeheartedly agree it is down to my DH to pull her up on this. But he has huge NRP guilt and struggles with it.

You say you want a think you 'for' him. He's decided he'd rather be a Disney dad than get one. His choice.

And the thread turns to stepmother bashing in 3....2....1....

🙄