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Step-parenting

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Original poster

School holidays

38 replies

Imbarb · 02/04/2021 07:29

Hi - any advice on what you are your ex do over school holidays pls. Ex works full time and has a family. His partner works part time and has offered to help on her days off but I want him to do more

Has agreed to 2 weeks in the 6 weeks but leaves all the childcare down to me and my family

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 02/04/2021 07:48

It's not her ie your children's step parents job to help at all and that's very kind. No way would I do that for the dsc, contact time is for their nrp.
2 weeks is 1/3 of the 6 week break so not ideal but not bad, some work places restrict leave over summer holidays due to demand. I know mine does.
It's not ideal at all that he won't have them in school holiday but you cannot force him to do so. I'm assuming his new partner is just as irritated about him not taking leave in school holiday if they have kids.

mummyof4kids · 02/04/2021 07:50

My ex doesn't have my kids at all in the holidays but that's their choice now they're older.
I agree with pp it's not your ex's partners job to provide childcare and I think it's lovely she's offered. If he works full time his boss might be strict on when he can take leave, if all the parents at his workplace took leave at the same time they'd have no staff.
Do you have friends or other family that could help?

mummyof4kids · 02/04/2021 07:51

Ex partners partner I meant to say

needadvice54321 · 02/04/2021 07:55

Does your ex help you with childcare costs if he's unable to have the children for half of the holidays? I think it's only fair that he does.

I've never shared holidays with DS1's dad, a mixture of his choice (just not bothered) and I was a SAHM so didn't need the help with childcare. If I had been working though I would have expected more support whether that was financial or physically having DS

funinthesun19 · 02/04/2021 07:55

When I was with my ex, he used to do his fair share of holidays. Most of the time facilitated by me .

Now that we’re not together he doesn’t have any of our children that we have together. Former dsc’s mum always did have it easy in that ex was always reliable with contact and money.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 02/04/2021 08:03

You can ask him to voluntarily pay but you can make him pay for childcare in school holidays. It's less than ideal.
However if his new partner is having the children veey kindly, as there is no obligation for her to and I'd be very clear how grateful you are to her, on her days off throughout school holidays then that should amost even it up to 3 weeks each over the 6 weeks. Depending on if she has them 1 or 2 days in the week.

Aimee1987 · 02/04/2021 08:04

What's your unusual agreement in terms of maintenance and visitation? The number of nights is usually averaged over the year to take this into account.
What's your previous arrangement been? Has he always only had 2 weeks in summer?

Also his partner is not responsible for childcare so the fact she works part time is irrelevant?

UhtredRagnarson · 02/04/2021 08:06

In September you’ll get a calendar with school holiday dates.

When you do, sit down with your ex and divvy up the holidays. That way you both know from the start of the year what you’re responsible for.

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 02/04/2021 08:11

We do 50% half term, 1 week at Christmas, 1 week at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer.
Tbh he would do an extra week in the summer but my youngest gets really unsettled going so 3 weeks in a row isn't feasible and it's a lot of travelling moving around.
Mine roughly do 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me & 2 weeks in holiday club which seems like a reasonable balance. If we can get timing to work they might go to my parents by the sea for a few days.

Magda72 · 02/04/2021 08:45

It's hard to pass comment on this without knowing your own situation op, & what your day to day access arrangements are.

Ripley1977 · 02/04/2021 09:02

My ex hardly ever has our son in the holidays, I have to badger him and then sometimes it just one day, I think this year/last year was made even harder with lockdown. I'd be happy with 2 weeks tbh but do understand your frustration... he should take time off and have them though not his partner.

Ripley1977 · 02/04/2021 09:03

*its

tisonlymeagain · 02/04/2021 09:16

When it comes to school holidays we stick to the same routine - if it's our usual day to have the children, it's our responsibility to sort out childcare if necessary. We are 50/50 so that way it works out we cover half the holidays each anyway.

Phineyj · 02/04/2021 09:29

You don't have to wait till September! School dates are available more than a year in advance.

EnoughnowIthink · 02/04/2021 09:29

sit down with your ex and divvy up the holidays. That way you both know from the start of the year what you’re responsible for

This is an ideal but far from reality for many. I couldn’t have sat down with my ex due to the abuse but even trying to get him to commit to the next school holiday was impossible. I did once suggest we worked it out for the year ahead and he refused because it was ‘too prescriptive’. In the end, I sorted all childcare for 100% of the time, including on his time, so he couldn’t fuck about with my job.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/04/2021 09:31

This is an ideal but far from reality for many. I couldn’t have sat down with my ex due to the abuse but even trying to get him to commit to the next school holiday was impossible.

It was a suggestion. Not the perfect solution for every situation. Other suggestions will also be useless depending on OPs specific circumstances. We don’t not suggest stuff incase it doesn’t suit. We offer it and OP can decide if it does.

Poodly · 02/04/2021 09:35

I know I'll get flamed and told it's irrelevant but I don't agree that it is personally, what is your situation OP? Because to be totally honest my answer would differ if you were WFT or a SAHM.

If you are WFT I think it's fair that he splits the holidays with you, although unfortunately like PP say you can't force him. I wouldn't like to put on his partner too much though so I'd personally avoid that if I could but that's me. Would he help pay for childcare do you think?

It you're a SAHM, whilst I think he should do part I also think it's reasonable that you do the majority rather than half an half.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/04/2021 09:36

I’d expect them to do half or pay for the ones they can’t cover with annual leave. The resident parent then covers the other half or pays for childcare.

Restlessinthenorth · 02/04/2021 09:40

I'm the resident parent. I get the privilege of having my kids with me most of the time and therefore I get the bulk of the responsibilities, this includes arranging the bulk of the holiday childcare. My kids dad does 2 out of the 6 weeks. I feel that's more than fair. You can't have it all ways. If we were 50/50 then my opinion would be different. Then I would expect him to do half.

tisonlymeagain · 02/04/2021 09:43

@UhtredRagnarson

In September you’ll get a calendar with school holiday dates.

When you do, sit down with your ex and divvy up the holidays. That way you both know from the start of the year what you’re responsible for.

That's basically what we do - well it all just rolls on from year to year and we stick to our days, but we have a shared Google calendar and we add any changes to that well in advance. It helps everyone to not just plan for childcare but plan for events, holidays...

PandaFluff · 02/04/2021 12:07

@Imbarb

Hi - any advice on what you are your ex do over school holidays pls. Ex works full time and has a family. His partner works part time and has offered to help on her days off but I want him to do more

Has agreed to 2 weeks in the 6 weeks but leaves all the childcare down to me and my family

What is the usual contact pattern? What have you done previous holidays?

Original poster

Imbarb · 02/04/2021 12:27

My ex is self employed so doesn't get annual leave.

I work part time usually over weekends but cant at the minute because of covid. He used to do every weekend to help but now it's every other and 2 nights in week.

When I go back to work it will be busy but will still be part time

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 02/04/2021 17:13

So am I wrong in thinking he has them 50 50 so 7 out of 14 nights?

Having the kids every other weekend is quite normal so I'm afraid I think you are being a but unreasonable.

Original poster

Imbarb · 02/04/2021 21:32

But why should my family be the ones looking after him. He said his other kid goes childminders the days him and his partner at work and offered to pay halves if I need him those days but they are theONLY days I do need childcare and now it's going to cost me.

I work sat-weds. I need him to have his kid those days to help me. I don't want my kid at a child childminders I want him with his dad. He says if he has too much time off they come unstuck but that's not my problem

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 02/04/2021 21:50

Wrong it is your problem to be blunt.
If I've understood correct, it's not ideal but he has to work too, the same as you do. It's equal in that sense. Hes offered to pay half of the childcare costs for the days he can't cover which is very reasonable and his partner has offered some days when not at work, again reasonable.

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