If you could talk to your past self, what would you say about step-parenting?

[SmokeyApo]

Hi all, regular here but NC frequently for privacy. For context, I am not a step-parent, but I was in a long-term relationship with a single dad with 2 kids for several years and I am still interested in the topic of step parenting.

If you could go back to the day you met your SO (or ex SO) and could give yourself a word of advice right before deciding to get involved with a man with DC, what would you say?

I'll start:

1. you have no idea what you are about to get into. It is way more complex and fucked up than you think.
2. this will crush you and your mental health, because you are not equipped to deal with this situation.
3. you have a lot more to lose than him. He has a lot more to gain than you.
4. unfortunately you won't be able to see any of the above until you are in too deep, and in the end it will hurt like hell.

Perhaps someone else will be able to bring some more positive contributions, but those are my honest thoughts!

All of the above

1.. Plus dont fecking do it ...
2.. drink wine.

@Missingthebridegene

I didn't take the job on until the children were all 'adult'. However.... Combination of adult children still living with Dad, and those who had leapt into independence and never looked back.

With a grieving Dad, some mental health issues in the kids, and autism in the mix, my hands were pretty full for a few years. Biggest problem being - whenever I tried to help the younger ones, the older ones rematerialised to 'defend' them. They wanted me to care for their siblings until they dropped, but in a way that left their own inheritance untouched!

Anyway, the younger ones are now doing well, but the older ones are still in a proper snit. Apparently, I should have solved the problem the Mcdonald* way instead.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

@SpaceshiptoMars crikey that does sound difficult! Thank you for sharing x I hope your life is significantly easier and more pleasant now xxx

I’m livid that DP’s ex is how she is. I was also so determined that I wouldn’t fall into the stereotype of thinking my partner’s ex was a bitch, that this was internalised misogyny and I would be above that, and it would all be so reasonable, and I’m so annoyed with her for being the classic controlling emotionally manipulative ex. There are many things that bother me, but the biggest is her manipulation of loyalty bonds in the children, which I have heard and seen in action, because it’s so incredibly selfish. I don’t need his kids to like me for my ego, but it makes a massive difference to them how they are made to feel about me.

I too was of the ‘internalised misogyny’ school of thought. And still I try to avoid it. But it’s very hard to do when the ex is behaving in ways that are just awful.

@purplebiscuits

1 run away 2 don't look back.

Yep

@Andrewsgirl

Run away as fast as you can He won’t ever trust you to have his kids interests at heart and this will break you You will shed more tears and heartbreak than this is worth You need to be comfortable feeling like the outsider You will always be second best Don’t underestimate how difficult it is to have another woman always being present and having a say over what you do and when

This

My experience so far hasn’t been toooooo bad. Definite teething problems. All seems great with kids no but I fear there will be problems on the horizon as his ex is absolutely certifiable and incandescent that he found someone else despite her ending it and them being in separate bedrooms for a year before splitting! It’s SO TEDIOUS.

@WhatHappenedToThose My positive (although still very challenging) experience of being a step-mum is ONLY positive because of my DH being incredibly patient and understanding about the challenges of my situation. I don’t think it has to be terrible (though his ex is an absolute PSYCHO!)! X

@WhatHappenedToThose My positive (although still very challenging) experience of being a step-mum is ONLY positive because of my DH being incredibly patient and understanding about the challenges of my situation. I don’t think it has to be terrible (though his ex is an absolute PSYCHO!)! X

Not all mothers are like your mum and first step-mum.

Some are so psycho in their hellbent lust for destruction they are happy to try to put not only your child but actually put their own child repeatedly at risk from their nastiness.

The dysfunction was created by him and his ex, you can't fix it.