If you could talk to your past self, what would you say about step-parenting?

[SmokeyApo]

Hi all, regular here but NC frequently for privacy. For context, I am not a step-parent, but I was in a long-term relationship with a single dad with 2 kids for several years and I am still interested in the topic of step parenting.

If you could go back to the day you met your SO (or ex SO) and could give yourself a word of advice right before deciding to get involved with a man with DC, what would you say?

I'll start:

1. you have no idea what you are about to get into. It is way more complex and fucked up than you think.
2. this will crush you and your mental health, because you are not equipped to deal with this situation.
3. you have a lot more to lose than him. He has a lot more to gain than you.
4. unfortunately you won't be able to see any of the above until you are in too deep, and in the end it will hurt like hell.

Perhaps someone else will be able to bring some more positive contributions, but those are my honest thoughts!

@LucieStar

Although on the positive side, I have had some validation from one of my friends who was always one of the most critical of me. She had a baby last year and has since fully apologised to me, and said more than once that she can't believe people can do the things she now has to do for a child that isn't even theirs. So sometimes opinions can change for the better

Wow, isn't that interesting. She was judgemental of you until she was able to at least try to put herself in your position. I think that happens to a lot of step parents. So easy to judge when you haven't been there.

Definitely.

It was always very awkward with me with this particular friend as the man she regards as her dad is technically her stepdad, and her bio dad abandoned her very young. So I didn't like to get into it much with her as it was a subject very close to her own heart, but she had soooooo much attitude towards me any time I'd say things were a struggle or I didn't like X,Y or Z. Constant "You knew he had kids so you've just got to suck it up. They're your kids now" and things like that.

Whereas now she said she's going to give me the biggest hug in the world when she sees me because she doesn't know how I cope! LOL. How the tables have turned ay .

@Bibidy

That's amazing.

And it's that same "you knew he had kids, suck it up" line that gets trotted out on here so often... I'm willing to bet anyone who says that hasn't been there themselves, either.

Oh and: "they're your kids now" made me and cringe at the same time. No - they're not. They still have two other parents, one of whom you aren't.

It's quite sad how many families seem to struggle with step relationships. I had a positive experience with my own dsd. I wonder if I'm in the minority or we just don't hear about the positive stories?
I had a difficult time as a step child though and I was determined not to repeat the mistakes of my parents.

The whole 'you knew...' thing boils my blood. I knew he had kids, yes. But I had absolutely no idea the hell storm I was getting into and how it would all play out. In my wildest dreams I didn't imagine how toxic other factors could be in it all. I expected one thing, and got a completely different thing.

And actually who truly does know what life will be like in any situation, step kids or something else....

And I think not can and should be positive.... it doesn't have to not be. But both parents have to be in a really 'ok' place. Or at least pretend to be... in order for both sides of the equation to function appropriately. And that's usually the crucial problem... they're not.

@shs25 I would agree. DH, his ex and me have always tried to work together for the sake of dsd. We weren't friends but we were friendly. If there was an issue, dh would address it with his ex away from dsd. We all had to compromise sometimes but I was lucky that dh's ex would always support us and never undermine either of us in front of dsd and we were the same with her.
Dsd is a married woman now and we came together to help with the wedding (his ex actually asked me to come along to choose the dress) and we will all be doting grandparents when the time comes. We have been lucky but it's also taken a conscious effort on all our parts and we recognise this and appreciate one another for it.

@Ikeatears

It's quite sad how many families seem to struggle with step relationships. I had a positive experience with my own dsd. I wonder if I'm in the minority or we just don't hear about the positive stories? I had a difficult time as a step child though and I was determined not to repeat the mistakes of my parents.

I have a far more positive experience now, several years down the line.

But in the beginning, because I didn't have the benefit of the knowledge of the things I listed in my answer to OP's question, it was a tough ride. I think the OP is asking with the benefit of hindsight, what would you do differently or warn yourself about. Answering that doesn't necessarily mean you hate step parenting full stop and it all went tits up. It means there were challenges and you're aware now, on reflection, how you might approach them differently in future. That's certainly what I took from the OP anyway.

This. That's how I try to be with my ex and the children. I don't like him, I'm not ok with how he behaved when we are married.... but I do love the children and they will always love him. Anything that I do is (sometimes through gritted teeth) purely based on what they would need, or, need to be content with their worlds. I'd never undermine him, say anything in front of them.... even if he was being a dick. I never make them choose and always tell them they can love both families equally. I try to allow them to speak openly about their lives there without pressuring them etc etc.It's bloody hard sometimes but I couldn't bear to think the children were or will ever be unhappy. Or even that Exs life over there was being messed up because of me... because that would ultimately cause the children problems too!

And that's why it beggars belief for me the nonsense that other separated parents create and don't see how it can affect their children. I didn't expect to have my life involved or crossed over with another woman who was so dysfunctional and toxic.... that didn't occur to me because it's beyond my realms of thought. And I didn't expect his choice of ex partner to be so damaging and destructive to my life going forward....

I have been shocked by responses I've had from some of my closest friends and even my own sister when I have been struggling with things. At times, people have responded as if I'm evil or launching a personal attack on a young child, which I have never, ever done, even once. Some will shut down the conversation with little or no response because they just think it's distasteful to not just suck up whatever is thrown at you when it comes to stepchildren.
@Bibidy I can so identify with this. I posted on another thread recently how, as 'the deserted wife' I got treated with lots of (unasked for) sympathy. However, as soon as I stepped into a stepparent role the very same friends and family treated me like a pariah! Any difficulties I was having were met with "you knew what you were getting into" & "but it must be so hard for his wife & dc" - friends and family actually kept referring to exdp's exw as his WIFE!!! I had to stop counting the amount of times I had to correct them!
My exh's dw is very visible in asserting her position as his wife. She's taken his name & has had dc with him. He, she, their dc & my dc all share a surname - I don't. She asked that exh's family stop being quite so friendly with me & she really exerts her position in their home. Now I used to think she was being a bit excessive as I'm very respectful of her position & her place (& actually get on well with her), but once I was put in the stepparent role I really got where she was coming from. She never got any hassle from me but I'd imagine that she was getting loads from people in general.
It's really bizarre how stepparents (mothers in particular) are viewed as the s**t on a shoe in a family set up.

And @shs25 I agree totally. I cannot understand the type of parent who thinks causing aggro in the other parent's life is a win.
The inability of certain adults to move on & deal with their hurt & issues away from the dc is bewildering to me.

It's really bizarre how stepparents (mothers in particular) are viewed as the st on a shoe in a family set up.

Yes. This.

I had no problem being a full-time step-parent (in the distant past)... but I’d say “Consider what their father’s main motivation to bring you into the family is. “

I thought his ex was a total psycho. After a few years with him I realised why she was that way.

@shs25

The whole 'you knew...' thing boils my blood. I knew he had kids, yes. But I had absolutely no idea the hell storm I was getting into and how it would all play out. In my wildest dreams I didn't imagine how toxic other factors could be in it all. I expected one thing, and got a completely different thing.

And actually who truly does know what life will be like in any situation, step kids or something else....

Same with ‘you knew it was a package deal’. Well the package turned out to be substantially different to what was advertised. I was told it was 5* all inclusive with maybe a little bit of building noise occasionally. Turned out it’s a leaky tent in the central reservation of the M25.

The relationship between the parents is key I think, if things are hostile and emotions aren't put to one side that usually leads to issues.
I would be wary of getting involved with anyone who had ongoing dramas with an ex partner.
Thankfully we had no problems due to partners son having a lovely mum who's priority was her sons happiness , made life so much easier for all involved.

Same with ‘you knew it was a package deal’. Well the package turned out to be substantially different to what was advertised. I was told it was 5 all inclusive with maybe a little bit of building noise occasionally. Turned out it’s a leaky tent in the central reservation of the M25.*

😂😂😂
This has just made my week.

You knew what you were getting into is a stupid comment.

No one knows what it is like to do something until they do it. I wouldn't tell a mother struggling with a newborn that she knew what she was getting into when she had a baby because obviously no one knows what caring for a baby is like until they have one. Step mothers are expected to somehow be psychic and know what it is like before doing it.

@KylieKoKo

You knew what you were getting into is a stupid comment.

No one knows what it is like to do something until they do it. I wouldn't tell a mother struggling with a newborn that she knew what she was getting into when she had a baby because obviously no one knows what caring for a baby is like until they have one. Step mothers are expected to somehow be psychic and know what it is like before doing it.

Amen

@KylieKoKo

You knew what you were getting into is a stupid comment.

No one knows what it is like to do something until they do it. I wouldn't tell a mother struggling with a newborn that she knew what she was getting into when she had a baby because obviously no one knows what caring for a baby is like until they have one. Step mothers are expected to somehow be psychic and know what it is like before doing it.

👏🏻👏🏻

I revise my earlier post. Just don’t do it, run away, run away fast!

@KylieKoKo

You knew what you were getting into is a stupid comment.

No one knows what it is like to do something until they do it. I wouldn't tell a mother struggling with a newborn that she knew what she was getting into when she had a baby because obviously no one knows what caring for a baby is like until they have one. Step mothers are expected to somehow be psychic and know what it is like before doing it.

Completely agree.

I'd also say that there is absolutely no way for many people to envisage what it will actually be like as many haven't even ever experienced the step dynamic themselves at all in their lives. It's in a league of its own when it comes to awkwardness and the different power struggles at play.

You sort of assume that it'll just be like you've got extra children when they're around but it's not like that at all. Regardless of what people tell you or expect, they don't feel like yours and you're not actually expected to act as if they are in any way except skivvying around after them.

@Holshicup

The relationship between the parents is key I think, if things are hostile and emotions aren't put to one side that usually leads to issues. I would be wary of getting involved with anyone who had ongoing dramas with an ex partner. Thankfully we had no problems due to partners son having a lovely mum who's priority was her sons happiness , made life so much easier for all involved.

Definitely. However, before i arrived on the scene, the relationship between dp and his ex was fine, because he was single and she didn't feel threatened. As soon as he was no longer single, and she realised it was serious - she turned. It was like a switch had been flicked. She went from a totally reasonable, nice human being so being the reincarnation of satan himself. I couldn't have predicted that. He couldn't predict that, and as it happens she had a child with another man prev to him who really was a shit dad (uninvolved druggy) and she didnt stalk his girlfriend, send him nasty text messages or beg him for money on a weekly basis - she ripped up his cheques for child maintenance. We could not have reasonably expected her behaviour to change so drastically.

You sort of assume that it'll just be like you've got extra children when they're around but it's not like that at all. Regardless of what people tell you or expect, they don't feel like yours and you're not actually expected to act as if they are in any way except skivvying around after them.

Definitely. You assume it’ll just be a bit busier.

But then you find that you can do no right. You are expected to facilitate everything and provide the entertainment. But you get no say in anything. And if something goes wrong (child sulks through an activity, doesn’t like dinner, whatever) it’s somehow your fault. Even worse, if you dare be anything other than delighted that the child ruined your day out by sulking, you are evil incarnate.

There’s no way to anticipate the bizarre dynamic. It’s like being permanently gaslighted.

Same with ‘you knew it was a package deal’. Well the package turned out to be substantially different to what was advertised. I was told it was 5 all inclusive with maybe a little bit of building noise occasionally. Turned out it’s a leaky tent in the central reservation of the M25.*

@FishyFriday this is wonderful. Best summary ever!