If you could talk to your past self, what would you say about step-parenting?

[SmokeyApo]

Hi all, regular here but NC frequently for privacy. For context, I am not a step-parent, but I was in a long-term relationship with a single dad with 2 kids for several years and I am still interested in the topic of step parenting.

If you could go back to the day you met your SO (or ex SO) and could give yourself a word of advice right before deciding to get involved with a man with DC, what would you say?

I'll start:

1. you have no idea what you are about to get into. It is way more complex and fucked up than you think.
2. this will crush you and your mental health, because you are not equipped to deal with this situation.
3. you have a lot more to lose than him. He has a lot more to gain than you.
4. unfortunately you won't be able to see any of the above until you are in too deep, and in the end it will hurt like hell.

Perhaps someone else will be able to bring some more positive contributions, but those are my honest thoughts!

His kids can do no wrong, yours are the evil incarnate.

And the worst thing is the armchair critics aact like there's this vast pool of child free and sane men who want relationships to choose from and in 'choosing' someone's ex you have gone out of your way to betray all women.

Trust me if that was the case not many of us would choose this. It's not a deliberate plan and there isn't an alternative. But the way they speak on MN it's like they think you go to John Lewis to pick a man out and decided to pick one with kids just to piss off all ex wives. it's not a choice. It's man with kids or no man

Thanks to my careful first date screening I've never had a problem with the ex or the kids so far (touch wood). It's the "nothing exist but my kids and you are simply an accessory for when I can't see them" dads I've met. Who won't admit that. Ever. Or they are so detached you know it's a red flag.

However, before i arrived on the scene, the relationship between dp and his ex was fine, because he was single and she didn't feel threatened. As soon as he was no longer single, and she realised it was serious - she turned. It was like a switch had been flicked. She went from a totally reasonable, nice human being so being the reincarnation of satan himself.

Oh how I can relate to this.

Just turn around and walk away.
Never again get involved with a man with children.
No one is more capable of manipulation than a teenage step daughter.

Message to teenage step daughter - I can see right through your games and always could.

@Welovetoboogie

Just turn around and walk away. Never again get involved with a man with children. No one is more capable of manipulation than a teenage step daughter.

Message to teenage step daughter - I can see right through your games and always could.

Yep I could have done with this advice too

No one is more capable of manipulation than a teenage step daughter.

This is very true.

@Welovetoboogie

Just turn around and walk away. Never again get involved with a man with children. No one is more capable of manipulation than a teenage step daughter.

Message to teenage step daughter - I can see right through your games and always could.

"Just turn around and walk away" sums it up for me too. He really wasn't worth the headache and heartbreak. No man is.

Eventually, you may have an amazingly great relationship with the DSC that will be (one of your) greatest achievements.

It's never easy and I agree with all PP, but, there can be good outcomes

Run away as fast as you can
He won’t ever trust you to have his kids interests at heart and this will break you
You will shed more tears and heartbreak than this is worth
You need to be comfortable feeling like the outsider
You will always be second best
Don’t underestimate how difficult it is to have another woman always being present and having a say over what you do and when

@Andrewsgirl

Run away as fast as you can He won’t ever trust you to have his kids interests at heart and this will break you You will shed more tears and heartbreak than this is worth You need to be comfortable feeling like the outsider You will always be second best Don’t underestimate how difficult it is to have another woman always being present and having a say over what you do and when

Yeah. This

Step parenting is far harder than parenting. Be proud when you come out the other end, that you have done something many people can't do. Most people struggle with plain old parenting.

Don't invent situations or conversation that may happen. Worrying about things that haven't happened will harm relationships.

Yes, it is fine to be mad about having a snake wondering around the house and near your baby because of careless behaviour from a teen. And yes it's OK to be annoyed on finding hash in a place your DD could access. The DSCs are in the wrong, your daughter is important.

Run, run, run, don't look back..... this shit never ends!

Don’t do it, it’s not worth it. Life’s too short

WTAF was I thinking... don't do it, to your kids/his kids... The toxic-ex will have poisoned and continue to poison everything - NO ONE was truly happy/no one was fulfilled/no one's needs were EVER met amongst the juggling/balancing/soothing...Everybody was hurting.... Neither me nor DH managed to help each other feel truly supported, even though we tried...

1. Their mother will test you to your limits, don’t take it personally. You will get called names/ be the horrible person in the family and there’s nothing you can do about that. Don’t stoop to their level.
2. Go slow.
3. You can put your own child first, no matter how harsh it makes you look. You can spend time apart and do things separate as a family. Your DC will thank you for it.
4. Create boundaries early on regarding behaviour and expectations in the home.
5. Create boundaries early on with your partner in to how much you are willing to contribute to the parenting role.
6. Don’t force the relationship between yourself and your SC. Let it come naturally. Otherwise you will just create more distance between you both.

His wife left him for a reason.

@MrsHusky

His wife left him for a reason.

I would tend to agree.

I'd say don't do it.

I love my partner deeply now and also care about DSS but it is so much more difficult than I imagined (he has a lot of issues) and if I could turn back the clock to never start talking to DP I think I'd do it.

I care far too much about both of them to leave, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't change things if I had the chance to.

Step parenting is far harder than parenting. Be proud when you come out the other end, that you have done something many people can't do. Most people struggle with plain old parenting

This. And when the little girl who eyed you with deep suspicion at your first meeting sends you a card 23 years later that says “Thank you for marrying my dad” you know that all the work’s been worthwhile. Something I’d never once have believed possible.

@Alsohuman

Step parenting is far harder than parenting. Be proud when you come out the other end, that you have done something many people can't do. Most people struggle with plain old parenting

This. And when the little girl who eyed you with deep suspicion at your first meeting sends you a card 23 years later that says “Thank you for marrying my dad” you know that all the work’s been worthwhile. Something I’d never once have believed possible.

This made me feel like there’s hope. Thank you for posting ❤️

Don't assume it gets better when they get older. It's WORSE.

You’re welcome @Pomp. It’s difficult to believe when you’re in the thick of it and you’re biting your tongue. We definitely had our moments but we seem to have got there.

@siyhack58342

I thought his ex was a total psycho. After a few years with him I realised why she was that way.

Hahaha

Hmm...

I personally have never absolutely regretted becoming a step parent. But I think that is mainly down to DHs ex being a perfectly sane and pleasant woman who I get along well with. Honestly I couldn't even explain how much easier that has made things, especially in forging good relationships with the children BUT there are definitely things I'd do differently if I were to start again.

Firstly, I'd honestly not get as involved as I now am. I end up doing so much and quite honestly I resent it sometimes. It began as favours and has now turned into expectations from both DH and his ex. I do just wish I'd left all the drudgery so to speak, to their parents and not gotten involved in any of it.

Secondly I'd warn myself to expect the usual BS expectations you see time and time again on places like MN and to tell myself not to tie myself in knots over them. It's okay that I don't love DSC like my own, it is okay to my DC out for the day without DSC, it is okay to not think of DSC as my children and so on... It is a minefield and really all you can do is what feels right for your family because there is literally no one size fits all with blended families I have come to realise. A lot of people's views on how they should work are so rigid and don't allow for any varying factors at all.

@SpaceshiptoMars I'm really interested in this...can I ask more about the struggles/your experiences of adult step children? I keep telling myself it'll be easier once they're adults but am I being naive!? X