If you could talk to your past self, what would you say about step-parenting?

[SmokeyApo]

Hi all, regular here but NC frequently for privacy. For context, I am not a step-parent, but I was in a long-term relationship with a single dad with 2 kids for several years and I am still interested in the topic of step parenting.

If you could go back to the day you met your SO (or ex SO) and could give yourself a word of advice right before deciding to get involved with a man with DC, what would you say?

I'll start:

1. you have no idea what you are about to get into. It is way more complex and fucked up than you think.
2. this will crush you and your mental health, because you are not equipped to deal with this situation.
3. you have a lot more to lose than him. He has a lot more to gain than you.
4. unfortunately you won't be able to see any of the above until you are in too deep, and in the end it will hurt like hell.

Perhaps someone else will be able to bring some more positive contributions, but those are my honest thoughts!

All of those things.

The thing I wish I had known first and foremost is that some exs really are psychos and unfortunately it's not always a cliché.

All of those things. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Your job does not stop when the children reach 18 and go to university.

The child that has long left home can be the biggest challenge of your life.

Never a good deed goes unpunished!

Don't do it. Don't sell my house. Don't move in.

All of the above!
And,
You will be expected to have NO expectations. Literally none!
You will be expected to work to fund your dc & the household (no problem with this - would be doing it anyway), but you will have to watch your partner hand over most of his disposable income to fund the life of a woman who refuses point blank to financially contribute towards her dc.
You and your dc will always have to be fine because NO ONE has it worse than the sdc.
Some ex's are fully embedded in Golden Uterus Syndrome & nothing will ever change that!

Oh yes, OP. Every single word.

Also: that this is where the patriarchy really pokes you in the eye: (you’re a woman therefore you’ll just suck everything up/nurturing everyone/need nothing and dad can get away with cruising through and not parenting actually and all eyes will be on the women - ex partner, who needs the equivalent of an actual salary to survive, faulty controlling step mum who might need 24hrs notice about dsc turning up delete as appropriate).

• disclaimer: some ex Wives are Actually Batshit in real life, and sometimes, theoretically(? Anyone?), NR dads do parent

I’d encourage myself not to be quite so optimistic about the sanity of his ex and to temper my confidence in his ability not to parent from a place of guilt.

Your partner will make being a happy and enthusiastic stepmum impossible. It’s never going to be easy and you will never particularly enjoy being a stepmum in the relationship that you’re in. It’s something you will tolerate because you have to. Sorry.

The ex wife will say some nasty shit. She’s wrong about all of it.

The in laws will favour dsc always. So when your children go on a little UK holiday with your parents without dsc and your MIL complains about how hard done by dsc is, remind her that dsc had a holiday abroad with her just a few months before. There really isn’t anything she can say as a come back. Also, have lots of lovely days out with your parents and children. Dsc will of course come on some of them, but the majority not. Sometimes being the bigger person just isn’t the answer when your children need you to advocate for them and the other person/people will never change anyway.

Eventually your ex will leave. Life will be better and easier. Stepparenting won’t be in your life forever.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I repeat - boundaries! If something is bothering you, speak. Do not feel ashamed to feel things, you are human. Oh, and keep as far away from the exW as possible.

Unless you have clear and enforced boundaries, everyone (DH, his parents, your parents and possibly your friends if they haven't experienced step-parenting themselves), will expect you to put yourself at the back of the queue in every single situation, because the poor traumatised DSC must always come first, and you and your DC are the lucky ones because DH lives in your household.

Even though I am now through to the other side of a lot of the worst of it, I still wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I would advise my younger self to build a relationship with a man who has no DC, or doesn't want any (if you don't), especially if you are under 40!

Oh gosh, this is sobering reading. I am in a relationship with a woman, and I'm the one with children and an abusive ex. I don't want her to feel subsumed by life with dc, and disappear.

That it shows what a good dad he is. That the kids are lovely, that it an exercise in selflessness but it will be a lovely experience. I had a positive experience.

@WhatHappenedToThose

Oh gosh, this is sobering reading. I am in a relationship with a woman, and I'm the one with children and an abusive ex. I don't want her to feel subsumed by life with dc, and disappear.

Its not a given, don't worry!

My biggest advice to you as the parent is to not go in with the "my kids come first therefore you shall always come second" attitude because ime, it just doesn't work.

I'm assuming you have your kids ft, or close to it, and I think that's a very different kettle of fish, and sometimes actually much easier to cope with.

All of the above. Plus

Some ex wives are absolute psychos hellbent on destruction
The dysfunction between aforementioned psycho and your new partner predates you. A healthy relationship will never be able to compete. You will either need to turn into a psycho drama queen yourself to be seen/ heard or walk away.
You/ your children will be viewed as being ‘lucky’ by a NRP father with EOW contact. The fact that you had a divorce / your children’s family separated is by the by.
The EOW red carpet dynamic is a complete headfuck
Don’t do it. Walk away.

Thanks, Trust. I do try to balance everyone's needs and I don't think she feels like she comes last.

Yes, I have the dc almost 100% of the time, apart from supervised contact twice a month. It's probably different, so I won't derail the thread, but I will read in the hopes I can avoid pitfalls.

Oh. The exwife will always have your partner by the balls. And they will be unable to implement boundaries and prioritise their relationship with you. But they’ll expect you to prioritise their children all the time.

It gets easier with time....

You’ll be stronger the other side....

@WhatHappenedToThose

Thanks, Trust. I do try to balance everyone's needs and I don't think she feels like she comes last.

Yes, I have the dc almost 100% of the time, apart from supervised contact twice a month. It's probably different, so I won't derail the thread, but I will read in the hopes I can avoid pitfalls.

I think the fact you're even aware of it means you're off to a better start than most

I would have walked away. Covid has probably saved my marriage because I don’t see the (adult) children presently and maintenance draws to an end this year. Be prepared to always come second, and for the spectre of the ex wife to always be in the frame.

All of those things. Nail on the head right there.

I allowed myself to be treated like a doormat and was free childcare for ten years. Heaven forbid that I ever expressed an opinion or disapproved of any bad behaviour. I was expected to put up with it and keep quiet.

Yes - some ex’s are psychos and will go out of their way to make your life miserable. Unfortunately as long as you are with him, they will be part of your present and future.

I’d love to be able to add a positive contribution but sadly I’ve got nothing!

All of those.

Plus

-put your boundaries in place ASAP! It is not your job to parent - the kids have 2 of those.

• It's ok not to love the kids as your own. Not only is it ok, I've entirely normal.

• don't bother trying to communicate with the exW- she'll hate you for no reason whatsoever even though she's the one who cheated on your partner and left him.

• don't always expect a "one big happy family" scenario all the time - it's fine to do separate things with your own child on some days while your partner does the same with his kids.

That's about it.

1 run away
2 don't look back.

@purplebiscuits

1 run away 2 don't look back.

That.

@purplebiscuits

1 run away 2 don't look back.

Lol

@purplebiscuits

1 run away 2 don't look back.

Scrap mine.
I choose this.