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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is there ever an escape?

40 replies

tellmeagainhowitis · 17/03/2021 10:05

I'm just wondering if there is ever an escape from the ex?

I've had a (private) mini-meltdown this morning after choosing some new lamps for the house and hearing 'my mummy has those'.

It's not about the lamps, it's just that lately it feels unbearable.

  • She asked if she could come in the house to look for some things. No, you don't live here and this is not your house. Tell us what you're looking for and we'll find it. This sense of entitlement is frustrating and bewildering.
  • She has just moved next door but one to us. This feels strange to me and is not something I would do. It will also involve her walking past the front of our house and the large living room window at least twice a day. Every. Single. Day.
  • She used to message pretty much every day though this has lessened after discussions with my partner around boundaries.

The lamps feel like the straw that has broken me but I'm just sick of it.
Does it stop? Will it get easier? Would you find it strange that it's all a bit too close?

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 17/03/2021 10:08

It sounds very claustrophobic.
How long are you with your dp?

ClearMountain · 17/03/2021 10:15

Moving in as a neighbour is bizarre. You can’t stop her but I’d move immediately. Your contact with her should be limited to brief discussions about the children, nothing more. You should never have to see her.

withpeaceandlove · 17/03/2021 11:12

What does your DH say about it all? Did she discuss moving in 2 doors down before she did it?
She sounds very suffocating op I feel for you

ihavenowords30 · 17/03/2021 11:24

Oh gosh I would hate the ex and kids living so close 🙈🙈 you have my sympathy! Make your DP set down ground rules at least or you will be driven mad

HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 11:26

I'd be out of there! Life's too short to live it like that.

FelicityPike · 17/03/2021 11:29

I would move too. If you can, of course.

Gloomandglow · 17/03/2021 11:30

Move.

That level of proximity would drive me bananas.

tisonlymeagain · 17/03/2021 11:34

Oh hell no. I wouldn't be putting up with that. I'd be moving.

sorryiasked · 17/03/2021 11:37

Wow. That would have finished me off.
No it doesn't ever end, I'm 29 years a step mum and even now she will still purposely phone the "kids" when she knows they're at ours (pre covid obvs) because she can't bear to think they might actually have a normal relationship with us. The only time she was slightly better was when she found a man stupid enough to put up with her shit for a while.
Move. Now.
Flowers

Splonking · 17/03/2021 11:44

What an utterly strange this to do! Honestly... I would actually move! Hell would have to freeze over before I lived anywhere near DP's exW!

Pleaseaddcaffine · 17/03/2021 12:53

Move! Seriously I would move

MeridianB · 17/03/2021 12:58

Oh golly. What a really odd thing for her to do. Not many people would welcome that.

Definitely set the boundaries straight away. If you don’t want her in your home then absolutely stick to that and be sure your DH backs you. I would hate it, too.

Tune out the DSD comments as much as you can.

Does the ex have a partner?

HypnoRuler · 17/03/2021 13:11

No it doesnt.

thatsgotit · 17/03/2021 13:27

Ugh, feeling your pain.

When I moved in with DH his ex was living in the next street. She and her new DH and my DH had stayed friends and spent a lot of social time together, which was nice for DSD of course, but it was relentless. I tried to respect their existing friendships but his ex made it too hard. Before I moved in I was expected to spend social time with them every single time I visited DH for the weekend, and she acted very wronged and hurt when we wanted to do things alone. Apparently she was 'only trying to make me feel welcome' but everything we did socially was on her terms and hers alone.

She still had a key and used to come to the house whenever she felt like it, no warning, no knocking. If no reply, she'd let herself in. I've wfh for many years and once I'd moved in I never knew when she was going to turn up. Apparently she was entitled to do this because she and DH had a child together. She expected to still have a key after I moved in, and flipped her lid when told she couldn't. (I promise I'm not making this up.)

There's more, but it's outing. Suffice it to say there were virtually no boundaries whatsoever. Admittedly DH's fault in part, as he didn't seem to see the need for any, but all this meant the early days of my living there were very fraught.

It didn't get any easier until they moved away, and due to her entitled behaviour it didn't properly stop until my DSD hit 18.

OP I'm sure your situation isn't as extreme and I don't mean to depress you, but I do think there's a strong chance this will never get better while she lives so close. I hope I'm wrong, though. Hope it gets easier.

Original poster
tellmeagainhowitis · 17/03/2021 13:31

Thank goodness I honestly wondered if I was just going crazy.

Thankfully we are due to be moving this summer so that’s already in the pipeline, however she didn’t know this when she chose to move on our doorstep. She’s already within walking distance so it beggars belief that she’d want to be 2 doors away.

My partner says he understands but I’m not sure he really does “get it” if you know what I mean.

Thankfully my ex is very much that and as we don’t have a child he’s not a consideration in our lives.

His ex has decided that she wants us to be friends and I can’t help but feel there is an ulterior motive or that she is trying to keep tabs on our life.

I’ve met her a few times and been friendly but I’d be much happier if I didn’t have to be involved for hand overs, at least for a little while whilst I get some breathing space.

How often do you see your partner’s ex and are you “friends”?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 17/03/2021 13:31

Oh my god no. That sounds awful and suffocating. I hope you get the opportunity to move!

Just recently, a council house came up on the street where my ex’s ex wife and my former stepchild live. I’ve been applying for 6 years now, and the house was very suitable for mine and my children’s needs, but it was next door but one to them. No chance was I applying for it and running the risk of living so close to them.

Original poster
tellmeagainhowitis · 17/03/2021 13:39

@thatsgotit - oh gosh we were typing at the same time, I’ve just read your situation and I really feel for you. Thank you for sharing.

It is that sense of entitlement and not really knowing what she’s going to ask for next that has got me feeling unnerved.

I’m glad it’s it better for you in the end, even if it did take a long time Flowers

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2021 13:44

Move quicker. As quick as you can. What was she thinking? That’s crazy behaviour.

DH and his ex aren’t friends and can’t stand each other. I’ve never officially met her and have no desire to. She’s a horrible person.

KylieKoKo · 17/03/2021 13:53

I'm all for separated parents living in the same area to make it easier for the children but 2 doors down is insane! And wanting to entering your home to rummage round for things is just weird.

Dps ex lives a 15 minute walk away. I see her occasionally on drop offs and handovers. We have each others number in case of emergencies but we rarely use it. We are friendly towards each other but not friends.

sassbott · 17/03/2021 15:28

So unboundaried. Red flags galore that your partner doesn’t ‘get it.’

I was with my exp for year. His EXW is a vile excuse of a human being. So no, not friends, zero conversation. To this day I think the woman is awful.

My exh and I are amicable. So he and my exp were civil to one another. Had one another’s numbers If needed (for emergencies). They were civil but not friends. Nor would they ever be.

This is borderline stalking. Sorry but it is.

Original poster
tellmeagainhowitis · 17/03/2021 16:43

Thanks for your replies.

@KylieKoKo - it's good to hear that you live within walking distance but it's not too full on.
I understand we need to be close by to make everyone's lives easier but the doorstep is too close. When we move it'll be about a 10-15 minute walk but hopefully far enough away that she won't feel like a presence.

@sassbott - it's the red flags I'm worried about. It's making me feel stressed and questioning if it's just too much. I don't want that to be the case I just want space to breathe.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 17/03/2021 16:47

@tellmeagainhowitis Trust your instincts and don’t second guess yourself in the face of pressure from the ex or indifference from your DH. It’s not a given that exes are friends with new partners and it’s certainly not something that should be forced.

Great if everyone is civil for the sake of the children but don’t feel you have to go beyond that, especially if it will encourage her to keep trying to come into your home. Personally I’d avoid giving my mobile number and not connect on any social media. You can still be polite and smiley if you bump into her but no need for more.

I agree with others saying keep your move on track or move faster if you can. And keep the details close to your chest ahead of time. Is the ex renting or has she bought? If the former, I’d be worried about her suddenly moving again 😮

@thatsgotit I am so glad you’re free of that horror story now!

Original poster
tellmeagainhowitis · 17/03/2021 16:49

Another thing I forgot to mention is that after DP told her we were going to be moving, she asked DSS if he knew where the new house was.

He'd been with us on the day of the viewing so knew the house and ended up taking her there. Not the child's fault, he's 10 and only doing as his mother asked but it's just so strange that she'd want to go see it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
tellmeagainhowitis · 17/03/2021 16:52

@MeridianB - cross post! You must have sensed what I was writing.
To answer your question she's renting and we're buying. I wouldn't have told her where the house was until we'd moved in or the week before but she asked DSS to show her and he took her.

I think you're right about being civil but in no way connecting on social media and maintaining distance as much as I can.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 17/03/2021 16:52

He'd been with us on the day of the viewing so knew the house and ended up taking her there

Oh no! Her behaviour is not normal. It’s just reminded me of when we moved and the ex asked the SCs to secretly take photos around the new house so she could see everything.

Is your DH scared of upsetting her? If that’s what’s behind him ‘not getting it’ then you need to make sure he’s way more scared of upsetting you 😡