Is there ever an escape?

[tellmeagainhowitis]

I'm just wondering if there is ever an escape from the ex?

I've had a (private) mini-meltdown this morning after choosing some new lamps for the house and hearing 'my mummy has those'.

It's not about the lamps, it's just that lately it feels unbearable.

• She asked if she could come in the house to look for some things. No, you don't live here and this is not your house. Tell us what you're looking for and we'll find it. This sense of entitlement is frustrating and bewildering.

• She has just moved next door but one to us. This feels strange to me and is not something I would do. It will also involve her walking past the front of our house and the large living room window at least twice a day. Every. Single. Day.

• She used to message pretty much every day though this has lessened after discussions with my partner around boundaries.

The lamps feel like the straw that has broken me but I'm just sick of it.
Does it stop? Will it get easier? Would you find it strange that it's all a bit too close?

Did your DH not see how creepy and inappropriate it was for his ex to ask a 10 yo to do this? Has he called her out on it? I’m guessing you found out as DSS told you?

Oh gosh that's awful, how did you find out? I didn't even think of that but I'll keep an eye out for any sneaky photo taking when we move in...

DSS told us and she mentioned it briefly in front of him when she picked him up but obviously we couldn't raise the issue with him standing there. As far as I'm aware it hasn't been discussed with her as an issue...

I heard the phone camera clicking in a room and found them doing it. They were only young and had no idea that it was odd or wrong and I wasn’t cross with them but it was the latest in a long line of unpleasant behaviour from her.

This was once we were settled in - so all our things around. It also made me extra careful about keeping all financial documents tucked away, too. Just in case.

choosing some new lamps for the house and hearing 'my mummy has those'.

You have the same taste in men and lamps (lighthearted of course)

It's not about the lamps, it's just that lately it feels unbearable.

- She asked if she could come in the house to look for some things.

That's rather odd. Did she used to live there or something?

It's good to live close while coparenting, but the same residential street is far too close, never mind next door but one.

It doesn't give either of you any privacy and is suffocating.

I was going to say she's obsessed, but perhaps it's more that she's very nosy and has a lot of time on her hands.

I am a step mom and yes, it’s really tough. I would be uncomfortable with the proximity; the ex being able to see your front door is weird. A few streets away would be convenient and good for the kids, but this is much too close.

I do not think it’s strange for a parent to want to know where their child is moving, or even to want to see the house. But the ex obviously has a boundary issue regardless.

I’m six years in and despite her claiming she’s so very deliriously happy she won’t let go! The adult children are her cling on reason. It’s so sad and hopelessly pathetic.

Entitlement to everything screams out from her. She gave birth to his children it doesn’t make her a saint worthy of his time and attention forever more.

DH can’t stand her but she still believes she has the upper hand over him.

Ugh, two doors down - I'd find that unbearable.

It's funny you mentioned the fairly innocuous comment about the lamps as the first part of the post. I know exactly what that's like. It's the small throwaway comment that can push you over the edge.

I joined a sports club and was chatting to some of the other members, one asked about my child. A bystander suddenly made the connection that she knew my partner and started gushing that she knew 'his wife' (she is his ex) and her family really well. She was chatting really excitedly as if I was a cousin or somebody. Then she asked what my child was called and said " oh wow" listed all of my DSC's names along with my child's name and remarked they were all very unusual weren't they?

For reasons I could not then rationalise I went totally flushed and felt FURIOUS. She kept babbling completely oblivious. I wanted to yell at her that one of the children was my child whose name I chose, they didn't all get named together, I wasn't the latest addition to their marriage and neither was my child.

Of course like yourself, it wasn't about the cushions it was about much much more - the ex treating me with complete disregard swanning in and out of my house uninvited till I put a stop to it, sending obnoxious instructions till I told her not to contact me unless it was an emergency, arriving uninvited at his family occasions he specifically asked her to stay away from etc.

My advice is, breathe deep and make yourself heard. Do not let her dictate the terms of interaction.

My DSD’s mum lives next door but one and I’d always tried to keep things super friendly with her until she started really over stepping the boundaries and I shouted at her to leave because she was upsetting my DD.
Though she’s next door but one I never really see or hear from her any more and it’s been very good for my mental health. I hadn’t realised until I put that strong boundary down that I was so bothered by her presence in my life.

Wanting to come in your house is unnecessary and a bit weird (as is moving next door but one, but nothing you can really do about that).

But in answer to your question, it might never stop completely. In the last few years my stepmum and mum have been to two of my graduations and one of my sisters where they had to make polite small talk. They have attended my hen night and wedding and will do the same for my sister when covid allows. And, now I have a baby and dsis is pregnant, they have years of children's birthday parties and events to look forward to.

I don't say this to be mean (and your family might be different to mine), but I think people often forget that once stepchildren grow up it can get harder, rather than easier, to keep their two families apart.

IMO it makes sense to set your boundaries sooner rather than later, but the more civil you can keep things the easier everyone's lives will be in the future.

@Milkshake7489 your situation doesn't sound like the ops. I've been to a few events with DPS ex and it's fine. But it's only fine because she behaves like a normal person. If she wanted to rummage through my house to find stuff when I wasn't in or constantly messaged it wouldn't have been fine.

@kyliekoko

Maybe not but the OP asked when it would end and unfortunately family events happen regardless of whether parents and stepparents are civil with one another.

Obviously you can refuse to attend... but in that case it's awkward all around.

Sorry posted too soon:

That's why I'd always advise people to set boundaries as soon as possible, rather than thinking 'never mind, they'll be out of my hair once the children grow up'.

OMG this is hilarious, I’m only laughing because I know your moving.

Although Hubby’s ExW moved recently and wouldn’t tell us where she lived? SD then told us mum didn’t like us looking in her house? And also SD isn’t allowed to take pictures or Zoom call in any other room but her bedroom in case we see their things. We have no idea what that’s about but we laughed our heads off anyway.

I don’t think I’d like my partners ex to be able to have a 360 tour of my house and belongings tbh. It’s quite intrusive.