Opinions on child maintenance when the NRP is a SAHP

[CrashesOverMe]

Just what the title says? NRP (Dad) has remarried and their wife is the breadwinner, thus their own income is zero as they are a SAHD. Legally they aren't required to pay anything but should they? (which would actually mean step parent paying!) In terms of child contact everyone is in agreement so although they could see their Dad more often, everyone is happy with him having the lower % of time.

I think both parents should financially support a child, not just one or the state. It’s no different though to a RP not working.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I think both parents should financially support a child, not just one or the state. It’s no different though to a RP not working.

Absolutely no nuance or insight.

Sledgehammer.

equally she has had the last 18 months when one child has been in school and the other could have had 30 free nursery hours to have found some sort of work to at least boost their income a bit

There is nothing equal about it. How do you propose the OP would have managed the covid situation with lockdowns whilst working? Or are you going to suggest she should have found herself a key worker job? The 'free' 30 hours of nursery frequently isn't free. And frequently is hard to come by.

Sledgehammer

Yep. So terribly convenient to say 'but she should be working'.

The other thing that concerns me is how are DP's ex, Lou's DP's ex and the OP planning on surviving once the children grow up and the state benefits and child maintenance stop?

FFS. Give the poor woman a break. Her life has changed beyond all recognition in a short space of time, we are in the middle of a bloody pandemic and her children are young. She has plenty of time to work things out.

There is nothing equal about it. How do you propose the OP would have managed the covid situation with lockdowns whilst working? Or are you going to suggest she should have found herself a key worker job? The 'free' 30 hours of nursery frequently isn't free. And frequently is hard to come by.

In the same way the rest of us have managed it?

And how is the 30 hours funded childcare not free? All 3 and 4 year olds are eligible aren't they?

I think both parents should financially support a child, not just one or the state. It’s no different though to a RP not working.

No, because caring for a child has no impact whatsoever on your life, except financial. My toddler makes his own breakfast, walks himself to nursery, is never ill and sleeps perfectly so I never have an interrupted night's sleep. In fact, I often pop out to the pub with friends (pre-Covid) or to do a night shift to earn some extra money when he's in bed. If I'm running late from work, no need to worry since he has his own key and can let himself in after nursery. If he's ill, I just leave him with his teddy, the TV remote, a glass of milk and a plate of cheese sandwiches while I go to work. He gives himself his own bath while I chill in front of the TV, cooks dinner for both of us and even puts the dishwasher on after he's finished. He does his laundry and prepares his bag for nursery every night before he goes to sleep. At the weekends, he doesn't need me to entertain him because he just puts the TV on or takes himself out for a long walk. Occasionally, we catch up over cookies and a glass of hot milk.

Nope, can't see any way that being an RP is different from being an NRP.

@EnoughnowIthink

Sledgehammer

Yep. So terribly convenient to say 'but she should be working'.

But she didn’t say that She said all parents should work.end of.

@MessAllOver

I think both parents should financially support a child, not just one or the state. It’s no different though to a RP not working.

No, because caring for a child has no impact whatsoever on your life, except financial. My toddler makes his own breakfast, walks himself to nursery, is never ill and sleeps perfectly so I never have an interrupted night's sleep. In fact, I often pop out to the pub with friends (pre-Covid) or to do a night shift to earn some extra money when he's in bed. If I'm running late from work, no need to worry since he has his own key and can let himself in after nursery. If he's ill, I just leave him with his teddy, the TV remote, a glass of milk and a plate of cheese sandwiches while I go to work. He gives himself his own bath while I chill in front of the TV, cooks dinner for both of us and even puts the dishwasher on after he's finished. He does his laundry and prepares his bag for nursery every night before he goes to sleep. At the weekends, he doesn't need me to entertain him because he just puts the TV on or takes himself out for a long walk. Occasionally, we catch up over cookies and a glass of hot milk.

Nope, can't see any way that being an RP is different from being an NRP.

NRP is doing that for the 2 children who live with him 100% of the time and 25% of the time for the SC though.

If RP works in that 25% of time, none of this is relevant and that’s what’s being suggested.

What you are describing is the typical life of a working parent. I have done it as part of a couple, and alone, and you just have to figure it out. It would have been easier to say, yeah you know what I’ll just stay at home. But I didn’t. And millions of other parents don’t either.

Being in a couple didnt necessarily make it any easier for me. My partner worked shifts sometimes 12 hour days 8-8 including weekends I was on my own doing it a lot anyway. I managed, and I worked. When I was on my own sometimes it was actually easier as the days I worked when ex had the kids I didn’t have to worry about this stuff. Someone already suggested that. NRP could collect from childcare on the Friday leaving RO Friday, sat and Sunday in which to work with no childcare responsibility at all. If the kids are ill, unless it’s an emergency pick up, ask ex to have them until they are better. He’s now a SAHP so that’s the bit he has to pick up.

Even part time would be better than just not at all because it’s easier.

NRP is doing that for the 2 children who live with him 100% of the time and 25% of the time for the SC though.

No he isn't. Neither the NRP or his wife are balancing work and childcare. One works and one does the childcare. Not the same as being a single working parent.

@EnoughnowIthink

equally she has had the last 18 months when one child has been in school and the other could have had 30 free nursery hours to have found some sort of work to at least boost their income a bit

There is nothing equal about it. How do you propose the OP would have managed the covid situation with lockdowns whilst working? Or are you going to suggest she should have found herself a key worker job? The 'free' 30 hours of nursery frequently isn't free. And frequently is hard to come by.

Not sure this is relevant as no one saw the Covid situation coming. We didn’t all work 18 months ago thinking, i wonder what I will do if we have a pandemic. So if she secured work before all of that which she could have, she would have just dealt with it the same way everyone else did.

Either she would have been a keyworker and so childcare continued or been WFH with kids there like so many of us also did, or on furlough, dependant on work place. Everyone had to deal with the pandemic, being a couple or single had no impact on that job/childcare wise. It’s not like couples could choose for one to go to work and one to stay home, everyone had to work within the confines of their job/role/responsibility/workplace rules. And places had to make allowances for those with children.

My DPs ex is a keyworker in the first lockdown she was on furlough because DSC couldn’t go to school and they could spare her, if she’d had to go in he would have had a school place or been with us.

If OPs ex was at home all this time also, she could have managed the pandemic by NRP doing more of the care (as no school or childcare) and she could have continued working.

She doesn’t have to have the kids 75% of the time if the issue is school runs and the distance from exes house. He could have done 75 and her 25. Lots of parents had to change their arrangements this way to help suit the kids depending on what was happening with their jobs.

My ex has had my DC more because his hrs reduced and my DP has had DSC more because his mum has to work and we are both at home.

If NRP is unwilling to help with care OR money then that’s another matter. But it doesn’t seem like he has an issue helping with care, he sees his kids regularly and OP never said he was a bad dad who only had them every now and again or not at all. So that’s what she needs to be asking for. More help with care not the money as he doesn’t have it.

What you are describing is the typical life of a working parent. I have done it as part of a couple, and alone, and you just have to figure it out.

Yup. I've done all that too. Single for years as well as in a couple in recent years. The single part was in her younger years too, so much harder. She's a teen now and able to let herself in after school etc, but she certainly wasn't doing that aged 4 after nursery! I just had to get myself from work to get her. It's the way it was.

@MessAllOver

NRP is doing that for the 2 children who live with him 100% of the time and 25% of the time for the SC though.

No he isn't. Neither the NRP or his wife are balancing work and childcare. One works and one does the childcare. Not the same as being a single working parent.

I don’t understand how RP would be balancing work and childcare though if she’s working when NRP has the kids?

Then technically it’s the same ‘one parent is working (RP) and one parent is doing the childcare (NRP)’

Only difference is they don’t live in the same house

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

When they got together he was still married to someone else though and had 2 small kids he was willing to leave. There's no accounting for taste!

Quite!

@MessAllOver

NRP is doing that for the 2 children who live with him 100% of the time and 25% of the time for the SC though.

No he isn't. Neither the NRP or his wife are balancing work and childcare. One works and one does the childcare. Not the same as being a single working parent.

Also the only parts of your post that are relevant to working life and not general parenting are ;

Childcare drop off, childcare pick ups and days they are ill.

These are the things that employers would be worried about and what make it more difficult being single. Again if she works when NRP has the kids, these things won’t matter.

If she chooses to work when he doesn’t have them, she can work around the hours of childcare and ensure she has a job that won’t require extra hours. ask family for help or have someone on standby for emergencies (she said she has family she can call on already), and for sick days they can go to dad as he is home anyway, or she can take parental leave.

There are options and most parents have to use these at times, single or not.

*I don’t understand how RP would be balancing work and childcare though if she’s working when NRP has the kids?
*
No me neither. I wish I'd had a SAHD option instead of paying extortionate childcare fees back in the day - I'd have snapped his hand off.

@LouJ85

*I don’t understand how RP would be balancing work and childcare though if she’s working when NRP has the kids? * No me neither. I wish I'd had a SAHD option instead of paying extortionate childcare fees back in the day - I'd have snapped his hand off.

I have a friend who has been single in the past and done just that. She worked weekends when her son was at his dads. Because it worked out better off than working and paying childcare. She worked on NMW, but picked up extra hours where she could if they were available in school holidays and such. But in pretty much this exact situation. But she worked. They split when their son was about 1.5yrs old and she worked since then with his dad doing the childcare while she did so.

If she chooses to work when he doesn’t have them, she can work around the hours of childcare and ensure she has a job that won’t require extra hours. ask family for help or have someone on standby for emergencies (she said she has family she can call on already), and for sick days they can go to dad as he is home anyway, or she can take parental leave.

The holy grail and jobs!

*of

I have a friend who has been single in the past and done just that. She worked weekends when her son was at his dads. Because it worked out better off than working and paying childcare.

See because of the field I'm trained in, full time Mon-Fri is the only option, and, I'd have been worse off if I'd taken a NMW job at weekends when she was at her dad's just to avoid childcare fees - it would have been a false economy in my circumstances. But I wish I'd had the option of reducing my childcare fees in some way by sending her to the other parent while I worked. As it happened, her dad worked too, same hours as me, so it wasn't an option.

The OPs question was not "how can I earn more money?" This has veered far off track. Even if she was minted, he has walked always from his responsibilities and that's vile in my opinion.

(Again, not SM's job to pick up the slack, but she has married and had babies with a real deadbeat in my opinion).

@LaceyBetty

The OPs question was not "how can I earn more money?" This has veered far off track. Even if she was minted, he has walked always from his responsibilities and that's vile in my opinion.

(Again, not SM's job to pick up the slack, but she has married and had babies with a real deadbeat in my opinion).

No it wasn't her question but, reiterating that he's a rubbish dad who doesn't work and it's morally shit etc etc, does nothing to help the OP in a practical sense. She can't force him back to work, or enforce any practical changes upon him and his choices. She has to do what's within her own control now, if she wants to improve the financial situation for her children. That's the angle we are coming from.

@CrashesOverMe

The etc was UC, CB to survive, I don't work but even if I did I still feel his household should be contributing financially.

He won't do anything to earn money.

So if neither parent is contributing to the children, why is it unfair that he isn’t when you don’t either?

You want the SM to pay because neither parent works?

@LaceyBetty

If she chooses to work when he doesn’t have them, she can work around the hours of childcare and ensure she has a job that won’t require extra hours. ask family for help or have someone on standby for emergencies (she said she has family she can call on already), and for sick days they can go to dad as he is home anyway, or she can take parental leave.

The holy grail and jobs!

The point being ‘if she chooses’ so if that’s the choice of job she wants, she has to make that work somehow. I managed it, in 3-4 different jobs, so I wouldn’t say it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I had to have friends and family on standby to help, and I had to use that help at times. I had to take parental leave too, and also change my childcare to one that finished at 6 not 5 as I didn’t drive. It’s not impossible at all.

But that’s if she chooses. She can choose to work weekends, when he has the kids. Then as I said before none of the child responsibilities with be an issue as they are his

@LouJ85 fair enough. I just think it must be ridiculously hard for the OP right now and telling her to just go get a job that "fits exactly around the 25% of the time the kids are with him" or one that is "only term time and during school hours" or to "just take parental leave when they're sick" is not realistic. I know some have done it, but, in the meantime, the kids at doing without because of their father's choices.