Struggling with step kids .Please help

[Ohhhhhsquishy]

I have been with my partner 18 months .
We moved in after a year . His children girl 11 ,
Girl 9 and son 17 come and stay with us every other weekend . I have no children of my own .

Frustration 1

He has left the children in the family home - meaning they have a huge house and he can’t take out a second home and is stuck renting with me. I am now looking to buy in my name but I can only borrow enough for a 2 bed flat - which is okay but I want a family ! So I am not sure how we will cope like this for the next 7 years until he will sell family home when youngest is 18. Kids come every other weekend .

Okay so Next part -
I find partners children quite rude at times . If
Seems as if the narrative is that whilst dad pays for everything, does all the children’s home work with them , takes them to appointments , treats them to gifts and is so kind .
I often find there comments go along the lines of
“No , your doing it wrong “
“Mum never does that “
“What ? What?”
“Your cooking is rubbish “
“You always get it wrong “
“ shut up “
“ I don’t want that”
He always laughs and then continues to run around to ensure that children have exactly what they want .

Now the children aren’t awful but I have told partner once after a very rude comment from the children - I wouldn’t let our children talk to me like that.

He doesn’t see his children rudeness . I work in education and I believe his children are borderline spoilt and rude and this grates on me and I have to be honest - I don’t look forward to their visits .

Maybe I am being unkind ? But I don’t think so . I had an awful step mother and it was not good . I ensure I am always polite , happy , fun and kind around the kids and I have never told them off ( I’m not saying that is a good thing ...)

The kids are here all week for half term

Today my partner said - I have noticed you have kept yourself busy and I think it is abit harsh as the kids want to see you and I worry they will think you are avoiding them .

I have been avoiding them abit buy going to bed early . However I spend a solid 6/7 hours talking ,laughing, playing even though inside I am desperate to escape . I explained to my partner that I find it quite full on and this is also my holiday . I suppose I don’t want to be entertaining all day each day . I know other half is amazing and does all the cooking and does not expect me to parent but I know he wants me with them all day and playing and laughing but truth is - I find his kids hard work , demanding and it’s exhausting . They never go to bed before midnight . We have a small place so we are all in each other’s space .

He loves his kids and they have a great relationship and that’s amazing - as a teacher I have realised - parents think there own kids are amazing!!!! So maybe he Can’t understand why I don’t !?
I saw him look at me this morning as if to say -
My amazing kids are here and I love them - why don’t you want to see how amazing they are and spend every moment with us ? You are cruel !

I guess I am wondering - is what I am feeling normal ?
I am wanting a child with partner and I know I will adore my child and simply won’t accept such rudeness of “shut up “ , “your so stupid dad”. ,” you get everything wrong you fool”

Maybe I am naive but I can’t abide rude kids .

I do wonder if my frustration at us living In a small property and only me being able to buy due to him not selling family home only fuels my frustration .

On a side note - the children’s mother is rude ! Demanding money etc - maybe this also drives my anger . Ironically , she has a 5 bed detached house all paid for by ex and we are paying extortionate rent for a 2 bed. My partner can’t get a second mortgage so on my salary our only home is to buy a small felt ! Yet she never has any money !!!

Anyway ! Please someone give me some guidance !! Advice ?

There is a small part of me which wants to run way from all of this .

He has already made his family. He has 3 children to parent and provide for and support for the rest of his life.

Maybe you need to cut your losses and look for different partner to make your family with.

So why don’t you separate? It’s not going to get any better, the children will always be there and he will always parent them the way he has always done.

You haven’t been together very long and there are already all of these issues. Find someone who has no children and someone who can have children with you and buy a home. Life is too short.

Some people seem to think that just because they start a relationship they should keep going till the bitter end. Stay as long as you're happy - you're not happy and have no real ties to him, so move on.

Also agree with other comments, why would you try to have a baby with a man who already has 3 kids and in a 2 bed flat. You don’t have the space for your own child if you continue a relationship with this man.

@HollowTalk

Some people seem to think that just because they start a relationship they should keep going till the bitter end. Stay as long as you're happy - you're not happy and have no real ties to him, so move on.

And procreate with them.

Why did you agree to date a bloke with 3 kids allready?! Everyone knows that has a 99% chance of not working out, you should really be finding someone on the same life page as your self for it to work out long term, I'm guessing you've never played step mum before and are now having a first hand experience in the hassle/dramas/problems it causes in a relationship? Trust everyone in here who has said leave and find someone in the same stage of life as your self, if not you will just have to put up with his children and have no say as your not their mum so this will be what you have signed yourself up for the future.

This is one of those times where if you did go ahead and build your life and future around this man you could legitimately be told "you knew what you were getting into." Every single warning sign is there loud and clear. Step parenting is hard at the best of times let alone with a partner who doesn't see you as someone worthy of being respected. You'd be crazy not to walk away.

Why did you agree to date a bloke with 3 kids allready?!

Low bar. A lot of people have an incredibly low bar.

OP , you have already decided how you are going to raise your children. He should have the right to raise his children in a manner with which he is comfortable. It sounds as though he and his children are comfortable within their existing relationship. You no doubt expect to raise your children in the manner of your choosing, he is entitled to the same option.

Rudeness much like beauty can be in the eye of the beholder. You see his children as rude ; he probably experienced them as open and articulate.

Even among teachers there can be varied and wide range of differences in how they perceive a given child or several children.

Your perceptions are your perceptions. He is ,however, not necessarily wrong in his experiencing his children in a way that is different from your perceptions.

His children may experience their dad as open and accepting; they may experience you as guarded and judgemental.

It may be that you would be happier and less dissatisfied living apart from your partner. If you have widely differing parenting styles or expectations , you might want to give serious thought to the compatibility of your parenting styles and expectations.

My own parents had very different parenting styles but similar goals and expectations.

You might be wise to buy a house that you alone can afford should things not work out with this particular partner, and wait to see how you are feeling about this relationship after 2 years or more.

Fwiw I guarantee you that your child will be rude to you.

You work in education but can't add 9 and 7 and also don't know how divorce works?

Your mythical child would absolutely be rude to you, you sound incredibly naive and not someone who should be step parent to 3 children.

Honestly, you think it’s pissing you off now, imagine if you were stupid enough to have kids with him and you’d put up with all this bullshit on a nanosecond of sleep.

He isn’t a good dad.
His kids are rude, their mother is rude and you’re stuck in a small flat for years and having your weekend intruded on every other weekend and have your dp treated like crap every other weekend.

Walk away

You made a mistake moving in so quickly

See him on your own terms if you have to, but it won’t ever change and you’ll never be put first, his rude kids will be, his rude ex will be, and paying for it all.

My oh kids are rude and entitled at times

I’d never accept being spoken to like that and guess what? My son ISNT rude at all.

There is no reason your child would be rude to you.

Ignore anyone here who insists your kids would be rude, that’s probably cos they have rude kids

And what was his response to his children telling you to shut up? Do they speak like that to him, as well? That would be the deal breaker for me...You should take a look at the thread about the the Stepmother's Greeting Cards. That will give you an idea of what you're letting yourself in for.

You see his children as rude ; he probably experienced them as open and articulate.

Is this in response to OP’s quotes of:

“No , your doing it wrong “
“Mum never does that “
“What ? What?”
“Your cooking is rubbish “
“You always get it wrong “
“ shut up “
“ I don’t want that”

?

You resent the EX, you resent the kids, you resent the monies, you resent the house, you resent the time your DP spends with his DCs - seriously why are you in this relationship?

If they sell the house and she can not afford anywhere for 3 DCS are you ready to haev your bigger house and have them live with you most of the time?

Oh dear OP. This sounds like it’s not going to work.

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you and how long are you prepared to wait before starting your own family?

It just will not work to start trying for babies in a 2 bed with 3 step kids. I’m not even sure how it’s working at the moment, with (presumably) the eldest DS in their own room and the DDs sharing.

Where is the room for YOUR child? What if you want 3 kids as well? You might need a 5/6 bed easily. What if his DC fall out with their mum, or god forbid anything happens to her, and they all need to come to you full time?

If you don’t love him enough to sacrifice your plans for him, then please think about leaving. You are in a good position being in a career and almost able to purchase your own 2 bed flat.

Don’t let him drag you down. Sorry if that sounded harsh.

@MzHz

My oh kids are rude and entitled at times

I’d never accept being spoken to like that and guess what? My son ISNT rude at all.

There is no reason your child would be rude to you.

Ignore anyone here who insists your kids would be rude, that’s probably cos they have rude kids

Your child has never been rude? 😂😂😂

Are the children rude to you? Establish and communicate your boundaries. You don’t need to be mean to them, you have more experience than most as you are a teacher.
I’ve always preferred to give SC positive aims and goals for life generally, but on the odd occasion they are rude to me personally I have made clear it’s not acceptable. Also DP if he overhears clamps down.

As for them being rude to him, he’s not Daddy Pig and it isn’t funny. Maybe make some jokes or think of ways to handle this behaviour without being confrontational.

Most children will be rude at times. The problem here is that instead of being a parent and teaching how children how to behave, your partner just laughs.

They will only become ruder OP.

If you didn't want kids or your own and were determined to be with him and could detach, it might work.

As you want kids though, I don't think it will work.

Imagine one set of rules for his kids and one for your joint kids. It will be an absolute nightmare. Read some threads on here and you'll get an idea!

He’s showing you how things will be for the next decade. He is fine with them all staying up til midnight, being rude to you and getting whatever they want. He is not fine with your choices which he sees as secondary to what he expects you to do with/for his children.

Does he cook and clean for them or leave it to you? Does he contribute financially? Is he divorced with settled finances or happy to rent on his own until his children are grown up? Important to know his plans here as he has just defaulted to your place.

But mostly I read your post and thought ‘Oh, just run!’.

He’s already ticking so many of the boxes of the worst traits raised on here by fed-up step mums. 😟

WTF would you choose to have children with a man who already has three children with someone else? Are you so very desperate?

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority No, never told to shut up, never insulted me

Sure he gets teenagery and cross, doesn’t like my decisions sometimes but he’s never rude

It’s hardly unheard of. Lots of kids are good kids.

Your teen has never been rude? That’s what you’re saying and genuinely believe?

This relationship is NOT for you.
You will always be frustrated about something or other to do with his existing family.

You'll end up resenting him (well, you already do!) and them, and he'll end up resenting you for coming between him and his kids and piling on the pressure.

Save yourself a whole lot of heartache and walk away, find someone simpler. You'll be much happier. So will he.