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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling with step kids .Please help

72 replies

Ohhhhhsquishy · 17/02/2021 15:26

I have been with my partner 18 months .
We moved in after a year . His children girl 11 ,
Girl 9 and son 17 come and stay with us every other weekend . I have no children of my own .

Frustration 1

He has left the children in the family home - meaning they have a huge house and he can’t take out a second home and is stuck renting with me. I am now looking to buy in my name but I can only borrow enough for a 2 bed flat - which is okay but I want a family ! So I am not sure how we will cope like this for the next 7 years until he will sell family home when youngest is 18. Kids come every other weekend .

Okay so Next part -
I find partners children quite rude at times . If
Seems as if the narrative is that whilst dad pays for everything, does all the children’s home work with them , takes them to appointments , treats them to gifts and is so kind .
I often find there comments go along the lines of
“No , your doing it wrong “
“Mum never does that “
“What ? What?”
“Your cooking is rubbish “
“You always get it wrong “
“ shut up “
“ I don’t want that”
He always laughs and then continues to run around to ensure that children have exactly what they want .

Now the children aren’t awful but I have told partner once after a very rude comment from the children - I wouldn’t let our children talk to me like that.

He doesn’t see his children rudeness . I work in education and I believe his children are borderline spoilt and rude and this grates on me and I have to be honest - I don’t look forward to their visits .

Maybe I am being unkind ? But I don’t think so . I had an awful step mother and it was not good . I ensure I am always polite , happy , fun and kind around the kids and I have never told them off ( I’m not saying that is a good thing ...)

The kids are here all week for half term

Today my partner said - I have noticed you have kept yourself busy and I think it is abit harsh as the kids want to see you and I worry they will think you are avoiding them .

I have been avoiding them abit buy going to bed early . However I spend a solid 6/7 hours talking ,laughing, playing even though inside I am desperate to escape . I explained to my partner that I find it quite full on and this is also my holiday . I suppose I don’t want to be entertaining all day each day . I know other half is amazing and does all the cooking and does not expect me to parent but I know he wants me with them all day and playing and laughing but truth is - I find his kids hard work , demanding and it’s exhausting . They never go to bed before midnight . We have a small place so we are all in each other’s space .

He loves his kids and they have a great relationship and that’s amazing - as a teacher I have realised - parents think there own kids are amazing!!!! So maybe he Can’t understand why I don’t !?
I saw him look at me this morning as if to say -
My amazing kids are here and I love them - why don’t you want to see how amazing they are and spend every moment with us ? You are cruel !

I guess I am wondering - is what I am feeling normal ?
I am wanting a child with partner and I know I will adore my child and simply won’t accept such rudeness of “shut up “ , “your so stupid dad”. ,” you get everything wrong you fool”

Maybe I am naive but I can’t abide rude kids .

I do wonder if my frustration at us living In a small property and only me being able to buy due to him not selling family home only fuels my frustration .

On a side note - the children’s mother is rude ! Demanding money etc - maybe this also drives my anger . Ironically , she has a 5 bed detached house all paid for by ex and we are paying extortionate rent for a 2 bed. My partner can’t get a second mortgage so on my salary our only home is to buy a small felt ! Yet she never has any money !!!

Anyway ! Please someone give me some guidance !! Advice ?

There is a small part of me which wants to run way from all of this .

OP posts:
Thomasina2021 · 17/02/2021 15:30

Hmmmmm it sounds like the issue is your partner not fully committing to you and eve life you desire

Does he want to have children with you?

Muskox · 17/02/2021 15:35

I think that what you are feeling is normal, yes. He adores his kids because they're his kids (which is lovely), but it's normal that you don't feel that way. Especially as they are rude to you and he doesn't tell them off for it!

You do need to think seriously about whether to continue this relationship. The things you are finding frustrating are unlikely to change much for the next few years. Is he really worth it?

Lise756 · 17/02/2021 15:35

Have you spoken to your DP about how you feel - beyond the comment about the rude remark?
It sounds like you feel like you're struggling to meet his expectations. Clearly it's not realistic to expect you to feel the same way about his DC as he does, and it sounds like you're trying your best in a confined space with DC who are pretty rude and ungrateful.
How do you think he's likely to react if you discuss this with him? You say you want your own DC but it sounds like the financial onus will be on you? If you don't think your DP will instigate changes needed to be able to contribute financially and to address DSC's behaviour - is this the environment you want for yourself and your future DC?

Dearymesheila · 17/02/2021 15:35

Why are you planning on having baby with a man who’s kids you don’t like? His kids are not going anywhere.

You are totally following in your step mothers footprints and It’s unfair on the kids your doing this.

What a ridiculous situation your creating!

AIMD · 17/02/2021 15:36

I think there’s a few issues to unpick.

Your frustration about the house, whilst understandable, is a problem. He bought the house presumably as a family home and his children still live there. The fact you live in a 2 bed in neither here nor there. What other option is there?! Turf the kids out there home?

I wouldn’t be too certain about what you will or won’t allow your children to do either. Many people have very set ideas about what they’ll be like as a parent before they have kids. I also work with children and working with children and being a parent are 2 very different relationships.

If I were you I wouldn’t be talking about having children with him or buying a home anyway until this situation is resolved in some way. You both clearly have different ideas about what role you should have with his children. It sounds like your doing enough to me but clearly he is expecting more, which is a little unreasonable give you have only been together a short while.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2021 15:40

I expect that small part will quickly grow so I’d walk away.

You keep saying you want a baby with him, but does he want one with you? And why would you want to father your child when you don’t think he’s a very good parent? You think he’s brought them up to be rude, disrespectful, spoilt, entitled and ungrateful. Whether or not he has is irrelevant, it’s what you think. Why would you want to have a child with someone whose parenting you can’t respect? He’d be the same with a joint child and you’d be on completely different pages.

His children have come for half term to see him. It’s his job to entertain them, not yours. I’d be very pissed off if my husband begrudged me an early night or some time to myself on my own holiday because I wasn’t admiring his kids 24/7.

It’s not amazing to cook and clean for your children, take them to appointments or supervise homework. Those are the basics. Mums never get credit for basic parenting do they...?

How will you accommodate 5 of you in a two bed place you’ll be buying by yourself, never mind an additional baby?

I’d walk. Now. You don’t need this level of complication in your life. You haven’t been together long, 6 months in they’re all pissing you off. Find someone who doesn’t have 3 kids and a tricky ex.

Hammonds · 17/02/2021 15:53

Leave now. Resentment is setting in. Unpleasant for every one.

NewScone · 17/02/2021 16:03

I'm not sure you are compatible with your parenting styles so having a child with him is probably not the best idea.

NewScone · 17/02/2021 16:05

It be hard to raise a child not to be rude to their dad if the other children are allowed to.

Ilovethewild · 17/02/2021 16:10

Op, sadly I agree that this is only going to get worse. Have you considered a relationship with him where you live separately? But come together at times?

Being a SP is always hard and is unlikely to improve, he parents different to you and the kids are young enough that you have teenage years to come. Get out, save your sanity. Get your own place and allow him and his kids their space.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 17/02/2021 16:11

You need to walk away. It’s madness to plan to live with people you already know you don’t like.

Also it will be 9 years until his youngest is 18, not 7 years.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2021 16:11

You know, when you decide to live with someone, that's a huge decision. If that person has children already, then that decision becomes a hundred times bigger. If that person is broke, it becomes even bigger. If that person has a nasty piece of work for an ex, then it's bigger still.

I couldn't do it. I could if the children were lovely, the money side was OK and the ex was a normal reasonable person, but I couldn't otherwise.

Your life could be completely different, you know. You could be with someone just as nice who actually wouldn't be a Disney dad, who'd earn the same as you and wouldn't have horrible exes interfering in your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 16:11

There is a small part of me which wants to run way from all of this

I say the biggest part of you should want to run away from this mess. You will have years and years and years of this disaster to contend with, with a partner who is not a good teammate. Everything you've written screams that you do not want a life with stepchildren, and that's perfectly ok. It's OK to admit this lifestyle isn't working for you. Don't bring another child into this.

rawalpindithelabrador · 17/02/2021 16:21

Another one of these! Do not have a kid with this guy. He's already got 3 of them. FGS, of all the men in the world you think the only one you can get is a guy with more baggage than Pickford's? Why? Why is your bar so low a flea could limbo under it? He's amazing because he does the basics of parenting? So what, that's the minimum he's supposed to do.

I know other half is amazing and does all the cooking and does not expect me to parent but I know he wants me with them all day and playing and laughing but truth is - I find his kids hard work , demanding and it’s exhausting . They never go to bed before midnight . We have a small place so we are all in each other’s space .

He does expect you to parent, he wants you there as a side parent.

Why on Earth do you want to bring an innocent child into this shitstorm?

His whole situation won't change at all and he doesn't want it to.

9 times out of 10 there's a brilliant reason why these men with kids are single.

You've got no ties, you're free, walk away.

Why sign up for a prison sentence like this and bring another kid into it.

How's he going to support yet another child?

Raise your bar.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/02/2021 16:21

Wait, his kids don't go to bed til midnight? And he expects you to be there entertaining them every minute they're up? I don't think so. That's not your job.

It also sounds like he has expectations on you to provide accommodation for them all plus any additional children you have together. I would not be having kids with this man. In fact I would live separately from him and then his kids are his problem and not yours. You sound like you're not ready to have stepkids to be honest and I'm not blaming you at all for that.

The reality is his kids are not going anywhere, it doesn't sound like he parents them properly and the kind of dad who expects the red carpet to be rolled out every week for his offspring.

Littlepaws18 · 17/02/2021 16:25

Blended families are really difficult to get right. The house although a huge frustration it's part and parcel of dating a man with responsibility. It's something you will have to learn to let go or leave.

As for the kids- you are a teacher you know the drill! If my stepchildren are rude to me I will call them out on it. It's behaviour directed at me so I will deal with it. That doesn't mean you are the evil step mother it means you are setting clear boundaries from day one.

Being a step family had massive compromises but if you really want it to work it can be amazing.

Ragwort · 17/02/2021 16:26

As rawal says .... just leave now, why have children with a man who's already got three children? Does he really want another child or is he just agreeing to please you?

Read the many, many threads on here about step parenting.

rawalpindithelabrador · 17/02/2021 16:28

He wants you to be a second mum to them but without the mum part of disciplining them and enabling his Disney Dad machinations. Never understood what was so attractive about these broke guys with kids.

Shinesun14 · 17/02/2021 16:30

Don't do it, get out! I bet you don't listen though...

Honestly they're already grating on you, his values dont match yours and it shows in his parenting. Do yourself the biggest favour and find someone who hasn't got dad guilt.

Imagine a lovely peaceful, fun and adventurous life with no ex wife and rude dc. Where you're an equal partner and you don't have to make so many sacrifices for dc that aren't yours. Don't idealise this scenario because of good sex or whatevs, not having your needs met will make you miserable and depressed long term.

rawalpindithelabrador · 17/02/2021 16:34

Don't do it, get out! I bet you don't listen though...

No, they never do. Masochistic martyr complex. Then come back on and post for years about the clusterfuck their life is now they've brought another kid into it with their lazy partner who's more interested in playing Disney Dad to his first set of kids and now stuck with him and his kids in their lives forever.

Dearymesheila · 17/02/2021 16:35

@rawalpindithelabrador

Don't do it, get out! I bet you don't listen though...

No, they never do. Masochistic martyr complex. Then come back on and post for years about the clusterfuck their life is now they've brought another kid into it with their lazy partner who's more interested in playing Disney Dad to his first set of kids and now stuck with him and his kids in their lives forever.

Yup
chillibeansauce · 17/02/2021 16:39

100% what @Shinesun14 says. Im divorcing my ex due to very similar reasons as yours OP. It won't change, cut your losses OP and find someone to start a family with without the baggage.

user1493494961 · 17/02/2021 16:41

I hope you're not a teacher.

aSofaNearYou · 17/02/2021 16:43

Today my partner said - I have noticed you have kept yourself busy and I think it is abit harsh as the kids want to see you and I worry they will think you are avoiding them.

This is a huge red flag. Guilt trips over not being constantly available and feeling the way a parent does are manipulative and usually get worse.

You're not wrong or unreasonable in anything you're saying. You're just honestly listing all the reasons he's not a very attractive dating partner.

Brieminewine · 17/02/2021 16:44

I don’t think you’re compatible, you would be much better with someone who hasn’t got children who wants the same things you do, to buy a home together and have a family.

I couldn’t date a man with children for the same reasons you’re struggling with. It’s not going to work out, dump him and move on.