Struggling with step kids .Please help

[Ohhhhhsquishy]

I have been with my partner 18 months .
We moved in after a year . His children girl 11 ,
Girl 9 and son 17 come and stay with us every other weekend . I have no children of my own .

Frustration 1

He has left the children in the family home - meaning they have a huge house and he can’t take out a second home and is stuck renting with me. I am now looking to buy in my name but I can only borrow enough for a 2 bed flat - which is okay but I want a family ! So I am not sure how we will cope like this for the next 7 years until he will sell family home when youngest is 18. Kids come every other weekend .

Okay so Next part -
I find partners children quite rude at times . If
Seems as if the narrative is that whilst dad pays for everything, does all the children’s home work with them , takes them to appointments , treats them to gifts and is so kind .
I often find there comments go along the lines of
“No , your doing it wrong “
“Mum never does that “
“What ? What?”
“Your cooking is rubbish “
“You always get it wrong “
“ shut up “
“ I don’t want that”
He always laughs and then continues to run around to ensure that children have exactly what they want .

Now the children aren’t awful but I have told partner once after a very rude comment from the children - I wouldn’t let our children talk to me like that.

He doesn’t see his children rudeness . I work in education and I believe his children are borderline spoilt and rude and this grates on me and I have to be honest - I don’t look forward to their visits .

Maybe I am being unkind ? But I don’t think so . I had an awful step mother and it was not good . I ensure I am always polite , happy , fun and kind around the kids and I have never told them off ( I’m not saying that is a good thing ...)

The kids are here all week for half term

Today my partner said - I have noticed you have kept yourself busy and I think it is abit harsh as the kids want to see you and I worry they will think you are avoiding them .

I have been avoiding them abit buy going to bed early . However I spend a solid 6/7 hours talking ,laughing, playing even though inside I am desperate to escape . I explained to my partner that I find it quite full on and this is also my holiday . I suppose I don’t want to be entertaining all day each day . I know other half is amazing and does all the cooking and does not expect me to parent but I know he wants me with them all day and playing and laughing but truth is - I find his kids hard work , demanding and it’s exhausting . They never go to bed before midnight . We have a small place so we are all in each other’s space .

He loves his kids and they have a great relationship and that’s amazing - as a teacher I have realised - parents think there own kids are amazing!!!! So maybe he Can’t understand why I don’t !?
I saw him look at me this morning as if to say -
My amazing kids are here and I love them - why don’t you want to see how amazing they are and spend every moment with us ? You are cruel !

I guess I am wondering - is what I am feeling normal ?
I am wanting a child with partner and I know I will adore my child and simply won’t accept such rudeness of “shut up “ , “your so stupid dad”. ,” you get everything wrong you fool”

Maybe I am naive but I can’t abide rude kids .

I do wonder if my frustration at us living In a small property and only me being able to buy due to him not selling family home only fuels my frustration .

On a side note - the children’s mother is rude ! Demanding money etc - maybe this also drives my anger . Ironically , she has a 5 bed detached house all paid for by ex and we are paying extortionate rent for a 2 bed. My partner can’t get a second mortgage so on my salary our only home is to buy a small felt ! Yet she never has any money !!!

Anyway ! Please someone give me some guidance !! Advice ?

There is a small part of me which wants to run way from all of this .

Why would you need to be 'playing & laughing' all day with your boyfriend's children when they are aged 9-17? (One of them is 17?!).

The younger two might need to rub along politely with you, when they are with their dad & you're around, but they're his children. Facilitating their relationship with his girlfriend - you - is on him.

Do not get so much as a shared goldfish with this one. You'll only end up getting drawn into arguments down the line over custody of Jaws & whether the next girlfriend is cleaning his gravel enough.

Seriously, he needs to sort out his relationship with his kids, & he's nowhere near ready to involve a 3rd party. Plus, it'll be an ongoing financial nightmare which you already feel resentful about. That is not going to improve.

Be careful about what you 'will not accept' when you are a parent.

You don't know what goes on at the mothers house. You seem to be insinuating that she has it all and you are second pickings.

The dad can't be doing that much if the kids are with their mum 10+ days out of a fortnight (1 long every other weekend)

You need to get on board or leave you won't get perfect step kids and a lovely 4/5 bed house and a baby with this guy

Kids ARE hard. I love mine and she's well behaved and lovely but I want to escape ALL the time! Still love her though and want to be here

You have rose tinted glasses view of family life

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

Your teen has never been rude? That’s what you’re saying and genuinely believe?

It’s honestly true.

He’s never once been rude to me or to anyone - I’ve never been rude to him either

He gets told off, sure, but with respect and appropriately

He’ll argue a point, debate it etc, but never call names or insult.

That’s not how we speak to each other.

Tbh tho, he and I have been through a lot together and know what horrible people can do.

Wow. That’s quite hard to believe tbh.

Not all teenagers are rude. I wasn't. My mum wouldn't tolerate rudeness.

I wouldn't describe my own DC as rude either. When they were younger...primary school age one imparticular had a phase of being naughty and cheeky, but not really as a teenager.

They certainly wouldn't call me or DH a fool, as the OP described.

OP... it would be utter madness to have a child with him based on everything you've said.

A man with 3 kids has too much of his money committed to supporting them. Far better to build a future with someone who doesn't come with so much baggage, which will impact you, any kids you have, your relationship, your home/house and your lifestyle in general.

None of the issues you've raised will change for a number of years. A lot of people think once a child is 18, that's it and you can turf them out and you're done. That's really not the case.

I wouldn't describe my own DC as rude either. When they were younger...primary school age one imparticular had a phase of being naughty and cheeky, but not really as a teenager.

This is my point. They are all a bit naughty or rude at some point. Yours was in primary. They all have their moments. It doesn’t make them rude children. It makes them children. Like every other child. It’s incredibly naive of OP to think her child would never be rude.

My advice would be to run! Don’t bring another child into this...it will be a nightmare.

I too was a teacher for decades. And yes, it's very different parenting to teaching. It doesn't sound like the children are rude to you, but to him and that's his issue. Probably compounded by a fear they'll not come to visit if he's too stern. I don't have teen children, though do have teen nieces and nephews, and some of what they say is perfectly normal. You perceive it as rude, eg mum does xyz, but that's their life. Are they never allowed to mention this? It would have happened if they were not separated, so why can't they voice this now?
A couple of points. You knew his financial situation before you moved in. And now you complain? Either embrace and accept or leave. That's the only choices you have. It isn't going to be a 5 bed detached for you for the foreseeable, if ever, with him. So how important is this?
As for a child, have you actually discussed this? With a 9,11 and 17yo, I'm not so sure he's going to be queuing up for little yous too. And let's be honest, you already dislike the role of SM, which sadly if you're doing it right is 247 when they visit and you resent this. You want the single teacher freedom of thank fuck its half term, chill and relax, the family partner but in effect not his family. And that's probably not all compatible.
My advice. End it. For everyone. Find someone without the children. Unless of course you're older and thought this was the easier way to get a child than if you'd entered a relationship with someone with none? If so I fear you're slightly deluded on that front.

It is not unusual to be in the situation you describe post-divorce with the house. He probably agreed to it. His ex will be paying for it all going forwards, however. She is not wrong to expect maintenance, nor contributions to bigger items, uniforms etc. If you are a teacher, you must be aware of the situation some women are left with post-divorce and the impact this has on children. I can understand your resentment but it’s really not acceptable. You would have preferred him to see his children and ex struggle, perhaps?

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

I wouldn't describe my own DC as rude either. When they were younger...primary school age one imparticular had a phase of being naughty and cheeky, but not really as a teenager.

This is my point. They are all a bit naughty or rude at some point. Yours was in primary. They all have their moments. It doesn’t make them rude children. It makes them children. Like every other child. It’s incredibly naive of OP to think her child would never be rude.

It's a bit pedantic to focus so entirely on the issue of whether any children are ever not rude. The point is that the things these children say are more rude than OP deems average/acceptable. I would be inclined go agree.

The point is that the things these children say are more rude than OP deems average/acceptable

Depends how you read it, doesn't it? The OP has said the following:

“No , your doing it wrong “
“Mum never does that “
“What ? What?”
“Your cooking is rubbish “
“You always get it wrong “
“ shut up “
“ I don’t want that”

First time I read it, I read it without anger and more in a teasing, loving family kind of way and it reads fine. If you read it with anger and annoyance, it's very different.

As a fellow teacher, I would say what you can tolerate in a classroom is very different to what the average parent might tolerate at home. The relationship is very different. Could be that the OP is placing her professional expectations on the children simply because they're not hers so why should she expect any less? That, and the rose tinted 'no way would my children do that we all have prior to becoming parents.

Regardless, I would agree with the majority that there is a lot of frustration here and that isn't great for anyone involved. Cutting losses might be a good idea.

It’s funny that you’re username is very close to mine and I can empathise with a lot of what you have written!

I’m not about to start telling you to leave your partner as I don’t believe that’s helpful and that’s your decision to make. It kind of undermines the sentiments of what you are sharing.

Frustration 1:
I hear you! My DP’ex is living in their former family home, mortgage free - whilst we pay extortionate rent. Exactly the same set up - where it’s until the youngest is 18. I got absolutely naff all from my ex apart from debt (he disappeared off the scene too) my kids are now adults and I brought them up single handedly, it was so bloody difficult ... so the way I see it, I’m happy his kids are well supported as I wish mine had been. I reconcile myself that it’s the right thing for his kids and their future is secure. Even so, we’d both love to get on the property ladder together and I can’t help but feel narked by it occasionally. As is DP.

Rudeness:
I also hear you on this too! I have worked in education. As others have pointed out, what’s acceptable in school is sometimes more tolerable in a home environment. My DP’s kids can display a similar level of rudeness. Do you know what, mine did to me too. The problem is, as a parent you often can’t see it for yourself. It was only when my brother called my DD out for back chatting to me, I realised how oblivious I’d become to their attitude to me (and taking me for granted). I have tried my best to lovingly demonstrate to DP when I feel his kids have been rude/taken him for granted - which he’s accepted and subsequently made changes. It’s something we were able to have an amicable, supportive and open discussion about. Perhaps you could too - timing is everything (wait until the kids aren’t there)!

With regards to keep yourself busy and out of the way, I HAVE to do this. My own kids are adults and I’m way past the energy of younger kids. As much as I knew my partner had kids, he also knew my kids had flown the nest. This is where compromise comes in. He accepts that sometimes I just don’t have the energy, will or desire to interact with his kids. He also knows I won’t feel the same way about them as he does. The biggest milestone was me being able to overcome the guilt of not being involved 100% of the time they’re here. I opt in, when I want. It works for us and I feel better for it. I’ve even started taking extra shifts when they’re here as I prefer to be occupied (I work from home).

My DP has had his kids here for the last three days and I’m counting down the minutes til they go home tonight. I’ve enjoyed some good times with them the last few days, but equally they’re so draining and consuming!

If the relationship is right you should be able to work through this objectively and supportively together. I hope you can, but if not you’ll know you attempted it with the right intentions

First time I read it, I read it without anger and more in a teasing, loving family kind of way and it reads fine. If you read it with anger and annoyance, it's very different.

If they said it as a joke it would be less cutting, but I would still be telling them it was rude. The one time my stepson said shut up, he was sent to his room.

And in any case, it doesn't read as if it's playful teasing and let's be honest it's perfectly possible it isn't.

How old are you ? I think I agree with others who have said move on and find a less complicated life . It's horrible dreading EOW .

I will adore my child and simply won’t accept such rudeness of “shut up “ , “your so stupid dad”. ,” you get everything wrong you fool”

I don't understand how pp are saying this doesn't make them rude. This isn't just them being children... it's unacceptable to speak to your parent like that.

OP...It's quite sad as it sounds like they don't think that much of their dad tbh. Mum does it right, he always gets it wrong from their perspective.

I think some of this comes from the situation where mum's are closer to their DC and usually know them better and do more for them on a practical level.

If I look at my own family (and many of my relatives and friends were the same) I was the one who supported the kids with homework, I knew the foods they liked and disliked, the clothes they liked etc.
Had we divorced when they were young, I imagine they could have felt DH always got everything wrong in relation to those things.

Whilst calling him stupid and a fool is absolutely wrong, I think some of the other comments are probably reflective of the level of his involvement (and paying attention to the kids) when he was with his Ex.

A lot of these things only get highlighted when a couple separate, as prior to that, mum did it all.

Your feeling resentful already! I’d hate to see how you’ll be feeling years down the line. This relationship is not for you.

Thank you so much for the time you spent to write your reply ! It has given me great strength ! Thank you . I wish you well .

To everyone else - thank you !

What are you going to do OP?

It’s so hard when you love someone and trying to part those feeling away because your feelings towards the kids are not the same and rightly so there not yours , you won’t love them the same as your own- trying to find a man who hasn’t got kid now a days who wants kids would be tricky but not impossible!
I think you should think about you - are you happy ? Is this consuming your thoughts your well being etc .. step parenting is not fun at all and coming second to someone else’s kids who he created with someone else is royally crap! Should we have thought about this before hand ? Yes but that’s not reality is it- we get sucked into the honeymoon feeling and before we know it we are in love - but your not stuck you have free will options and sounds to me your in a good position financially etc go be free ,be you ,do you , don’t look back either hold your head up!
If you’ve asked for changes and they haven’t come they never will x
Good luck my love

Oh OP, do yourself a massive favour and leave! You’ll be soooo much better off, financially, emotionally & mentally.

It’ll be tough but you’ll look back in 5 yrs and think “lucky escape”

I think you have to consider your options very carefully- your partner will never be with you 100%. He will have a life long commitment with his family and children. He will be financial poorer as his assets are shared. You will always have to relay in your own money.

He will not change and nor will his children. Most things on that list sound normal.. except shut up (rude). All parents think they’re kids are amazing but in reality they are not - but that is unconditional love.

I understand why you need distances ... I’d explain that to partner you need your own space and time. It’s not a slight on anyone.

I would suggest rethink your expectations of your relationship

Please don’t have a baby with this man. He has no money and he doesn’t want to parent the 3 that he has. He’s already decided you are doing that.

Always worth keeping in mind, anything happens to the mum, or there is a falling out etc. They might end up living with you full time. Are you prepared for that? No. Then walk away.