Small rant.. Sick of extra work

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Before anyone says it, I know it's a dh problem but god its frustrating.
He moans I don't enjoy them being here and I always say I like them, but 3 extr ppl is a lot of extra work and he doesn't see it.
Example arrived friday. Dh was supossed to strip beds n change them. He stripped beds., but didn't wash sheets or put new ones on. I hoovered n did bathroom etc. I cooked food for evryone and then washed up as he didn't the next morning.
Sat morning got up at 6 with our toddler. Made evryone breakfast and washed up again. He got up at half 9. Put wash in (not sheets as I'm leaving them for him) and put out to dry.
Went for a run while he had them all), which was nice). Made lunch. Then watched all kids for 3 hours while he worked. Then took all of them for a walk togter n he then had a 50 min bloody shower. I cooked tea while he did this.
He then went to shop and got me wine and said he was treating me, which I found annoying (possibly unfairly).
I'm annoyed as it will be same tommorrow and for hqlf of next week while I try and work from home. Only difference is my child will be at the childminder as I pay for childcare!!
I work full time, it's busy n stressful and I'm not superwoman. I appreciate their family but a bit of gratitude and appreciation for how much extra work it is or actually sharing the work would help.

Don't strip their beds. They don't sleep in them that often so won't need doing that much. They are also old enough to do it themselves.

They are old enough to make their own breakfast.

They are also old enough to help prepare meals, wash up, and hang up laundry. Just create the environment of it being a team effort. You never know it might shame DH.

They are your step children and not guests at a hotel. They should contribute to the running of the home. My children are the step children at their dads and i would expect them to be helping.

@utterfailureasamum

Don't strip their beds. They don't sleep in them that often so won't need doing that much. They are also old enough to do it themselves.

They are old enough to make their own breakfast.

They are also old enough to help prepare meals, wash up, and hang up laundry. Just create the environment of it being a team effort. You never know it might shame DH.

They are your step children and not guests at a hotel. They should contribute to the running of the home. My children are the step children at their dads and i would expect them to be helping.

Sorry but I think that would be an awful thing to do to step children. Make then strip their own beds and cook dinner? They won't want to go anymore. Very sad way to treat step children

Why is it harsh for a step child but not for resident children? I would expect my child by the time he is 10 or so to help. He at 2.5 helps dust and hoover (although it's largely a disaster)

Very sad way to treat step children

Why? Because step children have an elevated status to mere children?

Don’t burden yourself with things like stripping beds, I’ve noticed a lot on this board that sc’s beds seem to get stripped and washed after every visit and I don’t understand why, mine sleep in theirs once a week, they could be here three months worth before they had slept in it the normal number of nights between changing! It just seems like an extra burden to put in yourself. If your DH really wants them to have fresh bedding every time, he can sort it.

@Iyiyi

Don’t burden yourself with things like stripping beds, I’ve noticed a lot on this board that sc’s beds seem to get stripped and washed after every visit and I don’t understand why, mine sleep in theirs once a week, they could be here three months worth before they had slept in it the normal number of nights between changing! It just seems like an extra burden to put in yourself. If your DH really wants them to have fresh bedding every time, he can sort it.

Yes I always think the same. My SSs bedsheets basically only get changed when there's somebody else sleeping in them.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Why is it harsh for a step child but not for resident children? I would expect my child by the time he is 10 or so to help. He at 2.5 helps dust and hoover (although it's largely a disaster)

Because presumably they spent less time with you than at their own home? Why would they want to come if the first thing they want to do is change their bed and help with housework? Mine wouldn't

They had bits, god knows how in a lcokdown, hence needed doing. They gets done once a month. We have them. Once a week and eow

I'll remember that next time someone says "it's their home too, how dare you treat them differently"

Sorry, that was for @worriedandannoyed

I hate it when I see advice like stop cooking for your SCs, just cook for your own DC? How nasty
Why is the DH not “nasty” for doing fuck all for any off the kids?

Yes it's a bit fraught with so many kids around but come on,OP, you knew these kids existed before you had a baby with your DH, did you really think they would somehow disappear?
Possibly the OP wasn’t expecting the DH to “disappear” every time his kids are around and anything looking like work needed doing.
“Knowing the kids exist” does not equate to “agreeing to take on all the work their dad should be doing looking after and parenting them”
Fuck sake

*aSofaNearYou

I'll remember that next time someone says "it's their home too, how dare you treat them differently"*

I thought exactly the same thing. Either the DSC are honoured guests or it’s their home too and they get stuck in like everyone else. The hybrid status does nobody any favours.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

13, 10 and 9 plus our 2 year old

The only one you need to watch is your 2 yr old unless the others have SEN (although I get that it’s a PITA).

As others have said it is a DH problem, but to be honest with you, I assume, you got with him knowing he had 3 kids. It was never going to be easy.

Sorry but I think that would be an awful thing to do to step children. Make then strip their own beds and cook dinner? They won't want to go anymore. Very sad way to treat step children

There is nothing wrong with teaching a 9, 10 or 13 year old to cook and then to sometimes cook that meal. The last family meals in our house were cooked by 11yr old and 13yr old and were lovely. Get the children involved, ask them which of the meals they enjoy the most and get them to plan and cook them. OK the first time they need very close supervision (dh will have to have the toddler), the next time a little less supervision, praise them for all their efforts, soon they will be cooking better than their father. Each weekend one of them cooks a meal, on an EOW basis that is once every six weeks. In holidays they each learn a new meal. They also develop life skills. Nothing wrong with teaching children life skills and getting them to practice.

@CautiousBlonde

Some of the step parents on here seem utterly vile to me.

Just my opinion.

And yes, I have been a step parent.

Some of the DH’s and SC sound vile too. Maybe those SM are a product of their environment.

Don't only fix lunch/ tea for you and your toddler, that's a horrible thing to do to any child.

But more reasonable would be to say that you are doing lunch DH sorts out dinner.

Get the kids to strip the beds when they are leaving and at that age they could/should be doing dishwasher etc.

Given that you and the kids hate DHs food, i think its fair that you do the cooking and he sort out the rest of the chores. In reality he is probably not doing that much with your own DC on a day to day basis but you notice it more with 3 additional kids in the house.

Sorry I'd be off. I wouldn't be a unpaid childminder for someone elses three children. He is a lazy shit who expects you to look after his kids because you are a woman.
No way would I be able to live with that.
Why did he have 4 kids if he can't look after them?
If his kids stay over then he needs to do everything for them and I mean everything. Stop being a mug.

I wouldn't choose to be with a man with three kids at all because I know and always have known that I don't want to look after other peoples children. I'd rather be single.

Either the DSC are honoured guests or it’s their home too and they get stuck in like everyone else. The hybrid status does nobody any favours.

This, in bucketloads, I wish someone had pointed this out to me 20 years ago.

The 'bed stripping' bit makes it seem like they are visiting guests rather than part of your family. Surely these don't need stripping every time they are with you?
Yes, to the kids helping out. They are old enough. Routine and expectation agreed as a family would be perfect. You, DH and kids sit and work out together the weekend routines. It might have an added benefit of making the kids feel like part of the family rather than visitors.

@aSofaNearYou

I'll remember that next time someone says "it's their home too, how dare you treat them differently"

They stay every other weekend and once during the week. 3 nights a fortnight. If they're made to change their beds every time, cook dinner and loads the dishwasher etc they will end up feeling like unpaid help. Or that they're an inconvenience. Poor children

I agree that they don’t need to change their beds after 3 sleeps but seriously, “poor children” and “unpaid help” that has to be wind up!

I load the dishwasher when I go to my parents for dinner (in pre corona days) it’s a gesture after they’ve cooked a meal. I’ve never considered I might be THE Cinderella.

Hahaha it went better as I did lay down the law. Kids hoovered rooms. Toddler helped (god helps us) and while I did cook I refused to tidy after as it wasn't my job. And I got 3 hours of study and completed two assignments due end Feb, while he was left with the 4 of them. Feeling much less stressed even though work is insane.