Small rant.. Sick of extra work

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Before anyone says it, I know it's a dh problem but god its frustrating.
He moans I don't enjoy them being here and I always say I like them, but 3 extr ppl is a lot of extra work and he doesn't see it.
Example arrived friday. Dh was supossed to strip beds n change them. He stripped beds., but didn't wash sheets or put new ones on. I hoovered n did bathroom etc. I cooked food for evryone and then washed up as he didn't the next morning.
Sat morning got up at 6 with our toddler. Made evryone breakfast and washed up again. He got up at half 9. Put wash in (not sheets as I'm leaving them for him) and put out to dry.
Went for a run while he had them all), which was nice). Made lunch. Then watched all kids for 3 hours while he worked. Then took all of them for a walk togter n he then had a 50 min bloody shower. I cooked tea while he did this.
He then went to shop and got me wine and said he was treating me, which I found annoying (possibly unfairly).
I'm annoyed as it will be same tommorrow and for hqlf of next week while I try and work from home. Only difference is my child will be at the childminder as I pay for childcare!!
I work full time, it's busy n stressful and I'm not superwoman. I appreciate their family but a bit of gratitude and appreciation for how much extra work it is or actually sharing the work would help.

That sounds fair enough. And I agree with you about screen time! It's lazy parenting to be on screens all the time, especially if you only see the dc every other weekend.

Skivvy to Mr Lazy-Parent's kids to make up for his can't be arsed attitude or if you leave him you have to hand over your child to his rubbish parenting when it's his contact.

Don't envy you, OP.

Definitely plan some course work time into the weekend! I'm studying a masters and I have a set amount of time at the weekends when he takes everyone and keeps them out my way while I do some work!
My SC are also addicted to screens and it bugs me, but both parents agree it isn't an issue, i hate it but as their parents that's their call. I won't allow mine so much screen time. I'd much rather plan outdoor activities and things to do when mine are older. My husband likes to play the computer with them so think that's why he allows so much, aslong as the things he needs to do are done I leave them to it!
Pick your battles.. them being on screens doesn't need to stop you doing things with your own children, invite everyone and if they don't want to go then do it with yours, you've included them, they chose to opt out.

@poppybuns

Advice like don't cook for his kids always comes out on threads like this and it's awful. It isn't the kids fault their dad isn't pulling his weight. If you cook a lovely dinner and don't bother with them they aren't going to think oh my dads useless so this is all his fault.. they're going to blame to SM and cause issues there, why solve one problem just to create another that's worse.

I have 3 SC and 2 of my own and weekends with them are stressful and an overwhelming cycle of cooking and cleaning so I know exactly how you feel! You need to tell your husband that he needs to step up. Create a rota, decide who's doing what before hand and he needs to stick to it. After many years of nagging my husband finally realises the weekends are far easier and less stressful when it's planned out.. it's just too chaotic with so many people. I actually don't mind doing the cooking and cleaning, he does the child supervising (mine are 2&6m) and the shopping/taxiing. I find it easier to relax the rules at the weekend but then have a big, whole family clean up on Sunday. No reason why the kids can't chip in and help with some chores. My 2yr old is far better at helping around the house than his teenagers but the more we practice, the better they get.. or realise that if they just do what I ask then the whole thing gets done quicker and they can do as they please.
My husband was a Disney dad who never wanted to be horrible to his kids at the weekend.. took me a while to persuade him that asking them to help out isn't being horrible, just teaching them life skills!!

It comes up for a reason. I notice you've said that it took years - I would not be willing to put up with being taken advantage of like this for years. It couldn't possibly take him years to figure out he needs to cook and clean and be around to care for his kids, if nobody else is doing those things. If it did, it would be clear neglect. He would have to step up before any harm befell the kids, and if he didn't then OP would of course need to be thinking about leaving, because he would be engaging in neglect.

For as long as you continue to do those things for them, you just drag out the process of him stepping up to potentially years, if he ever does.

Just on the point of cooking. I think anyone who is already cooking and is of the mindset they'll only cook for yourself and your child, then there's no point in living together.

When your toddler wakes early tomorrow, tell him to get out of bed and sort breakfast etc.

Yes, him sleeping late on a weekend when his children are there and leaving you to look after four children is not on.

At those ages I would encourage the children (other than toddler) to start preparing a meal each. The 9 and 10yr old will need help initially but in a year or two should be able to cook simple family meals.

I don’t think anyone is saying OP should cook a lovely dinner for everyone except the SCs. More like why doesn’t their father ever cook a lovely dinner (or lunch or breakfast) for everyone at weekends when they are a family of six instead of three. It’s a lot of work and he’s ditching it completely, along with pretty much everything else.

@SandyY2K

Just on the point of cooking. I think anyone who is already cooking and is of the mindset they'll only cook for yourself and your child, then there's no point in living together.

Works for me. But DSC is only here one day a week and won’t eat what i cook anyway.

@MeridianB Exactly.

@MeridianB

I don’t think anyone is saying OP should cook a lovely dinner for everyone except the SCs. More like why doesn’t their father ever cook a lovely dinner (or lunch or breakfast) for everyone at weekends when they are a family of six instead of three. It’s a lot of work and he’s ditching it completely, along with pretty much everything else.

Well yes exactly, but my point is I might reheat a portion of yesterday’s meal for my toddler or stick a jacket potato in rather than cook for everyone.

I'm up with the toddler. He is taking them out for a few hours so I can study and I said it was non negotiable and I'm taking toddler to park later this morning just us two.
I'm avoiding the washing up this morning despite fact it's in the way

Sounds good, OP.

Also, a really important part of his contact weekends is the time he spends just with them. And 1:1 with each of them where possible. He won’t be able to do that if he’s in bed, having 50 min showers or working, while they are on screens. So taking them out is good all round.

Hope the rest of your weekend is lovely.

Another useless bloke who can’t cook or parent...

I had, leaving it for days and days until there are no clean plates etc and he's forced to. Same for clothes etc, I won't see them go dirty etc as it's not their fault.

I dislike the screen time a lot and have laid down the law that it. Won't be happening with my son already. I think being off screens for half a day Sat n Sunday is more than reasonable to do board games or go park/walk/bikes/stake board or read.

I think there is an incompatibilty there even without the DC's. He is a slob and you are organised, so what usually happens is you end up doing everything to your standards because you dont agree with his.

He has to parent his own DC's, if he's in bed tell him to get up the DC's need breakfast, dont change their beds, let them eat pasta and pizza and play on screens. Not saying it will be easy because it will irritate you but unless he starts getting out of bed, sharing the cooking, cleaning and going for walks and interacting you will resent him more.

So, yes it is a DH problem, the DC's just magnify it.

I'm not saying I agree with his standards!

I don't get why posters are telling you that your situation is so awful. Nothing that you have described makes me think that. I hate it when I see advice like stop cooking for your SCs, just cook for your own DC? How nasty.

Yes it's a bit fraught with so many kids around but come on,OP, you knew these kids existed before you had a baby with your DH, did you really think they would somehow disappear?

Just tell your DH what needs doing. Tell him to make the beds. Tell him to take the kids out all together whilst you get cleaned up or get your work done. Get your DC involved in activities with his siblings. Try and be positive rather than seething because of having to change the beds or whatever. You can't spend the rest of your marriage resenting your own DC's siblings.

He isn't 100% useless. He wnats to see the kids, he spends money on them and helps their mom. He pays his maintenance nad extras like uniform, phone for oldest, bus pass etc. Sadly on here and in the real work there are much much worse dad's out there.
It's just the everyday stuff he doesn't seem to appreciate how much work it is for the person whose job it isn't aka me.

You can't spend the rest of your marriage resenting your own DC's siblings

You must be reading a different thread to me. I haven’t seen OP state or imply this. She has said DH is the problem.

How helpful... Because knowing he ahd kids is like saying to a new mother you knew what you were getting into. Well you didn't really did you, hence why people struggle. Please refer to the stepmother greeting cards thread!!!

Thanks meridanb, it isn't the kids fault at all. They are very nice children by annoyones standards

All of those things are just money though, not effort. However, he puts no effort in even when his DC's are not there, that's the problem, he is the one creating the extra work.

Bizarily he does more housework when they are not here... Which is just wierd! Still not 50:50 but better