(Physically etc.) abusive exW - tell the truth or..?

[Bonheurdupasse]

Hi,

My DP left his exW 4 years ago after 15 years or so of constant abuse...being punched in the face a few times a month, as well as screamed at (lots of vile abuse said to him as well), plates thrown at his head etc..
This actually still happened, last time last year when she found out about me...(met him two years after they broke up). (Yes this time he went to the police, but she only got a caution.)

Problem is DSS15 was witness to much crying by her after DP left and is now starting to ask about the circumstances of that. It’s clear that he’s starting to think leaving was his dad’s fault.

Should DP tell him the truth? The whole family on both sides now know but it’s been completely swiped under the carpet as exW has been playing the victim/deserted woman.
DP has her admission to both the regular abuse and the instance in 2020, “on tape” and in email.
Not sure what to do...DSS likely getting more anti-Dad on behalf of his mother as time passes..

@RandomMess

Your DP should ask DSS what he really thinks went on. Not what he's been told by Mum but what he thinks.

His Dad then can explain there were a number of incidents where x y z happened and it no one should stay with someone physically violent.

I think this is a great approach, so it’s a conversation and not a bombshell. I suspect his son will know/understand more than your DH realises.

It also opens up a healthy line of communication between them and could help DSS avoid being in the same position himself with his mother or anyone else later in his own relationships.

I’d also get advice from one of the specialist support groups for men who have experienced domestic violence. And no, don’t speak to the mother about it.

I’m really sad to hear of the reactions your DH had from his own mother and his friend. I supported a friend though his own experiences of this and it was absolutely tragic. The idea that anyone would minimise such abuse because it’s a woman hitting a man is appalling - and decades out of date.

In a fair world your DH would have full custody and his ex would be behind bars.