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Original poster

(Physically etc.) abusive exW - tell the truth or..?

51 replies

Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 14:32

Hi,

My DP left his exW 4 years ago after 15 years or so of constant abuse...being punched in the face a few times a month, as well as screamed at (lots of vile abuse said to him as well), plates thrown at his head etc..
This actually still happened, last time last year when she found out about me...(met him two years after they broke up). (Yes this time he went to the police, but she only got a caution.)

Problem is DSS15 was witness to much crying by her after DP left and is now starting to ask about the circumstances of that. It’s clear that he’s starting to think leaving was his dad’s fault.

Should DP tell him the truth? The whole family on both sides now know but it’s been completely swiped under the carpet as exW has been playing the victim/deserted woman.
DP has her admission to both the regular abuse and the instance in 2020, “on tape” and in email.
Not sure what to do...DSS likely getting more anti-Dad on behalf of his mother as time passes..

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 08/02/2021 15:13

I think at 15 he is old enough to know.
I would tell him the truth.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 15:40

Thank you Aimee!
Just don’t know what his reaction would be...!

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 08/02/2021 16:05

You should discuss this with BM first. It’s only fair and right as she will be blindsided when he asks questions, which he will. My SD thought I had broken up her parents marriage or at least stopped them getting back together. We didn’t realise this for years! But BM knew and let her carry on believing. It was quite confusing for her at 15! When finally BM confessed to having an affair, twice! I thought I would feel vindicated or something but I didn’t, I just felt really sorry for my SD. I was the villain for so long in her eyes. She loves her BM but now at 19 she sees her faults and it doesn’t feel good to have been lied to for so long.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 16:34

Hi Witchymclovely, I’m afraid that would only result in more abuse from ExW..
She is actively encouraging DSS to think badly of his dad, she would explode if she thought the truth were to come out.
She’s still been as abusive as she can, verbally nowadays only (thank god), she sends DP vitriolic texts and emails so not a lot of reasonable communication possible I’m afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 16:36

Actually that’s part of the question..,
Should it be left for later? When DSS is older.
Afraid that by then he’ll be completely alienated from his dad...

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 08/02/2021 16:44

Your partner needs to be the bigger person if he can, for the sake of DSS. Yes, tell the truth but in a calm accurate way. Try to avoid blame.
Say that they were ill suited, it led to anger and frustration on both sides, and that the mother reacted by name calling and plate slinging at which point the father felt it was better for everyone to diffuse the situation and leave.

And yes, tell the mother that dss has asked, and will be given a calm, limited answer.

The priority here is to help dss understand gently.

SpongebobNoPants · 08/02/2021 16:50

Try to avoid blame
Why? Would you be saying this if he’d been bettering the mum?

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 17:04

Hi Mintjulia...do you mean not tell them about her punching him? (Maybe I misunderstood...you only mentioned the plates and name calling.)

I think the DSS might have some suspicions, he might have heard a bit of the commotion. Afraid in case based on that he thought it was DP being violent:(

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 08/02/2021 17:12

I'm thinking about it from DSS point of view. If he's asked why they split, it will be easier for him to cope with, without getting too emotive. Perhaps say his dm's behaviour got too physical and his df decided it was safer to leave.
If dss asks for more details, he could tell him, but I'd try to allow dss the option to deal with it gradually. Also to know that his df does not harbour any remaining anger towards his ex-wife.

DSS has to live in the middle of this, so keeping it calm so he doesn't have to take sides seems kinder.

But I'm no expert.

Notcrackersyet · 08/02/2021 17:46

@Witchymclovely

You should discuss this with BM first. It’s only fair and right as she will be blindsided when he asks questions, which he will. My SD thought I had broken up her parents marriage or at least stopped them getting back together. We didn’t realise this for years! But BM knew and let her carry on believing. It was quite confusing for her at 15! When finally BM confessed to having an affair, twice! I thought I would feel vindicated or something but I didn’t, I just felt really sorry for my SD. I was the villain for so long in her eyes. She loves her BM but now at 19 she sees her faults and it doesn’t feel good to have been lied to for so long.
If this was a battered woman would you recommend she talks to her abuser first?!!

My partner has already had to explain this type of thing to his much younger daughter. There’s appropriate words for all ages to be truthful but sensitive. In your partners shoes I would tell my child the truth much as @Mintjuliahas said in her last post.

Pippa234 · 08/02/2021 17:49

Yes he's old enough to know the truth.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 18:21

Thank you all...
I’m afraid that DP still harbors resentment towards her about it.
On the one hand he thinks it’s his fault that he let himself be punched hundreds of times and still stayed for so long. On the other hand if he thinks about it he’s disgusted with her, especially as she acknowledged it but just tried to minimize it, and never said sorry about it.
The other fear he has is that DSS being a teenage boy would think less of him for getting beat up by a woman: (. Crappy to say but it might be true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 18:29

Notcrackersyet - I’m glad and sad that not alone in this predicament...
Can you please tell me how did that go? Can I message you if you prefer?

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 08/02/2021 19:12

@notcrackersyet it depends on the individual situation really doesn’t it. Every story being unique. But I believe the other parent should always be told for the child’s sake. If he goes home and starts asking questions she’s not prepared for it could cause a whole load more problems and he doesn’t need that on top of everything else. I’ve always found it important to be completely transparent when coparenting.

PokemonTrainerRed · 08/02/2021 19:29

Is his son likely to be believe the truth?
Is there anyone in the family who would confirm it?
Was she ever violent to the kids? I'd be concerned that he'd listen, confront her and dss will endure up being attacked or she will deny it and dss left confused.
He is old enough for more than "we didn't get along" but explanations like that make it sound 50/50 when it's not.

PokemonTrainerRed · 08/02/2021 19:30

By the first question I mean has he witnessed her kicking off or being physical with other people or is she the type to be good at hiding what she's like ?

deliciouschilli · 08/02/2021 20:16

Why did he leave his son with her? If this was a battered woman who left her children with an abuser she would be torn to pieces for being an awful parent.
This is ongoing physical abuse he is accusing her of, however he has made no attempt to get custody of his son?

deliciouschilli · 08/02/2021 20:18

His son must, at the very least, witnessed abuse if it was the "hundreds of times" that it happened??

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 21:22

She’s only punched him..not the child.
It would be in the evening after child gone to bed but I’m sure he still heard stuff...
I’m in a different jurisdiction - the primacy of the mother is literally enshrined in the constitution..
He’s gone to multiple solicitors who told him there’s nothing he could do as “it’s in the past”. Police also said that there’s nothing they could do.
That’s despite the fact that he has her admitting to it both in writing and recorded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 21:25

And yes she’s very good at hiding what she’s like. She’s the arty type so seen as some diaphanous creature..
DP was heartbroken at the start as even his mother said she “didn’t want to take sides”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 21:26

@PokemonTrainerRed he’s got the admissions in writing and recorded so if she denied it she wouldn’t get far.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/02/2021 21:29

Age appropriate truth always so he doesn't wrongly fill in the blanks.

deliciouschilli · 08/02/2021 21:30

"Multiple Solicitors have told him there's nothing he could do"?? Not buying this rubbish and neither should you.
The boy would have been 11yrs old, was not young and would have Heard / Witnessed the 100's of beatings your partner suffered. Why did he leave him?

deliciouschilli · 08/02/2021 21:32

Why didn't he take the writings and recordings to the police and take custody of his son???

PokemonTrainerRed · 08/02/2021 23:05

I'm glad that there wasn't physical abuse towards the child but I'm surprised that he didn't even go for 50/50. Teenagers can be experts at knowing which buttons to press and I'd be concerned that he'd be her replacement punching bag. Are you sure she didn't have even use smacking as a punishment? Dss will probably want to know why he wasn't parachuted out there and contact with mum supervised.