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Original poster

(Physically etc.) abusive exW - tell the truth or..?

51 replies

Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 14:32

Hi,

My DP left his exW 4 years ago after 15 years or so of constant abuse...being punched in the face a few times a month, as well as screamed at (lots of vile abuse said to him as well), plates thrown at his head etc..
This actually still happened, last time last year when she found out about me...(met him two years after they broke up). (Yes this time he went to the police, but she only got a caution.)

Problem is DSS15 was witness to much crying by her after DP left and is now starting to ask about the circumstances of that. It’s clear that he’s starting to think leaving was his dad’s fault.

Should DP tell him the truth? The whole family on both sides now know but it’s been completely swiped under the carpet as exW has been playing the victim/deserted woman.
DP has her admission to both the regular abuse and the instance in 2020, “on tape” and in email.
Not sure what to do...DSS likely getting more anti-Dad on behalf of his mother as time passes..

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 08/02/2021 23:09

@Witchymclovely

You should discuss this with BM first. It’s only fair and right as she will be blindsided when he asks questions, which he will. My SD thought I had broken up her parents marriage or at least stopped them getting back together. We didn’t realise this for years! But BM knew and let her carry on believing. It was quite confusing for her at 15! When finally BM confessed to having an affair, twice! I thought I would feel vindicated or something but I didn’t, I just felt really sorry for my SD. I was the villain for so long in her eyes. She loves her BM but now at 19 she sees her faults and it doesn’t feel good to have been lied to for so long.
Hi abusive ex

Do you mind if we tell the kids about your abuse?

Cheers.

Hmm
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2021 23:36

@deliciouschilli I know but believe me this is how things are here...I mean even when he told a friend after the guy just said that “you never know the Ins and outs of people’s relationships”.
Re solicitors I couldn’t believe it myself, so I asked a solicitor I used for conveyancing coz her firm also did personal injury; in case she thought of a way to make this more ..important? for the police. She also said there’s nothing doing.
I think she hasn’t hit the child, she’s actually more mollycoddling him.
The issue is also that the recording is after the fact as such, of her admitting it happened “oh I didn’t hit you that much” rather than during the fact.

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 09/02/2021 07:09

@RootyT00t unfortunately yes. Even victims of violent ex’s have to put their children first. It’s rubbish agreed, it’s an horrendous situation but can you imagine what would happen if they don’t tell her?!? I think they need professional advice.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 09/02/2021 07:38

@Witchymclovely
What do you think would happen?
Not being facetious, this is what we’re trying to work out, the various ways it could unfold.

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 09/02/2021 08:23

It will blow up in his face! There I said it. Not yours, not your H but his. If your going to do this you need professional advice.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 09/02/2021 08:49

Hi @Witchymclovely - how do you mean?

Do you mean it would blow up in DSS’s face?
Or DP’s face?
Or exW?
Again sorry not being facetious - trying to think of how would it go..obviously we’ve all been 15 but never faced with something like this.

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 09/02/2021 09:23

I assume she means it will blow up in DSS face but I dont agree. I think not telling him and him finding out 10 years down the line when his relationship with his father is irreparably damaged would be more devastating.
Although your point about professional help is a good one. Children who come from homes where there is abuse present could benifit from counselling.

Witchymclovely · 09/02/2021 09:57

He needs to be told - as she previously posted- but you need to get advice from a professional first. This could go very wrong, I think you know this, as why would you post?!? Unless someone on MN is a professional then no one on here can give you the information you need we can only advise to seek a professionals input.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 09/02/2021 10:01

Hi @Witchymclovely - exactly that’s what we’re trying to understand.
You’re saying that it could go wrong - how do you mean (understand that these would just be hypotheticals, but how do you imagine it could go wrong)?

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 09/02/2021 10:19

Read Sassbot's thread "life after SP". You think this man you love would never steal from you or from your children. Oh how wonderful he wants what's best for his children. There is a type who have no qualms about stealing from single mother's and shunting their children's needs to bottom of the list, manipulating you for spending any time or money on your DC because it's so unfair on his DC. It really sounds like you've got one of those. Protect your time, money, energy and children. Look at his actions not his words. His words"my son needs his own bedroom to feel part of the family" but what he really means"I'm playing the long game to take your money and in the meantime my dc will be front and centre of all your decisions because my dc are a useful device to manipulate you".

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 09/02/2021 10:20

Argh this is for the other thread about bedrooms. Sorry

Witchymclovely · 09/02/2021 10:32

A professional can hypothesise with you 👍

Alicenwonderland · 09/02/2021 10:34

I would definitely get professional advice. Having been through the court system twice with my abusive ex, I know I've been advised not to talk to my children about the abuse even though they witnessed it and remember. My son is nearly 10 though so obviously much younger. Courts are all about preserving the relationship between the child and their parent. I'm also surprised they didn't give your OH more custody, in my experience standard contact is quite a lot even when there's been abuse and it's definitely not swayed towards the mother! I found the opposite.
The problem is this could backfire terribly. This is his mother and he won't want to believe badly of her. If she's been filling his head with nonsense he will be confused. It could turn him against your partner. Does he need to know? Can you just say it wasn't a healthy relationship and it was better to separate?

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 09/02/2021 10:37

Hi @Witchymclovely - what I’m asking is since you’re imagining it could go very wrong / blow up in someone’s face, that you have some view on how that could possibly happen?

Otherwise not sure that you’re being very helpful, just seems like you’re trying to minimize the abuse which is what DP has been up against these last year because he’s a man and exW is a woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 09/02/2021 10:40

@Alicenwonderland - thanks for sharing.
The issue is that DSS seems to be getting more anti Dad, blaming him for the split.
In terms of believing him , DP was thinking of just playing the recording where exW admitted to it, so pretty black and white.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 09/02/2021 10:44

I suppose the issue is that as things stand DSS will believe bad about his father (if nothing else is said, the standard answers about not getting on have been given).
Surely that should be just as important as him hearing something bad (in this case, true) about the mother?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2021 12:00

Your DP should ask DSS what he really thinks went on. Not what he's been told by Mum but what he thinks.

His Dad then can explain there were a number of incidents where x y z happened and it no one should stay with someone physically violent.

RootyT00t · 09/02/2021 14:38

[quote Witchymclovely]@RootyT00t unfortunately yes. Even victims of violent ex’s have to put their children first. It’s rubbish agreed, it’s an horrendous situation but can you imagine what would happen if they don’t tell her?!? I think they need professional advice.[/quote]
I don't disagree they need professional advice but telling her is madness.

Malena77 · 09/02/2021 23:14

This ‘protect the children from difficult truth about their parents at all cost’ 100% backfires later in their life. There’s always a way of telling the truth and by truth I mean being factual in as much or as little detailed way as it is suitable.
I have a personal experience of witnessing what not telling the truth about their abusive mother does to children over the years. They end up feeling confused, brainwashed, and sided with the abuser who is forever in a victim role. When they finally find out the truth they feel let down that no one dared tell them earlier and that they lived in the dark for so long.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2021 02:21

The boy would have been 11yrs old, was not young and would have Heard / Witnessed the 100's of beatings your partner suffered. Why did he leave him?

He wouldn't have heard if he was sleeping and abusive people choose their moments.

1 or 2 punches would not necessarily be heard by someone sleeping upstairs or on another room, unless followed by screaming to alert that something was going on.

In relation to why did he leave him, she wasn't violent to the child and in cases where women are abused, the father still has unsupervised visitation.

In many DV cases, the victim does not report it. No report = no proof.

Women report DV on average after 30/35 incidents. Men are more embarrassed about it on the whole, as society has a tendency to see them.ad "weak".

deliciouschilli · 10/02/2021 08:49

@SandyY2K he was "Screamed at and had plates thrown at his head" 100's of incidents.
He had no way of knowing she wasn't going to be violent to the child.
He left his child with an extremely violent person who had punched him 100's of times.
If a woman had done this she would be torn to pieces.

TheTeenageYears · 10/02/2021 09:04

I grew up being told one side of a story and found out in early 20's something which was pretty fundamental to the tale which completely changed my perspective. I will never know the truth and honestly wish I did. Our experiences shape our relationships, the knowledge may help him at some point in the future @Bonheurdupasse. It's a tricky balance to give enough information so DSS understands but not too much so it causes major issues between him and his mum.

Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 10/02/2021 09:12

Thank you @TheTeenageYears, glad to hear from the child’s perspective.
How do you think you’d have handled if you were told as a teenager?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonheurdupasse · 10/02/2021 09:16

@deliciouschilli - she hadn’t been violent to the child when they were together, just to DP. After DP left she’s been “mollycoddling” DSS (treating him as a bit younger) and not been violent- just acting as the victim.

Don’t know what to tell you - no one either believes or cares, he told her family as well who ignored it. Solicitors, the police when he went to them when it happened again in 2020. Everyone shrugs their shoulders.

OP posts:
deliciouschilli · 10/02/2021 11:01

The point is that your partner is doing this purely for his own benefit, without thinking or caring what impact this has on his son.

I doubt his son is suddenly going to think he is a great guy.
In fact it could backfire and destroy his sons relationship with his mother and him as neither of them have covered themselves in glory.

Counselling is something he will obviously need afterwards.

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