Do you enjoy being a step parent

[Sunnydays999]

Background . I have a son who my husband is step dad to . We have a child together . He is a wonderful step dad . We were chatting about holidays in the future and he said imagine if I had had children before we met - how much holidays would be . To that I replied we wouldn’t be together. He was quick shocked. I could never truly like / treat the same a child that isn’t mine. So it was always a no for me . I never dated men with children. I know I would hate sharing him with you a child from another relationship.
I was brought up in a step family and it was awful all round . Maybe ( probably) affected my view

@FishyFriday - oh gosh I really feel for you. I think my story might have a different tale and ending if it wasn't for the fact that at least the majority of the time we work as a team. Im not sure I could have stuck around like you have if MY DP also blamed me.
Don't get me wrong there have been a handful of occasions whereby I would perhaps of dealt with something differently, and I once expected a tougher punishment for some behavior but on the whole we work together.
We both did think that as time went on their mum would get bored - but no. And we also thought that the kids would perhaps see that their behavior / attitude was wrong and as they got older it would be easier - but no again. In fact it seems worse.
As I said, I'm hoping that their contact never fully returns to how it was pre covid, and I feel awful for thinking it, but it's just how it is.

Better now she’s older. Her mum seems to be less confrontational now too which has made life a lot easier.

I used to struggle with resentment when she was small. I remember OH being at work overnight, his ex had rung him before he started his shift and said she needed this months maintenance money in cash that evening. Soft boy complied and even drove it to her. We had DSD (then 2) that night. She was poorly and she cried for her mummy all night. It was awful, she was used to me by this point but she just wanted her mum. I was pregnant at the time, early days but awful morning sickness and I felt like death warmed up most of the time!
The next morning there were photos of OH’s ex on the lash. I quickly put 2 and 2 together and realised why she’d demanded the money in cash that evening. I felt incredibly resentful and I’m really ashamed to say that at the time I felt resentful of both DSD and her mum.

I was on my own with an inconsolable toddler, pregnant, tired, emotional and nauseous whilst her mother went out and partied, presumably with the money OH handed over for his DD.

I feel incredibly sorry for DSD nowadays. I had some old threads running somewhere, DSD was left with us for 4 months straight throughout the pandemic. Her mums behaviour was appalling. Thankfully, she has at least tried to make amends with DSD by having her the odd weekend since.

Sorry, totally told you my life story there. I still find it really hard some days but I’ve been in this game long enough now to realise that I’m not resentful towards DSD anymore. I’m not as patient with her as I am with my other children, she’s older than them which I think plays a part. I’m not as patient with my 7 year old as I am with my 21 month old and not as patient with the 21 month old as I am with the 4 month old so that’s perhaps normal but if shes really starting to do my tits in then I just walk away and give us both a few minutes.

@Hiphopboppertybop99 Yes. Feeling that you are a team is so important. It just can’t work when he’s so ready to throw you under the bus at any opportunity and he’s deep in denial that his ex is calling the shots.

We are at proper crisis point. I think we might sell the house and try having separate ones. He can do his Disney dad contact (and feel the pain of dealing with his children and ex) on his own. And stop accusing me of being controlling for wanting to even be informed in advance that he’s agreed to have the dropped off early or that she’s demanded something so he’s actually rearranged the furniture in the house to accommodate it. Or for wanting to decide what I cook for dinner because I’m not his personal chef (and he can cook if he doesn’t think it’s good enough for the children who just won’t eat it anyway).

He can come and stay in my house when he isn’t with them. Not exactly the stuff of dream marriages but I’m burnt out and cannot take being the scapegoat any more.

He will be miserable doing all his contact time because (by his own admission) they are not very much fun and never grateful for anything. And part of his issue with me withdrawing is that he has to do it on his own (and can’t escape for a 90 minute bike ride etc). Because I’m awful and won’t ‘help’ him by providing childcare and all other domestic services on demand.

I cannot tell you the relief of reading some of your comments - both the good and the bad. I feel I’ve suffered in silence for a long while now and every little thing is becoming a big thing or I’m going crazy!!

It’s sooo hard and the most adult thing I think you’ll ever have to do. I do it all for my OH and that’s it.

Thank you for your honesty - really needed it today!

@FishyFriday, oh gosh that's so sad, and I really feel for you. It's awful to think that your DH is willing to let that happen.
How old are the kids? Is this likely to be the situation for a long time?
As well as my SC coming less due to lockdown they are also getting older and wanting to spend their weekend time with friends etc, out of covid etc. as well as not getting out of bed til mid afternoon as they have been up All night online gaming

Oh, it’s a long sentence here. The youngest is 4.

I genuinely think my husband is incapable of seeing past his own wants and feelings though. Nor for appreciating what he has. Maybe he will appreciate me when I’m gone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh my god this is the best thread I have ever read on Mumsnet. My exDP and I have now split up but he has 2 kids and it was 4 years of hell. Not because of the children but because of their mum manipulating them, stopping contact for ridiculous reasons, constantly verbally abusing my ex husband etc etc. My ex husband ended up with severe depression as a result of the constant aggression and drama.
She hated me from before we even met. It got to a point where I would have heart palpitations when he would tell me that she had emailed, I ended up on anti anxiety mediation.
It all affected my relationship with the kids, it got to a point where I was reluctant to spend time with them and felt I couldn’t be myself around them because anything I said or did would be repeated back to their mum (innocently I might add, they were too young to manipulate and they genuinely liked me), and it would be twisted by her in to something awful and used as a rod to beat my husband with.

I would never ever again get involved with a man who has children, unless they are independent adults.

Oh fishy... I'm so terribly sorry for your situation. I do hope your husband sees sense before it's too late.
@Funtimegran, yep your situation sounds very familiar too. As I have said previously to Fishy, at least my DP is aware of the ex's behaviour. My DP needed counselling. His counsellor said she had controlling and manipulative behaviour. And it seemed that she had a need / desire to constantly try and control him even though they were separated.
We've had a kick off over the weekend, seems to be never ending at the minute...
It is sad, because the only people that suffer in the long run are the kids.

@NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs

Maybe this is a maternal thing. From the other side of the fence, I am a step child. I have felt nothing less than pure love from my step dad. He is my dad in every sense of the word except biological. He has never ever treated me any different to his own children and I'd go as far to say I have a closer relationship with him than he does with his own children. My biological dad took on a step daughter when he remarried too. When that marriage broke down he continued to see step daughter as well as his biological children from that relationship every weekend, he still loved her like his own. Their bond has continued to grow and now, as with mine and my step dads relationship, I would definitely say she is closer to my dad than I am. His wife from that marriage, my step mum, always gave me the feeling she didn't like me very much. I felt awkward at times being there, in the way of their family life. After their marriage broke down I didn't see her for years until my nieces and nephews were born. She's friendly towards me now but we don't have a relationship as such. I also used to work with a bloke who, again when his relationship broke down, continued seeing the children, even paying maintenance for them. It was only after a year or so that I found out that they weren't actually his children, they were his step children! He just loved them like his own.

I am a step child too - with a step dad who was completely awful. My step mum on the other hand treated me wonderfully and we are still close despite her no longer being with my dad. I’ve heard more horrible stories about step dads than step mums. So I’m not sure there is a pattern!

This is a really good perspective that step mums have a much harder tightrope to walk. However my experience of having a step dad is that men see you as living evidence of their partners previous sexual life and hate you for it (obv not all men but I do feel like this drives some of the bad behaviour of the “evil step fathers” out there, like mine).