Do you enjoy being a step parent

[Sunnydays999]

Background . I have a son who my husband is step dad to . We have a child together . He is a wonderful step dad . We were chatting about holidays in the future and he said imagine if I had had children before we met - how much holidays would be . To that I replied we wouldn’t be together. He was quick shocked. I could never truly like / treat the same a child that isn’t mine. So it was always a no for me . I never dated men with children. I know I would hate sharing him with you a child from another relationship.
I was brought up in a step family and it was awful all round . Maybe ( probably) affected my view

It was okay until lockdown. Now, it's me and 17yo DSS stuck in the house together all day as DP has to work full time as a key worker. He's supposed to be studying for his final year of A Levels but instead screams at video games all day and is rude to me when I suggest he should do otherwise. DP phones him during the day and asks what he's doing and he lies. DP talks to him about it each evening but there's little he can do when he's got to be in work.

He eats and eats and eats all day, including things he knows we were supposed to eat for our evening meal that day. He never clears the kitchen after himself, or the bathroom, never lifts a finger without being nagged to death.

Honestly, it was fine before lockdown but now I feel like crying most of the time. I'm just so trapped. I need college to reopen again.

Mostly no. In fact I've stopped referring to them as my step children and now they're OHs kids. We each have 2 boys and are expecting a daughter together.
Its been a real struggle as I put so much pressure on myself to like them in the early days and I just don't. They're lazy, behave like overgrown toddlers and are fairly gormless (11 and 9)
Very different to my two (13 and 9) and I don't think them being close in age helps because I can't help but compare.
I tolerate having them here, and drive them back and forth, cook, wash etc etc because my relationship with their father is worth my irritation. They won't be little forever and at some point less annoying, maybe.
But he knows how I feel to some degree and has had his own issues with my children at some point. Had they lived with him full time though I suspect I wouldn't have moved in. Who knows.

Nope, can’t stand it. Totally tolerate it.

No, I don’t. I am quite fond of my eldest 2 but I feel no attachment to the youngest 2 and nor do I get any joy from seeing them. I just have to do it because I want to be with my DH.

Maybe this is a maternal thing.
From the other side of the fence, I am a step child. I have felt nothing less than pure love from my step dad. He is my dad in every sense of the word except biological. He has never ever treated me any different to his own children and I'd go as far to say I have a closer relationship with him than he does with his own children.
My biological dad took on a step daughter when he remarried too. When that marriage broke down he continued to see step daughter as well as his biological children from that relationship every weekend, he still loved her like his own. Their bond has continued to grow and now, as with mine and my step dads relationship, I would definitely say she is closer to my dad than I am.
His wife from that marriage, my step mum, always gave me the feeling she didn't like me very much. I felt awkward at times being there, in the way of their family life. After their marriage broke down I didn't see her for years until my nieces and nephews were born. She's friendly towards me now but we don't have a relationship as such.
I also used to work with a bloke who, again when his relationship broke down, continued seeing the children, even paying maintenance for them. It was only after a year or so that I found out that they weren't actually his children, they were his step children! He just loved them like his own.

I don’t enjoy it. My kids lives seem to be put on hold to work around DSD and her mum’s schedule. Pah.

I would advise my kids to try and not get with someone who has kids in the in the future.

First set I absolutely adored, but then their parents and I have very similar parenting styles so we got along very easily and really enjoyed our time together.

The current set... I remind myself they are kids and that it is not their fault but they are moody, entitled, selfish, inconsiderate and very very rude. Their parents allow behaviours I wouldn’t tolerate in my own child when he was a toddler so I really don’t enjoy the time together much, it is not fair on DS either. So we keep our distance to keep the peace. It seems a solution that works fine for all of us. No hard feelings, they have one to one time with their dad that allows me to have one to one time with my son as well 🙂.

Step parenting is HARD anyone who says otherwise I just simply can't believe. I love the bones of my step daughter, she is a wonderful girl and I've been in her life since she was just gone three, we have a wonderful relationship now that she's almost 9 and she tells me I'm her best friend regularly. It's the other parent in my case that spoils step parenting. I Could give her daughter diamonds and rubies and it wouldn't be enough. I wasn't the other woman or anything, me and her dad didn't meet for two years after they split up but for some reason she just detests me. I want to think if me and OH split up I would be accepting along as my children were happy and treat well... I don't know that side of things so I could be completely wrong. We have two other children together and generally we are a very happy family of 5, it is still very very emotionally hard though 😕

@Tellto

No its something I tolerate in order to enjoy the rest of my relationship.

This.

I can see what you mean OP, I myself wouldn't date someone with children again.
Like a PP said it's more of the child's Mum that has spoilt it for me.
If it wasn't for her I think things would have been alot easier with her constant drama and manipulation of my ss she has put me off of ever wanting to do it again if I split from DH.

Not at all.

I often wonder if meeting my DH was the best or worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I had been in quite an abusive relationship with a total controlling narc when I met him. That’s when I became more open to men with children - though I was only 25 but already the options were closing if I wanted a man without children. I decided it kids were the only compromise how bad can it be - comparing it to awful ex situ.

I adore my husband and we have such a wonderful relationship in every other way but I hate having a step child. We have our own kids too now so I’m in too deep to just walk away. SC has a myriad of complicated issues that neither parent can really deal with and is a challenge day in day out. Physically abusive, demanding, he’s draining and I hate the hostility in the house when he’s here. He’s in a special school FT now despite Mum being home (not working) as she can’t cope. I don’t know what his future holds but it seems bleak. I made v clear to DH that he’s not safe to live with young children FT should his Mum reach breaking point.

He is an isolated case and I’m not sure I’d struggle if it wasn’t for his extra needs. I coped better when he was younger and more manageable and wasnt violent.

If I had to do the tightrope walk of "the correct level of involvement" that most stepmums seem to have to do I doubt I'd be as happy

NewLevel has it for me with this ^^

I often find the comparison between step dads and mum's unfair because often the expectations of them are so far apart.

I know far more step father's who've been allowed to be involved in a parental way, been allowed to develop those close bonds, it's often step father's who are in situations where the other parent isn't really around as much or not at all. That's rare for a step mother really.

It seems to me that step mother's have a much more impossible task a lot of the time of being involved but not being at the same time, of loving like their own but also backing off when it counts. Of treating completely equally to their children but only when it comes to the 'good bits' i.e. money and treats.

This isn't always the case of course, I know that. But ime there seems to be a much much harder line for step mum's to tread than step dads. Quite often it can be down to the other parent. I don't think many mum's like the idea of another woman having any sort of maternal role in their child's lives but at the same anything less is seen as cold or heartless.

In my own situation, my kids step dad doesn't really do anything for the kids. He's good to them in the sense that he's kind and they really like him. But he doesn't really do anything practical, he's never looked after them alone, never taken them to school etc...

But me as a step mum, that seems to have just been expected of me and just part of 'being a family'. Helping out and mucking in but also not 'too much' either. It's complicated and at the start could be messy.

It's easier now, DSC mum has accepted me after a bit of resistance at first and we actually get on okay now, she comes in for a brew and we chat very easily. I actually think we'd be good friends under different circumstances but the slight undertone of awkwardness is still there.

I'd never get away with the level of 'just being a cool fun adult with the DC but not actually parenting' that their step dad does. Everyone thinks he's marvellous just because he plays a few games with them and makes them laugh. But hey ho.

One thing I will say is all of my gripes with being a step parent aren't anything to do with the kids themselves. That's the sad part. It's always the adults that ruin it imo.

So I'm not miserable, I'm not unhappy. I love my DH. But if I had my time again would I choose it again? I'm not so sure tbh. And I'd probably be advising any daughter of mine to avoid the situation herself.

Only moved in together last year, but so far I love my partner's DSs being around (50/50). They get on brilliantly with my DS (who is with me all the time, his dad not in our life). The biggest advantage for me is that I don't want to have any more children of my own, but my DS has sibling figures.

Opposite to quite a few people I read on here, DP is more involved in my child's life than I am with his, as DS doesn't have a father figure, but DSs have a great mum already.

No I don't.

Reading through this thread I can relate to a lot of these comments. It’s the hardest role to play. Especially if there are other kids in the house - I have to be the mum figure for the whole house but sometimes being that figure means I can feel my sd rolling her eyes at me !

Nope....next question. I can only DREAM of EOW. One lives with us full-time. So did the other one until two years ago.

I'm a full-time stepmum to 4 children (with no children of my "own") and I do really think that I was made to do it.

In my experience, all children need is security, compassion and understanding - just like us adults.

Homeschooling has been really hard though!

I don’t enjoy it in the least.

DH’s children are hard work. But the thing that makes it so hard is their parents. DH’s ex is prone to interfering in my household. DH is driven by both a huge sense of entitlement in relation to his children and a terror that he won’t get to see them. I’m frequently scapegoated regardless what I actually do. The kids know they can manipulate this screwed up power dynamic.

If it were just the kids, it’d be one thing. But an anxious NRP and his awful ex is not something I find enhances my joy in life.

No. And it makes me sad.
I always thought it would be ok and that we would have an ok, if not good relationship. I looked forward to the future when I first got with their dad.
I have never been as wrong about anything in my entire life.
I don't blame them, it is the fault of their mother entirely. She is the most controlling, manipulative, lazy, sneaky, undermining, two faced person I have ever had the misfortune to meet.
She has played an excellent game...
However, it has been a war not a battle and generally we are winning.
She tried all the above behaviour on my DP, but once he soon realised to stop communicating with her she then turned it round on to me....
There's peaks and troughs with the behavior and game playing. It depends if she 'needs us on side' for something. If so we can hardly hear a peep out if her. Then once she has what she wants, the next few months will be a nightmare.
As SHE has been losing control, she has in the last few years began to try and control / manipulate through the kids.
I'm 100% convinced it was to try and split us up, but in fact it has had the opposite effect. As he knows her behaviour we just ride it out. If it weren't the fact that we have worked as a team, or DP wasn't supportive to me, I would have walked a while ago.
I am now also of the opinion, with the kids being early teens, they should see their behaviour is wrong but apparently they don't.
DP has also been told by members of their mothers family that the youngest is turning out to be not a very pleasant person at the minute due to attitude and behaviour.
Contact has reduced a lot in the last year, im praying it never fully goes back to how it was.
We have always been of the opinion that it would reduce, probably gradually and especially when they leave high school but I am so hoping for my own health it does not increase. I wouldn't mind the elder one as much on their own, as they have sometimes visited alone but together they can be very difficult.
Like many others I don't feel I can be at home in my own home. I have tried every approach, to be involved with everything including discipline and I have taken the approach to not get involved. Either way I cannot win.
The last few weeks, have been very difficult, perhaps some of the most challenging times and I'm hoping we (me and DP) get through this as we have done the rest of the difficult times.
Apologies for the incredibly long post !

I have never enjoyed it, I disengage - keep myself busy and out of the way! It's not a problem, it's just how it is. There is no end... when you add a disability into the mix too, it's not what I expected and can feel soul destroying.

Like many others I don't feel I can be at home in my own home. I have tried every approach, to be involved with everything including discipline and I have taken the approach to not get involved. Either way I cannot win.

I feel like this. Thing is, I don’t think my husband is supportive at all. He’s so caught up in the ongoing drama around seeing his kids/will the behave badly yet again/will they say they don’t like coming so their mother can threaten to pull contact/etc.

And he has a tendency to scapegoat me. The kids didn’t eat their dinner (again). It must be that Fishy cooked the wrong thing. The kids threaten not to come because they don’t like not being allowed to jump on the sofa. It’s Fishy’s fault for not wanting her sofa jumped all over. Or Fishy’s fault for not bowing down to welcome the prodigal children the instant they arrive not being welcoming enough. Interact with them, and it’s all my fault. Withdraw and it’s my fault too. I can’t win.

As well as this, the drama about these children takes over everything. Fishy needs to have a minor operation, well that’s less important than taking the children to the park. Obviously. Fishy is recovering from major abominable surgery. Well she’s unreasonable for not cooking dinner for the children (who won’t eat it anyway). 🙄

@FishyFriday - bar the operation (hope all is well) that's our situation..... thing is whereas my DP and are together on things like jumping on furniture, tidying your own pots, sweet wrappers, crisp packets , picking clothing/ shoes from the middle of the floor etc to the kids its all me and that's what goes back to their mum. Via them. The youngest is also lying and blatantly so.
Few years ago she told them they didn't have to listen to me. Completely out of order - but Fine. After that I refused to have them when she asked DP, but he couldn't cos of work. Im talking outside of their contact arrangements at the time. Not the way I wanted it or how I envisaged but that's what it drove me to.
There are times that it makes me sad we don't have a relationship, but I didn't make it this way, and there is no way I can put it right either so it is what it is. Sadly.

@Hiphopboppertybop99 the op was about a year ago. But I was apparently completely unreasonable for not thinking screaming children running around the house the day I came home from the hospital was totally ok. How dare I think their father should have any control over their behaviour?

I cannot win with a lazy, guilt-driven non-resident father who is terrified that his extremely demanding children will refuse to come (because they got cereal instead of pancakes for breakfast) and their mother will seize the opportunity to increase maintenance by reducing contact.

There are parts I enjoy - not having my own children yet, it's been nice to re-experience things that I haven't done since my own childhood. My stepchildren are both nice kids so we get along fine. I also feel that having these SCs has given me a more realistic view of what it's like to actually have children, which has meant I haven't rushed into it until I have felt ready.

But equally I would love it if they were my DP's nephews/nieces instead of his own children so that the days out and fun stuff was all there was, and then we gave them back.

I don't enjoy that our calendar is dictated by when they will be with us and that a load of his money goes straight out of the door into another household, making things harder for us. I don't enjoy having to do dull things because they enjoy them - my DP obviously gets pleasure himself when they are happy, I don't. The weekends they are with us I just feel have been cancelled for me - it's not a break, it's just work all week, then hard work and stuff I don't enjoy all weekend, then they go home and it's back to work.

So it's not even that I don't like them - I like them both very much - but it is very hard to have somebody else's children actually come and live with you regularly.