Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do you enjoy being a step parent

61 replies

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 14:20

Background . I have a son who my husband is step dad to . We have a child together . He is a wonderful step dad . We were chatting about holidays in the future and he said imagine if I had had children before we met - how much holidays would be . To that I replied we wouldn’t be together. He was quick shocked. I could never truly like / treat the same a child that isn’t mine. So it was always a no for me . I never dated men with children. I know I would hate sharing him with you a child from another relationship.
I was brought up in a step family and it was awful all round . Maybe ( probably) affected my view

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 14:21

Sorry meant to add!
Do you feel attached to step children & like having them around ? My husband is great with my son and saw us as a package and was happy with that .

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2021 14:39

No I don't really feel the way you described, it's more something I have to put up with and get on with for my DPs sake. There's nothing wrong with you feeling it wouldn't be for you but I imagine he thought it was quite hypocritical.

Original poster

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 14:43

@aSofaNearYou I think he possibly does ( although he Says he doesn’t as he loves ds ) but I think I would be a awful step parent . As I say a lot comes from my own unhappy experience I think

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 14:49

What do you expect of him in terms of your son? I imagine he thought what you said was breathtakingly hypocritical and might make him review what being with you has done to his life.

Are you planning joint children?

Original poster

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 14:53

@AnneLovesGilbert oh we have been together 20 years . Son is a young adult and we have a teenager together. I think he was shocked I said it in that moment .But I have always made it clear I don’t like other people’s children ( have no desire to hold relatives or friends babies .

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 14:56

As for what I expect for him in terms of my son , I didn’t expect anything when we met . I had intended to stay single . But we met and they got on great . He’s been a father in every sense of the word . In fact there where periods in my sons teens when they were closer than we were . There personalities just fit

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 07/02/2021 15:49

I enjoyed it and I didn’t.

I certainly didn’t feel excited about it.

The adults I.e. ex, his ex wife and the in laws made stepparenting something quite miserable to have to put up with at times.

The good days were nice. Dsc was an alright kid. It takes a bit more than just a few nice days to enjoy stepparenting though.

I resented being expected to do things like childcare during school holidays and taking dsc to hobbies or waiting around in the cold with my children for maths club to finish etc...

So yeah, just glad those days are behind me now.

Original poster

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 17:59

@funinthesun19 I don’t remember ever having nice days as a step family so it’s nice to read yours . I’m sure others do it very successful . Sounds like you got on .
Even with my own kids I’m glad the waiting round for groups is over !

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 07/02/2021 18:04

Yeah I mean the bad days far outweighed the good ones don’t get me wrong. But they were there in a minuscule number.

sonnysunshine · 07/02/2021 18:09

My stepson is gorgeous and always been the easiest of our kids. That said it was really hard at times and I wished now I had stepped back more and just enjoyed him more. He comes and visits most weeks and at the moment that is the highlight. He is an adult now though!

LatentPhase · 07/02/2021 18:10

So you’ve given as a standard that you would need to ‘like or treat the same a child who is not your own’.

And this is flawed. All that’s needed is to treat a step child with thought and value and kindness. It’s the actual parent’s job to love that child ‘as their own’.

And it’s the blended family’s job to meet the needs of said children a harmonious way. While meeting the adult relationship needs at the same time. No mean feat. But not the same as you’ve defined it.

DinoHat · 07/02/2021 18:12

I find it a bit hypocritical for a parent to expect the same love from their partner to their children as a parent.

I love my nieces, but not like my own DC. I love my partner, but again, not like my own DC.

I don’t expect teachers, nursery staff, healthcare professionals to love my child. But I do trust that they will take care of them and have their best interests at heart.

It’s so unrealistic. Especially as you acknowledge you couldn’t reciprocate it.

My DH knows I don’t love my DSS, but he also knows I welcome him into our home and want the best for him. He’s happy with that.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 07/02/2021 20:33

No I don’t enjoy it.

Been in this for a decade now and whilst I love my DH deeply, getting with a man who already had kids was the biggest mistake of my life.

I accepted they came as a package and I tried so, so hard but with a combination of his Disney parenting, his ex being vindictive and controlling, the in-laws constantly ramming their expectations down my throat it’s really taken a toll on me and has been an uphill struggle and a thankless task.

His kids are manipulative, spoiled and entitled and whilst I chat to them when they’re here, I have largely disengaged and I just don’t enjoy being around them. The house is also tidier and a much more calm place when they are not here.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 20:36

I enjoy spending time with my step children. I do not enjoy all the external pressures expecting me to be like a 2nd mother to them.

Kimbo180 · 07/02/2021 20:50

Yeah i love it at times. Shes turning 8 soon in her life since 2. Have built up a great relastionship few battles here and there but it happens. I pay for half of things for her becoz i choose to holidays etc. I my own child turning 26 in may. Never expected my oh to contribute but he does as i think it shows how much love and respect we have. Regards the lil ones mum he does all the commincation things are well for now. She settled down as shes in new relationship so everything is good all around for now. Thank god

Kimbo180 · 07/02/2021 20:58

And regards not being a parent i treat her the way i would expect my oh to treat mine its not there fault there in the suituation.

Tellto · 07/02/2021 21:03

No its something I tolerate in order to enjoy the rest of my relationship.

TaighNamGastaOrt · 07/02/2021 21:50

There are good days and bad days. The good outweigh the bad. DSC is a fab kid, I do love them and I always try to be unscrupulously fair with them. Having said that, I do not love them as I love my own DC. Not in a nasty way, they have parents for that. I focus on my kids.
If in doubt, be kind. they didnt ask to be in this situation. Their mum is awful, I absolutely dont like that part of it, especially when she makes up things I've supposedly done to upset DSC. Or lies.
We just ignore as we have to get on for DSC but honestly I wouldn't choose a man with kids again. I ended up with PND thanks to the exw. Not DSC fault at all, it just can be a bit crap.
And no, I wasn't the OW!!

tisonlymeagain · 08/02/2021 09:21

I don't enjoy it at all. They're not bad kids, but they're not my kids and I enjoy having them around about as much as I would if I had other people's kids in my house.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 08/02/2021 09:50

I enjoy being a step-dad. But I think I enjoy it more because they're own dad isn't that involved. He has them every other weekend, they come back knowing their dad does love them and don't have abandonment issues or anything, but the practical day to day 'fathering' is left to me and I've found it much easier to love them and enjoy it as a result. If I had to do the tightrope walk of "the correct level of involvement" that most stepmums seem to have to do I doubt I'd be as happy.

There's issues, but it's more that after several years he still can't emotionally let go of my partner, rather than anything to do with the kids. He rang her bawling his eyes, lying drunk on the ground at new years (when we'd finally got the kids to bed and had a few minutes to ourselves....) It's infrequent enough not to sour the whole thing though.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 08/02/2021 09:53

*their.

dammit.

user1493413286 · 08/02/2021 10:35

I like and love my DSD; I enjoy spending time with her and seeing my DH as a good parent made me love him more. I’ve never felt I had to share DH with her; more that they come as a package. However I find it very difficult how much my life and our DCs lives are effected by her mum and I do not enjoy that part of being a step parent; for that reason I would always say to people to be cautious and i really hope in 10 years time when DSD is an adult and her mum no longer impacts our life that I’ll feel differently

Shinesun14 · 08/02/2021 11:43

I don't today. It really has its ups and downs. I wouldn't advise my dd to ever become a stepmum.

HerbErtlinger · 08/02/2021 11:47

No not particularly.

Fireandflames666 · 08/02/2021 11:53

I wouldn't want to be with someone with children either. Too much hard work and too many extra people to deal with or stress about.

Flip

1 2 3