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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Trapped

30 replies

sowhatsnext · 06/02/2021 23:28

Posting on step parenting for hopefully some more understanding contributors.

Me and partner (together 5 years 15 yr age gap one child 3 yrs) live together in my house and I pay everything (inc. 2 days week nursery, he does 3 days childcare). His daughter (18) also lives with us.

Due to a lot of actually understandable reasons he lost his house and has always been self employed. I lent him some money to set himself up again. But over the last 2/3 years he’s done very little “work” and certainly nothing that contributes meaningfully to our financial life.

I’m totally sick of the situation and have lost all respect and any sense of this being a relationship. We have slept in separate rooms for past 6 months and tbh although I care about him and love the relationship he and our daughter have, I don’t have any connection to him. We spend v little time together other than meals (we probs cook 50/50).

However I feel totally trapped. I feel immensely guilty if I start to think about asking him and his daughter to leave - mainly as I feel that they have nowhere to go and no assets to fall back on; as I fear the impact a decision like that taken by me would have on our daughter (he’d spin me into the evil woman who kicked him out etc etc). I also worry that he’d end up being homeless.

I guess as things aren’t awful (we have rows probably monthly when I get sick of doing housework / get short of cash) but overall life ticks along ok. However I’m not even 40 yet and feel like my life could be just spent ticking over and look back entirely resentful and alone.

Don’t really know what I’m asking for other than peoples support.. sorry!

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 06/02/2021 23:36

The FOG is holding you back: fear, obligation, guilt. If you carry on like this look at it this way, your child will only get a quarter of your time, energy, money and focus. If it's just you and your child you will have so much more of yourself to give. Plus, they will have a happy mum, not one who is just ticking along in an unhealthy relationship. Put yourself and your DC first. Your partner is a grown up who managed to support himself for 20 years or more before you came along to pay for him.

aSofaNearYou · 06/02/2021 23:38

Could you give him a deadline to move out, to give him more time to get a back up plan in place? That way you wouldn't be the "evil person throwing him out", but equally you can't stay in an unhappy relationship for that reason alone.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 06/02/2021 23:39

I think Cherry has hit the nail on the head.

He’s a grown man. His 18y/o is his responsibility - not yours so don’t feel guilty on that account.

You can’t carry on like this. Put you and your child first.

Iwonder08 · 07/02/2021 08:27

This is crazy, given you slept in different room he is probably very aware of the issues in your relationship. Does he raise it proactively? Does he tell you about concrete plans to sort out his finances and contribute more? If the answer is no then please give him 6 months notice. That should include his daughter unless you are incredibly fond of her

sorryiasked · 07/02/2021 08:32

Please don't put up with this any longer. Tell him that you need him to leave asap and put a deadline of maybe 6 weeks at most, not 6 months. He and his daughter are both adults. Your priorities must be your mental health and happiness, and that of your child.

Tigertealeaves · 07/02/2021 09:26

Why would they become homeless? Two adults who are capable of working and who are currently in a position of living rent free and being able to work in whatever job they can get and save some money up.

Surely the reason they are being supported by you is because they can, not because they have to?

You already gave him money to get back on his feet financially. What did he do with it..?

Porcupineintherough · 07/02/2021 11:00

If it's over tell him so and give him a deadline to make alternative living arrangements. Telling him he's got 6 weeks to find somewhere to live is not exactly chucking him onto the street.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 14:56

You’re not trapped. But you are a boiled frog who’s got used to doing everything while he takes the absolute piss.

Monthly rows aren’t normal and the atmosphere - caused by him - isn’t good for your little one.

Think of this way, every penny you’re using subsiding him and his adult child is one you’re taking away from your child and the life you can offer them.

Be very thankful you’re not married.

I agree that 6 weeks is plenty of notice. They’ll find a way to make it work, people always do.

Tbh the fact that you’re anticipating him getting nasty and trying to upset your very young child in revenge for you deciding you’ve had enough of his shit is sign enough it’s dead in the water. What an awful man.

Pat yourself on the back for seeing the light and start making plans for your brighter future.

If you’re worried about him getting violent or refusing to leave please ask a friend to be with you (this is allowed under the guidelines!!!) or call the police.

Teardrop2021 · 07/02/2021 15:06

He sounds like a cocklodger op give him 4 weeks notice to find somewhere else.

mootymoo · 07/02/2021 15:14

I would suggest talking seriously to him about how you feel, how you cannot live like this any longer. His 18 yr daughter could stay with you until he sorts himself out so I wouldn't put her into the equation, it's about your relationship. If he could sort himself out, could you try again? If so tell him, give him until the summer perhaps (once lockdown is over basically)

WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/02/2021 15:17

Another vote to get rid. Do either of them contribute much? A month is more than enough for them to be on their way

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 07/02/2021 15:57

Aww honey, I feel for you, its sodding awful feeling trapped like that. Absolutely what everyone above has said!
Extra possible option, could 18 yo be a stand alone lodger paying rent?
Be happy! You only have so many trips around the sun so spend them living your absolute best life ever!!! Xxx

Original poster
sowhatsnext · 07/02/2021 19:11

Eurgh ... thank you all for your comments. Writing it down I feel so ashamed that I’m in this situation.

Try to have a discussion this evening. Turned into an argument (mainly my fault as I get so angry at his total denial that anything is wrong) as he makes everything I say into me being unreasonable. Apparently I haven’t supported him enough, I don’t appreciate what he does do and I’m a horrible cold unempathetic bitch.

He’s clearly also bitched about me to stepdaughter as she’s now “too upset to even speak”.

I know he’s emotionally manipulating me but I feel like such a horrible person. I just don’t want to be with him and don’t want to have to support them any more 😕.

He’s already started on the “well there’s no point her calling me daddy as you’ll be replacing me soon enough” about our daughter diatribe of guilt as well.

I know I need to stand firm and clear this all out of my life but I just feel like it’s all so draining and overwhelming and I’m always going to be portrayed as 100% in the wrong 🙁.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2021 19:22

Given his attitude I would give him a small window to sort out a new place. No more than a month. You shouldn't have to help someone so unpleasant.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/02/2021 19:23

He’s clearly also bitched about me to stepdaughter as she’s now “too upset to even speak”.

In that case they must be too upset to keep living in your house. End of the week, bye bye. He doesn't work so that's more than enough time to pack.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 20:47

If they’re both so incredibly upset I’m sure they won’t want your cold cruel unsupportive hospitality for a moment longer than necessary Angry

Time to make plans for them to go ASAP. Why he thinks you’ll feel inclined to continue putting a roof over their ungrateful heads is a fucking mystery. Please keep posting for support here and talk to anyone you can trust in real life.

Original poster
sowhatsnext · 07/02/2021 21:16

That’s pretty much what I said - if I’m so awful why are u still here and why am I still paying?

Im Just totally sick of being told I’m horrible for asking for the situation to be discussed and for him to realise I’m not just a bloody cash machine. He seems to think that as I’m not struggling with it and “it’ll all come back to you some day” then I should just be totally ok 😕😕

Thank u for all the support btw, I totally thought I’d get shot down in flames as an idiot but your comments have actually been really helpful to read x

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 21:20

I agree, they need to be out within the month. They are both adults, they need to work and support themselves.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 21:26

What did he say to that?

Original poster
sowhatsnext · 07/02/2021 21:44

Just looped back to I don’t value his contribution (3 days childcare as I refused to pay for any more nursery days when there’s no cash coming in from his side!) plus probably 50% cooking and odd diy / car jobs. And I was so ungrateful blah blah blah ... 👎

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 07/02/2021 21:50

Try to have a discussion this evening. Turned into an argument (mainly my fault as I get so angry at his total denial that anything is wrong) as he makes everything I say into me being unreasonable. Apparently I haven’t supported him enough, I don’t appreciate what he does do and I’m a horrible cold unempathetic bitch

He’s clearly also bitched about me to stepdaughter as she’s now “too upset to even speak”

On this basis alone, throw him the fuck out. 1 month deadline.

He's in your home, benefitting from your money, and speaking to you like that?!

You are a very kind and patient person. In your shoes I'd have got rid of this millstone long ago.

As for "he said this or that" - So what, in the scheme of things?

Get him gone, and live your life.

Original poster
sowhatsnext · 07/02/2021 22:04

TBH the main reason I haven’t just kicked them both out is our little girl. She loves her dad so much (and he is genuinely good with her) and she has a lovely relationship with her step sister. I just feel like I’m not doing her justice by walking away - she didn’t choose to not live with her dad.

BUT I know equally what am I teaching her - that it’s totally ok to be disrespected and treated like a doormat? And to be unhappy myself.

OP posts:
Pleaseaddcaffine · 07/02/2021 22:34

Hard. I say that as I'm struggling here with similar.
If you've decided then no more chats or arguments. It's over you have x weeks to find somewhere new to live. If you want to help then hand over a list of rental agency details etc.
At 18 you can talk to dsc as they are an adult. Explain that te relationship isn't working, you love her and she's welcome to see her sibling whenever but you are sepersting. If you want to you can offer her to stay at x amount in board, but only if u choose to.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 07/02/2021 22:44

He is trying every manipulative tactic in the book. Blaming you. Future faking - implying he will pay you back eventually. Making you feel guilty. He is not a great dad if he is manipulating his child's mum and expecting you to bank roll him and his daughter. Like I said, he managed for a long time before you came along. Don't let him use your child as a weapon. He can be a good dad in his own house. Everything he says to you just say"I'm sorry you feel that way but you have 4 weeks" stop engaging now because he'll change tactics when he thinks you mean it. Rally round your support

DinosaurDiana · 08/02/2021 07:32

If you don’t do something about your situation the next 10 years will fly by and you’ll be nearly 50.
Do you want to still be living this life in 10 years, or do you want to change your situation and open yourself up to the possibility of a new partner and more children ?