Trapped

[sowhatsnext]

Posting on step parenting for hopefully some more understanding contributors.

Me and partner (together 5 years 15 yr age gap one child 3 yrs) live together in my house and I pay everything (inc. 2 days week nursery, he does 3 days childcare). His daughter (18) also lives with us.

Due to a lot of actually understandable reasons he lost his house and has always been self employed. I lent him some money to set himself up again. But over the last 2/3 years he’s done very little “work” and certainly nothing that contributes meaningfully to our financial life.

I’m totally sick of the situation and have lost all respect and any sense of this being a relationship. We have slept in separate rooms for past 6 months and tbh although I care about him and love the relationship he and our daughter have, I don’t have any connection to him. We spend v little time together other than meals (we probs cook 50/50).

However I feel totally trapped. I feel immensely guilty if I start to think about asking him and his daughter to leave - mainly as I feel that they have nowhere to go and no assets to fall back on; as I fear the impact a decision like that taken by me would have on our daughter (he’d spin me into the evil woman who kicked him out etc etc). I also worry that he’d end up being homeless.

I guess as things aren’t awful (we have rows probably monthly when I get sick of doing housework / get short of cash) but overall life ticks along ok. However I’m not even 40 yet and feel like my life could be just spent ticking over and look back entirely resentful and alone.

Don’t really know what I’m asking for other than peoples support.. sorry!

Hoof out the door his failings are not your responsibility

@sowhatsnext

I think you need to get comfortable with the fact that in his opinion 'it's all your fault'. You will not change his mind in this, it's how he avoids taking any responsibility for his actions (or lack of). You have to learn not to care what he thinks.

Ditto your DSD. She will of course love her dad, and emotionally she'll always side with him even if logically she knows he's behaved badly. It's unlikely you can change that. All you can do is tell her you love her and that she's welcome to visit but fundamentally it's up to her dad to finance his own life.

He sounds appalling, manipulative and lazy. Yes it will be tough to break up but are you really willing to sacrifice the rest of your life, and role modelling for your daughter to keep this manipulative work-shy arsehole happy?

Aaahhhhh am livid and needed to vent.

So tonight I’ve given our little one dinner, had a bit myself and stayed out the way. Just realised they’ve (partner and his daughter) had a takeaway ... fridge is full of leftovers, noones ever got anything to contribute to the weekly shop 🤬🤬🤬🤬

Have come on here to vent as simply can’t be bothered even trying to be rational 😠😠

I'm not surprised you need to vent. This sounds like the last straw. They have no respect for you, no consideration (didn't even ask if you wanted a takeaway). I'm so sorry @sowhatsnext.

You need to stop discussing the possibility of breaking up with him and just do it. No more talking. It's over, you know the reasons, you have one week to leave. Then don't speak with him further, if he keeps on repeat what you said and remove yourself from the conversation.

I'd usually recommend a month but this sounds like he could be particularly nasty so you need him out. Do you have someone who can stay with you for the notice period?

However find you are of DSD, she's his daughter and you don't want him having access to your home or life once he moves out. She'll have to go too. It's not your responsibility, they're both grown ups.