Partner wants joint christening

[Nics212]

My partner and I are expecting our first child together in the summer, he already has a 10yr old and we all get alone lovely, he also has a fantastic relationship with the mother. I can’t fault any of it.
My problem lies with a Conversation that was had last night.

I said from the start our baby will be christened and he wasn’t overly fussed by it but my reasoning was if he wants the baby to go to his school of choice it has to be christened.
His son was never christened and he’s been ok with that and it was never an issue.

Last night he told me that if the baby gets christened then he will get his older boy christened also. It never crossed my mind before but that would mean I would have to share my babies christening day with his ex and all her family and friends.
Am I being irrational to say I don’t want that? Christenings have always been a big thing in my family and now the thought of having to share it with his ex takes away all that special feeling and I just feel really odd about it. I don’t know how to approach it with my OH without sounding like a hormonal spoilt brat 😩

I would love to hear your opinions on this.

@Tiredoftattler
OP said nothing of the kind.
we all get alone lovely, he also has a fantastic relationship with the mother
It’s purely a matter of not wanting the awkwardness of a significant family occasion being shared with her partners ex and her family. Please don’t make OP out to be a bad person because of this

There is no small amount of irony in the fact that 2 women who are bringing their children to be Baptized as believers and practitioners of Christian beliefs and principals cannot stand together in the same church simply because they dislike each other.
Bollocks to every bit of this. You can be perfectly Christian and think it very awkward to have a family celebration where your dh is essentially there celebrating his two families. Christenings are quite parent oriented, they stand up there and vow to bring their child up in the Christian faith. Bloody awkward with your first and second wife! I’m assuming not Catholic as that would make it pretty awkward really.
It’s also irrelevant they are often group occasions as it’s this combination of parents with the dh having two roles that is awkward not some random baby who has two parents the op has never met. Not to mention they do all have parties (if allowed covid!) and it would be extremely unusual to either share the party with exs family or be happy with your dh splitting his time. I’d just say you’ve waited 10 years so no urgency, I’m not going in on a joint arrangement but your ds should come and it can help him decide if he wants to as well, as at his age it’s his choice.

If the XW had been a Christian, bringing the child up in her denomination, wouldn't he have been done by now? Unless adult baptism, in which case she wouldn't want him done yet.

This isn't two women pitted against each other - OP does say that XW knows anything about this at all. It's the DH's idea - one that I think is unsuitable unless DSS actively want to join that church and will do the necessary prep for Christening at that age, probably combined with a First Communion or full Confirmation

As a Christian, if DSD wanted to be baptised, she can be baptised on a different day. Quite aside from the fact that we as a family go to church whereas DSD doesn't go with her Mum and they live 40 mins down the road so would go to separate churches anyway if they did, I just don't think it's appropriate to have ExW at my baby's christening AND to have DH standing by ExW's side and then by my side. Although our church tends to only do one or two at a time anyway, it isn't a whole group affair like some churches.

I really don't think YABU nor do I think it is unChristian to not want to share the day. But given that he's 10, I don't understand why your DH would all of a sudden think his DS wants to be baptised?

Sorry, I should specify. I don't think it's unChristian to not want to share the day with ExWife.

@Tiredoftattler Others have already answered your question well, but I certainly see a lot of irony in people jumping straight to shaming people in the name of Christianity, yes. As if this is the worst thing Christian's have ever done 🙄

There are all sorts of logistical reasons why this is a silly idea. First and foremost being the lack of interest from DSS and his mum, who should be instrumental in the decision to have him baptised, rather than it just being done "so everything is equal between HIS kids". With the best will in the world, neither OP nor his ex might want the headache of organising an event remotely between the two of them, and it wouldn't work if they had separate parties. It's adding a whole load of logistical considerations just in the name of both of his kids HAVING to have the same thing at the same time, as though that were essential or even a source of sadness for DSS, which there's absolutely no evidence it is. So with that in mind, where on Earth is the harm in mentioning it might also make some of the people involved uncomfortable? Why is it more Christian to insist they must martyr themselves and be comfortable with doing it, when nobody is bothered by them NOT doing it on the same day?

You dress your comments up as logical and "mature" but in reality they are always the same - The step parent is in the wrong for considering themselves at all. They must be chastised and implied to be petty and childish, even if it's over a matter that nobody involved is even bothered about. I don't see that as very Christian at all, certainly not the positive side of Christianity.

A lot of christenings/baptisms are joint and a number of children are baptised together so a lot of the time you don't have a choice.
We celebrated our child's baptism in the middle of mass so she could be welcomed into her parish family.
Due to covid churches are shut and only open for funerals atm. When the churches were open only a certain number of people could attend a baptism.
You haven't gave off any vibe that you want your child baptised in your family church, only that you want them to go to a certain school and that they're a big deal in your family.
I'm offended by that

Hell No!

@aSofaNearYou
I offered my pov in response to the situation presented by the OP. Given that there have been varied responses, it is obvious that there is no universal SM point of view.

You seem to talley my responses as though this were some type of debate forum. My responses to different questions or situations may be similar because of my values, life guiding principles and experiences.

Perhaps, when you post or respond , you are responding as the arbiter and pontiff of the universal step mother point of view. Sadly for me, I do not have that much wisdom or authority. At best, I only speak , based upon my experience and beliefs.

At best, I only speak , based upon my experience and beliefs
Or, as you have here, speak based upon not having read the OPs post properly before leaping to the wrong conclusion at breakneck speed, because that’s the conclusion you were going to reach regardless.

@Youseethethings
What wrong conclusions did I reach ? When distilled, you has the OP and her partner ech deciding for reasons of their own deciding to have both of the children Baptized ,based upon the limited amount of information given neither party made the decision based upon some deeply felt religious commitment or belief. OP was driven by family tradition and the desire to secure a spot in a given schoo,l and the partner seems to have been motivated by the thought that if Baptism is good enough for one it is probably just as good for both.

The question of how the child feels is largely irrelevant for this discussion because essentially 1 child is to young to consent and the older seems not to be given the opportunity to have input. In any case the church will likely have policies that govern the Baptism of people who have reached the age of reason or consent. Those policies will be controlling and so discussion of how the.ex or son feels is not relevant in this particular discussion. They will have to comply and meet the requirements set by the church.

I think the only real point of contention Is the OPs not wanting to have to share an occasion that in many churches would involve communal participation by everyone present. In our parish, Baptisms, pre COVID, were held during Mass and witnessed in the presence of everyone who happened to attend that particular Mass. People over the age of 12 had to respond for themselves that they were agreeing to the requirements and for children under the age of 12, the sponsor/ godparents spoke for them.

The OP and her partner are not required to have the same thoughts about this event. It is not likely to be the only time that they have differing views. Neither has the right to impose their particular wants or wishes upon the other. They alone will have to find the path to compromise that works for them.

All relationships have both conflicts and compromises. These issues are not just a part of step or blended families, and as far as I know there is no universal step mother point of view. Reasonable and rational adults will have to make decisions in the manner that is both respectful of and accepting of the differing beliefs , feelings and baggage that they each bring to their relationship table.

Didn’t read all that, not relevant.
Your in built guiding principles concluded that the reason OP isn’t happy with this is that she doesn’t like her.
The very first paragraph states the exact opposite.
That’s my point.

@Tiredoftattler Yes, but as ever your idea of compromise seems to be to shame the step parent for their opinion (on this occasion through accusations of being un-christian) so they defer to your perceived notion that the other person is the one in the right. There is no compromise on the subject of having the Christening joint, they either do or they don't. What compromise would you suggest? Your idea of compromise seems to strongly resemble the parent always getting their way.

It isn't irrelevant that the step son and his mum have expressed no interest in this notion, of course it isn't. The fact that this isn't instigated by the step son himself feeling he wants to be baptised with his sibling means that there is no real reason OPs discomfort needs to be ignored. There is no conflict of discomforts/needs. There is just one person who feels uncomfortable with something that isn't necessary, being told they are a bad person to feel that way and must go through with it. This is a very common theme from your responses to a vast majority of threads. It is a default opinion of bias and derision, though you always phrase it as if you are advocating balance and compromise.

@aSofaNearYou
One simple compromise could be a joint Baptism with the OP having her own family celebration after the Baptism. The OP's ex would also be free to celebrate or not afterwards in at whatever fashion that she might or might not choose to do. The ex could easily decide not to attend at all.

The OP's partner could spend time at one or both events if 2 after celebrations were planned. This would allow the OP's son to be Baptized as is her family tradition and it would permit the partner's desire to have a convenient 2 for 1 type experience for both of his kids.

The OP would only have to tolerate the presence of the ex in the church assuming that the ex would even choose to attend. The OP 's partner would get the " 2 fer" that he seems to want.Both would get aspects of that which they desire, and the major wants of both would be met.
The OP and her partner entered into a relationship that involves more than just the 2 of them; like it or not ,many of their decisions will of necessity involve multiple people and conflicting opinions. If they had only the 1 child and no other children or parents involved their options might be different sometimes in an intact first family the conflict involves deciding whether to Baptize at all or in to which religious sect to Baptize and which side of the family will have its traditions honored. These types of conflicts and issues are universal to all family types and are not SM specific.

@Tireoftattler In that scenario OPs husband and all of his side of the family would have to choose which child's celebration to attend. And as others have said, the church part itself might be the bit that is uncomfortable, as he would have to stand and make proclamations with both of them. Others attending might find this odd too.

Siblings are not usually Christened at the same time because they are born at different times. This is not a tradition the step son would be missing out on. It is simply not necessary for the ceremony to be joint, so lambasting OP for her selfishness and daring to question something that was proposed in relation to her step son shows clear and unwavering bias. You simply want OP to feel she must compromise because to your mind, that is what step parents should have to do in all things.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Are you christian? Because if you were you would find joy in this and if you aren’t then no point christening your baby either.

🙄

If my DH had suggested this, I'd have laughed and asked when he'd ever taken his DS to church, to suddenly want him baptised

In all seriousness, I see where you are coming from OP. I'd point out to your DP that he has waited 10 years to take this step for his DS, so if he holds it a few weeks after yours, it isn't going to make any difference, and he's welcome to organise it as such.m, but definitely not at the same time.

*I'd put money on the event not happening if your DP has to liaise with the priest, organise it with his EXDW, sort outfits and arrange a celebration afterwards himself!

Never mind the religious aspect of the christening...
Let say you go ahead with it and have a joint party and let's assume its post covid...

Who's paying for it all?
Oh what an amazing idea to go halvsies... Now lets see... Who is deciding budget... Well I don't want to spend £500 on a christening so lower your budget... Well I want my child to have a christening that's a bit better than what £200 can provide so up yours... I cant up mine without you upping yours because other wise it won't be halvsies anymore.
OK ok we'll just come back to the budget later so let's look at everything else now shall we.
Who is deciding where the after party is? Who is doing the catering? Has the division of labour been split equally? If the other mother is sorting catering is it to your taste, if you are sorting the venue is it to the other mothers taste? Who does decorations? What happens if you don't want Captain America/gothic chic /spiderman/pink fondant fanciful fairies/blue lagoon with mermaids and pirates/alternative modern dinosaur decorations? What do you mean you want a rock metal band for entertainment... Its a christening for gods sake obviously it's got to be a rave DJ!!! How many people can the venue hold? 100... But hang on, I have a massive family and add on friends then it's 85 people already... What do you mean I can only have 15 guests at my child's christening. I don't like the other mothers best friends new boyfriend so I don't want him at my childs christening... Err, excuse me, who the hell do you think you are telling me I can't have who I want at my child's christening.
Who's getting the cake?
Oh you're getting 2 cakes, awesome idea... Who the actual F ate the last of my kids cake... Oh the other mothers 2nd cousin twice removed... Well you should have eaten the other cake!!! What do you mean other mother is wearing pink, I wanted to wear pink and the list goes on and on and on and on.
There is a reason eloping to get married is still so popular.
I'm sure there are people out there who could pull off a joint christening and have the most amazing day and be a shining example to us all...
I on the other hand like things done exactly how I like things done and anything less makes me want to combust.
I guess what I'm trying to say in my usual, long winded, is she pissed, no not yet, kind of way is... There is definitely a lot to consider with this one!

And let's not forget we still haven't sorted the budget...

😂 @justriseaboveitkiddo

Brilliant comment, which perfectly illustrates why expecting two separate people to remotely organise a joint celebration is an ill thought out idea, even if there is no underlying awkwardness between them.

Exactly what @Justriseaboveitkiddo said- would be an absolute nightmare and I would say 100% not in a million years no chance. My step sister actually did this but didn't invite her ex or his girlfriend and other kids (she did invite his mum and sister as they're alright). He spent 18m in jail for breaking her jaw so she was perfectly within her rights to do that but I still think it was a bit weird for her oldest to only have half her family there while her younger sister had her whole family. Not something I would ever choose to do

I'd point out to your DP that he has waited 10 years to take this step for his DS, so if he holds it a few weeks after yours, it isn't going to make any difference, and he's welcome to organise it as such.m, but definitely not at the same time

I'd put money on the event not happening if your DP has to liaise with the priest, organise it with his EXDW, sort outfits and arrange a celebration afterwards himself!

^This! And I also agree with the other posters saying it’s better if your DP realises early on that not everything has to be combined and for both children. There will - and should - be tons of things that he does just with or for his DS.

This an example of what happens when people decide to reproduce without clarifying their views on important issues such as finances, parenting , religious training of future children ,etc.

This child has not yet been born and there is already conflict related to both religion and differing parenting concepts.

This situation vividly demonstrates when relationships evolve in the absence of discussion, mutual agreement and compatibility.

Perhaps this may encourage OP and her partner to have these major discussions before they contemplate marriage if in fact they have not taken that step.

Given the varied nature of relationship structures and family configurations in society today, I doubt many ministers or priests are off put by the configuration of any families that they now encounter .
Equally so, extended family members are becoming accustomed to having to split time between events for these increasingly varied family structures.

It is often difficult to want to be experienced and treated in the manner common to traditional practices when the new family constructs do not always resemble anything close to traditional.

It is not unlike my saying, I want my family to treat me as a new bride when I have lived with my fiance for 4 years and have given birth to 2 children within that time. Sometimes our life choices and decisions move us somewhat out of the range where the traditional becomes the necessarily reasonable or most appropriate course of action.

Who would ever think that the possibility that some fool might decide that the baby shouldn’t be allowed it’s own Christening celebration was something that would have to be discussed prior to pregnancy?

Youseethethingis

Who would ever think that the possibility that some fool might decide that the baby shouldn’t be allowed it’s own Christening celebration was something that would have to be discussed prior to pregnancy?

You mean you didn't have this conversation before you had children??? Why ever not???

Has he said why he suddenly wants his 10 year old christened? Seems a bit weird!