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Original poster

Partner wants joint christening

78 replies

Nics212 · 05/02/2021 13:11

My partner and I are expecting our first child together in the summer, he already has a 10yr old and we all get alone lovely, he also has a fantastic relationship with the mother. I can’t fault any of it.
My problem lies with a Conversation that was had last night.

I said from the start our baby will be christened and he wasn’t overly fussed by it but my reasoning was if he wants the baby to go to his school of choice it has to be christened.
His son was never christened and he’s been ok with that and it was never an issue.

Last night he told me that if the baby gets christened then he will get his older boy christened also. It never crossed my mind before but that would mean I would have to share my babies christening day with his ex and all her family and friends.
Am I being irrational to say I don’t want that? Christenings have always been a big thing in my family and now the thought of having to share it with his ex takes away all that special feeling and I just feel really odd about it. I don’t know how to approach it with my OH without sounding like a hormonal spoilt brat 😩

I would love to hear your opinions on this.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 05/02/2021 15:13

And assuming you are in the UK, I wouldn't get your hopes up for a big christening anyway. There's every chance your DS would be 11 or 12 before that can happen.

RedMarauder · 05/02/2021 16:00

OP tell your DP if his 10 year old wants to be Christened it should be done at a different time.

That way the 10 year old can have all the attention on them from family and friends.

Alexandernevermind · 05/02/2021 16:06

I think a man wanting his two children from different mothers Christened at the same time is bloody weird! Which mother and child does he stand with, or does he stand between the two of you. Do you have a big joint party afterwards? It's almost Mormonish and the Vicar will dine out on it for years.

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2021 16:18

*But yes, if elder DC wanted to be christened then I think you're being unfair to demand it isn't with your baby.

Have the party, and agree he does an hour at each party of you don't want a combined one
Although what a way to show both children the meaning of love and family than to have a joint one*

If it's just a case of both children wanting to be Christened, what on earth is the point of doing it at the same ceremony, but awkwardly having two separate parties that their dad and his side of the family would all have to pick out of? It makes far more sense to do it on different days, unless the point of doing it is just to make a statement that the 10 year old is not being left out. If that's the case, it sets a very weird precedent of the youngest child not being able to have anything for themselves if the 10 year old must be involved even in the things usually associated just with babies. As if anyone would attend a babies Christening and think "what about their older sibling?"

Will they have to have joint birthday parties etc as well?

Watchingbehindmyhands · 05/02/2021 16:20

Has anybody asked the child and/or his mum what they want?

Religion comes under 'parental responsibility'. My children aren't christened for a reason. You tried to push that onto my child - even in the name of school admissions - and I would be making court applications.

If you consider yourself to be Christian, I am not sure that it matters who many people are being christened. If it's for the school place, well, that's pretty piss poor behaviour too but I guess lots of people do it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/02/2021 16:25

At 10 I think it would be hard to persuade a child to be christened. I think the Vicar would expect the child to express a clear wish to take part at that age too.

One other thing to think about. In the future there will be many shared events. Birthdays, weddings, grandchildren etc. A christening might be a good event to start with, babies are great for helping people get along because they are so cute.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/02/2021 16:28

As DP actually specifically said he would want a joint christening?
Or just that he might want them both to be christened?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/02/2021 16:29

*has not as

Babdoc · 05/02/2021 16:42

It’s a different ceremony for older children - or at least it is in my church. The older child has to a) consent and b) make some of the vows himself.
We also conduct baptisms singly - they are certainly not done in “batches”, but during the children’s part of the service after the opening call to worship and first hymn.
It’s a special occasion for the parents, and the minister carries the baby round the whole congregation for everyone to see, before we all sing “the Lord bless thee and keep thee”.
Older children do not (obviously) get carried round!
There might not be time within the service to conduct two completely different baptism rites, and I can see it would be very awkward to have all the ex’s relatives there too. And how would you manage the joint party afterwards?
Surely you can just tell DH that this isn’t suitable?

Youseethethingis · 05/02/2021 16:53

One other thing to think about. In the future there will be many shared events. Birthdays, weddings, grandchildren etc. A christening might be a good event to start with, babies are great for helping people get along because they are so cute
Birthdays are usually about the person who was born on that date and weddings are traditionally about the couple who are getting married.
Trying to shoehorn and older child into events which aren’t about them (because God forbid anything should just be about their sibling) isn’t a great precedent at all.
We’ve all read the threads with the dreadful brats who must have a present on their cousins/siblings/friends birthday because otherwise it’s just not faaaaaair haven’t we?
Why start down that road?

Santaiscovidfree · 05/02/2021 16:58

Bloody ridiculous..
Red flag imo. One of THOSE bloody df's...

ZoomMullet · 05/02/2021 17:08

YABU

SoupDragon · 05/02/2021 17:10

my reasoning was if he wants the baby to go to his school of choice it has to be christened

Not because you are a practising Christian then?

PanamaPattie · 05/02/2021 17:23

Where you married in church? Do you attend services and are you part of the church community?

Lorw · 05/02/2021 19:56

You shouldn’t have to share such a special day if you don’t want to, it is your child. It’s not about your step son and not everything needs to be about him, and that’s regardless of having to be in close contact with the ex and family. Ugh. No. Just no. Stand your ground OP!

NatashaAlianovaRomanova · 05/02/2021 20:09

Any christening/baptism I have been to, including my own & that of my children, have been held as part of the normal Sunday service & when I was baptised as an adult there were 4 of us done in the same service.

It sounds like you are having the baby christened for various reasons: it's the done thing in your family, for a school place, for the party... no mention of your own or your partners faith.

Agree with PP's you don't seem very Christian wanting to actively exclude DSC from being involved in the celebration.

As an aside I have 3 cousins - 2 were christened & one was not this caused a lot of resentments they were growing up & the 2 christened sisters got more celebrations such as their first holy communion & the un-christened sister didn't.

user1493413286 · 05/02/2021 20:40

Me and DH have had some similar conversations; we have 2 DC and a DSD who was upset when we got the first DC christened and had been asking questions about if we’ll have our second DC christened. We wondered about having her christened at the same time but I don’t want to share my DCs christening with his ex’s family; i wouldn’t feel comfortable and I want to enjoy it and have control over the arrangements. There are many compromises I make as a step parent and this just isn’t one of them. I’ve said that if DSD is to be christened then it can be a separate event which I’m happy to help arrange etc and do everything I can but it won’t be at the same time as our DC

Notcrackersyet · 05/02/2021 21:18

@GrumpyHoonMain

Are you christian? Because if you were you would find joy in this and if you aren’t then no point christening your baby either.
Favourite thing I’ve read on the step board fir a while. Deserves a card!!
AngelsWithSilverWings · 05/02/2021 21:27

Have you got a Vicar who would agree to perform the baptism for them both? My DFIL is a retired CofE Vicar and he had a policy of not agreeing to do Christenings unless the family were already established members of the congregation. He would only offer a service of thanksgiving instead as part of the usual Sunday morning service. Not sure if that's unusual though.

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2021 22:42

Are you christian? Because if you were you would find joy in this and if you aren’t then no point christening your baby either.

🤣 Ah the traditional Christian "kindness"/judgment of others.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/02/2021 22:57

@AngelsWithSilverWings

Have you got a Vicar who would agree to perform the baptism for them both? My DFIL is a retired CofE Vicar and he had a policy of not agreeing to do Christenings unless the family were already established members of the congregation. He would only offer a service of thanksgiving instead as part of the usual Sunday morning service. Not sure if that's unusual though.
I don’t think this is true any more. I help at Sunday school and when we have a baptism it is more often than not of a family that I have never seen before. I think it is lovely. Means we get lots for Sunday school which livens the place up a bit. I generally change the emphasis a bit when we have extras in to be more “Christians believe” than “we believe”. All kids should get to hear some bible stories - they form an important part of British culture and history even if you are not a Christian yourself.

Thinking about it I think it changed about 8 or 9 years ago, when we had Dd (now 10) baptised the vicar’s secretary quizzed me a bit on my reasoning. With ds (now 7) I phoned up, said I wanted my son baptised and they said “ooh - how lovely, how about on the 16th?”

Tiredoftattler · 06/02/2021 00:01

There is no small amount of irony in the fact that 2 women who are bringing their children to be Baptized as believers and practitioners of Christian beliefs and principals cannot stand together in the same church simply because they dislike each other.
It does not speak well of the Christian beliefs and practices that at least one of them seems to think important.

I am always amazed at the amount of vitriol and intolerance that can find the way in discussion centered around religious events.
I guess the notion of loving and accepting your neighbor is just for fairy tales and Bible school lessons.

aSofaNearYou · 06/02/2021 00:19

@Tiredoftattler No question of whether the DSS or his mother even want him to be baptised at this time then, just straight to berating stepparents as usual.

Tiredoftattler · 06/02/2021 00:36

There was no berating only an appreciation of irony. It is not uncommon ,in my experience , to hear what sounds like hypocrisy in conversations involving religious events, and those things have nothing to do with marital or parental status.

Do you not appreciate the irony in someone saying that they cannot be present in a house of worship with someone that they dislike?

Sisterlove · 06/02/2021 00:55

What denominations of christianity is it, as whether it could happen depends on that in the first place.

Catholic schools being good is not a myth either. Results in many areas are proof of this.

They should be done on separate days regardless though IMO.

Pp saying you're not very Christian are missing or not able to understand your feelings.

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