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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wants joint christening

78 replies

Nics212 · 05/02/2021 13:11

My partner and I are expecting our first child together in the summer, he already has a 10yr old and we all get alone lovely, he also has a fantastic relationship with the mother. I can’t fault any of it.
My problem lies with a Conversation that was had last night.

I said from the start our baby will be christened and he wasn’t overly fussed by it but my reasoning was if he wants the baby to go to his school of choice it has to be christened.
His son was never christened and he’s been ok with that and it was never an issue.

Last night he told me that if the baby gets christened then he will get his older boy christened also. It never crossed my mind before but that would mean I would have to share my babies christening day with his ex and all her family and friends.
Am I being irrational to say I don’t want that? Christenings have always been a big thing in my family and now the thought of having to share it with his ex takes away all that special feeling and I just feel really odd about it. I don’t know how to approach it with my OH without sounding like a hormonal spoilt brat 😩

I would love to hear your opinions on this.

OP posts:

NannyR · 05/02/2021 13:18

Does the 10 year old actually want to be baptised? At that age, I don't think that a minister would baptise a child unless they specifically requested it themselves. If they do want to be baptised then surely that's a cause for celebration and as a Christian you would be welcoming it.

wizzbangfizz · 05/02/2021 13:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to want that. Maybe he is worried his son will feel left out? Even if he is I still don't think you need to have him christened at the same time as your baby.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/02/2021 13:19

Are you christian? Because if you were you would find joy in this and if you aren’t then no point christening your baby either.

ButtonMoonPie · 05/02/2021 13:25

Is the christening about the party and the school admissions or about welcoming your baby in to the church?
If it's the party only then it makes sense you don't want to share it but if you want a Christian day of celebration I would have thought it's a more the merrier sort of situation.

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2021 13:28

Yeah, I wouldn’t like that either. Two separate ones would be better. Why is he so bothered about getting his older one christened though if your dc is only be christened for the school choice? He’s almost finished primary school! Is it because of secondary school, or is it because he wants to do it for the sake of it?

If I’m honest, catholic school doesn’t always equal the best and I think it’s a bit a of a myth. My former dsc was christened and ended up leaving their catholic school in year 5 and went to my dc’s county primary school for their last two years of primary school.

Unless you’re catholic and that’s why you want your dc christened. In which case you’ll be picking the catholic school anyway.

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2021 13:31

Oh, and former dsc is not even a tiny little bit catholic. Their mum just thought catholic school meant “the best” and like it’s some sort of likeness to private school education or something.

helpmum2003 · 05/02/2021 13:33

What is your relationship like with the ex?

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2021 13:38

Of course you're not being unreasonable, "I don't want to spend the day with ex and her family" is all the explanation you need to give, there's absolutely no reason it needs to be done on the same day. He can't just get a 10 year old baptised without asking them or their mum, though, what is he thinking?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/02/2021 13:39

If christenings are an important celebration in your family I can understand why you wouldn’t to share it with DH’s ex. It’s not just about the christening, it’s for the whole family to celebrate the arrival of the baby really.

If his son wants to get christened then it could be separate... but then I feel like it would be weird to have a christening party for a 10 year old... so then DP might object to having a christening party for one and not the other.

EdithWeston · 05/02/2021 13:41

At age 10, the DC will need to be actively involved in the decision to adopt the faith.

Christenings are often shared, because churches tend to do them in batches (maybe one Sunday a month) and generally discourage private ones. Though of course that might all be a bit different depending on covid regulations.

So YABU to expect exclusivity at a Christening

But YABNU about this being a bit weird to have these two together. I think better to encourage DSS to attend confirmation classes, and have his Christening immediately before his Confirmation (check with parish priest about when next preparation classes are) - double celebration for him, and more in keeping with nature of religious commitment for DC that age

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2021 13:42

Such a strange thing to be jealous over not being equal, though. It's a baby, you don't need to celebrate all older children every time a child is born.

catatecheese · 05/02/2021 13:48

Umm you don't sound very Christian, i assume this is about a party and school admission??? maybe get married at the same time or in all honesty it does look a little silly and eye rollingly fake having a christening!
Probably you will find DSC doesn't actually want to be christened and spend Sunday s in church with you. Because having promised to bring up your child religiously you will of course spend Sundays In worship from now on will you not???

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 05/02/2021 13:52

Agreed it all depends on why. If he's worried about him being left out could he be a witness or have a blessing?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 05/02/2021 13:56

Actually you probably need to be christened to be a witness so forget that one.

Toorapid · 05/02/2021 13:57

What does the 10yo and his mother think about this idea? I can't imagine them being thrilled either. I'm also not sure a 10yo is christened in the same way a baby is, wouldn't the child have to show some desire and understanding of what it all means?

Youseethethingis · 05/02/2021 14:25

I’d maybe ask him if he has considered the implications of them both being christened together. He’s probably thinking “what a nice day for both my children”, not really looking at the bigger family picture.
Christenings are as much about the family getting together to celebrate baby’s birth as they are the religious part IMHO, so I can underwent you wouldn’t want your partners ex involved in this milestone for your baby.

EdithWeston · 05/02/2021 14:29

@catatecheese

Umm you don't sound very Christian, i assume this is about a party and school admission??? maybe get married at the same time or in all honesty it does look a little silly and eye rollingly fake having a christening! Probably you will find DSC doesn't actually want to be christened and spend Sunday s in church with you. Because having promised to bring up your child religiously you will of course spend Sundays In worship from now on will you not???

I took the OP to mean that she is the religious one, and that christenings are a big deal in her family. And the point about schools was to win over irreligious DH, not her motivation at all

SpongebobNoPants · 05/02/2021 14:37

My DS hasn’t been christened for similar reasons.

My Ex and I split when our son was only a couple of months old (we’d actually split whilst I was pregnant and never really recovered from it). I met my now DP shortly after DS’s first birthday.

My older DD was baptised as my family are catholic (I’m not really religious anymore but I did it to appease the wider family).

My DS hasn’t been baptised because

I wouldn’t do it without my ex there as it’s his son
Although everyone gets on ok now, I have no desire to spend any sort of celebration with my ex, his friends or family
I wouldn’t want to make my DP feel uncomfortable either. We’ve been together 5.5 years now and I wouldn’t put him through it

Tell your partner that you’re not comfortable with doing that because you don’t want to celebrate with his ex and her wider circle

excelledyourself · 05/02/2021 14:57

Christening or Catholic baptism? Because the two are quite different, if it's a Catholic baptism, that is only the first of several sacraments to be received - first holy communion, first confession, confirmation. Does he want all that for his son? And more importantly, does his son? The son would need to attend chapel regularly before any of this could happen, possibly even special classes (I had to do something similar as a child his age, which I have just remembered because of this thread!)

selflove · 05/02/2021 14:58

I don't get your issue with it. Churches very very rarely hold just a single baptism - the majority baptise multiple children on the same day, so it's very unlikely your baby would be the only child there anyway, and I'd much rather my child's sibling be one of the other baptised children there as opposed to other kids I've never met.

I also think it's actually really lovely to do both kids together. In step parenting, you often have to think "what's in the kids best interest" (and not focus on what you want/what's in your best interest), and I think siblings getting baptised together is much lovelier and has far more unity than making them do it separately on different days, just because you don't want your ex and her family there.

HollowTalk · 05/02/2021 15:01

I don't think it's the fact her step son would be christened at the same time that is the issue, more that the ex, her family and friends would be there. Who would want that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2021 15:04

How does the other mum feel about this? There must have been a reason they didn’t have him christened as a baby. Would she want to spend the day with you and your family?

It sounds poorly thought through on his part and unless he’s got some very solid reasoning it seems like he respects your baby doing something his son didn’t do, which is ridiculous and sets a precedent for how he’ll manage to parent them both so I’d keep a look out for similar stupid suggestions and have some discussions now while you’ve got the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/02/2021 15:05

Sp you're just having a christening for the party and school application?

Has he explained why he wants them christened? Does the child's mom agree? Does the child?

It's possible he's said it on the spur of the minute without thinking it through because he doesn't want older DC to miss out.

But yes, if elder DC wanted to be christened then I think you're being unfair to demand it isn't with your baby.

Have the party, and agree he does an hour at each party of you don't want a combined one
Although what a way to show both children the meaning of love and family than to have a joint one

AlternativePerspective · 05/02/2021 15:06

Does the 10 year old want to be christened?

TBH it won’t only be your baby being christened on the day anyway, so you would have to go somewhere else for the party. So presumably if the DSS were christened his family could have a party in their own right.

So to say that you wouldn’t want dp’s ex and his family at your baby’s christening is unreasonable given that they wouldn’t actually be at your baby’s christening but at their own.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/02/2021 15:11

Ah @AlternativePerspective but if both kids have seperate parties Daddy will have to split himself between two, opening it up to "Aibu that DH is refusing to attend all our child's christening party"

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