Life after SP / blended relationship breakdown

[sassbott]

So I thought I’d post this as I’ve noticed on some of the threads, a fair few relationships (in the step parenting category) have broken down. What does life look like for some of you post that breakdown?

I’ll share my high level story. Separated from exh some 7-8 years ago. Wasn’t my choice, but got on with the divorce. Didn’t ever need court, all done through mediation. Exh and I are very amicable and children move between us circa 60/40%. My children are now teen/ pre- teen (just). Zero drama and on the whole my co-parenting life is peaceful.

Met my exp 5 years ago. He had been separated for well over 18 months, divorce nearly finalised when we met. Lovely honeymoon period initially, then the EXW found out about us and it really hit the fan.

Despite that we introduced the children first to one another then to each other about 12 months into the relationship. My children have a good relationship with him (my exh is supportive so no conflict). I had no meaningful relationship with his children (due largely to the EXW not giving the children permission to bond).

We never lived together or mixed financials. But 5 years is a long time of ‘trying’. Anyways, it’s over. Has been for a good while and I sit here and think what’s next?

Bluntly? I don’t want to date a man with young children. I don’t want to date a man who has even a smidge of conflict with their exwife. I can’t even contemplate introducing anyone to my children again (certainly until they are young adults themselves). So I just think, is this it? Am I now going to be single until my children are grown up?

It’s ok btw, if that is how it turns out. I have a great career, good friends, hobbies (pre covid) I enjoy. I guess it just makes me sad that I’ll be alone (in an intimate sense) for the forseeable future.

What has anyone else’s story been who found themselves in my situation?

Hi sassbot. This thread definitely applies to me.

First up, it sounds like you have a really good co parenting relationship with your children’s father. That’s exactly what you want!

Me and my ex get on (I have the patience of a saint that’s why), but he’s very hard work. At the moment he’s been having to see the kids at my house. Long long story to go with that.
He doesn’t work and doesn’t pay maintenance. I’m fine about the money - I just want him to leave me alone and be a dad to his kids and stand on his own two feet like a grown arsed man.

Bluntly? I don’t want to date a man with young children. I don’t want to date a man who has even a smidge of conflict with their exwife. I can’t even contemplate introducing anyone to my children again (certainly until they are young adults themselves). So I just think, is this it? Am I now going to be single until my children are grown up?

Yep. I know what you mean.
I do not want to be with a man with young children. I have no interest in being in a stepmum role towards anyone else’s children after already doing it once for 10 years. I’d be absolutely crazy to do it again.
And as for ex wives, I’m done with them too. Well, the bad ones at least. I can’t be doing with another woman in the background thinking she’s my boss 🤢 Fuck. That.
And also I really don’t want to introduce someone to my children. It just sounds really hard work. Not until they’re much older anyway.

A whole combination of things contributed towards us splitting up. Mainly HIM and his behaviour. He was abusive both emotionally and physically and has a drinking problem. He was also very lazy and had no ambition, caused the children we have together to go without and job hopped the whole time we were together. He made no effort to make the house nice of improve anything in our lives. Just thought we should plod through life and our children have a half life. All of his problems caused huge issues within me regarding stepparenting. I found it extremely difficult at times when it could have been so much easier if he’d have just been a normal person. If that makes sense.

Also his ex played a massive part in it too. I’m just glad she doesn’t have a leg to stand on anymore with regards to me and my children. I’m just getting on with my life now with my children and it’s been so liberating. Even a year on it’s still a novelty waking up everyday knowing I’m my own boss and I don’t have to answer to ex or his ex wife. Absolute bliss!

My children are a lot brighter and happier now. They don’t go without, they’re doing well at school, they have more space now at home etc... All of those positives are a win for me every single day and reinforce how much I have improved their lives just by asking their father to leave.

I keep in touch with former dsc. They are 15 now and actually a very good friend to me now. Our relationship had become better now that I’m not being forced to be pseudo mum. Sounds awful but I like dsc now more than I did when they were a young child. Back then I it was all parenting someone else’s child. Now we have mutual interests and can have a grown up conversation. They are great company nowadays, especially now I have no parental responsibility and can be more like an aunt figure.
My children love them and vice versa and I will always encourage a positive sibling relationship between them. Before this current lockdown, former dsc would come round for tea sometimes.

Wow that was a long post

@funinthesun19 thanks for posting.

Wow your life seems so different - it’s so lovely to hear the children are happier and brighter, well done you!

I suppose I don’t have those very visible benefits myself. Due to the fact that we never lived together, when I saw that things were not going well/ his children were deeply conflicted I removed my children from most contact. I basically shielded them from a lot of the problems. So they have sort of been unaffected (if that makes sense) by my exp and his children and the non stop conflict in his life.

The biggest change is for me personally. The removal of the pressure of trying to make this work, of forcing myself to see his children, of the punctuation of pure nasty emails from the EXW, the little stories shared (re the children) that absolutely horrified me and made me really worry about the impact to the children (the mother essentially clearly being very hostile about my exp and the children being under no illusions about how their mother felt). It used to be so stressful.
The thought of this all being in my life for the rest of my life (this continuing into their world as young adults potentially) felt really overwhelming emotionally.
Not to mention how low down the pecking order my needs consistently came.

My home is now very peaceful (as is my life). There are pretty much no arguments, no conflict. My time is mine 100% to spend as I wish. Honestly? I wake up and think I love this constancy and lack of ups / downs/ drama.
I am relieved that none of my weekends see me trying to play happy families. I very happily spend them with my own little happy unit.

It’s sad. The relationship had potential. But when there is so much drama around the children / EXW and the new partner refuses to engage/ whip up their own drama. There’s no competition.
I never stood a chance really.

Cannot even begin to think about what dating post Covid would even look like.

I hear you sassbott. It’s a tough place to find yourself in, grieving after what could have been and not knowing what’s ahead. Being aware that the ‘ahead’ bit is not going to be easy. I feel I’m heading towards where you are now.

I’m still with my oh, we recently had a short spell of living together (not anymore) which was a real eye opener. I’ve realised I became the scapegoat in his never ending conflict with exw. Her absolutely vile, hateful, evil comments about me. Their children rejecting any form of contact with me (we may speculate about their reasons for doing so but the bottom line is - it’s a total rejection). The most painful though: my oh’s lack of support for how it all affecting me emotionally and lack of understanding how his passivity in dealing with this drama (as long as children don’t reject him as dad it’s all ok in his books) ruins any prospects of the future together.
It’s easy to say they are his children and they will always come first - I get that but that’s not the point. It’s the lack of robust parenting without fear, setting healthy boundaries, modelling healthy beliefs, considering partner’s needs.
All I can see ahead for me now is never ending drama, unhealthy compromises, sense of exclusion. It’s a shame because it could have been so different - and maybe you feel similar sassbott about your relationship.
I and oh share same passions, same outlook on life, we’ve had some amazing times together, I don’t doubt his love or commitment to being with me. I’m sure he doesn’t want to break up and its all difficult for him, too. But he’s in complete denial about the toxicity of this situation and I now notice how unrealistic his future plans for us are, given this never ending conflict....

You sound so sensible and clever sassbott. Life will work out for you and the right person will come along, sooner or later. When we truly know ourselves, what we want and what we tolerate at least there’s no time wasting on unnecessary drama and unsuitable partners.

@sassbott as you know from my many posts my situation is almost identical to yours.
At the moment (even with out covid) I couldn't even contemplate dating. I'm 48, have one child left at home full time & I just couldn't bare the thought of another man with dc & the drama that I feel would inevitably ensue. It's sad but I honestly do think my experience with exdp broke something in my natural optimism & belief in the goodness of human nature.
I know he would get back together at the drop of a hat, but I'm at the point now where even the thought of having to meet & be polite to his dc makes me break out in a cold sweat. They are not children any more & I dislike the people they've become & I don't want to be around their toxic, negative influence.
Of course I'd never say any of this to exdp so have just had to tell him I don't love him any more which is actually not true. He was and is a great person in so many ways & really did feel like my soulmate, but the change that came over him when dealing with his dc & exw was something I just couldn't handle anymore. As I've said before, he went to counselling & things did get better but honestly he'd need ongoing therapy to keep a handle on those aspects of his life.
One thing that still angers & frustrates me is that I had a very hard break up from my exh who has alcohol issues, cheated on me, spent our savings on the OW & eventually went to the OW after I kicked him out. She is now his wife. Despite ALL this I have been able to forgive him, acknowledge my own part in the breakdown of our marriage, move on, co parent amicably & not have my first marriage affect subsequent relationships. And yet, exdp & his exw who had none such visible, gut wrenching issues were/are a toxic divorced 'couple' infecting everyone around them. I'd say they're nearly worse apart than they were together & it's soooo unnecessary.
Do I blame exdp for not being stronger & more self aware? Absolutely. But I see so much of the same on here that I really do wonder WHY some men find it so difficult to park their previously relationships & just get on with parenting.
Exdp's therapist used to say exactly the same stuff that I'd say to him (albeit more bluntly - she was a great woman for plain speaking) & yet he would revert back into old habits of dealing with the dc & exw at the drop of a hat. It was beyond frustrating & really caused a lot of resentment on my part.
I feel like if I were to ever be with someone again I'd need them to pass an Emotional Intelligence test lol.
I don't know what the future will bring but I do know that I never want that type of totally unnecessary drama in my life again.

@Magda72 - I’m new to MN but after reading numerous threads the same theme keeps popping up: ohs’ inability to constructively manage relationships with exes and to set healthy boundaries with them and children BEFORE inviting anyone new in their lives. We, new partners, then enter this territory often without being fully aware of the level of dysfunction and toxicity. It’s mindblowing how this lack of self awareness, living in fear, inability to manage conflict ruins new relationships.

@Malena77 I’m so sorry to hear that you are where you are.

Everything you talk about; being made the scapegoat, the exclusion, the constant compromise. It all happened to me. When he would think about living together, a part of me would think, ‘ok’ . I thought about the fact that he would be nice to have company, have someone help with the house, try and build something new.
Then I’d hit reality. His children, his behaviour regards his children (intense entitlement), the ups and downs because his EXW just refused to be a vaguely half decent human being. And my blood chilled. I fast forwarded my life and saw a me, utterly miserable. Stuck with this man, his children and his awful exwife. Their conflict continually shattering my peace. I thought about the impact on me and my children and knew I could never take that step. I wasn’t naive, I had to be a grown up and face cold hard reality. If I stayed with him and built a life/ home - my life was going to be ruled and dominated by his baggage.

The only question I was left with was whether he bought enough to the party for me to take that on. The blunt response is he didn’t. There have been a handful of times he should have been there, stepped up, and made me his priority. Just like I have done for him more times than I could count. He simply couldn’t. I knew I had to have more self respect, than to simply stay and accept pitiful scraps. All because (as so many women relentless bang on on here), ‘his children come first.’ Well if they did, he should never have gotten into a relationship. And he certainly should not have taken my time, energy and generosity (from being able to prioritise him), if he had no intent of being able to return it. Deeply selfish and self serving behaviour - I think it’s really quite nasty tbh.

@Magda72 I’ve been far more blunt with my exp than you have. I have told him I don’t enjoy spending time with his children and I don’t ever forsee a time when I would ever want to spend extended periods of time with them.

In part it’s down to his behaviour when they’re around (typical NRP behaviour). It’s also down to how their mother can manipulate them - into behaving poorly, attention seeking behaviours, outright lies on occasion, and reporting back.
I at one point had to say to my children, we discuss nothing private/ of importance/ personal/ about my job in front of his children as their mother interrogates them. I also had to say that I expected them to always stay in communal areas (lounge etc) and bedrooms were firmly off limits. (The mother has a history of false allegations). Then I sat there and thought to myself, why are you even placing yourself/ your children in this situation? It’s completely unacceptable on so many levels. You’re essentially telling your children that his children are not safe and healthy to be around, which sadly is true and I stand by. Is it their fault? No. It’s 100% the conflict, 99% of which is incited by their mother. I feel for them, but they are not my responsibility to protect.

Re the men? I think it’s a combination of guilt, fear and embarrassment.
Guilt over the relationship ending (even if the EXW instigated the split, because the EXW blames him entirely).
Fear over losing their relationship with their children (even more so if the EXW is clearly hostile). That fear essentially drives insecure attachments with their own children and they completely lose sight of robust parenting vs. Becoming Disney dads.
Embarrassment - I’m divorced too. I didn’t pick right. But the fact that my exh and I can healthily coparent tells me I picked ok. He’s not a total dick.
My exp? He picked a very high conflict personality, No two ways about it. And the warning signs were there. I asked him once what actually made him want to marry her and he replied ‘I thought she’d be a brilliant mother.’ He couldn’t have been more wrong, sadly.
He’s mortified that this is the woman he picked to procreate with - how was his judgement so off.

They are all very powerful emotions to battle and also emotions that are the anti thesis to growth and change. They keep a person ‘stuck’. So much so that even if they go to counselling for a period of time. Or try and work with a new partner. The children and drama around them is so high and so important, normality and balance simply doesn’t stand a chance.

It’s so sad.

@Malena77 until you’re in it, and experiencing it/ witnessing it first hand. There is no way and remotely healthy person could predict the levels of dysfunction and toxicity that is possible.

I’m with magda so much on one point. I entered my relationship with such hope and optimism. That there could be peace, that exw’s are like me. I believed that people were fundamentally good.
The past 5 years has stolen that from me and shown me just how bitter and vindictive other humans can be. How can you go from saying vows, creating little humans together, have been so happy to then turning that into such a venomous and nasty relationship?

I cannot even begin to comprehend it. I swear I have a degree of PTSD after this relationship and exposure to his exwife. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone quite so insidiously abusive, ever.

I sympathise with all of these posts and they resonate hugely with me. I've just posted about how my partners ex is affecting my mental health and anxiety as I find here step mums are often treated harshly.
Again more drama this week over something that happened to my DD not even hers and it feels my house is controlled by this woman

@sassbott @Magda72 - just like you I’ve witnessed unknown levels of what I can only describe as pure hate. I can understand bitterness, arguments between exes, some jealousy about new partner, difficulty with moving on etc. But this dark evil is just terrifying. It’s purposeful, relentless, depraved. It’s the crazy smile on her face as she passes by in her car (we live in the same city); the kids turning into little versions of her (and I get it’s not their fault but I can see it happening). I just lost hope it’ll ever change. It’s so disturbing.

Another reason why I wanted out was because I was worried about the next chapter regarding dsc. Dsc is 15 now and growing up, and a year or two ago dsc’s mum was talking about driving lessons and how we must pay for them and how we must pay for college, uni, put savings away for dsc’s house deposit when older. It was all too much and I knew it would end up impacting on everyone else. Dsc’s time at uni would just dominate everything etc...

As much as dsc is lovely and I do care about them and we have a great relationship, I didn’t want any part financially in their future.

@Festivalgirl83 I’m so sorry to hear that. I don’t know what to say aside from its not you. The impact to mental/ emotional health as a result of dealing with these situations can be significant. And we need to understand that and process it vs a rhetoric of ‘what’s the matter with you, you knew he had children etc etc.’

@funinthesun19 the financial conversations and commitments can become the make or break in these situations. The polarising nature of them clear on so many threads on here. I could not see a time where I was ever happy with a penny of my money going towards my exp’s children. And that actually became a huge issue for me.

Because I sat there and thought, well if my money goes towards me and my kids. His goes towards his EXW and the conflict over his children. Where’s the common ground? Where’s the us pot?

If I have money saved to go on a big holiday (I’m saving for a safari with me and my DC) and he has another court battle to fight to see his children/ more specialists need to be involved etc etc, then what do I do? Say sorry that’s not my issue, I’m off with my Dc for our dream holiday? Or say, what you’re going through is more important, the holiday can wait. Here, have this money.

I’m sure many would say that the latter is what families and couples do, they’re a team. Me? no, I will not compromise my life again and again because of who your ex wife is.

Where that sort of disparity exists, it’s just a very tough situation. But I agree with you. I wanted no part in any of those discussions.

Exdp was/is a higher earner than me but I had more money to enjoy than him & yes, it became a massive issue. Nearly all his wage went on the dc & their dm & there was rarely money for us to do things together and when we did the exw would kick off about how the dc were being deprived of their money by me and my dc.
Again, I could just see a future of me saving and being able to do things but also having to pay for him as all his money went to the dc & exw. Like others I had no confidence that his dc would ever become fully financially independent & I also reckoned that they would potentially pass money on to their dm who will literally have nothing (bar her house & car) once maintenance stops.

@Magda72. Same, I had a higher level of disposable income. Even though I don’t receive any spousal/ CM from the ex. As a result what I could forsee was it would be my income that would prop the bulk of ‘us’.
I’m working hard, very conscious of my retirement pot. Then I’d look at him and where his money was going and realised that by signing up to this, I’d be signing up to effectively supporting him. Whilst he spent his money was routed elsewhere.

I don’t know what the answer is. People simplistically say well if you’re committed and love someone, what is yours is theirs. And maybe that would be easier if what was mine was mine and mine alone. But it’s not. I have my own children to think about and what I couldn’t reconcile is that in order to get an ‘us’ pot, the disproportionate amount of income would come from me. Effectively taking away from my children and what I can provide for them. I wasn’t prepared to do it.

I think this is why ‘blending’ when children pre date a new relationship on both sides, is so intensely challenging. The rates of divorce in these set ups are sky high and I can see why

Not everyone is like your exp's exw. I've met dp's ex, she lovely. Thanks to covid and distance dp hasn't met my ex but they will at some point. Just need to find the lay of the land early in the relationship. It helps sometimes if it's been a long marriage and they grew apart and the split is consensual.

@mootymoo that’s a very fair point. No, of course a lot of exes won’t be my exp’s EW. But the thought of even starting all over again?

Blows my mind. I know I’m not ready and I’ll take my time to do my own thing. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else had been where I was and what that next part of the journey looked like.

@sassbott I agree with everything you've said. I think what bothered me about the financial stuff is that exh & I contributed equally towards our kids which meant neither of us suffered financially & both had spare for ourselves - within reason. So I found the injustice of exdp's situation very hard to stomach. It's not that I ever objected to paying for him, but I objected to paying for him while he worked like crazy not even partially for 'us', but solely to hand over everything to his exw & dc, all the while his salary was way bigger than mine. It felt so unfair.
Like you I felt that I was going to be financially responsible for 'us' while large sums of money were disappearing into the void of exw & dc never to be seen again.
It's funny because I'm quite a generous, open person but again, my experience of exdp & his finances (no more than the emotional stuff mentioned previously) have left me quite scarred and moving forward I think I would find it impossible to blend any bit of money which I know is not great for a relationship.
Ironically it took me years & therapy to get over my exh & while I'm more robust this time around I feel that what I went through with exdp is nearly more traumatic in that I didn't turn cynical after my marriage breakdown but did after my time with exdp.
And yes, I too would love to know how others have moved forward or did they just say "sod it I'm staying single from now on!"

If I have money saved to go on a big holiday (I’m saving for a safari with me and my DC) and he has another court battle to fight to see his children/ more specialists need to be involved etc etc, then what do I do? Say sorry that’s not my issue, I’m off with my Dc for our dream holiday? Or say, what you’re going through is more important, the holiday can wait. Here, have this money.

It’s a lose lose situation because if you choose your holiday with your dcs then he might see that as a big injustice that you’re spending money on a holiday while he’s fighting to see his dcs. And if you pay his legal costs you and your children probably lose out on the holiday. I know which I would rather pay for!

Costs relating to the dsc can end up dominating everything else sometimes, and everything else gets pushed to the back of the queue. There was that thread recently about the stepson at private school, and will no doubt go off to uni after that. Those costs will just eat up so much and his father will just pay them to keep his ex and his son happy.
Me and my ex were in no financial position to pay for things like legal costs or private schools, but the general every day things always felt like it “dsc first, everyone else after that”. And with dsc moving on in life and getting more expensive and my ex not having a backbone, it just felt like we were never going to have any money for anything else. I know he had to pay for dsc which he did, but I had to make a choice that would mean me and my children are protected from that. Do we split or stay together? Now he pays for none of his children so it looks like his ex wife will be funding it all herself...

At least now you’re on your own, you can save for your amazing holiday without any complications
And I can simply just get on with giving my children more than I could before while I improve my own situation. I’m putting money away each month for a car - I could never have done that before! And when the covid situation improves me and my parents plan on going on holiday with the kids No doubt I would have had to take dsc with me if I was still with ex!

If and when my own children go to uni, that is obviously going to be a different kettle of fish to me personally. I still won’t shaft my younger children in order to fund my older ones though.

Ex has no real interest in any of his children’s education. That means his eldest’s too. His ex wife, just like me with my children, is very interested in her child doing well and helping her child to achieve their full potential and paying whatever she can to her her child there. I’m exactly the same with mine. My eldest is in year 6 in September and does struggle, so I’m thinking some extra tutoring will help him. One of my younger children has asd and learning difficulties, so again if I need to pay for some extra help I will want to do that.
I’ve been working hard to homeschool my children of different ages and he hasn’t even offered to do a few times tables or spellings. The very basics! My DS’s year 5 work has been something else! But we’ve still done it.

I really do wish dsc well and I hope they do very very well in life, but not at my children’s expense and it’s not a financial or emotional investment I ever wanted to plunge myself in to when ex himself isn’t bothered. My children only have me, so they will have all of me. Thankfully I can do this now.

Morning all

@Magda72 our situations really are eerily similar. I too didn’t begrudge him doing what he was doing per se. But at times there were choices that he could have made differently and he never did.

I by nature am very generous and in the beginning of the relationship I was generous. In empathy of his situation re legal costs I picked up the tab a few times for nice holidays - that included his children. I tended to be the one to treat us to nice restaurants/ spoil us for an odd weekend in some lovely places - not remotely cheap. I did it thinking ‘at some point, the scales will rebalance’, he will not continue to actively poor this much money in this direction and he will infact prioritise some of it on us. The scales didn’t rebalance and so I stopped. I rerouted my money for holidays with my children (which I was obviously doing but built in a few more treats), and I also started to travel alone.

As you say I will not not be so open / naive moving forward. The word I use is naive and I really think I was. I won’t ever be so trusting or generous again - not in the beginning certainly.
I do feel as though this experience has broken me far more than my divorce did. Which is nuts really.

So all I’m trying to do is think back to what that process looked like and re-do it. Because the reality is, not all men will make these choices and not all ex wives are like the ones we have been exposed to.

Has your exDP met anyone? He must have dated? My exp will be back out there post covid, it’s who he is, he’s that serial dater that doesn’t do being alone. Not sure how quickly he’d introduce someone to the children (that’s his business).

@funinthesun19 it was a lose lose situation.
How could I prioritise money towards a nice to have vs a situation relating to children.
As you say, I can now prioritise without apology.

Well done for the homeschooling. It’s not easy is it?

Exactly, you wouldn’t be able to without him being upset about it. When do you plan to go?

Homeschooling has been very difficult. DC1 is in year 5 and DC3 is in year 1. It’s been difficult to get them to apply themselves at home, even though they apply themselves very well at school! DC3 is in school as vulnerable child so I’m thankful for that mainly for his sake but also my own! DC4 is 2, so she toddles about happily complicating the homeschooling further as you can imagine

DC2 is in school

As you say I will not not be so open / naive moving forward. The word I use is naive and I really think I was. I won’t ever be so trusting or generous again - not in the beginning certainly.

I was the same. It’s all been a massive life lesson hasn’t it?
I was 19 when I met my ex and he was 25, separated from his ex wife and had a 4 year old. I don’t know what went on in my head back then but naive is certainly a good start! I would be horrified for my daughter if she chose a man in that position while at that age.

We can learn from our pasts and move forward happily. I hope!

I do feel as though this experience has broken me far more than my divorce did. Which is nuts really.

It’s not nuts. Divorce is painful it isn’t always the most painful if you get what I mean. I totally understand where you’re coming from.
I was broken by my experience too. Which like you, makes me extremely cautious about ever putting myself in that position again.