Life after SP / blended relationship breakdown

[sassbott]

So I thought I’d post this as I’ve noticed on some of the threads, a fair few relationships (in the step parenting category) have broken down. What does life look like for some of you post that breakdown?

I’ll share my high level story. Separated from exh some 7-8 years ago. Wasn’t my choice, but got on with the divorce. Didn’t ever need court, all done through mediation. Exh and I are very amicable and children move between us circa 60/40%. My children are now teen/ pre- teen (just). Zero drama and on the whole my co-parenting life is peaceful.

Met my exp 5 years ago. He had been separated for well over 18 months, divorce nearly finalised when we met. Lovely honeymoon period initially, then the EXW found out about us and it really hit the fan.

Despite that we introduced the children first to one another then to each other about 12 months into the relationship. My children have a good relationship with him (my exh is supportive so no conflict). I had no meaningful relationship with his children (due largely to the EXW not giving the children permission to bond).

We never lived together or mixed financials. But 5 years is a long time of ‘trying’. Anyways, it’s over. Has been for a good while and I sit here and think what’s next?

Bluntly? I don’t want to date a man with young children. I don’t want to date a man who has even a smidge of conflict with their exwife. I can’t even contemplate introducing anyone to my children again (certainly until they are young adults themselves). So I just think, is this it? Am I now going to be single until my children are grown up?

It’s ok btw, if that is how it turns out. I have a great career, good friends, hobbies (pre covid) I enjoy. I guess it just makes me sad that I’ll be alone (in an intimate sense) for the forseeable future.

What has anyone else’s story been who found themselves in my situation?

@sassbott I think the thing that shocked me was the realisation that as the partner of an NRP you're utterly powerless. That's why I eyeroll when I see posts like "his new wife won't let him see our DC." Er nope - step parents simply don't have that level of control. If an NRP drops contact it's because they prefer the company of their new partner over their DC - they can't be "made" to do anything.

I still feel angry and resentful at how much shit I put up with because DH has children. DH says "well it wasn't easy for me either" but then I think "yeah but you held all the power to make it stop!" Problem is his ex wasn't deliberately malicious so he always gave her the benefit of the doubt. It was only when she screamed abuse at him in front of the kids about something that was blatantly about her wants not the DCs that the scales finally fell from his eyes. Obviously I was pleased he could finally see things for what they were but I was also angry that he'd not listened to me before. I'm still working on trying to forgive him for everything I/we went through but it's so hard.

Yes I used to get the line "you have it easier than I do as you see your dc everyday & your ex is reasonable". Well yes he is, comparatively speaking, but that in itself took work.
One day I snapped and asked him what he thought was particularly easy about being cheated on, being left, having to work through my dcs relationship with the OW, working full time, being the primary carer for three dc all the while caring for my sick mother. I asked him did he honestly think that was any easier than what he was going through?
@MyCatHatesEverybody (thanks for the comment about my dc btw ) I think that bit where you say giving into the ex is easier than bending to a new partner as the ex isn't asking him to 'choose' her over the dc is probably spot on. And that bit about not pulling up 'minor' bad behaviour early on is also very apt. That definitely happened in my situation - stuff like his youngest dc climbing all over my furniture just got laughed at or explained away as excitement. For the record he was 11 at the time - not 5.
If that had been one of my nephews I'd have said something but with his dc I felt I had no agency in my own home as everything got laughed at or ignored so as not to upset the dc.
And the most frustrating part of it all is that my open style of 'we all listen to each other & respect each other' parenting worked for the most part.
I'm smiling to myself here when I think that my son coming home with a small, tasteful tattoo was more 'out there' for exdp than his 13 year old biting his brothers during soccer matches. In his eyes I was the liberal parent - eh no, any of my teens would be hauled over the coals (or taken to a counsellor) if they were biting people. In fact my dc rarely bit & all stopped about aged 3! In fairness to exdp he came to admire my dc's gumption but seemed to think his dc were too delicate for emotionally robust parenting - the physical stuff wasn't a problem - biting & kicking is what all boys do don't you know!
He once expressed amazement that my sons never physically fought. I know I must have sounded obnoxious but I said I'd brought them up to articulate & discuss their feelings - not to resort to hitting people to work out their frustrations.
Which brings me back around to male entitlement & the awful combination that is male entitlement & nrp entitlement! Now if you combine those two with the horror that is ex wife entitlement then you have the Holy Trinity of why a lot of subsequent relationships are doomed!
My exdp was a good man - obviously I'm getting the worst bits out here. He was a bit male entitled, a lot nrp entitled & fully brow beaten by an entitled ex wife & tbh I think he was snowed under by those three things & couldn't do enough to break that cycle.
I can only hope that we're rearing the next generation of men & women to be more self aware, more respectful & less entrenched in societies ideas of what men & women do - & in doing so, hopefully they will make smarter & kinder decisions in their own adult lives.

I’m so pissed off with ex and his ex wife today. I’ve been doing so much reflecting on the past and there is so much I want to say to both of them but I have to keep my cool.

Ex’s attitude and behaviour since being on his own just shows that I did so much for his first family when we were together and that his first child and his ex had a pretty good deal in pretty much everything... because of me being around. Maintenance was paid, contact was 50/50 and safe and stable, he was an active parent to his eldest, he spoke to his ex with respect, he worked because he was forced etc...

Now that he’s on his own he’s just gone down on a downward spiral thinking he’s some sort of big victim. And his support to all of his children is non existent. He said to me that if he provides any money for stuff for his children he will need it back I didn’t even ask for anything. But with his first child he provided it no questions asked when we were together, and still begrudged our children things after maintenance towards his eldest. He doesn’t see his children at all at his place and has to see them here which I have started to reduce massively.

I’m so pissed off at him I could scream. And I’m pissed off at his ex too. Because she was such a nasty horrible person towards me when I was with ex when I actually gave her child so much stability that they would not have had. Now that her child is 15 it’s made me realise that I did the bulk of bringing her child up for 10 years when with their dad and that pisses me off too. So much time given up.

I’ve been wanting to say something to his ex for so long, but I know it will achieve nothing. It’s probably why I stick around on here so much. Because I channel it all out on here instead.

Sorry I just didn’t know where else to put this. I didn’t want to start my own thread.

@funinthesun19 my therapist used to advise me to write letters to people who pissed me off but to not send them - as the kind of people who piss you off most likely wouldn't read them or take them seriously anyway. I think being on here does the same thing - so keep venting - & in truth you give great advice & have probably helped a lot of people.
I think your last post just goes to highlight exactly how much grunt work a certain type of women ends up doing & how dependent men are on this type of woman.
Even in my situation with exdp it got to a point where I did everything with respect to my dc AND our relationship which left him having to focus on nothing bar his dc & making money to hand straight over to his exw & dc. He'd didn't so much as have to remember to put the bins out! I'm no doormat, but I am a 'doer' & yes I'd have been doing all the domestic stuff anyway for my dc, but I really resented ending up being the caretaker of our relationship also - just so he could give all his focus to his bloody dc.
Obviously your situation was/is 'worse' in that your ex is also the father of your dc & you have every right to be angry with him & his bloody ex.
I'm not sure what to advise as I know from experience that anger has to run it's course, but the best thing for it (& you) is to let it out appropriately whether that be on here or by purchasing a punching bag lol. I did a lot of kickboxing at one point!
The amount of stuff a lot of men just don't 'get' never ceases to amaze me & I honestly don't know if it's nature or nurture with them, or just a very deep rooted societal misogyny whereby all women really are seen as lesser.

I’m going to do that (writing letters) My god I think I would need an entire A4 writing pad when you include the in laws too But yes, a very good suggestion and I think that will really help.
Thank you, it does help posting on here. And I like to think I help people You’ve posted some fantastic helpful posts too, along with other people. I come on this board more than the lone parents board because I still sometimes feel stuck in that mindset that I was in when I was a stepparent. I can handle being a single mum waaaay better than I could handle my past as a stepmum.

Honestly, life is so much better and I am thankful to finally be where I am. But it’s taking me a while to let go of what went on. I do see the whole experience as a sort of trauma, because the relationship was bad and at times emotionally abusive. Stepparenting and the ex wife were just a symptom of it all and I hope one day I can just move on with my life without thinking about them. I believe in the future I will, but it’s taking time. I hate them both for everything they put me and my children through.

But, happiness is the best form of “revenge”. Not that I want revenge. But I just want to show them I’m happier and my children are happier without that life with them in it.

I guess @funinthesun19 it takes time to process what happened. When you're in it - you're just getting through it, and while you feel angry and frustrated with things you're also trying to cope. I can imagine once you have a bit of distance and are able to reflect, you're out of the trees and can see the wood. Writing unsent letters sounds like a good way of letting it all out safely!
I feel like I've had my head down and been trying to plough on for a long time in my situation. Ongoing unhappiness at where I've found myself with my blended home and finding it hard to articulate to anyone and even myself what is actually wrong. This board has been a big help and reading the posts and others experiences has been eye opening. I've had some counselling and done some long, hard thinking.

I initially felt like it was a problem with me and my inability to be this great SM and to adapt happily - and I felt terrible for not being better at it. Accusations from DP about not trying hard enough. DP and I have a happy relationship otherwise, we each have our own children - none together.
A major problem is that although DP and I have stated similar parenting values, in fact his day to day approach is of the path of least resistance parenting variety - totally different to me and essentially leaving me to enforce rules and boundaries that supposedly we agree on. This leaves me either letting things go that I don't really want to let go or enforcing and feeling like the bad cop and I hate it. He is reluctant to enforce as his ex is much more permissive and I think he does not want to be the bad guy between the two of them. This leaves me feeling like I'm effectively lowest common denominator parenting with his ex and that has an impact on my DC. His ex has completely different values/attitudes/approach and is a very strong influence on DSC. My ex on the other hand is pretty similar to me on parenting values/style so I don't have this problem with my own DC.
My youngest is 7 and really does not need to be around confused boundaries for obvious reasons. My older DC frustrated at the inconsistencies. There are also issues about the significant overlap of contract time which means I feel home life with my DC has been kind of hijacked. It is very stressful and I have realised I just can't do it anymore. For me blending feels like trying to mix oil and water.
Sorry for rambling post, and going rather off OP(who is further down the line)'s topic, but I'm also looking to the future and what it might hold after this experience. I just want to have a relaxed and happy home with my DC where I can be with them and get on with parenting them in a consistent way - even if that means being on my own.

So for someone entering into a relationship which will involve Sp what would your advice be if you could do it over (constructive advice preferably other than dont do it!)

Honestly, it's so hard to say as there are so many variables. I personally wouldn't do it again but obviously it does work for some. Might be better asking them for the secrets to their success!
Are you and your DP on the same page, and I mean really on the same page, with parenting style/values? What's the situation with the exes - what's their influence realistically going to be in your joint home and on your respective DC and are you and your DP both really honestly comfortable with that in your home in the long term? What are you compromising to live together - you and your DC - is it really worth it? What are your DC actually getting out of it for the better - how is it better for them than just being with you/separate living?
I think give it plenty of time and don't rush, and really have an honest conversation with yourself about these types of things. I've seen other posters on here saying that they had wanted to blend but had not been able to for whatever reason and had later been so glad they hadn't and had kept their own place and carried on the relationship living apart.
I think we're so conditioned to want to move towards living with the person we love and to share our lives with them, and to think that the 'nuclear family' style is somehow optimal. It's easy and natural to want to head in that direction. But (and sorry if this sounds really obvious) it's just not at all the same when you both have kids with other people, even if you really love each other. You can't recreate the thing you lost (or didn't happily achieve) with the other parent - it's something completely different.

Just to add, I think it's actually very hard to know a lot of these things things for sure until you've lived it. You don't really know exactly what you're getting into, and that's the risk. If it turns out it's not working for you or your DC you then are stuck - or have to rock everyone's boat again getting out of it.
Sorry, that may not be that helpful - apart from flagging up that no matter how hard you consider everything - some dynamics, patterns of behaviour etc won't become obvious till you're all living together. In the same way as moving in with anyone really, except that in this scenario there are DC involved too, who've already been through a lot of upheaval.

Thanks for your honesty. A lot of what you mention is kind of where I see the challenges. I think my idea will be to maintain my only place until kids are adults or thereabouts. The thought of ending up 'stuck' in a situation you cant easily unwind is what worries me.
We're only at the stage where we are talking of introducing kids.

Sounds like you're giving it lots of thought and proceeding with caution @stout01 I hope it all works out well for you