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Original poster

Unsure of how to feel

58 replies

Rubyshoes10 · 21/01/2021 20:40

My DH DD gran has passed away and her mum has asked my DH to go the funeral and take them. (they were never in a relationship she fell pregnant on third date but they never got together a little bit of FWBs and DH used to pay her rent pay for her shopping and also pay child maintenance)

DD is 9 we got together 5 years ago married 2 years, Ever since I have been on the scene and married DSD mum has always been awful and once accused me of child abuse got police ect involved I was arrested but let off it was absolutely awful experience. It turned out her reason for saying it was she believes that children that were abused go on to be abusers. I never been left alone with DSD and it was soon dropped and she did get a warning for wasting police time with false allegations. ( I had a awful childhood and for my own safety was put into foster care) for this reason I keep my distance and don’t get involved

Back to my point DH has agreed to go the funeral and take his DSD and her mum he has had to ask me if he can take my car as it’s the bigger car. I wanted to say no because I don’t want her in my car but haven’t Because I know it’s childish I feel kinda hurt he’s going but gets he want to be there for his DD.

But don’t feel he has to take her mum. I feel very bad for saying this as she’s lost her mum ect but feel so hurt after everything she has said and done against me. I know he has to keep a relationship for the sake of his DD but I feel it’s actually a cheek of her to ask. I probably should just grow up and let it go but the hurt she caused by her previous actions makes me angry.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 21/01/2021 20:43

Let it go. Tell him not to tell her it’s your car or answer any questions if she asks if it’s his replacement car. Remove all your belongings from it. However doesnt his car have space for 3 people?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/01/2021 20:44

I'd have said no to the car and explained why.
Dp exw isn't allowed in my home caused she's horrible. Dp doesn't like it but it's my home and those are the rules.

In this scenario I'd be happy for dp to take his children but not his ex due to the history. It would 100% be different without the history.

Actions have consequences

Delboybaggins · 21/01/2021 20:49

I wouldn't want her in my car either, you are being the bigger person after everything see did to you. Did she even apologise?

Actually it's lockdown and your DH should not being sharing a car with anyone except you or his DD. That could be the perfect excuse? Also why isn't she going in the funeral car?

Littlepaws18 · 21/01/2021 21:03

Hell no. He can go on his own, when he gets there look after the child then go home alone afterwards. If the child should even go, a child that young they don't need the emotional consequences of a funeral. Remember gran in her own way. But this whole happy family scenario especially after her hostile and quite frankly criminal past I would say no.

Very recently I was in a similar predicament, my father in law had passed. My husband wanted his children there but his ex wanted to gone also. My father in law did not like his ex (understatement) and she treat him poorly when he was alive. In the end she didn't come and I also had an in-depth discussion about the children going because at 7 and 9 I just felt the emotional circumstances would be just too hard for them. For once his ex actually agreed with me! We spoke to them both and they didn't want to go.

So instead we bought a tree and planted it the garden and told funny stories about pops. That was so much more appropriate than the funeral. I even invited the ex to this to which she declined!

LizFlowers · 21/01/2021 21:22

I can understand how you feel, Rubyshoes, the woman behaved awfully to you. How on earth did she know your background? It really is a bad idea to let too many people know your business. I sincerely hope she apologised to you afterwards, she put you through Hell.

However, in your place I would let your husband take the girl and her mother to the funeral. It's not the child's fault her mother is such a prat. Does he really need to use your car? I can't think of any car, except a Smart car, that would be too small for three people.

Original poster
Rubyshoes10 · 21/01/2021 21:49

Unfortunately he does because his car is only 2 seats and he has a work van which isn’t right to go to a funeral in. @LizFlowers DH told her about my past because she wanted to know about my parents as DSD never mentioned and told her mum she never met my family ect so he told her the basics without to much detail and she is so judgemental that she has her opinion and never changes it. Never had an apology she doesn’t even acknowledge I exists.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 21/01/2021 22:02

Hell no!
Firstly, I cannot believe people think you should let this go.
Secondly, I cannot believe your dh has agreed to this & then asked for your car.
Honestly - how much shit are you expected to put up with?
It's HER mother's funeral - she makes her own way there with her dd if that's what she chooses & if your dh wants to go to pay his respects to his dd's grandmother - fine - but he goes alone.
Personally I'd be fuming with both of them. Here you are beating yourself up & feeling bad when both of them are being insensitive assh**es. Your dh should have shut her down straight away & furthermore, he had NO right to tell her anything about your family circumstances. I'd have been furious enough with him about that!

LizFlowers · 21/01/2021 22:18

@Rubyshoes10

Unfortunately he does because his car is only 2 seats and he has a work van which isn’t right to go to a funeral in. *@LizFlowers* DH told her about my past because she wanted to know about my parents as DSD never mentioned and told her mum she never met my family ect so he told her the basics without to much detail and she is so judgemental that she has her opinion and never changes it. Never had an apology she doesn’t even acknowledge I exists.
Oh blimey, Ruby, she sounds vile. I honestly don't know what to suggest - unless he hires a car for a day.
Starseeking · 22/01/2021 00:12

If your DH is seriously planning on taking his DD and her mum, despite all the grief she's given you, I'd be questioning our relationship, not handing over the keys to my car! Confused

If your DH wants to go to support his DD, best solution is he either takes his 2 seater car with DD (so convenient may no room for her DM), or he meets them both at the venue. Problem solved.

Original poster
Rubyshoes10 · 22/01/2021 07:39

Thank you everyone we had a sleepless night talking about it. DH is very weak when it comes to DD and her mother knows it. He’s decided he will meet them there I’ve told him he needs really think about where our relationship is at and how he can’t say how high every time DD mums says jump.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/01/2021 07:56

Good for you OP, I’m sorry this has been so painful for you.

For someone to put a victim of abuse through arrest, police questioning etc is inexcusably despicable behaviour and I’d refuse to have her in my car too.

MyGodImSoYoung · 22/01/2021 08:00

Good for you @Rubyshoes10

Well done for getting your point across and not just going along with what your DH has suggested. With the amount of grief that woman has put you through, you need and deserve to be put first x

Charley50 · 22/01/2021 08:15

Good for you. Why should she be rewarded after being such an absolute prick to you.

Not really sure why your DH needs to be there tbh. I imagine she wants him there as a shoe of ownership over him, rather than for any concern for her DD.

Magda72 · 22/01/2021 08:50

Good for you @Rubyshoes10 & I think @Charley50 has hit the nail on the head in their last paragraph.

NeedToKnow101 · 22/01/2021 08:56

@Magda72

Good for you *@Rubyshoes10 & I think @Charley50* has hit the nail on the head in their last paragraph.

Apart from my typo 🤪

Iwonder08 · 22/01/2021 10:12

OP, don't let it go. You absolutely shouldn't do that horrible woman any favours. Your husband must be the most amazing person, otherwise I don't know how you tolerated the situation with the false allegations. I know I wouldn't

saiditbetterthanme · 22/01/2021 10:32

What a difficult situation. From what you've said, dh provides for his dd and is present. He doesn't owe her mother anything. It's time he stops feeling guilty and put some boundaries in place.
I think you are being incredibly generous to consider the situation they have out you in, I think it shows great maturity and kindness given how she has treated you in the past.

LemonBreeland · 22/01/2021 10:37

I think you've struck the best compromise here. I agree that DH should attend the funeral to support his DD, but there was no reason for him to drive them there.

user1493413286 · 22/01/2021 10:40

Glad to read your update; it’s right that he goes to support his DD but her mum can’t see expect anything more.

Original poster
Rubyshoes10 · 22/01/2021 10:50

Thank you all. I sometimes don’t know where I find the strength. She really is a nasty piece of work. DH is a good man sometimes a little soft. Also I think she would love it if she could come between us and I won’t let her. DH doesn’t agree that his DD should be going to the funeral so he wants to go to be there for his DD which I totally understand.

He has told her that he will meet them at the crematorium it hasn’t gone down but he is standing his ground so far.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 22/01/2021 10:58

@Rubyshoes10 Glad to hear you found a solution that you are comfortable with.

RedMarauder · 22/01/2021 11:27

Well done OP. Ensure those boundaries stay in place particularly if you have any children with him.

Original poster
Rubyshoes10 · 22/01/2021 11:45

@RedMarauder thankfully I don’t I have two from a previous marriage. but yes boundaries in place.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/01/2021 11:57

Glad he's out some boundaries in place. Hope his DD copes with it all ok.

PurpleMustang · 22/01/2021 12:18

Wow she does sound bad. The virus is your excuse here. The mother should not be getting in a car with him. He obviously could collect his daughter in his car but not the mum. Or as you have suggested he meets them both there. Surely she has other relatives to either help her at the funeral or that she would be looking after. Or is she expecting him to be her shoulder to cry on too and using his daughter as an excuse even though he shouldn't be more than 2 m near her.