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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Unsure of how to feel

58 replies

Rubyshoes10 · 21/01/2021 20:40

My DH DD gran has passed away and her mum has asked my DH to go the funeral and take them. (they were never in a relationship she fell pregnant on third date but they never got together a little bit of FWBs and DH used to pay her rent pay for her shopping and also pay child maintenance)

DD is 9 we got together 5 years ago married 2 years, Ever since I have been on the scene and married DSD mum has always been awful and once accused me of child abuse got police ect involved I was arrested but let off it was absolutely awful experience. It turned out her reason for saying it was she believes that children that were abused go on to be abusers. I never been left alone with DSD and it was soon dropped and she did get a warning for wasting police time with false allegations. ( I had a awful childhood and for my own safety was put into foster care) for this reason I keep my distance and don’t get involved

Back to my point DH has agreed to go the funeral and take his DSD and her mum he has had to ask me if he can take my car as it’s the bigger car. I wanted to say no because I don’t want her in my car but haven’t Because I know it’s childish I feel kinda hurt he’s going but gets he want to be there for his DD.

But don’t feel he has to take her mum. I feel very bad for saying this as she’s lost her mum ect but feel so hurt after everything she has said and done against me. I know he has to keep a relationship for the sake of his DD but I feel it’s actually a cheek of her to ask. I probably should just grow up and let it go but the hurt she caused by her previous actions makes me angry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rubyshoes10 · 22/01/2021 13:19

@PurpleMustang no no other family and I think she’s upset so many of her so called friends over the years they probably don’t want to know. I just can’t help thinking this isn’t the end of it

OP posts:

Sillysandy · 22/01/2021 13:39

No way. I tried for years to keep things amicable with the ex for the sake of the kids but her behaviour got worse and worse. If she'd been successful in her endeavours we would not have been able to purchase our house and would be broken up.

So now I say she made her bed, there are zero favours or allowances made. She is not invited in. I do not chit chat with her or try to put her at ease.

No way would I allow my car to be used for someone who treated me like she has treated you. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. She sounds disgusting.

Pippa234 · 22/01/2021 13:44

Well done OP.
She sounds awful.

LizFlowers · 22/01/2021 14:03

I'm glad a sensible decision has been made that doesn't involve your car. I think you are a remarkable person to have even considered it after what the woman put you through.

Original poster

Rubyshoes10 · 22/01/2021 15:21

Thank you everyone I thought I would get slated for being selfish because I didn’t want her to go in my car. She really is awful and unfortunately DSD seems to be going along her lines also. DH was DSD by

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2021 21:06

You’re doing the right thing by making some boundaries you won’t cross and expecting your partner to respect them. How does it feel? It gets easier the more you do it, I promise. But if you’re naturally a people pleaser or wary of standing your corner it can feel very shaky and panicky doing it at the start. You are doing the right thing.

What you say about him being prepared to piss, his partner, off more than his ex fling, is so telling. Worth reminding him that it’s a bull shit approach as often as you need to until he stops doing it. As much as he feels he might have to jump when she calls because of their shared child, he’ll find if he continues to do it as a reflex he’ll have no partner to come home to because you deserve respect and consideration.

Stick to your guns.

Original poster

Rubyshoes10 · 22/01/2021 21:39

@AnneLovesGilbert you’re so right I’m such people pleaser and hate confrontation but I have had enough. She isn’t happy and now saying that DSD won’t go to funeral as he isn’t taking them and it’s unfair she is now missing out on saying goodbye to her gran. I’ve told him I don’t want to know anymore and I don’t want to talk about her. I’ve finally made my home a safe space and I don’t want her infiltrate it.

OP posts:

Starseeking · 22/01/2021 21:55

It sounds like the DM is leaning on her, poor child. If indeed it is the DD actually saying that, and not her DM creating a narrative for her to spin to your DH because she's annoyed he's no longer dancing to her tune.

I'd expect your DH to stand his ground on his original decision. Emphasise that he loves and supports his DD, and that he'll meet her at the funeral venue to support her. At her age, she is old enough for your DH to tell her that directly, and not via sending messages through her DM.

NeedToKnow101 · 22/01/2021 22:09

That is outrageously manipulative. How dare she use her own mum's, her daughter's grandma's funeral as a point-scoring exercise against you. Wow!

LizFlowers · 23/01/2021 00:18

[quote Rubyshoes10]@AnneLovesGilbert you’re so right I’m such people pleaser and hate confrontation but I have had enough. She isn’t happy and now saying that DSD won’t go to funeral as he isn’t taking them and it’s unfair she is now missing out on saying goodbye to her gran. I’ve told him I don’t want to know anymore and I don’t want to talk about her. I’ve finally made my home a safe space and I don’t want her infiltrate it.[/quote]
Is the funeral so far away that they cannot go there without someone giving them a lift? I don't 'get' that at all, it's the mother's doing. The child is 9, not a baby and quite capable to getting on a bus/train or in a taxi with her mother, and to wear a mask. The woman is being unfair on her daughter.

However - as you say - not your concern. You are well out of it, Ruby.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 23/01/2021 08:50

Like a previous poster says why isn't she going in a funeral car?

PottyRuddy · 23/01/2021 10:11

No, you're not being unreasonable. What she did to you was absolutely unforgivable especially with your history. What an utterly appalling woman. You don't get to treat someone like that and then ask for favours. No.

If my DH wanted to take her I'd be asking him where he planning on sourcing a suitable car from then because she wouldn't be stepping foot in mine.

Original poster

Rubyshoes10 · 23/01/2021 11:04

She’s quite capable of driving 40 mins from her home she won’t pay for a funeral car. She plays the DD card and my DH feels so guilty all the time. To me she seems like she only wants DH to be his DD dad when it suits her and he will jump and grab hold off any little scrap he is offered. Before anyone says why not go through courts we tried that last time that’s when the whole accusations about me came up and DH won’t put me through that again.

OP posts:

wishywashywoowoo70 · 23/01/2021 11:16

I get that she doesn't want to drive herself as it would be an upsetting day and she could be too emotional to drive. However asking your DH is cheeky AF.

Isn't there anyone else she can travel with? Who is in her bubble?

Howshouldibehave · 23/01/2021 11:22

No-she wouldn’t be going in my car-that would be the end of the discussion. Is your DH supportive of your decision?

Well done for standing your ground. Anyone that lied about child abuse to get someone innocent arrested is vile. She can sort out her own bloody transport.

LouJ85 · 23/01/2021 12:02

@Magda72

Hell no! Firstly, I cannot believe people think you should let this go. Secondly, I cannot believe your dh has agreed to this & then asked for your car. Honestly - how much shit are you expected to put up with? It's HER mother's funeral - she makes her own way there with her dd if that's what she chooses & if your dh wants to go to pay his respects to his dd's grandmother - fine - but he goes alone. Personally I'd be fuming with both of them. Here you are beating yourself up & feeling bad when both of them are being insensitive assh**es. Your dh should have shut her down straight away & furthermore, he had NO right to tell her anything about your family circumstances. I'd have been furious enough with him about that!

Completely this! Why can't she make her own way there?! You DH can take his DD, or she can, and just meet there? Ridiculous request on her part.

SpongebobNoPants · 23/01/2021 12:26

@wishywashywoowoo70
I get that she doesn't want to drive herself as it would be an upsetting day and she could be too emotional to drive
I’d fucking crawl on my hands and knees if necessary to attend my mum’s funeral. She’d just need to suck it up the car journey to enable DD to come. I’m sorry, but she’s taking the piss if she has a car and is insisting her ex DP take her.

Butterymuffin · 23/01/2021 12:38

she doesn’t even acknowledge I exists.

I don't do favours for people who refuse to acknowledge my existence. No one should.

Your latest post shows this is pure manipulation. Your DH is going to be there to support his daughter, he just isn't driving them there, which is the right thing to do to comply with Covid rules. Don't even entertain indulging this shit.

LizFlowers · 23/01/2021 13:13

@Rubyshoes10

I can understand your last last sentence, Ruby, but not that she can't drive 40minutes. That's nothing, people have longer drives going to work and mourners drive that distance and more to funerals all the time. She is a grown woman and isn't going to be in a state of collapse with grief, especially as she has her daughter.

Another idea is that your husband could drive them both in her car, for his daughter's sake. However that is for him to work out, not you.

Dreadful woman. I hope she is on here and reads this.

Charley50 · 23/01/2021 13:32

I really hope your DH continues to be on your side with this, and can see it for the manipulation it is. She has no right to be in your car, as you don't even exist as far as she's concerned.
It shouldn't cause problems between you and DH as you are completely in the right.

He's weak if ends up taking her (in his van), but I do understand that when dads are manipulated like this by exes, they do often play along for the sake of their relationship with their child. It wouldn't mean anything more than that.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 24/01/2021 11:45

Spongebob.

I agree. I would too. Then again I'm not a high drama nob head.
Personally I don't think he should be going in any capacity. He clearly had no relationship with the deceased and his DD has her mother to comfort her. Can't see the point of him going

LouJ85 · 24/01/2021 12:29

I get that she doesn't want to drive herself as it would be an upsetting day and she could be too emotional to drive

Does she not have a friend or family member who could drive her, then? How has it become her ex husband's duty?

MeridianB · 24/01/2021 18:51

@Starseeking

If your DH is seriously planning on taking his DD and her mum, despite all the grief she's given you, I'd be questioning our relationship, not handing over the keys to my car!

If your DH wants to go to support his DD, best solution is he either takes his 2 seater car with DD (so convenient may no room for her DM), or he meets them both at the venue. Problem solved.

I’d always fight the urge to be petty but in the circumstances you’ve described I would not blame you for saying no.

The post above is the right solution.

I get that if the ex insists DD has to go then it’s good to have someone to look after her, but does this need to be her dad? The relationships sound pretty different from ex husband and wife where you usually know the ILs well. So I question why he is going out of his way to do this for her. She must know what car he has, too?

Hercules12 · 24/01/2021 19:13

I don't get this. Does she not know your dh has a 2 seater car? If not then all he needed to tell her that. Your car doesn't come in to it. Its a shame his car isn't big enough as then it would be the right thing to do but no way does she sit up front in your car.

Hercules12 · 24/01/2021 19:14

It's certainly not childish saying no either.

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