Maybe I'm being unreasonable...

[TheBloodyDoorKnob]

We have DSC 50:50, 4 nights one week, 3 the next although it always ends up being more one way or the other. I can't remember the last time we actually had them 3 nights in a week, it is always either 4 or 5 typically.

Basically whenever we seem to have any free time, DH is always asking if the kids can come round, can they come for tea, can they stay and extra night etc...

AIBU to wish that just sometimes we could actually have time together when they were supposed to be with their Mum? She always bites his hand off at any request so it's always agreed.

For example, this week they were with us Mon-Fri, picked up by mum on Friday from school. And he's already asked if he can have them tonight too. I never get a say or asked. He apparently doesn't like them not being here on a weekend, feels wrong etc...

I don't kick up a fuss, I never make the kids feel unwelcome but just sometimes I wish we could actually stick to the arrangement so I know when and where they are going to be.

And the kids are younger so it's not them deciding that they want to come. It's DH asking.

Come on, surely he just loves his kids and wants to spend tine with them? I hope this is a wind up. No one can be that cold hearted!!

It's got to the point now where the first thing I do whenever I come home is look at the shoe rack in the doorway to see who's here and who isn't because it chops and changes so much and I never know.

Loneytunes253... Please refer yourself to the evil stepmum greeting cards thread...

Op you need to talk to your dp. It's just rude for him not to check esp if you have plans and it's not for an emergency. So what if exw wants to go out now? You already have plans and unless it's an emergency, which is fine, that would be a 100% dealbreaker.
You need to really talk to him and explain calmly what you mean and why it's important for the children and you and their mum to have a consistent schedule.
My dsc would ahte the uncertainty of that arenagment.

@Looneytune253 in that case the DC’s own mother must be even more cold hearted seeing as official access is officially 50/50 and she wants to see her children less than that. But yeah, let’s blame the step mum.

I don't get why it's cold hearted to want just a little semblance of routine to my day/week. I get it won't always be strictly to the letter, I don't mind flexibility but this is all the time.

@TheBloodyDoorKnob I hope you can see you’re not being unreasonable. How is the rest of your relationship with your DH, do you/he want it to work? Personally if I were you I’d want be out of there, he’s treating you terribly.

How long have you been married, OP? Has it always been this way?

@TheBloodyDoorKnob:
Why not impose your own routine? What stops you from saying " this is when I am available and willing to do xyz, and this is when a how I will do it? Why are you dependent upon him to establish your routine?
To a huge extent , you are blaming him for your failure to exert your own right to establish a routine for your self.

You can be as available as you choose to be. He has set a pattern for himself, but he cannot set a pattern for you.

He might actually respect your time more if you actually were more assertive and took control of your own time. You need not cook or prepare extra food on days that you are not expecting the kids. There father is perfectly capable of managing the needs and wants of his children. Leave him to it.

If you want to go out to a movie,dinner, or social event, give him ample notice that you are going and he is welcome to come. If he comes fine; if not go on and enjoy yourself.

If he misses spending time with you, he will adapt his plans and arrangements to accommodate. If not, he has made another very explicit statement. The ball is then in your court. You can complain to strangers , or you can put him on notice about your future plans.
You are unhappy because you are choosing to be passive in your actions and lack of assertiveness.

So he would drop your dinner out at the last minute to let his ex go out on a whim?

Did that happen often?

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@TheBloodyDoorKnob I hope you can see you’re not being unreasonable. How is the rest of your relationship with your DH, do you/he want it to work? Personally if I were you I’d want be out of there, he’s treating you terribly.[/quote]
Well said, Cat.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@Looneytune253 in that case the DC’s own mother must be even more cold hearted seeing as official access is officially 50/50 and she wants to see her children less than that. But yeah, let’s blame the step mum.[/quote]
Oops, meant this one - well said Cat!

@Tiredoftattler Why should OP have to vacate her home/make herself scarce once or twice a week to accommodate her husband’s total lack of respect for her and their relationship?

The running theme throughout your posts on this thread and on others is the assumption that both perpetrator and victim are equally entitled to behave how they want, and both behaviours are as valid a choice as each other. Utter tosh. We can help an OP work through whether they are in fact reasonable and from there, assist them with verbalising their needs to their spouse/DP. The answer is not to victim blame and tell them the responsibility is on them to put up with it, find ways round it, or just leave why don’t you.

While we all have different standards and ideals there are certain foundations which are universally considered a must for any healthy relationship. You said earlier regarding OP’s situation that “neither of them is wrong.” I would consider that someone who gives their partner zero consideration, where plans are consistently cancelled last minute, who never speaks to or consults OP before acting on his wants - that’s not one party misaligning their desires with the other. That’s downright selfishness. If you honestly can’t see that’s “wrong” then you have a totally skewed vision of how a mutually respectful, loving relationship should look.

Ultimately people need to take personal responsibility for themselves and the way they’re treated but it doesn’t mean shitty behaviour should be excused under the guise of a different way of doing things.

@MeridianB thank you. It never ceases to amaze me why some people continually insist on holding step parents to higher standards of behaviour/emotions than the actual parents.

I can see both sides. I have kids and can’t imagine not being with them; can completely see how life would feel “wrong” without them around. But would I be comfortable with someone else’s kids in the same way? Hell, no. I think your DH needs to get his head round the fact that his relationship with you is entirely separate from that he has with his kids....because they are not your kids.

I don't think anyone can possible say you're being unreasonable. You just have to figure out if this is how you want to live.

You’re not being unreasonable.
You should be allowed quality alone time with your partner when arranged. I would have a conversation with him about it , try not bring the children In to it and just say you feel you need more quality time together.

My husband always runs plans by me, for one because like another poster said ... I’m the one who does the pick ups (he works long hours) , does the dinners, the running around.

The OP is not a victim. She is a woman making a choice to remain in a relationship with a partner who has a different point of view. She only becomes a victim when people suggest that she is being disrespected because her partner does not share her point of view.

I would agree that it is both rude and inconsiderate for her partner to just change plans without giving some acceptable notice to the OP. The first or second time that it happened you could say" shame on him." Beyond that point, it becomes "shame on her for repeatefly tolerating that which she finds intolerable."

He has repeatedly shown and stated his stance. The OP is in a relationship; she is not enslaved. She does not have to leave her home to take no part in unplanned events. She can simply leave all care for the children in the hands of her husband.

It is not being unsupportive to point out the control, actions, and decisions that are available to the OP. It is offensive to say to the OP " you poor poor dear, you live with that insensitive man." The truth is that the man has repeatedly demonstrated who he is and the question for the OP is why is she choosing to remain in a situation that is causing her such misery?

I do not think that her partner is in anyway misleading her. She may be misleading him by voluntarily participating in the situation.

The OP has control of her actions and her time Self respect demands that she exert those controls.

@Tiredoftattler you could say the same about any abusive relationship - that they are not victims because they’re “choosing” to stay. My exH had a different point of view to me in that he thought he could shag around, call me names and criticise my appearance. Was that ok simply by virtue that he got enjoyment out of it? After all, none of that was illegal.

Your replies recommend unrealistically simplistic solutions which ignore that there are real, human emotions involved in these situations. If we all followed your advice there would be no bad relationships. All great on paper but completely detached from reality.

We do women no favors by suggesting that it is acceptable to tolerate unacceptable behaviour because it is difficult to leave a problem Laden relationship. It is not simplistic to say that if something is making you miserable then you should take steps to remove yourself.

OP describes what she does when she comes home from work , so that suggests that she has some degree of income. She did not mention having children of her own that might tie her to the partner.

When women view themselves as victims as opposed to justifiably angry equals, they tend to tolerate a lot of either unacceptable treatment or behavior that simply makes them unhappy.

When you have to ask a group of strangers if your unhappiness is reasonable, then you are relegating yourself to the role of victim. When is it ever reasonable to be willing to be unhappy?

Tea and sympathy are good responses but it is just as helpful to remind " victims " that they have some controls and that they should be willing to exercise those controls.

That is not simplistic , that is encouraging proactive control of one's own life.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Tattler is in fact a cyborg devoid of any human emotion.

There are only black and white situations in her world, never any grey areas.

@SpongebobNoPants:
The OP is living in a grey world. She isn't even certain whether it is reasonable to experience her own unhappiness with a situation occurring in her household.

In my opinion , it is not helpful to suggest that she is being held captive by anything other than her own unwillingness to take control of her own time and actions.

It is , in my opinion, absurd to blame someone else for being who they are and yet be unwilling to act proactively on your own behalf. In a situation like that , you are actively conspiring in your own misery. In that scenario, you have as much or MORE blame for your unhappiness than does the partner.

I am not suggesting that other points of view are wrong and that I am right. For all that I really know, we could all be right or we could all be wrong. This is just my particular opinion. I am always appalled by situations where the victim card is used to excuse or justify the failure to assume personal responsibility for the role that you are playing in your problem.

Women have an obligation to be their own self protectors and active self advocates. Surrendering those obligations does make them victims of their own inertia.

@Tiredoftattler It also does nobody any favours to say there is never anything wrong with a person's behaviour because it is "just them being who they are". There is a half way between what you are saying and what others are saying. Yes, OP is in control of whether she puts up with it or not and should be encouraged not to. But that doesn't change the fact that there is something inherently unreasonable about what he is expecting a partner to put up with, which should be called out.

And that's just in this scenario. Can you not see the implications in saying everyone is "just being who they are" and the only person who is at fault is the one who puts up with it, in abusive scenarios? Do you honestly think it is wise to encourage perpetrators to believe there is nothing wrong with any of their behaviour as long as they have been upfront about their intention to act that way?

OP, I assume it is your home too.. If you don't have a say about your life, your home and your husband doesn't see any problem with that then I would leave. Have you voiced your concerns? You should politely explain the children are welcome and you like them, however there should be a schedule in place. Of course there could be some exceptions, but generally you need to know it so you can plan your life accordingly. Being a good father doesn't automatically mean being a crap partner. He should respect your life, your wishes and understand how it all impacts you

I very much doubt if a woman got on here and said her husband didn’t make any time for them as a couple and she was feeling neglected etc regardless of him being a ‘good dad’ everyone would be in support of giving the husband a swift kick up the arse, but when it’s a step mum she has to just get on with it and ‘you knew he had children so you can’t expect to ever spend time with your husband or ever be put first’ this isn’t a step child problem, this is a DP problem.