Maybe I'm being unreasonable...

[TheBloodyDoorKnob]

We have DSC 50:50, 4 nights one week, 3 the next although it always ends up being more one way or the other. I can't remember the last time we actually had them 3 nights in a week, it is always either 4 or 5 typically.

Basically whenever we seem to have any free time, DH is always asking if the kids can come round, can they come for tea, can they stay and extra night etc...

AIBU to wish that just sometimes we could actually have time together when they were supposed to be with their Mum? She always bites his hand off at any request so it's always agreed.

For example, this week they were with us Mon-Fri, picked up by mum on Friday from school. And he's already asked if he can have them tonight too. I never get a say or asked. He apparently doesn't like them not being here on a weekend, feels wrong etc...

I don't kick up a fuss, I never make the kids feel unwelcome but just sometimes I wish we could actually stick to the arrangement so I know when and where they are going to be.

Well, I have stepkids and it all works fine.

I wouldn’t put up with this, and I think you need to talk to him c it - but of course it is possible that he will say this is the way it is, so think ahead about what you will do in that case.

Anyway - sit him down, tell him you love him, them, being part of the family. But part of that is you and him having a stable relationship - that benefits the kids right?

So you need to carve out time together, and you need clearer boundaries around when they are here and when they are not. Some spontaneity is fine, especially when they are older, but everyone needs space. He’ll need time to talk from his POV and mull, then hopefully you can find a way forward. But if not - don’t be a door mat OP

How long have you been together and does he do all the taking care like teas/ bath/ bed/ up with them for breakfast?

I think he's taking the p*ss as this is your relationship too.

Can you see yourself/ do you want to be doing this for the next 5/ 10/ 20 years?

I’m a stepmum of 3 and would I hell put up with this, OP. Please put your foot down. Even if it makes it a bit tense for a bit it will most likely settle down when your DH realises you’re not his doormat- you are part of the family, you deserve a say in it.

I guarantee even when the kids are older and have their own children he will still want grandkids and be childcare all the time too because he won’t ever consider you. Do you have/going to have your own children?

He sounds like a committed dad and the kids are his priority. Its a good thing surely.

We never get child free time either and it’s terrible for a relationship. We have to grab our date nights where we can(pre Covid).🙄 nothing quite like celebrating your anniversary on a Monday evening. It’s my ex and his ex, so not one sided, but it takes the utter piss. You are definitely not being unreasonable

@Willyoujustbequiet

He sounds like a committed dad and the kids are his priority. Its a good thing surely.

I agree but having read a couple of threads in the last couple of days I'm feeling very much in the minority!

However I do think in this case OP's dp should speak to her before he arranges to have the children

Leave him to it op and find a more committed and respectful partner.

YADNBU OP.

Totally agree with previous posters saying he is risking your relationship. Not sure how old the children are but this relaxed arrangement will surely become more pronounced as they get older.

For those saying it’s great a father wants to spend lots of time with his children.. yes, the sentiment is admirable and of course children are a big priority. But life is also about balance. If you are married, you have a commitment to that relationship, as well as to your children.

He sounds like a committed dad and the kids are his priority. Its a good thing surely.

Yes, always the criteria for a decent partner 🙄

You are not being unreasonable, we roughly have 50/50 with both our own kids but we have a couple of nights to ourselves (I say ourselves, we have our own DC) which I fiercely protect and he knows that. Occasionally things come up which means we do a swap and the kids are here on those nights but it's rare. If the kids were here all the time, willy nilly, no structure or routine, not only would it be unsettling for them but it would put a strain on our relationship.

Gosh I could have written this myself. Since the start of the year we have his 14 year old son here between 5 and 6 days a week, and his adult son chose to live with us full time. We also have a two year old, and we both work full time.

It’s not that I mind them being here all the time per se, (although the endless noise waking our toddler, the insane amounts extra mess - no one clears up after themselves, they’re used to having a cleaner at their mum’s - and the hoovering up of all the food as soon as it lands in the fridge can get a bit wearing and expensive) but I wish I had been consulted on it. Not even asked, just told ‘it’s not every other weeknight night and all weekends any more, it’s Sunday night through til Saturday.’

It’s so hard, especially in this pandemic, when there’s nowhere else you can go. In our house everyone has their own bedroom but the boys like to congregate in the living room and my partner does work in the evening in our bedroom and it does get a bit hard, not having any space to yourself. It’s too cold and miserable to go on many walks, I can’t meet up with friends, I can’t go to my parents’ house. It’s mentally very exhausting to have so little time alone or any kind of alone time with your partner.

I’m sorry, I’ve nothing useful to add. Just than I understand and it’s really tough and I’m sending you sympathy. Try and find something to do for yourself where you can, if you can. And remember these are strange times but they won’t be forever. That’s what I’m telling myself.

I think the NRP should always be discussing the situation with his DP but I think I'm in the minority that if you aren't going to like your DP wanting to see his children as much as possible then I struggle with why put yourself in that position in the first place?

I'm not a step mum but my eldest is my DH's step son and he has had a step mum before. I made it very clear to DH when we met that DS would always be my priority, we come as a package. We'd love him to join our package, but if he isn't wanting to take DS on, then please don't. I didn't want to be in a position to have to choose between seeing my child and DH. We had a blip in the early days but have since been together for 15 years and he's brought DS up as his own. Obviously the difference here is we all live together so there's no visiting, but still my opinion is the same. What would happen if the children had to come and live with you?

My DS's previous step mum knew he existed when she met his dad (very much knew - it's a long story!), she didn't hold back in making it known how much she disliked DS's visits. Subsequently his relationship with his Dad is very poor as his Dad didn't see much of him - even more so when more children came along. Sadly DS's dad didn't do anything about it ( so I hold him as responsible, if not more than his ex wife).

The key thing here is the ad hoc nature of the extra contact. If her DH became the resident parent then OP could plan things accordingly, their household would have more money as they'd be receiving child maintenance, and they could occasionally book a babysitter without feeling guilty because they already see the DC for most of the time.

OP has the worst of both worlds atm and it's not unreasonable for her to want something more structured in place. I understand the DH wanting to see his children more but when contact is already 50/50 it's obviously at the expense of the DC's quality time with their mother, let alone OP's quality time with her husband. Why do only his wants take precedence in his marriage?

Needs to be one week on, one week off, and stick to it.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

The key thing here is the ad hoc nature of the extra contact. If her DH became the resident parent then OP could plan things accordingly, their household would have more money as they'd be receiving child maintenance, and they could occasionally book a babysitter without feeling guilty because they already see the DC for most of the time.

OP has the worst of both worlds atm and it's not unreasonable for her to want something more structured in place. I understand the DH wanting to see his children more but when contact is already 50/50 it's obviously at the expense of the DC's quality time with their mother, let alone OP's quality time with her husband. Why do only his wants take precedence in his marriage?

I don't think they do cat but it does always amaze me when women/men get together with someone who has children, and then feel surprised that they want to spend time with those children.

Ultimately it's not fair on anyone, the step parent for feeling they have to give up their time (and not feeling important) , the NRP for feeling they can't see their children as much as possible and the children who are stuck in the middle.

The happiest children older ones) from a split seems to be when the kids have flexibility between their homes. But usually the parents live in the same town so it’s easier around where they walk home from the school - could be which parent is home that day but the kids feel welcome at both homes. Parents split when the children where young they probably had a 60/40 split and more routine that grew into flexible approach as they reached teenage years.
Younger children probably need more of a routine.
I understand it’s frustrating but have to say as the children get older they need to have more flexible approach as they forming their own social lives.
When I’ve seen forced structure it’s the children that suffer as their choices /lives aren’t considered, only what works for the parents lives.
I think it’s lovely to see a father present in his children’s lives - it will only be for such a short period of time

@frustrationcentral "I don't think they do cat but it does always amaze me when women/men get together with someone who has children, and then feel surprised that they want to spend time with those children."

But likewise It amazes me that many people who have children are surprised to hear that if they want a serious relationship post-separation then they need to make time for their partner too.

We're not talking here about a man who sees his DC's EOW and is snatching a few precious extra moments with them. This seems to be all about his needs, not those of his DCs. If they'd genuinely be better off missing that time with their mother he should be formalising the additional contact.

@Nohomeschoolingtoday I'm all for flexibility but there's no reason why a parent couldn't set aside e.g. one day a fortnight or whatever that's sacred (all barring genuine emergencies) where they prioritise spending time with their partner. Or they should do everyone a favour and stay single/date casually if they want to life without considering anyone else's wants or needs.

I don't disagree, of course they need to make time.

Anyway, I know I'm too sensitive to this. As I said my DS had a step mum, in his life aged 3-11. She stood totally in the way and subsequently DS rarely saw his dad as he wasn't allowed to have him extra. His Dad didn't push it, it buggered up their relationship and even after they separated they couldn't pick up the pieces, the damage was done. DS is now 17 and his Dad is lucky if he goes and visits him once every 2 months. He's not stupid, he didn't feel important enough to his Dad. Now I know that's far more extreme than OP's case because they see the children far more in the first place (DS was eow with nothing else). It's just made me a bit sensitive about the subject

Sorry op for detailing your thread.. hope you get it sorted

Maybe relationships with men with kids aren't for you, OP.

I can't imagine not seeing my child every day. Of course he wants to spent more time with them. Is there a chance that they could review the arrangement so he increases his set days? You get your routine and he gets to see him children more.

I think that when someone becomes a parent , they become a 24/7 parent with 24/7 obligations. A Court may split custody and visitation but a Court cannot sever the 24/7 obligations. A child had every right to expect his parent to be a full time parent. For many children this is not their reality but it should always be their expectation.

Adults have the freedom to decide how they wish to allocate their time. They also have the freedom to decide if their expectations and their partners are aligned. No one owes it to you to agree with your expectations. Divorce Courts are filled with people who came together with expectations that were not aligned.

The OP and her husband seem to have found an area where there expectations are not aligned. Neither of them is wrong. In every relationship partners require alone time. In every parental relationship, the parent has an absolute right to expect to spend as much time with his or her child as humanly possible. Parents who remain together manage to find both alone time and adequate time to spend with their children. It is harder when parents divorce or separate.

If the children are not in the home full time, it is easier still to have alone time. If that time is less than fulfilling, it is probably not a child related problem but instead a relationship problem.

When OP and her husband have the children, nothing prohibits them from engaging a sitter for a few hours and going out. When they do not have the children then they can certainly find some alone time.

I think the real issue is that 1 partner wants or needs something that the other partner no longer needs or is satisfied with the amount of alone time that they are experiencing.

The children are not the problem. The real problem lies in the disconnect between the wants and needs of the 2 adults. The presence of the children just provides an easy way to deflect the blame. It is so much easier to blame the presence of the children rather than to look at the status of the relationship and how your individual feelings and prospectives may have shifted or changed.

I firmly believe that a man who really desires more alone time with you and is missing that time will find a way to make it happen. If he does not make time, he probably does not feel that it is lacking. In that case, do you really want to remain in a relationship where your needs do not align with his wants or need?

Sometimes, you have to decide just how compatible and flexible you are.

@frustrationcentral I totally see why you feel the way you do, your ex was obviously a shit. But ultimately it was his decision not to see your/his DS, not the step mum's. You only need to see how many of us are constantly battling just to get any amount of an NRP's quality time spent on us to know exactly which person in the dynamic holds the power.

What's frustrating as a step parent is that when we express a totally reasonable need such as OP is describing, we're treated as though we've acted like the woman in your ex's situation which is way too far the other way, and called evil, we resent the DC, you knew what you were getting into, blah blah. When all the majority of us want is a bit of balance.

You sound nice though, sorry your DS got lumbered with a bad'un.

He doesn't actually want to spend time with you by the sounds of it.

Either make plans to do your own thing or this relationship isn't for you.

Don't be sitting there waiting to jump whenever he's at a loose end.

Parent or not, male or female, doesn’t matter, people who have no intention of caring for and nurturing their adult relationship have no business wasting anyone’s time, let alone actually marrying the person who’s emotions they fully intend to neglect.
“You knew he/she was a cyclist/parent/worked 27 hours a day in their dazzling career blah blah blah what did you expect blah blah blah”
I’ll tell you what was expected from the person who promised to love and care for you fro the rest of your lives - time, consideration, respect.
Put your kids first in every instance in your own time, don’t waste anyone else’s.

Can I just say it's not really about the amount of time the kids are here. They could decide to live with us tomorrow and that's something I have to consider may happen at any point in the future. Whatever, I would be fine, at least I'd know what was going on.

It's the up, down, are they, aren't they, one minute at mum's, oh wait no they aren't now, oh wait yes they are, just coming for a few hours here or tea there at 2 mins notice, going out to the corner shop and coming back to them being there for tea and having nothing in etc... Before Covid, thinking right I've got a night with DH, let's plan a meal, oh wait now two minutes before we leave his ex has decided she wants to go out so we'll have to cancel and so on..

I never know which way is up and I never get spoken to or consulted.