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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Maybe I'm being unreasonable...

79 replies

TheBloodyDoorKnob · 16/01/2021 17:59

We have DSC 50:50, 4 nights one week, 3 the next although it always ends up being more one way or the other. I can't remember the last time we actually had them 3 nights in a week, it is always either 4 or 5 typically.

Basically whenever we seem to have any free time, DH is always asking if the kids can come round, can they come for tea, can they stay and extra night etc...

AIBU to wish that just sometimes we could actually have time together when they were supposed to be with their Mum? She always bites his hand off at any request so it's always agreed.

For example, this week they were with us Mon-Fri, picked up by mum on Friday from school. And he's already asked if he can have them tonight too. I never get a say or asked. He apparently doesn't like them not being here on a weekend, feels wrong etc...

I don't kick up a fuss, I never make the kids feel unwelcome but just sometimes I wish we could actually stick to the arrangement so I know when and where they are going to be.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Blacktothepink · 16/01/2021 18:00

Fuck that! I’d be off.

Stantons · 16/01/2021 18:03

YANBU I'm surprised their mum doesn't want to spend time with them

Do you and your OH get any time just the two of you? Got to be honest I wouldn't put up with it

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/01/2021 18:03

I hope the maintenance and child benefit is paid to the parent who does the lions share, that's why arrangments are impirntat.
Not respectful to you too, depending on ages if teenagers in rooms then don't matter and uip to them but younger children can be lovely but hard work.

Original poster

TheBloodyDoorKnob · 16/01/2021 18:05

It's not always staying over, sometimes it's coming for tea, or coming during the day etc...

OP posts:

punkylaroux · 16/01/2021 18:06

I believe routine is important, especially with shared custody. How do the children feel about last minute tea/nights with you? From
experience DSS & DSD have always been more settled when they know where they are in terms of routine and where/when they are. Have you spoken to DH about how you are feeling? I can empathise as in a blended family it helps me massively to know where we are too, whether it's time to ourselves, family time etc. Even simple things like food shopping etc!

user1493413286 · 16/01/2021 18:07

I’d expect him to be talking to you about it before making arrangements; DH talks to me before committing to things with DSD and I find it annoying when he doesn’t as it does impact on me.

Santaiscovidfree · 16/01/2021 18:07

Say they are welcome anytime and what has he planned for their tea? Make sure he is the laundry person /organiser of showers and cleaning up after them.

Original poster

TheBloodyDoorKnob · 16/01/2021 18:09

@user1493413286

I’d expect him to be talking to you about it before making arrangements; DH talks to me before committing to things with DSD and I find it annoying when he doesn’t as it does impact on me.

I would feel like I couldn't say no anyway tbh.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 16/01/2021 18:11

It's not always staying over, sometimes it's coming for tea, or coming during the day etc...

Chopping and changing the arrangements means you can’t plan anything. I know covid is here at the moment and you can’t do much anyway, but even just some time with your dh alone at home without his kids would be nice.

And the above quote saves their mum money too. As well as over night stays. Maintenance should be made to reflect the amount of time they are in your household, and it sounds like a lot! Of course she bites his hand off... but I bet she still expects the money.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/01/2021 18:11

Can you set some time in stone for you both? Eg every other Sat night or so thing and that's you time. If he wnats extra night fine but never on that night. That would help.
Equally he should discuss with you as it does impact you so instead of presenting a done deal say xyz wants to stay another night or d for tea Tuesday would you mind... You will prob be okay with it but it helps to feel involved.
Also he does the workload when they are here not you.. Washing meals cleaning etc all on him not you as that is very unreasonable else.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 16/01/2021 18:12

YANBU
How can you possibly plan your life in advance? Do you get to do anything together as a couple? (appreciate it’s hard at the moment because of lockdown).

I’d have a strong word OP. I appreciate he wants to see his kids and spend time with them but you too are entitled to his time and it’s your house too - you should get a say!

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 16/01/2021 18:13

Also..... I hope you’re leaving the logistics / childcare / running around to him.

Original poster

TheBloodyDoorKnob · 16/01/2021 18:14

Eg every other Sat night or so thing and that's you time

I'd end up being accused of not liking his kids. He's said similar in the past when I've tried to nicely suggest that I'd prefer to stick to the arrangement so we can have some time alone for once.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2021 18:14

Perhaps you would be much happier with a man who doesn't have children. Nothing wrong with that, btw.

Original poster

TheBloodyDoorKnob · 16/01/2021 18:14

How can you possibly plan your life in advance? Do you get to do anything together as a couple?

We can't. Ever. It's a huge problem and always has been. But to him, seeing his kids come before anything else even if it's prearranged so he'll always happily cancel things and expect me to be happy to as well.

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/01/2021 18:17

Op no offence but you need to but on your assertive pants and say. Non negotiable or it won't work. Its not evry week or even changing contact 1 night a week garabteed you n dp time or even just you time our of 7 is reasonable. That way he can spend the other 6 with his kids however he chooses, he choose a relationship with you after kids and so he needs to recognise your needs too.

Stantons · 16/01/2021 18:18

@aquamarine1029 a man can have children and still treat his OH with respect, take her views into account and discuss with her. OP is not in the wrong her so hush with the cliched replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/01/2021 18:18

Honestly if he doesn't change he won't have you much longer... This will destroy your relationship

AaronPurr · 16/01/2021 18:19

@TheBloodyDoorKnob

Eg every other Sat night or so thing and that's you time

I'd end up being accused of not liking his kids. He's said similar in the past when I've tried to nicely suggest that I'd prefer to stick to the arrangement so we can have some time alone for once.

OP this really isn't going to work. Of course he wants to spend time with his children, but he's already making digs and turning you into a wicked stepmother just for making a completely reasonable request. I'm not usually one to say leave a relationship, but he's making it clear he doesn't want to spend time with you, and I fear you'll only get more resentful of the situation the longer it continues.

NataliaOsipova · 16/01/2021 18:21

You’re not unreasonable. At all. The problem is, neither is he - not really. He’s just a really committed dad who loves having his kids. But it must make having a relationship with him pretty gruesome....

Santaiscovidfree · 16/01/2021 18:22

My( now ex) dh's ex flipped when he said he wouldn't commit to having dc every Saturday night...
Marriages like dc need nurturing imo.
Your dh is risking his dc going thorough another divorce..

punkylaroux · 16/01/2021 18:26

If he's not willing to take your feelings into account it's going to be a big problem, as you're just going to get more resentful. I'd draw your line in the sand on this on. Is the custody in writing or just a formal arrangement? At the end of the day it's your home too, so you need to be respected.

ihavenowords30 · 16/01/2021 19:01

I couldn't stand for this without good reason, you guys need couple time too, why would he think you want to be around his kids 90% of the time and what's the deal with their mum! If he won't even listen to you wanting structure I doubt he's going to be the best partner for you x

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 16/01/2021 19:01

@TheBloodyDoorKnob

How can you possibly plan your life in advance? Do you get to do anything together as a couple?

Seeing his children may be his priority but surely not at the cost of respect towards you and at the cost of your relationship.

No way would I cancel my plans. I’d carry on and leave him at home playing Disney Dad.
If he didn’t change then that would be a deal breaker for me.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s a horrid situation for you. I tolerated nonsense from DH, the SC and their mother for years before I finally snapped.

Tiredoftattler · 16/01/2021 19:03

He has both explicitly stated his preferences and his willingness an happiness in having his children over whenever they are available. It does not really matter whether we think this to be reasonable, it only matter whether you are willing to live this way.

You might try asking him why or if he still has a need or desire to spend any alone time with you? The problem is not the presence of his children; the problem is that he makes no plans to spend alone time with you. That is a relationship problem and not a child related problem. A man who is feeling the need or desire to spend alone time with you will make it happen without proding.

Ask him to consider going with you for couples counseling. Surely , at some stage in your relationship , he demonstrated the need to be alone with you and yet still managed to spend time with his children. You need to discover why he seems to no longer need that time with you.

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