Evil Stepmum’s Greetings Card Collection

[KumquatSalad]

Here on stepparenting, we are developing an exciting new range of greetings cards to help express your feelings to the evil stepmother in your life.

Come share your designs with us. There’s a large untapped market out there to be captured. 😁

It is Constantly seen on mumsetnet people bashing the new partner. I understand that situations are different and some stepmums deserve it but not the majority.

As soon as the tables are turned and similar things are said about stepchildrens mum suddenly it becomes out of order.

What blows my mind is when certain mothers for no reason at all will cause issues for the new woman and her family for personal satisfaction and not see by doing this the only person effected is her child.

People cannot expect to write a 19 page thread abusing woman who are trying to make a family/life that includes step children then not be described as bitter. Saying you will never be as important as a first family or second weddings are tacky does indeed come across extremely bitter.

But I think you may have totally missed the point...

@Msnet11212 I think you have totally misunderstood this thread.
It’s satire written about SMs by us the SMs.

The cards aren’t bashing stepmothers, we’re taking the piss and making a joke of the things that are regularly said to us by people on this board or in real life.

This thread is funny and cathartic, but I think the joke has completely gone over your head.

You have totally missed the point @Msnet11212. I am a stepmother and my DH has a horrible, manipulative ex. We are not bashing step mothers at all.

I was also a single mum for a long, hard 5 years and I don’t want to vilify single mothers!

@KumquatSalad

Can I just say this thread is amazing and has made my morning. 😂

I’m so confused by some of the recent comments.

It’s a thread (totally tongue in cheek) made by SM’s about things said to SM’s. By a variety of people across society - including (unfortunately) the partners/ husbands of said SM’s.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Here we go!

This is so true. Literally cannot win with CMS. 🙄

Ahh it didn't copy the image! Here

I’m a single mum. I’m not offended by the “single mum” comment because I know it’s not aimed at me.

It’s weird though, because if someone made a general sweeping comment about stepmums being bitches, I would have been offended by that.

I think it’s because I’m more confident and secure in my position as a mum. Even more so now that I’m single and have my own life and rules and routines away from my ex so fuck everyone else’s opinions. Whereas as a stepmum I really wasn’t confident at all and felt like my life and my children’s lives were being controlled by other people including the dsc. So to be called a bitch on top of all that when I was trying my damn hardest and quite often in place of my ex who was bone idle, I would have been really pissed off at that.

If all of that makes sense!

It’s weird though, because if someone made a general sweeping comment about stepmums being bitches, I would have been offended by that

So by your logic, sweeping statements with some misogny thrown in for good measure about single mums are fine. Sweeping statements about stepmums are offensive.

I am entirely comfortable with my single parent status and can see the shit that step mums get on here (even if I find this thread weird) and in real life in general but if you're going to suggest one is fine but the other isn't, you're really not helping the case. Single parents get huge piles of shite thrown at them from all angles. Whilst I don't believe one bit in the sisterhood, one group of women throwing crap at another group of women is really very, very low. Particularly given that there is considerable overlap between the two groups.

Tell you what, wouldn't it be nice to see a group of step mums acknowledge that there are step mums amongst them that do set out to make life difficult for both ex and children, do interfere with maintenance payments and do actively seek to have step children as little as possible in their homes?

If my step sons got me one of these I'd piss myself laughing.

@Watchingbehindmyhands I can’t acknowledge that because I don’t know any. Frankly the few SM’s I know are basically pulling their hair out because of two things.

1. the dysfunction around the SC in their home compounded by ridiculous Disney dad behaviour, thereby creating a two tier system for the resident children
2. the control EXW’S have in their lives via the children.

Very rarely is it about money, because all the SM’a i know IRL have their independence financially via their own careers.

@sassbott and yet there are plenty of threads here with just those themes. So what you want is for people who may have little understanding of the step mother experience to see things from your particular perspective but all those other threads should just be ignored or dismissed as being somehow wrong because they are not your experience?

@Watchingfrombehindmyhands No they're just not the subject of this thread. None of the SMs here would say those things about single mum's, we have more than enough experience of the harmful effect of these stereotypical responses. I would fully support a thread by single mum's about the derogatory comments they face, but this thread isn't about that or an example of it.

So by your logic, sweeping statements with some misogny thrown in for good measure about single mums are fine. Sweeping statements about stepmums are offensive.

I didn’t say they’re fine. Hence why I said it’s weird. I’m just saying that the comments towards ex wives resonate with me more because I had the pleasure of enduring 10 years dealing with a horrible one. I KNOW that doesn’t apply to all of them, but when I see some of the comments on here from ex wives it just clouds my views even further. EVEN THOUGH I am an ex myself!

I’m pretty sure there are posters on here who are upset with their children’s stepmum, see posts on here that reinforce their upset and then think the same as me but towards stepmums. So it happens in reverse. We all just project our own experiences on here. I had more bad experiences as a stepmum than I have as an ex.

FWIW I know there are nice people on both sides and horrible ones. And just to be clear my ex’s ex wife isn’t a single mum and hasn’t been for a long long time, so it’s not really single mums it’s mums of first children that remind me of her when they are unreasonable. Some just happen to be single. I won’t give her the credit of being a single mum when she isn’t one.

[quote sassbott]**@Watchingbehindmyhands I can’t acknowledge that because I don’t know any. Frankly the few SM’s I know are basically pulling their hair out because of two things.

1. the dysfunction around the SC in their home compounded by ridiculous Disney dad behaviour, thereby creating a two tier system for the resident children
2. the control EXW’S have in their lives via the children.

Very rarely is it about money, because all the SM’a i know IRL have their independence financially via their own careers.[/quote]
@Watchingbehindmyhands having had a think about it I'm the same as sassbot in that I don't know any SM who interfere with maintenance or the other things you listed. What I do have direct knowledge of is shit/absent fathers and also mothers who threaten to, or actually, block contact.

I do acknowledge that the type of SM you describe exists - in fact this very thread is in part driven by decent step parents being tarred with the same brush as them. Just because we're not addressing it more fully on a thread created for SMs to vent doesn't mean we deny it happens, any more than I would expect a venting thread started over in Lone Parents to focus on mothers who block contact and/or encourage parental alienation.

@Watchingbehindmyhands I'm an exw & I can tell you that the amount of people who expected, & wanted, me to vilify my exh & his partner (who WAS the OW) was unreal. However I never did.
I was told I should get more money out of him; that I shouldn't let her near the kids; that I should 'protect' my kids from them once she got pregnant etc. etc. The mistrust & suspicion of sms is very real in society & I say that as a 'first wife'.
My own experience of being in a relationship with a man with dc & an exw was pretty awful. His exw behaved as I'd be encouraged to do but didn't. She spread lies about me & my dc to their dc, exdp's family & even school teachers. She constantly harassed exdp over money even though she & the dc were getting nearly all his salary anyway. She screamed abuse at exdp on drop offs calling be names in front of their dc & neighbours. She played the victim card with their dc & exdp's family & ensured their dc never felt comfortable in my presence because even though exdp refuted her lies her dc did not want to acknowledge their dm's is a barefaced liar. There is no doubt in my mind that she broke us up as I walked away from the relationship as I could take no more. She was pure poison.
All the sm's I personally know are kind, rational people who support themselves financially. I'm sorry to say it but there exists a type of 'first wife' out there who is just awful, & again I'm sorry to say it, but it's been my experience that the nasty, bitter exw's are nearly always women who don't work (out of choice) & who lose their s**t when they see someone else close to their ATM - because they don't see their exh's as fathers, they see them as ATM machines that are supposed to keep giving them money even when they are too lazy to get up off their arses are support themselves.

Bloody hell, like @LaMarschallin I never realised the internalised hatred for step mums on here.

I’ve just turned 40 and may be about to have my first step mum. She’s lovely and makes my dad incredibly happy. If I had children she would be their Nan (if she wanted to be)

You really can’t do right for doing wrong can you? Attempt to treat them as your own, discipline, boundaries etc and you’re overstepping. Let the your partner do the parenting and you’re cold and uncaring. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Sadly a lot of the time it looks like the problem is your DP, as much as the SC or the X. You must be saints, and the shit you get on here is unreal... wonder if MN can ban users from posting in certain topics??

@Watchingbehindmyhands perhaps I am being selective on the threads I post on on here but no, I don’t think most threads on here showcase SM’s acting the way you seem to think they do.
If I’m blunt, most of the threads are about SM’s at their wits end. Being on the receiving end of pretty poor behaviour (either from the SC/ their partner/ the EXW/ possibly a combo of all of these), and turning here to ask whether any of it is normal/ acceptable.

Sadly, IRL, so much of the BS pedalled out on these threads (hence the cards) is also told to SM’s. So much so that when they say enough (as I did), I was told there was something wrong with me. I was ‘not normal’. Etc etc.

I am an EXW. I am a mother. I co parent with my exh (who was with the OW). Civilly, boundaried and he pays me not one penny. He sees the children on a loose structure but we both remain completely flexible. Sadly, I acknowledge one thing- women like me are exceptionally rare.

So sorry, I base a lot on my first hand experiences. Yes I’m sure there are some nasty SM’s out there. But I can categorically say that the bitter ex wife? Far more of those exist and they are the ones fighting for every penny with one hand, whilst fighting even a sliver of additional contact with the others. They carry an inate sense of; you will pay me to raise my children, but please f**k off and don’t interfere.

More of these women exist then nasty SM’s.

it's been my experience that the nasty, bitter exw's are nearly always women who don't work (out of choice) & who lose their st when they see someone else close to their ATM - because they don't see their exh's as fathers, they see them as ATM machines that are supposed to keep giving them money even when they are too lazy to get up off their arses are support themselves.

This resonates so strongly with me. We've had this for almost 6 years now. Your description is perfect - exW doesn't work through choice and sees DP as nothing more than a walking ATM.

I* am an EXW. I am a mother. I co parent with my exh (who was with the OW). Civilly, boundaried and he pays me not one penny. He sees the children on a loose structure but we both remain completely flexible. Sadly, I acknowledge one thing- women like me are exceptionally rare.*

Seems I'm in the rare camp too. I co parent quite successfully with my exH, we are both flexible with arrangements, I actually quite like and respect her stepmum, and he pays me a very small amount of CMS each month due to his low income (which I don't need and wouldn't necessarily notice if it wasn't paid, since I have worked my arse for a successful career of my own that pays more).

On the other hand, DP's ex has done nothing but try to squeeze every last penny out of him for years, whilst demanding he jump to her every demand when it comes to contact time. It's exhausting.

About as expected then, really. That I don’t think most threads on here showcase SM’s acting the way you seem to think they do denies the experience of many women in dealing with ex and new partner. I never said ‘most’.

I have existed on MN for a long time in many different forms. My children’s experience of step mum’s has been pretty dire. I acknowledge this is, in the main, the choices my ex makes and his lies. Interestingly enough, always women who don’t work and who are, on the face of it, comfortable with his refusal to pay maintenance. I dropped the CMS case many years ago as it cost me more mentally than it ever actually cost him. I hope I die before I retire because I have very little pension and fuck all savings to see me through. 3 children - born in marriage and raised on one very average wage have taken their toll.

My children have been emotionally abused by the women my ex has taken up with. Years of being told their mother is a lazy bitch by women who don’t work have taken their toll on my ex’s relationship with his children. It irks me that I might as well have been ‘one of those ex wives’ because for all my reasonableness and fairness, their lives have been blighted. It’s not right.

And I know that someone, somewhere will now say that this is my fault, that I must be money grabbing or lazy because ‘no smoke without fire’....it’s always the same. Called a liar, assumed ‘bitter’, ignored and belittled.

I'm sorry to say it, but it's been my experience that the nasty, bitter exw's are nearly always women who don't work (out of choice) & who lose their st when they see someone else close to their ATM - because they don't see their exh's as fathers, they see them as ATM machines that are supposed to keep giving them money even when they are too lazy to get up off their arses are support themselves

This is so true. My DP’a ex wasn’t so bad at first. She used to work part time (minimum 16hrs required to be able to claim working benefits) but decided to give up her job 2.5 years ago.
Since then she has neither tried to retrain or look for work.
Suddenly the maintenance DP pays is never enough and she constantly says “but you know I’m not working” as if it is up to us to fill the gap the loss of her wage and working tax credits has created.

She made a choice to stop working and seems furious that DP isn’t willing to support that. Her working part time seemed odd and unnecessary given the kids ages and when she decided to be a SAHM the kids were nearly 14 & 10 and she’d been split from my DP for 9 years.

I have lost all respect for her as she seems to be green with envy over everything we buy or do. She was apoplectic with rage when she saw our new house for the first time. Within 5 mins of her dropping the kids off the angry texts demanding more money starting coming through.

In the end I called her myself and said our finances are none of her business, I am also a wage earner and what I earn is nothing to do with her, will not be taken into account with regards to maintenance and will be spent however I see fit.

I also pointed out that we have these nice things because during the time she’s decided not to work I have been back to university, completed a masters degree which I passed with distinction, worked in one job role for 18 months and have already been promoted... all whilst raising 2 very young primary age (and nursery age at the time) children as a single parent.

If she wants more money or a certain lifestyle then she can earn it herself.

*She was apoplectic with rage when she saw our new house for the first time. Within 5 mins of her dropping the kids off the angry texts demanding more money starting coming through.
*
We had exactly this when DP collected the kids in our new (admittedly quite flash) car (that incidentally we both worked our arses off to afford while she's chosen not to work despite extensive family support / childcare options). Despite the fact he was already paying above and beyond maintenance.

@LouJ85 my partner has always paid more then the calculated CMS amount, mobiles phones, insurances for electronics, every single haircut or pair of glasses, all of their uniforms, school trips etc.
But it’s still never enough for her.