Evil Stepmum’s Greetings Card Collection

[KumquatSalad]

Here on stepparenting, we are developing an exciting new range of greetings cards to help express your feelings to the evil stepmother in your life.

Come share your designs with us. There’s a large untapped market out there to be captured. 😁

@Watchingbehindmyhands I do agree with the points in your post but I think you’ve misread the room with it.

The whole point of this thread is that as step parents, we experience a lot of situations where we post about an issue and get rounded on by posters criticising us because they’re projecting their own situation onto ours to an extent you don’t get on other boards.

Maintenance is a very common one for projection - a thread will often get derailed because an OP has to explain again and again that their household pays a substantial amount of maintenance plus extras and there are no circumstances as to why the RP in their situation couldn’t retrain or look for work. But they will still be slammed and given irrelevant responses by people who simply can’t accept that not all separated parents struggle financially.

The poster whom you quoted took care to specify they were referring to higher maintenance payments in some situations. I don’t think one person on this thread has said that CMS calculations are fit for purpose. But you’re talking to us as though we’d look at your points about lack of childcare, children’s ill health, absence of family support etc and go “Pah! Excuses!”

This is what we are fighting back against with this thread - all the assumptions and prejudice and outright refusal to take a SM’s post at face value even after they’ve clarified that in their particular case, XYZ circumstances apply. I’m not saying a SM shouldn’t be questioned. It’s just there are certain posters who circle this board who have no interest in the answers. They’re literally there only to try and create another opportunity to bash step parents, NRPs and their own useless exes/parents.

I also think it is interesting that so many people on MN expect SMs to even know what maintenance is being paid.

I know DP pays maintenance, because we had a discussion about expenditure when it came to sharing bills, etc. But I don't know what the value is; our bills get paid and then we keep our income and savings separate.

It also frustrates me that DP has asked for years to see DSD more regularly. Not as a way to reduce maintenance, because I don't think he would. But because he wants to see DSD more. However, the ex won't allow it. The slightly evil side of me thinks why should anyone have to pay maintenance when they actually want to see their children more, but aren't allowed to?

@Watchingbehindmyhands getting child maintenance paid won't help as it has an end date the biggest thing that will help is affordable childcare e.g. childcare based on a woman's earnings. I've worked in Nordic countries and that's what they have in place so women can work.

There was also social pressure that meant all fathers were expected to have their child 50/50.

It worked both ways as meant mothers couldn't come up with bullshit excuses why the dad couldn't have their child, while fathers knew they had to step up. Both parents knew they would be called out by anyone they knew if they weren't doing what was expected and if they allowed it to escalate SS would get involved.

Obviously there are still issues with their systems as not all nurseries are equal, there was no childcare for kids under a certain age e.g. 2 years and people still have the emotional issues that lead them to cause problems like in the UK.

@EvilKinevil your situation sounds horrendous

Would your DH agree to couples counselling?

@harriethoyle @timelord92 similar situation which has lead to DP having a CAO. DP's ex decided to play the abuse victim and unfortunately for her all the legal people involved go the measure of her. This was after they all initially gave her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway the CAO is more prescriptive than the initial agreement they had it, and DP was advised to stick to the CAO like glue as they all knew his ex would try to circumvent it. Guess what? She keeps trying...

@Watchingbehindmyhands I agree with your points also but I feel that the majority of women on here are dealing with exw's who actively choose not to work as they believe living off their exh/p is somehow their ongoing right.
It's absolutely not easy for single mothers and we do need better supports, as per Scandinavian countries, but that does not give us the right to live off our dcs' fathers well into teenage/young adulthood.
Even when married with small dc I always worked (mainly part time) & though it was exhausting that bit of financial independence was vital to my feeling secure about my future. This I think, is the key element here; women are still subtly taught by society that 'the man should provide'. And I get it, I truly do. I did the majority, housework, childcare etc. with my dc all eye while working which included many weekends. I was wrecked & could have stopped but I didn't, as I knew it would be a slippery slope. This was especially hard after exh & I broke up. I then went back to work ft & hired an au pair - it would literally never have occurred to me to live off my exh. However, I was truly shocked at the time at how many people told me I was mad; that I was exhausting myself; that I should be smart & just just make exh pay! No! My dc have two parents & both will provide for them.
I think a lot women are like this but you're not going to hear about them on here. This is a forum for people struggling & unfortunately one of the biggest struggles sm's have is with exws & exps who flatly refuse to take ANY financial responsibility for their dcs & who live in a bubble of their own entitlement because they believe pushing out their dc is their life's work.
@EvilKinevil - you have my utmost sympathy - that's a horrible position to be in & I too would suggest couples counselling unless you think things are just too far gone .

This is one of my absolute favourites.

ASofaNearYou I saw that on the other thread! How annoying!
You’ve said it perfectly on the card though

@funinthesun19 It's such an obvious slip up in logic that it really shows up how ingrained the mentality that a man's "first family" (as they are always called) is his only proper one.

Really grinds my gears that people are still making that comment!

@Mycathateseverybody @Sassbott @Harriethoyle thank you for replying.

I've never posted here because I didn't want to get all the said quotes in the greetings cards. We've been to couples counselling with two different counsellors. It was ok and worked for a while, but he's back to his old attitude. I have to fall in line and if I don't then all hell breaks loose.

I'm not sure why SS can stay at our house for two weeks as his mum needs a break, and that's ok, but for me to tell SS that we need three days out of seven to ourselves, which is something that has been agreed, isa totally unacceptable thing to say and a rejection. At which SS is apparently very very upset. And now not wanting to come around at all, "and well done, Evilkinevil, this will impact on our kids now as they won't see him."

DH told me last night that SS is now technically homeless and sleeping on a sofa. I said it would have been useful to know that. He said "I didn't tell you that because you wouldn't give a f**k"

So he hadn't told me that so I didn't see why SS was coming around to our house every day. When I asked SS yesterday how things were at home with his mum and he said "Yes, better thanks". I then asked him to stick to the days. having checked there was no other reason he was coming round so much.

So this is all my fault. The fact his BM has somehow made them "homeless" - sleeping at her ex boyfriend's house, is irrelevant.
This is HIS HOME. "Before I met you he had a home with me whenever he needed a break from his mum" etc etc.

I may print out all of the greetings cards and put them up inside my wardrobe door...

@EvilKinevil I totally get why you've been reluctant about posting for support. I can just hear the wails now - "I could never turn a child away from their home you awful, awful woman" while conveniently ignoring that if it were your own child you'd never be put in a position of being expected to accept them refusing to speak to or engage with you for six months. Then even if they did acknowledge that aspect they'd still insist it was your fault because you MUST have done something to deserve it. "Oh poor DSS probably picked up that you didn't want him coming over because you don't want him in your house." Er, how about he wasn't pulled up on treating his SM like shit so of course SM was going to start not enjoying his visits and need some breathing space away from it?

Etc Etc. CONTEXT is key.

It does sound like you have an insurmountable DH problem if he won't take on board what your counsellor is advising. I really do feel for you

[quote EvilKinevil]**@Mycathateseverybody* @Sassbott* @Harriethoyle thank you for replying.

I've never posted here because I didn't want to get all the said quotes in the greetings cards. We've been to couples counselling with two different counsellors. It was ok and worked for a while, but he's back to his old attitude. I have to fall in line and if I don't then all hell breaks loose.

I'm not sure why SS can stay at our house for two weeks as his mum needs a break, and that's ok, but for me to tell SS that we need three days out of seven to ourselves, which is something that has been agreed, isa totally unacceptable thing to say and a rejection. At which SS is apparently very very upset. And now not wanting to come around at all, "and well done, Evilkinevil, this will impact on our kids now as they won't see him."

DH told me last night that SS is now technically homeless and sleeping on a sofa. I said it would have been useful to know that. He said "I didn't tell you that because you wouldn't give a f**k"

So he hadn't told me that so I didn't see why SS was coming around to our house every day. When I asked SS yesterday how things were at home with his mum and he said "Yes, better thanks". I then asked him to stick to the days. having checked there was no other reason he was coming round so much.

So this is all my fault. The fact his BM has somehow made them "homeless" - sleeping at her ex boyfriend's house, is irrelevant.
This is HIS HOME. "Before I met you he had a home with me whenever he needed a break from his mum" etc etc.

I may print out all of the greetings cards and put them up inside my wardrobe door...[/quote]
This is what I was taking about.
SM tells her DHs child when he is and isn’t allowed to see his dad. Even though both the dad and the boy want to see each other. But it doesn’t suit the SM and it’s HER house, (not the dad’s or the boy’s).
She can’t even take a step back wait a couple of years until the the clearly unhappy boy is older and becomes less dependent on the dad. Nope! It’s all about her now. (Or will be until the dad has enough and puts his child first!)

@Coronswireless posts, oh here we go. Prepare to be enlightened folks!

You only have to look at the mentality on here to see why there’s such a mental health crisis in younger people.

@Coronawireless funnily enough the counsellor that EvilKievil and her DH are seeing, who I assume is a qualified professional, thinks EvilKinevil* has a point?

@Coronawireless

You only have to look at the mentality on here to see why there’s such a mental health crisis in younger people.

Yeah, I'm sure being told it's acceptable to blank your SM for six months whilst living under her roof does wonders for the mental health.

@Coronawireless I can assure you my SS is not having a mental health crisis due to me. You are drawing wild conclusions from a very small list of examples you are using to "prove" your agenda.

Errr, the dad is upstairs on Zoom all day. The SS is very welcome four days a week. The SS didn’t come to our house at all for a year, this meant The Dad would take him for a meal every Friday night and spend copious amounts of time one to one with him while I looked after our two children.

Oh @Coronawireless you are funny. “ They just want to be together! How dare you ruin that by birthing two joint children and expecting time with your husband??”

I have spent more one to one time with SS than my own children when he was younger. Yes, even when The Dad didn’t have any other children. I was very useful as free childcare.

@funinthesun19 It's such an obvious slip up in logic that it really shows up how ingrained the mentality that a man's "first family" (as they are always called) is his only proper one.

Absolutely! It really shows people up for how they truly feel!
That clearly was not mistake on that thread. That poster knew what they were putting based on that ingrained mentality you mentioned.

You only have to look at the mentality on here to see why there’s such a mental health crisis in younger people.

Oh yes I agree! I’ve seen some awful attitudes aimed at stepmums and their children over the years, and I think it’s no bloody wonder they are protective of their own children. You’re not even allowed to have ice cream with your own children ffs.

@MyCatHatesEverybody you totally get it, thank you. DH has just texted to say “SS won’t be coming back here again. Just spoken to him. So that keeps things simple.” Wish me luck when the sh*tsorm starts up once I get back home from work.

Hopefully not in front of the (second family therefore irrelevant) kids, but probably.

I think this card is timely. Honestly if anyone else was stonewalled for 6 days let alone 6 months no one would be saying "oh the perpetrator's just unhappy, let's think of ways to appease them."

As for anyone who says "but you're talking about a child," even children reach an age where they can reasonably be held accountable for their actions. If they're genuinely too young for that then let's place the blame firmly where it belongs - on their PARENT for allowing it to happen.

Sigh. It's sad isn't it? I lent my computer to dsc for school work as both parnwts couldn't be bothered to sort it. Not a word of thanks from anyone involved, just rude.
Children stay in my home that I soley pay for that's clean and warm due to me and my work.
Eat fruit and veg as dp is useless as I. Cook for them.

Yes.. They are clearly very hard done by to have a stepmum indeed lol

@MyCatHatesEverybody, that is perfect. I hadn't thought about it as abuse from SS before but it is. I was clearly being gaslighted throughout by my DH who would say things like " It doesn't matter that he doesn't have any examples of you being mean to him, it's just how he Feels.

Our family therapy sessions consisted of SS refusing to look at me but talking about me, and when asked for reasons why he wouldn't talk to me it was things like,

"Once when you were walking me to school when I was 8, you asked me if I'd done my violin practise and I was scared of telling you that I hadn't." I asked back, And what happened when you told me you hadn't?" and he answered. "I can't remember."

And a more recent example of my hostility in same sessions was....
"You once came in the room I was in and started hanging laundry on a clothes airer, in an aggressive fashion while I was watching a programme on my laptop." ( I do shake the clothes out so I don't have to iron them, I think that's what he must have been referring to.)

Our couples therapy was helpful eventually, but at first my DH would tell me to fck off, shut up, and a couple of times yelled at me " He's scared shtless of you".

SO abuse, yes, is a very good word for everything that has been going on. It feels good to write this down. My friends know about it but nobody is a SM so I haven't anybody to compare this with.

But basically the issue is rather the DH than anything else.

Yes.. They are clearly very hard done by to have a stepmum indeed lol

People really overlook how much stepmums actually do. There’s you lending your laptop to them and making them healthy meals and providing a roof over their heads. And if you wasn’t around they wouldn’t have a laptop, they’d be eating chips and wouldn’t be in the lovely home you own. And all people can do is go on about what you don’t do or what you should be doing and how hard done by they are.

I had a similar experience when I was a stepmum. I provided more stability for his child than they would have had if he was on his own. And the proof of that is so clear now that I’m no longer with him. No convenient stepmum to see to his kids for him. But all his ex wife could do was nit pick at stupid things. Totally forgetting the fact that her child’s father is the way he is.