Evil Stepmum’s Greetings Card Collection

[KumquatSalad]

Here on stepparenting, we are developing an exciting new range of greetings cards to help express your feelings to the evil stepmother in your life.

Come share your designs with us. There’s a large untapped market out there to be captured. 😁

❤️ this.

I also remember a time when I wandered into my bedroom (I have an en suite that is categorically accepted by my children as mine and mine alone).
To my exes child using the toilet (when the other bathroom and downstairs toilet was empty). I asked him why said child was using my bathroom and he replied ‘oh she likes it, she had a shower in there this morning.’ My reply? ‘I couldn’t care less if she likes it. It’s my private bathroom. My own children don’t use it. I don’t expect your children to. Make sure it doesn’t happen again.’

He didn’t get it (at all) but in all fairness to him, it didn’t happen again. I can only imagine if I had posted that example on here I would have been FLAMED! My view. It’s my house! And my private space.

It’s just non stop

@KumquatSalad

Thing is *@PardonMoiSir*, the maintenance is usually not relevant to the SM’s issue. It’s just a reflex from some people to demand to know if their husband is paying more than he has to.

Indeed, it’s a question about her husband’s choices. Not hers. SMs aren’t responsible for child maintenance for their stepchildren.

And the posters coming out with this stuff have an unquestioning view that whatever the minimum is it cannot be enough. You do see SMs berated because her DH only pays the minimum of £600 a month in maintenance, when he has the kids 40% of the time. In fact, why isn’t she contributing? Yet the fact that his ex is a SAHM to school age children doesn’t seem to generate the same questions about why she isn’t supporting her children financially.

So it’s both irrelevant and full of twisted logic.

Oh I'm not suggesting for a moment that these posters are right when they come on spouting the same shit about bare minimum. I'm saying they seem to get confused between a legal minimum and the actual cost of raising a child. They are two different things but posters like to band about the whole 'bare minimum' shit as if it actually is the bare minimum of raising a child in every circumstance.

In actual fact, maintenance can be either not enough or more than enough! But no one ever likes to admit the latter funnily. It certainly is not always the bare minimum in the way posters suggest it is on here!

And completely agree re it being nothing to do with the actual issue 9/10. I imagine it's because they can't find anything else to have a go about so try and find the magic 'thing' that they think means they can say 'AH HA see Dad is wrong because of something totally unrelated to the actual problem at hand'.

@sassbott it doesn't matter how hard you worked or continue to work in your career to reach the earning potential you have. Once you get involved with stepchildren all of your resources surely are now pooled to support the children that you didn't decide to have years ago?

Even more importantly if the mother chooses not to work (at all or even full time) them then you should support that life choice with cash from your own funds.

Ah thanks @Dollyparton3. There really should be a school for SM’s and these learnings should be on the curriculum!

(I’m finding this thread highly cathartic)

I agree with you on both parts actually.

Child maintenance calculations make little to no sense. And, sometimes, I wonder if the higher calculations aren’t doing the ex more harm than good. It’s another way that women end up not increasing their own earning potential because they can be dependent on a man’s income. It’s a precarious way to live, and in the long term it leaves women in dreadful situations.

Obviously I have no issue with sharing the costs of children and making sure they’re fine. Indeed, I receive child maintenance myself. So I really am not some weird MRA type here.

It’s more that in some situations, the higher maintenance payments genuinely aren’t paying for the children. The excess well beyond the costs of the children are propping up an ex who is choosing not to work. My concern there is actually that the woman ends up financially screwed once the kids grow up (especially if there’s also a mesher order on the house) rather than anything about the cost to the NRP.

As a SM, none of the maintenance stuff would be my concern really (DH’s contribution to the family pot is what makes it to the joint account after all deductions, and l give no more thought to the maintenance than his pension contributions), but I can foresee his ex (who is absolutely determined that she will not work - she’s clearly too good for that - and wants the world to pay for her) behaving absolutely abhorrently once the writing is on the wall and the child maintenance is coming to an end.

Genuinely, some kind of child support system that helped to ensure that she could afford to retrain/renew her qualifications and build a career. and supported her while childcare payments to do that and to work (plus the actual costs of having the kids slightly more than DH does) would be much better for her in the longer term. I can’t imagine it being cheaper for DH either (probably more expensive, as childcare is so expensive). But his ex would utterly hate it.

Now there’s a point of view that will go down like a lead balloon. But, again, I’m not worrying about the costs to NRPs. I actually think systems should encourage people to become independent and self sufficient as much as possible. It’s not good being at all financially dependent on your ex (especially where the relationship is hostile).

Also, I’m pretty sure that a system that saw any childcare bills as equally shared between parents, rather than just going for a percentage of the NRP’s salary reduced more or less depending on how many nights per year they stay at his house/under his care, would help far more resident parents than are disadvantaged by very large maintenance payments that allow them to choose not to work or to work very little.

All those women getting £7 a week and having to pay huge childcare bills, for example.

It isn't ok always to put your child first, regardless of the circumstances

Not strong enough. Try emphasising how awful the step mother is by pointing out that it's "absolutely NOT" ok, and call her immoral. That'll tell her.

“Actually, no, as mother of the second family you don’t get to make decisions for those children, you have to do what was decided for the existing children otherwise it’s not fair”

I was told this on a thread once, almost word for word. It’s burned on my brain in case I turn out to be a better mother in any way than my step child’s mother - I need to remember that it’s not allowed.

Now there’s a point of view that will go down like a lead balloon. But, again, I’m not worrying about the costs to NRPs. I actually think systems should encourage people to become independent and self sufficient as much as possible. It’s not good being at all financially dependent on your ex (especially where the relationship is hostile).

Well I've already seen the counter argument to that many times over on AIBU or Relationships. "When a couple agree for the mother to become a SAHM that agreement should still stand even after they separate." But why that particular element of the financial arrangements made during marriage/LTRs but not others? Tbf not many people agree with the once a SAHM always a SAHM philosophy but post the same thing on the Step Parenting board and we're awful for thinking a mother of older school age children should think about returning to work.

There's another elephant in the room when it comes to child maintenance - the RP will often be the one claiming any child related benefits etc even when access is 50/50 or very close. Although benefits aren't exactly generous as a main source of income it doesn't mean they can't add up to a meaningful amount of additional income, as in the case of my DH's ex.

But Lord help you if you point it out. "The RP is only claiming what they're entitled to. What's it got to do with you?" Erm because you're reeling off a list of every conceivable child-related expenditure an RP could possibly have to illustrate why they're hard done by, while ignoring that many of those expenditures will also apply to the NRP who not only isn't entitled to the same help as the RP but has maintenance as an outgoing as well.

"Well my ex never sees our DC so he has no costs and only pays £7 per week CMS."

YES BUT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT AN NRP WHO HAS THEIR DC ALMOST 50/50!

"You sound resentful..."

Child maintenance calculations make little to no sense. And, sometimes, I wonder if the higher calculations aren’t doing the ex more harm than good. It’s another way that women end up not increasing their own earning potential because they can be dependent on a man’s income. It’s a precarious way to live, and in the long term it leaves women in dreadful situations.

Oh i 100% agree with this. Ofc theres awful fathers out there who will pay nothing or the smallest amount possible for their children and they are cunts.

However theres also women out there who take the piss and think they should be able to sit at home not earning and rely on their ex to pay for everything although thats not a popular opinion on mn at all.

In my own situation the ex is a lazy cunt who has never worked a day in her life. Her daddy gave her money to travel the world where she came to the uk made friends, sponged off people, has a dc then immediately after met dp and got pregnant before returning to her home country in sa.

Shes now been back in the uk about 7 months. She has no intention in finding a job as ive found several local in walking distance that dont require qualifications and she wont apply. Shes not entitled to benefits at all (as much as knobheads on mn insist im lying and she must be, shes not. Shes not a british or eu citizen and hasnt been in the uk for over a year and hasnt paid any NI so shes entitled to absolutely nothing until she gets a job.)
As a result me and dp pay her rent, bills, food, all clothes and toys for dcs and he gives her any leftover money so she can get the bus to see her friends and have takeaways. This is alongside paying our own rent and bills and having the dc as much as she allows.

On one thread i was called a liar repeatedly, everyone expressed sympathy for the poor ex and how nasty we are to her. Oh and dp was ripped apart for wanting his child in the uk so he can raise her and give her a better life than she ever would have in africa. Apparently thats selfish of him and he should pay her to scrounge off us until thr kids are 18. But then even after 18 there will be people saying we should still fund her entire life.

Well I've already seen the counter argument to that many times over on AIBU or Relationships. "When a couple agree for the mother to become a SAHM that agreement should still stand even after they separate." But why that particular element of the financial arrangements made during marriage/LTRs but not others?

Yes. Of course. It’s clearly an agreement forevermore. How could it not be?

I’m not convinced it’s as often a joint decision as people on MN make out. DH’s ex wanted to be a SAHM. He was not keen. He kept offering to help her retrain so she could return to work. But in her words she ‘doesn’t work’. It wasn’t even an aversion to childcare - the baby went to nursery two days a week to give her a break. She just didn’t want to work and he says he thinks she’d never have gone back. But as he says, you can’t make someone work if they don’t want to.

It wasn’t even a supporting his career thing. He took a £30k pay cut so he could have a local job with no travel and be home to take over and do bedtime every night. It’d only 8 years later that he’s earning the same as he was, and all the pay rises and promotions have come after they split up.

He’s got lots of colleagues who complain that their wives won’t work. But they just put up with it because they’re well paid.

All of which means he’s not at all supportive of her claims that she needs to stay as a SAHM now the kids are school age.

I mean, I could refuse to go back to work after maternity leave too. There’s nothing he could do about it. But I don’t want to be financially dependent on him.

@Youseethethingis Here’s the card.

@KumquatSalad exact same happened with my exp. He and his EXW had been together years, he supported her sitting a host of professional qualifications. They agreed that while she may not work fulltime, she would always work and use her skills in a part time capacity (very easy to do). They got married and started a family. Baby arrived, she quit her job unilaterally and told him under no circumstances was she returning to work and she would be a FT SAHM. They separated, she now expects spousal for the forseeable future.

As he says, what could he have done? Frog March her into work? It caused arguments between them upon which she subsequently alleged (in court hearings) that his treatment of her was tantamount to financial abuse.

As a result me and dp pay her rent, bills, food, all clothes and toys for dcs and he gives her any leftover money so she can get the bus to see her friends and have takeaways. This is alongside paying our own rent and bills and having the dc as much as she allows

OMG how on earth are you and DP managing all that? Surely that's not sustainable? What's going to happen if she refuses to work...and she will refuse because she doesn't have to work if you're paying for everything. Is your DP frightened to stop paying all of that in case she returns to her home country? That's outrageous, I feel so bad for you.

Thank you so much for this post. It has kept me going today. Just half an hour ago my DH boomed at me “ You don’t get to decide!”, and there it is just above, in a greetings card! Just perfect.

@EvilKinevil
Hope you boomed some choice words back at him!
And gave him his card

Thought of another couple of cards

@RedMarauder

My post just reminded me of another one - Mum's deserve a break so teenager DSC must stay with their dad EOW regardless

(Except that mum doesn't work, all the adults in dad's house do, dad works some weekends and the teenagers are self-sufficient.)

This was my thread
Except it’s worse in the fact that not only do I work full time but I also have my own 2 young DCs whom I am homeschooling (not DP’s kids, they’re mine kids) and DP’s Ex who doesn’t work thought I should look after their teenage kids when DP isn’t able to give her a break.

I kid you not.

A break from what exactly??? She’s always saying she needs a break but she has more free time than anyone I know!

It’s another way that women end up not increasing their own earning potential because they can be dependent on a man’s income. It’s a precarious way to live, and in the long term it leaves women in dreadful situations

The statistics on maintenance are dire. The majority isn’t paid. What is paid averages at around £25 per week. For most women, the idea they are living off their ex is truly laughable. I do 3 jobs to make ends meet whilst he sits in his 5 bed detached he apparently pays no rent for with a brand new BMW on the drive....

Child maintenance itself is not the reason women don’t go back to work. You are doing women a disservice by thinking that - we all know that maintenance and child related benefits have an end date. The reasons women don’t return to work are personal to them but are varied and, if remaining single with children, frequently difficult to overcome. Years out of the workplace take their toll, minimum wage jobs are usually the least child-friendly, places at college with funding difficult to come by if your children are older than 5, university is expensive and many job related courses require round the clock, non-existent childcare. Not everyone has family to fall back on or a supportive ex. The workplace can be unforgiving if you are frequently manage children’s ill health on your own and god only knows how some single parents are now managing lockdown. Throw in even a minor illness or disability that needs regular hospital appointments and you’re buggered. It is easy to see why some take a ‘shut my eyes and it will all go away’ approach to the long term even if they know they shouldn’t.

The emphasis shouldn’t be about stupid, lazy women’s dependency on maintenance but rather what truly supportive measures can be put in place to enable women, but particularly single women with dependent children, to engage in satisfying work that pays a liveable wage. Training schemes, funding, targeted apprenticeships, laws that allow more flexibility, removal of 0 hour contracts, 24 hour childcare, etc etc would all help. But mainly, removal of political denial that there is a problem with child maintenance not being paid would likely have the biggest impact.

OMG how on earth are you and DP managing all that? Surely that's not sustainable? What's going to happen if she refuses to work...and she will refuse because she doesn't have to work if you're paying for everything. Is your DP frightened to stop paying all of that in case she returns to her home country? That's outrageous, I feel so bad for you.

Its not sustainable longterm no. Dp is terrified of her taking dd back to africa and never seeing her again. Afterall she took her once before theres nothing to stop her doing it again. We think we need to get her to agree to go back to sa and put him on the birth certificate there as she cant have a british one. Hopefully after the pandemic we will be able to sort it out if she pkays ball which seems unlikely.

It was because I’d asked his teenage SS to stick to the days we’d recently agreed for coming round. Which are now every week, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. So we get Sunday to Tuesday as a family of four with our two small children. 3 days. He’d come around on Monday and this was on the Tuesday I’d said it. Last week he was round all the days too. So I told him really nicely and calmly why I need those boundaries in place and he was totally fine about it. To me. I talked to SS and not DH as DH would have ended up shouting at me.

And this is recent as before then he stopped speaking to me altogether for about six months and refused to do anything with me there, but still wanted to meet up with my DH and children. My DH thought this was fine as “It’s how he feels”. We’ve been married 8 years. I was not the OW.

We ended up in family therapy, me, stepson, and DH. Where’s the mum in all this? Stirring the pot! Apparently she’s unbalanced so that’s that.
Our marriage is completely dependent on the happiness of his SS. If I comply everything is fine. But if I don’t, I get threatened with divorce, but nothing actually happens. He shouts at me (and this morning, sarcastically sings at me, “you’re right congratulations!”) in front of our little ones. He told me last night that if he’d known it was going to be like this he wouldn’t have married me...

I’m having therapy but the only thing we ever talk about is my DH and SS.

I think I know the answer, it’s just about having the strength to do it.

Sorry this is in answer to @Youseethethingis

Oh I had the whole “ this is his HOME!” As well this morning. Another greetings card quote! They really do help you keep calm which you’re being shouted at, @KumquatSalad

,
for you @EvilKinevil sounds horrific

He told me last night that if he’d known it was going to be like this he wouldn’t have married me... I’m having therapy but the only thing we ever talk about is my DH and SS. I think I know the answer, it’s just about having the strength to do it.

That’s heartbreaking. I am so so so sorry for you.
I guess the only words of advice I can give is not to make any big decisions right now. This pandemic is messing with everyone. And start to make a plan b (if you haven’t already).

Have you done any counselling with just your DH and you? I can’t believe this is how he thinks it’s acceptable to behave.