Evil Stepmum’s Greetings Card Collection

[KumquatSalad]

Here on stepparenting, we are developing an exciting new range of greetings cards to help express your feelings to the evil stepmother in your life.

Come share your designs with us. There’s a large untapped market out there to be captured. 😁

Oh the mum is NEVER wrong. Doesnt matter if buys her teen nothing but alcohol for Christmas, let's him sleep all day and encourages him switch to a lesser college course behind his dads back. Its obviously my fault he's unhappy for having a baby. Give me a moment whilst I fetch my shame bell.

@blackcat86 - it is a common theme with drop out step-child, who are frequently boys, that it is the father and step-mother's fault when they live with their mother.

KumquatSalad that is a beautifully written step parenting example of "she divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink.

I guess that is exactly what it is. And, you are totally right that it’s always part of a wider dynamic and pattern.

I’m not sure it matters much that it’s impossible to convince posters like @Coronawireless. There are loads of people reading MN who just didn’t realise what kind of unhelpful, nasty rubbish SMs get as replies in here. These are people who hadn’t given any real thought to the complexities that make blended family life so difficult or how what look like ‘extreme’ responses come about. I mean, why would you be thinking about that if you’re not (or haven’t been) stuck in the middle of it.

It’s why ‘you knew what you were getting in to’ is such absolute nonsense. How could you possibly imagine a dynamic that could have you contemplating divorce over houseplants - when you don’t even much like houseplants? Insert any other petty or mundane example in there and it’s the same thing.

These situations are like being a boiled frog. They start out ok and you think it’ll all be different for you. After all, you’re a reasonable person. Your partner is (that’s why you love him). You like children. You are willing to compromise. But gradually, over time, it becomes unbearable and the dynamic eventually boils you alive.

It’s so easy to sit there and think ‘I’d never get so worked up over plants/bubble bath/towels/fortnite/etc’. But you might. Especially when you have so little control and are so easily scapegoated. In a nuclear family, you’d just tell your kids off and make them clean it up. You might even ban them from the sodding conservatory until they are willing to behave. It’d all be in controversial and something you could deal with, even if your husband were being useless.

But stepfamilies just aren’t like that. They don’t work that way. Even in fairly successful ones, the dynamics do not allow a SM to behave as she would in a nuclear family.

Maybe some of the people who are willing to think about this will be able to be the helpful kind of posters who respond to an SM, even where she’s posting about a situation that might sound extreme, with compassion and empathy. They might reach for, ‘how has it come to this?’, rather than ‘well, you knew what you were getting in to’ etc.

A genuine response on here once was:

“Your husband must continue to pay CSA. Even if your stepson is a permanent resident at your house. It’s on the off chance that he will want to stay at his mum’s house, she needs to be able to afford the space for him.”

Following this my stepson spent 1 night at his mum’s, except he didn’t because she had a drunken fight with her sister so he called us to collect him at midnight. I did mention she was an alcoholic narc but nevermind.

Oh gosh not actual houseplants @KumquatSalad - but that sort of thing

Can we have one for maintenance? No matter how many hours you and your partner work and pay maintenance + + + you will never be allowed to feel that you're contributing enough (even though the RP works 10 hours a week, kept all the marital assets and the kids are old enough to drive themselves to school in the car you bought them)

Small print: RP has trained the kids to report on any monetary purchases in your home

(This was real life, but similar sentiment has been voiced on here)

@Dollyparton3 Yes "Maintenance is the bare minimum, you have no idea the cost to raise a child" needs to be one.

Usually said with no actual knowledge of how much the NRP pays and despite the OP possibly having her own children.

Also, maintenance should be paid even though the 'children' are adults.

Does anyone else remember the thread a few years back where the DH had lost his job and OP was working every extra hour she could get to pay the bills and was told she should be taking a second weekend job to pay her husbands CM?
The poor woman was on her knees but god forbid her husbands ex should have do the same and tighten her belt or take a few W extra shifts
It was a truly breathtaking thread.

Here we go!

@MyCatHatesEverybody 😂😂 perfect!

The thing with maintenance is that yes LEGALLY speaking it is the minimum someone has to pay.

That in no way means the amount is always the minimum required to raise a child. In fact sometimes it's much less! I.e. in the case of the £7 a week type scenarios.

But it certainly isn't a 'minimum' when it comes to higher earning NRPs who pay a lot pm!

There's a big difference between the legal minimum and the actual reality of raising a child and maintenance can be one way or the other, i.e not enough or more than enough!!

@Dollyparton3

I actually find it really sad how often money seems to be the motivating factor for so many people.

"Also, maintenance should be paid even though the 'children' are adults." We've had this request too. Along with "mum says she'll have to sell our home next year because you'll stop paying her".

CMS is an absolute joke.

My DD's Dad pays nothing because he has decided to go to University in his 40s, so because he isn't earning, I am expected to take up the slack. It's as if DD suddenly costs nothing because he has made the choice not to earn.

Whereas, a friend who has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his ex pays for his DS for half of the week (clothes, bills, activities, food...everything) AND when he's with his Mother - although she is married to someone wealthy. Friend complains that he is paying for their cleaner and gardener.

And I have a private arrangement with DS's Dad, because we agreed when we split that we are equal parents, there is no RP and NRP, so neither of us pays the other anything (except I give him half of the child benefit and DLA for DS for the sake of fairness)

Where is the sense in it?

I think CMS should be a last resort for non-paying dickheads. It shouldn't be the norm, because it is a totally blunt tool that doesn't take a miriad of circumstances into account and, quite often, isn't fair in either direction.

But yes. The 'it's a bare minimum' mantra seems to loom large, even though it often feels like a totally random figure plucked out of thin air.

@timelord92 there was a thread in first lockdown where the poster was upset that her ex refused to pay maintenance for her university aged child to live back with her.

The ex was paying for the young adult's university accommodation in full.

The poster was also bitter that her ex had decided to move in with his girlfriend as their two daughters had decided to live with her. One of the daughters was an adult and the other was nearly an adult.

Thing is @PardonMoiSir, the maintenance is usually not relevant to the SM’s issue. It’s just a reflex from some people to demand to know if their husband is paying more than he has to.

Indeed, it’s a question about her husband’s choices. Not hers. SMs aren’t responsible for child maintenance for their stepchildren.

And the posters coming out with this stuff have an unquestioning view that whatever the minimum is it cannot be enough. You do see SMs berated because her DH only pays the minimum of £600 a month in maintenance, when he has the kids 40% of the time. In fact, why isn’t she contributing? Yet the fact that his ex is a SAHM to school age children doesn’t seem to generate the same questions about why she isn’t supporting her children financially.

So it’s both irrelevant and full of twisted logic.

My post just reminded me of another one - Mum's deserve a break so teenager DSC must stay with their dad EOW regardless.

(Except that mum doesn't work, all the adults in dad's house do, dad works some weekends and the teenagers are self-sufficient.)

Oh I think we all agree that CMS can be a total joke, especially in the case of self employed (usually) men who manipulate their earnings to pay fuck all.

The problem is that the stepmum bingo-ers will throw the "bare minimum" thing around even when the amount being paid is clearly an appropriate level in proportion to wages, access arrangements and actual costs. Any points made that counter their narrative bounces off them like they're teflon coated.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Oh I think we all agree that CMS can be a total joke, especially in the case of self employed (usually) men who manipulate their earnings to pay fuck all.

The problem is that the stepmum bingo-ers will throw the "bare minimum" thing around even when the amount being paid is clearly an appropriate level in proportion to wages, access arrangements and actual costs. Any points made that counter their narrative bounces off them like they're teflon coated.

I totally agree. It's another stick to beat SM's with though, especially when SM's have their own children and the amount payable reduces as a result.

I think people really think it's always a fair amount when it can be skewed by so many factors.

And some Ex's get very bitter about it and feel entitled to so much more than is fair. It's like common sense goes out of the window.

And the ‘bare minimum’ posters just don’t accept that how much money passes between the SC’s parents, it’s not relevant to whether the DSC should have the biggest bedroom in the house while the children who are always there share a box room. Or whatever the thread is actually about.

But never, ever go against the golden rule of being a step mum and have the audacity to say that you're counting down the days until maintenance stops and you can support the adult children directly if they need it

Here's a fresh one for you.

"It isn't ok always to put your child first, regardless of the circumstances"

Unless they are a step child, of course.

Dont get me started on the CMS payment and the expectation from the EXW.

I never lived with my ex, our finances had nothing to do with one another. He got a job that paid less (nothing to do with me and more to do with the market and what it was dictating, especially midst a pandemic). That resulted in him needing to correct CMS (slightly).

The rant received in return deigned to include the fact that I have a superb job (that must be highly paid). I was quite literally like wtaf? I work ridiculous hours/ so much stress at times. His ex is a SAHM. Yet somehow I should pay for their children. While she sits at home?

Mind. Blown.

@timelord92 We've had EXACTLY the same experience. DH not available to take kids at short notice because ex W wants to go out on the rip? How dare he not put the children first. DH not available to take kids mid week, during ex W's time "because I need a life too"? How dare he not put the chidren first. DH pointing out that ex W has farmed children out to her parents/sister/neice EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND she has them? Her life is none of his business, how dare he comment on it. DH misses one overnight with the kids because he's at my Mum's deathbed with me? He NEVER prioritises his children, how very dare he...

Ad fucking nauseam! Thank God the kids are old enough to make direct arrangements with us so the old hag's control is limited.