Actually, I think an example might help to illustrate just how hopelessly wrong @Coronawireless is, however well meaning she thinks she is in standing up for the poor SC.
As it has to be (and so often is in stepfamilies), it’s an incredibly petty one in which the solution that allows the SM to cope with a situation that’s ruining her life is so easy to turn into an evil SM tale. Indeed, her SC will tell it as such - both to their mother/grandparents/anyone else who’ll listen at the time, and later as a poor me with my evil SM story to share with friends. Because that is how these things so often play out.
What the situation looks like when overheard by a work colleague who doesn’t like you anyway in the canteen:
My stepchildren keep destroying the houseplants and spreading soil all over the conservatory. So we don’t even let them in there any more. It’s a stepchildren free zone.
The story told by the stepchildren:
My stepmother was such a cow. Do you know she cares/cared more about the bloody houseplants than us. She bans/banned from the conservatory at dad’s house because she’s obsessed with the stupid things. Her and dad would sit in there reading or listening to music and we aren’t/weren’t allowed to come/go in at all.
As told by the SC’s mother:
My ex’s wife is such a bitch. She hates my children and is always trying to exclude them. Do you know she’s banned them from the conservatory. They’re treated like the poor relations in that house.
As told by the NR father:
(I’ll admit this one is the hardest to try to frame as a reasonable perspective. Possibly because I didn’t grow up with the sense of male entitlement most men do.)
I wish my wife were more supportive of me. I’m working so hard and just want a nice house and family life. But she seems to have it in for my children. She makes such a big deal about sorting out the conservatory because they play with the houseplants. I’ve had to tell the kids they aren’t allowed in there at all because I’m so fed up with being nagged.
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Posted on MN this SM would be guaranteed to get a full house on wicked SM bingo. Absolutely guaranteed. Posters like @coronawireless would be leading the charge, spurred on by having overheard a colleague once and knowing adult children of stepfamilies.
But actually the situation may be much more complex than that and the situation may be 1. Actually the NR father’s choice, and 2. The only way the SM can cope in a screwed up dynamic.
What’s really going on might be that the NR father likes houseplants. He wanted a conservatory full of them. The SM may not actually be fussed about the bloody houseplants at all (the sad irony of so many SM situations). Both the adults like to have a tidy house. As is often the case, the bulk of the housework burden miraculously falls to the woman. So she’s responsible for looking after the houseplants and sorting out any mess.
The SC are there EOW. Every time they come, they maul the houseplants. They shred the leaves, tear off the flowers, knock them on the floor, spread the soil everywhere, and so on.
The SM ends up repeatedly cleaning up this mess (which gets everywhere - not just in the conservatory). The plants look a mess all the time. The conservatory looks shit and isn’t a nice place to be. She’s fed up with replacing plants that get destroyed. She’d fed up with her husband complaining about the mess and how his plants are ruined and he can’t enjoy the conservatory that he works so hard to pay for.
She tried telling the SC off. But that goes down like a lead balloon - both with the SC and their father. The SC tell on her to their mother, who sticks her oar in too. This dynamic is destroying any possibility of a nice relationship with them at all.
She’s tried nagging their father to do it, but he doesn’t want to spend his precious time off work and the little time he had with his children telling them off. It’s only EOW so he’s willing to ignore their behaviour, even if it annoys him. Thing is, he doesn’t seem to feel the same way about how he interacts with his wife. No. He’ll nag her about the mess in the conservatory. It’s his weekend and he can’t relax because she hasn’t tidied up after his children (again). And she keeps complaining at him. It’s just a bit of cleaning, and only EOW. Why is she complaining so much?
So she’s had enough. They’re arguing. It’s ruining their marriage. And not just when the SC are there. So she tells him that she’s not putting up with it any more. He’s got to decide how to sort this out as it’s going to end in divorce (over what looks like houseplants!). She even offers several options (there may even have been a process of working through them but the overall dynamic sabotaging each of the ‘lesser’ ones.
So he could discipline his children so that the problem never arises (he doesn’t want to - see above). He could accept that they cannot have houseplants because the SC destroy them (he doesn’t want to because he likes houseplants and wants a nice conservatory to relax in). He can take over all the houseplant related work and clean up after his children (he doesn’t want to do this). Or the children just can’t be allowed in the conservatory at all. He chooses this because it’s the least effort option for him.
He tells his children they aren’t allowed in. And even if he doesn’t say it’s SM’s fault, the overall dynamic tells them to blame her. As does their mother. Nonetheless he still wants to use the conservatory as normal. So he sits in there with his wife and drinks coffee/reads the paper. The kids resent SM because they can’t sit with dad. He ignores everything the SM does for him and his children and focused on how she (not him) is a horrible person who excludes his kids. His mother heartily agrees.
Society tells him that he’s a poor hard done by thing. His wife should be more supportive of him. He works so hard and earns more than her, you know. He’s hardly got any time with his kids and just won’t help him out so it can be special. His colleagues agree. His mother agrees.
The SM feels guilty. Like she’s a dreadful human. But the house is calmer. She’s better able to cope with contact and make it fun. But everyone is blaming her. She posts on MN and receives the standard range of evil SM cards. All over houseplants she doesn’t even particularly like.
The SC don’t generally tell this tale as ‘we were consistently shits about the plants. Dad was ineffective and expected SM to do everything but without any authority. Then he chose to sit where we weren’t allowed and ignore us. Mum and grandma kept telling us what a bitch SM was.’ Do they?
This is a made up example, btw. But it’s the sort of complex situation that isn’t what it might look like to an outsider, or even to the DSC, that comes up all the time in stepparenting. And people just jump straight to prejudice and cliche that blames the wicked SM.