Evil Stepmum’s Greetings Card Collection

[KumquatSalad]

Here on stepparenting, we are developing an exciting new range of greetings cards to help express your feelings to the evil stepmother in your life.

Come share your designs with us. There’s a large untapped market out there to be captured. 😁

They might if they new mother had met her new baby in many occasions before she decided to have it! The scenarios you list are just nothing like a woman who decided to marry a man with existing children
What you’re failing to grasp is that what a SM “knows shes getting into” can change very easily, meanwhile relationships are getting serious, marriages, houses, babies, a whole shared life being built.
When you know what you’re getting into then one day some woman your DH used to date gets out the wrong side of bed and creates a huge shitstorm in your life, you realise that actually you didn’t know what you were getting in to at all, but now it’s too late to just say “oh well I’ll be off then” because you have your entire life and family to unravel.
If your crystal ball works, by all means share the details of the retailer with all of us, we would be very grateful.

They might if they new mother had met her new baby in many occasions before she decided to have it! The scenarios you list are just nothing like a woman who decided to marry a man with existing children confused

@WhateverJudy

I completely disagree with you.

The scenarios are not supposed to be similar. The point is - no one knows what they are getting into until they are actually in it.

@Youseethethingis

They might if they new mother had met her new baby in many occasions before she decided to have it! The scenarios you list are just nothing like a woman who decided to marry a man with existing children What you’re failing to grasp is that what a SM “knows shes getting into” can change very easily, meanwhile relationships are getting serious, marriages, houses, babies, a whole shared life being built. When you know what you’re getting into then one day some woman your DH used to date gets out the wrong side of bed and creates a huge shitstorm in your life, you realise that actually you didn’t know what you were getting in to at all, but now it’s too late to just say “oh well I’ll be off then” because you have your entire life and family to unravel. If your crystal ball works, by all means share the details of the retailer with all of us, we would be very grateful.

When I first met my husbands ex, I said to him "she seems really nice" and I maintained that thought for about 9 months, then as you say, it's like she got out of the wrong side of the bed and just decided to tell her DD loads of nasty and untrue things about me!! Still does it to this day 8 years later but thankfully my DD knows that "it's just mum being jealous cause you make me and my dad happy" (that's my dsd exact words)

Anyway, can we please go back to the lightheartedness of this post with the cards please? :)

[quote RedMarauder]@OohlmBindedByTheLights there are some step-children who post on these boards because they blame their step-parent for how their parent behaved to them. When in fact their parent was just a shit parent.[/quote]
Bang on. Even if their step parent was a total shit (as in all walks of life there are nice people and not so nice people), ultimately it was their parent’s responsibility to make good choices. But it’s easier to place the blame on step parents as some homogeneous group than it is to face up to the fact that their own parent(s) failed them.

Sniping on this thread is akin to me going onto the cheated-on wives support threads on Relationships and banging on about how women can cheat too and be abusive towards men (insert rant about my DH’s ex).

Even if my points were valid there’s a more appropriate time, place and audience for me to chose. Not on a bloody support thread.

Actually, this thread may have been precipitated by the thread about someone wanting a city break with just her husband (and the baby tagging along). But it was inspired by thousands of posts in hundreds of threads expressing exactly the kind of sentiments you seem determined to post in her @Coronawireless.

As I said on the other thread, you are exactly our target market with these cards. And you’re on here demonstrating exactly the points we’re all trying to make.

So here’s card for you.

@KumquatSalad 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

They might if they new mother had met her new baby in many occasions before she decided to have it! The scenarios you list are just nothing like a woman who decided to marry a man with existing children

@WhateverJudy

Your defence of "you knew what you were getting into?" is naive in the extreme.

It take no consideration of how people, relationships and overall family dynamics can change over time.

Your point is akin to berating a woman who'd married a man after dating for 5 years only to find after a year of marriage he's having an affair. Would you say "you knew what you were getting in to when you married him?" or would you offer kindness and sympathy?

I've been "lucky" as a SM in that DH and his Ex have largely worked together to co-parent and he and I are in sync about "how things work" in our home. We have house rules/age appropriate chores and clear consequences for poor behaviour that either of us enforce regardless of the child involved.

Though it isn't really luck is it? Assuming people will behave decently is surely not an unreasonable expectation?

My friend is not so "lucky".

She dated her now DH for 3 years. Took things slow. Did all the "right" things.

In that time her (now) DH and his Ex had a cordial relationship and were effective co-parents (after she left him for OM who she moved in with). All was working well for all involved.

Then they got married, she got pregnant and all hell let loose.

Ex (jealous that the husband she'd kicked into touch was getting on with his life whilst her OM had turned out to be a good looking but feckless fucker who had no intention of marrying her never mind having another child) turned from a reasonable co-parent to the Ex from hell.

Contact constantly disrupted and weaponised.

Friend being slagged off to the child and told she couldn't tell him what to do who then played up as a result.

Constant phone calls/texts to friends DH about what she was doing wrong, could do/couldn't do (often contradictory).

The list goes on...and it's put a huge pressure on her relationship. Her DH is understandably shit scared about not seeing his child but as a result allows himself to be manipulated an bullied by his Ex to his wife's and their child's detriment. Frankly I don't know how much longer it will last.

Did she know what she was getting into?

For my part as lucky as I have been there have still been testing times as my step child has grown up and we've all had to re-orientate ourselves to changing needs, or simply plan around the impact of Ex moving 20 miles away (the burden of which fell on me and DH in terms of travel as usually reasonable Ex decided she wasn't going to do her share of hour long round trips despite being the instigator of them).

This attitude of yours (and others) is pretty much exclusive to SM's. I rarely see it dished out to SF's nor in any other circumstance such as my 3rd paragraph example.

I don't ever see as much much ill disguised malice, glee and superiority on any other part of MN than this topic attracts, nor less empathy, support and understanding.

My GM had a good name for people like this. Candle snuffers. In other words people who get pleasure in blowing out your light to make theirs seem brighter by comparison.

Tbh, it doesn’t matter if it’s true that a SM knew what she was getting in to (it’s not true though 😂).

The woman IS in the situation and is posting for support. In no way does ‘you knew what you were getting in to’ ever help. Ever. It just blames and dismisses the person seeking support.

It shows a complete lack of empathy or care for another human being. And even worse when it’s dressed up as care for the stepchildren (it’s not).

To be fair, you’re putting me in my place without losing your tempers or being bitchy. Gotta respect that.
I’ve met a few awful stepmothers so my view may be coloured.
One that stuck with me: A colleague, let’s call her Betty, in the coffee room talking to, say Jilly and Milly about her upcoming marriage to a man with a 12 yr old son.
Jilly: So does the son live with him?
Betty: Yes.
Jilly & Milly: Oh not good. Poor you.
Betty: But I’ve made it clear to him that once the son is 16 he’s out. That’s the condition of us marrying.
Jilly & Milly: Quite right. You have to be clear from the start otherwise they could be there for years. After all - it’ll be YOUR HOUSE.
Another one: Girl I went to school with. Her mum died when she was eight. Within two years Dad has new woman and baby. Older daughter sent to live with aunt because new woman is too tired with baby to look after a second child. Child never lived with Dad again. Essentially she lost her entire family.
I know another family similar...young teens did live with the dad after their mother died...new woman appeared within 6 months...pleasant enough and the teens were in fact invited on holidays. But when they didn’t want to go (less than a year after losing their mum), Dad and new woman went without them, leaving them alone in the house for a month - because why should SM miss out on her break!
Yes, all of the above dads were utterly useless. But something about a woman who can run with that to cut the children loose and leave them with no one at all....
I’m sure there are very nice women out there who become stepmums. But when I read on here about children being edged out of holidays...or, on another thread, a woman complaining that her partner’s 9 year old keeps taking HER place on the sofa beside HER husband whenever she comes to stay etc ...and then other stepmums coming on to say what’s wrong with that? It’s her house, her rules...well, then I feel the rage.

And putting cliches on cards implies that some of you have heard those comments directed at you quite a lot, presumably by other people observing your behaviour...some of you might want to ask yourselves if there’s something in it rather than just finding it a joke (a joke I’ll assume your SCs may not laugh at).

@Coronawireless the clichés are from what posters like you who aren't a step-parent post when a step-parent posts on here for help or support.

I say step-parent as only when posters like you realise it is a man or lesbian do you change tact.

Oh and I forgot to say I was a step-child long before I became a step-mother. Funny thing is I'm not the only person I know who has this lived experience.

@Coronawireless nobody is saying all step parents are perfect.

I've given very short shrift to some posters who as SP's on this topic have shown callous regard for the needs (emotional and financial) of their step children.

However those posters are actually pretty rare.

The vast majority of (predominantly) SM's who post here are people at their wits end asking for support and advice.

They are usually the ones propping up a hugely dysfunctional "family" dynamic not because they are not meeting the needs of their spouse and step children but because they are being emotionally blackmailed/bullied into giving into their wants at the expense of their needs being forfeit.

In return they get posts that reflect the cards on here.

To quote @KumquatSalad "It shows a complete lack of empathy or care for another human being. And even worse when it’s dressed up as care for the stepchildren (it’s not)."

The last sentence is important because in the majority of these threads the dynamic in question is absolutely not in the step children's best interests.

It's not good for a child to learn that they can circumvent boundaries by manipulating the adults that care for them.

For them to learn it's ok to treat someone with utter disrespect. To be treated as the most important person in every circumstance etc etc.

@Coronawireless I'm not sure if you've click with the spirit of this thread? The core of it is the unnecessarily catty, cruel and taunting comments that have been repeated again and again like a broken record by posters who on reflection seem to be over-reacting and not constructive on a SUPPORT discussion for step parents.

The judgemental and snarky anonymous comments should be placed in AIBU where people expect a roasting, not here which is why we don't post in AIBU.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I think someone has been utterly out of order on here, and I've been on here for years.

@Coronawireless

And putting cliches on cards implies that some of you have heard those comments directed at you quite a lot, presumably by other people observing your behaviour...some of you might want to ask yourselves if there’s something in it rather than just finding it a joke (a joke I’ll assume your SCs may not laugh at).

What's on the cards are quotes from posters on this topic.

People have shared some personal anecdotes but if you read those and think any of them reflect poorly on the poster enough to justify your comment above them please feel free to quote them.

@Coronawireless

And putting cliches on cards implies that some of you have heard those comments directed at you quite a lot, presumably by other people observing your behaviour...some of you might want to ask yourselves if there’s something in it rather than just finding it a joke (a joke I’ll assume your SCs may not laugh at).

The entire point of this thread is that those cliches are thrown at step parents (particularly step mums) indiscriminately, because of individual projection and also gender/societal expectations of women when it comes to children, even when those children are not their own.

Some of those cliches might land justifiably as in the examples you gave, and it’s insulting to suggest we wouldn’t call that out, as in the thread a few weeks ago when a step parent wanted to withdraw a birthday present promised to their DSC because the child was forming a bond with their hitherto absent parent. However the majority of the cliches are unwarranted for many of the situations posted on this particular forum.

It’s in exactly the same vein as benefits bashing threads - I’m sure we’re all well aware of the cliches about “scroungers” and people living a life of “luxury” with their Sky TV and brand new iPhones blah blah. I could certainly give you a couple of real life examples like you gave your step parenting examples. But does that mean posters on e.g the Free School Meals thread should ask themselves if there’s something in those benefit bashing cliches?

@Coronawireless you gave three completely random examples that are absolutely nothing like any of the comments made by posters on this thread, and genuinely think that is a solid argument that the stepmothers deserve these comments? So much so you should hover about to keep making them periodically?

I'm sorry, but that's still nothing to do with anyone commenting here and is a very clear case of projection and prejudice.

Morning all. Not to detail the funny spirit of the thread. @Coronawireless it feels like you’re on here to be deliberately goady and provocative. Why? Are you trying to just wind posters up? Or do you genuinely have an axe to grind about things?

There’s a few comments to be made about the examples you gave.

Firstly, just like there are neglectful/ cruel parents in the world. There will also be step parents who fit into those categorisations. Humans are flawed and some are more damaged than others. I tend to see very few of those - and when they have appeared they seem to get short shrift from across the board.

Second of all (I have said this many times), people have different parenting values. Many award winning mothers would have me stoned and whipped for how I have actively chosen to raise my children. In Nursery from babies, WOHM, travelling without them (I thought one poster needed smelling salts when I told her I flew long haul without my children by CHOICE). It’s who I am, it’s how I parent. I’m selfish and whilst my children get a lot, they don’t get a mum who sacrifices everything.

Therefore, that is how I showed up as a SP. My children dictate very little in my home. Therefore I don’t expect my partners children/ partner to do so either. I once said to him that his children would arrive and it was akin to HRM arriving with his expectations of a red carpet and a fanfare declaring ‘my children are here!’. He once had a go at me for not getting up and welcoming them properly as I was sat on the sofa in the middle of something with my own children. I called out ‘hi we’re in here, doing xyz, come say hi.’ No, that wasn’t welcoming enough.

It’s the same with the sofa example you give. I have a side on the sofa where I sit. I regularly move my own children off it and they move without a word. They couldn’t care less. Should I not move my exp’s children? Or feel bad to suddenly say, ‘please shift along’.

9 times out of 10, there is a huge dysfunction around how people expect others to operate around NR children. THAT’s what posters on here cannot fathom. Especially those of us who are parents ourselves. Then we get told ‘well it’s not the same for resident children.’ And to a point I agree, the needs of NR children are different. And it falls to their NRP to fulfil those and no one else.
But should the NR children and those needs dominate the whole household? No. Not a chance. If the children I carried/ gave birth to and raised don’t dominate my house. I am sure as hell not about to let kids who have no relation to me do so!

I will welcome them, be consistent, warm. However they are privy to the rules of MY house (and it is my house and my children’s house, not theirs). They will be treated the same as any other child who does not live in (my nieces, nephews, children’s friends). All of whom love my home, have a great time - but are respectful of my home and of those who live in it (including the needs of said residents).

No one is saying SC aren’t important, but Christ alive they are a part of a life. Not your whole life. And everyone is entitled to a fulfilling and happy life, that does not Involve their SC.

To be honest, all these threads show me is how horrific some exes are. How entitled they are. And just how far they will go (damaging their own children and / or raising entitled monsters) just to wreak havoc in the exh’s new relationship/ home.

So bluntly? I judge SP’s very rarely on these boards. It’s the parents who separate and continue with a dysfunctional relationship via their children post separation whom I not only judge. But I pray that karma exists for them. They are the ones damaging their children by failing to raise balanced humans who can recognise that other people have needs and the whole world cannot (and should not) revolve around them.

So because Corona knows 3 rotten step mothers, no step mother is allowed to ask for support or vent on MN without getting what she deserves for belonging to the same group as aforementioned 3, and no step mother is ever allowed to push back against being treated like the home help by her partner and his kids, or against finding out that her own child apparently doesn’t deserve to have her spend her own money on them or to have a bedroom in their own home, or to do anything fun while their half sibling isn’t there... and on an on and on it goes.
Don’t recall many threads where the poster is asking for the best tactic to kick a bereaved child out of their home or anything like that.

"I will welcome them, be consistent, warm. However they are privy to the rules of MY house (and it is my house and my children’s house, not theirs). They will be treated the same as any other child who does not live in (my nieces, nephews, children’s friends). All of whom love my home, have a great time - but are respectful of my home and of those who live in it (including the needs of said residents).

No one is saying SC aren’t important, but Christ alive they are a part of a life. Not your whole life. And everyone is entitled to a fulfilling and happy life, that does not Involve their SC." Thank you @sassbott for one of the most balanced posts I've ever read on here.

My SD fell out with me a few months ago (it's been brewing a long time) and my SS told me she's been saying I referred to my house in a text discussion with her as "my house" not "our home" I've since disproved her allegation.

However why the hell should I not refer to it as my home? It's my house that I bought with my hard earned money (her dads house much smaller house is rented out) I relocated for the benefit of mine and my partners relationship. The children also benefitted from a much larger home to visit. don't want to derail this thread further but I will start to take more pride in this in the future rather than bowing and scraping to the needs of HRH (I've called her this for a few years)

One last thing for those who are talking about the mothers foreboding sense of entitlement engraining in the child. It happens. DSD is now utterly lawless to the point where she went "out" a couple of nights ago in lockdown and her mum "couldn't" stop her. Think about that. In our house she wouldnt be allowed back in. Simple. But her mum can't protect her home and people in it from someone who doesn't care about a killer pandemic.

@Coronawireless again your anger towards these women is totally misdirected.

The stepmums sound shit but ultimately it was the children’s dads to protect them.

Betty: But I’ve made it clear to him that once the son is 16 he’s out. That’s the condition of us marrying
What sort of abhorrent father would agree to this?! Utterly shit dad. He is to blame for any harm that’s caused by agreeing to this.
If my DP said this about my kids he would be gone in a split second.

Girl I went to school with. Her mum died when she was eight. Within two years Dad has new woman and baby. Older daughter sent to live with aunt because new woman is too tired with baby to look after a second child. Child never lived with Dad again
WTAF?! So dad decided to have another family then push all his responsibilities of caring for his child onto his new wife?! Then it sounds as if he didn’t help with their new baby either, stepmum couldn’t cope with looking after 2 kids on her own and so dad shipped his firstborn away??!!
Again... utterly shit dad.

BOTH of the examples you gave were caused by awful biological fathers. They are the ones who abandoned their kids, they are the ones who had a moral and legal obligation to look after their children and failed them.
Ultimately these incidents (particular your 2nd tale) were caused by shit, selfish parenting from the father.

These dads weren’t “useless”, they were absolutely terrible fathers.

@Coronawireless

To be fair, you’re putting me in my place without losing your tempers or being bitchy. Gotta respect that. I’ve met a few awful stepmothers so my view may be coloured. One that stuck with me: A colleague, let’s call her Betty, in the coffee room talking to, say Jilly and Milly about her upcoming marriage to a man with a 12 yr old son. Jilly: So does the son live with him? Betty: Yes. Jilly & Milly: Oh not good. Poor you. Betty: But I’ve made it clear to him that once the son is 16 he’s out. That’s the condition of us marrying. Jilly & Milly: Quite right. You have to be clear from the start otherwise they could be there for years. After all - it’ll be YOUR HOUSE. Another one: Girl I went to school with. Her mum died when she was eight. Within two years Dad has new woman and baby. Older daughter sent to live with aunt because new woman is too tired with baby to look after a second child. Child never lived with Dad again. Essentially she lost her entire family. I know another family similar...young teens did live with the dad after their mother died...new woman appeared within 6 months...pleasant enough and the teens were in fact invited on holidays. But when they didn’t want to go (less than a year after losing their mum), Dad and new woman went without them, leaving them alone in the house for a month - because why should SM miss out on her break! Yes, all of the above dads were utterly useless. But something about a woman who can run with that to cut the children loose and leave them with no one at all.... I’m sure there are very nice women out there who become stepmums. But when I read on here about children being edged out of holidays...or, on another thread, a woman complaining that her partner’s 9 year old keeps taking HER place on the sofa beside HER husband whenever she comes to stay etc ...and then other stepmums coming on to say what’s wrong with that? It’s her house, her rules...well, then I feel the rage.

This post has really wound me up.

I am not a step parent or a step child, I have watched this thread with interest as it is

1. funny
2. true
3. makes me think seriously about the comments people make in all sorts of situations.

In your 3 examples. Why is it all the step mother's fault? You could even say, that as none of those women had children before they married that they were ridiculously naive about what was the right thing to do with kids (just look at all the corona virus threads where people said it was fine to leave 11 year olds all day every day while they are off school and you are out at work, because secondary school age kids don't need childcare )
WHAT ABOUT THE FATHER - you know, the actual parent?
scenario 1 - why was he not saying to his new wife - er, no, I don't think so, this is his house too?
scenario 2 - why was he not stepping up to care for his dd and why did he allow his new wife to send the dd away? Crap father!
scenario 3 - so the father, the parent, just dropped responsibility for caring for his teenagers, and swanned off and left them?

But hey, yes, all step mother's fault.

I know a few rubbish parents. I could write a quote like yours about mothers, fathers, stepmothers and stepfathers, because there are good and bad people in every walk of life!

It shows a pretty poor understanding of people that you can't see that your own experience is so limited.

I agree with @SpongebobNoPants. It’s totally misdirected and it’s perpetuating the same old patriarchal slight of hand that lets men off the hook every single time.

These men were not good fathers. The second one in particular. You kind of acknowledge that but then immediately sweep it away to blame the SM.

You also don’t know the full story in either case. Even where you’ve heard it from your friends about their childhood. The thing is, I can tell stories where my parents sound awful. But in doing so, I am editing out key aspects of the situation, partly because as a child/teenager I was so focused on my feelings I wasn’t seeing them. That’s how these things are. If I were telling a stepparent story, I would probably tell it where the stepparent was the villain because, psychologically, that’s easier for a child or young person to do than to blame their parent (or to think, ‘actually I’m being a shit here’).

So ask yourself if your half told, overheard, and utterly partial examples, refracted through dominant discourses in society, are really a good basis for deciding that most SMs are terrible and projecting that on to women seeking support - on a stepparents board.