Feeling like you're missing out

[harryclr]

I don't usually post on these things but I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way. I have an unofficial SD (we're not married but live together and have a 7 month old DS).

Does anyone else in a similar situation feel like you're missing out on all the exciting, fun first things? Like learning how to read, ride a bike, first wobbly tooth etc? It saddens me a bit that I am experiencing these moments for the first time with a child that's not mine, supposed to be all excited and proud of them. I can feel myself holding back because I want to save myself for my darling little boy. Then I feel sad that my partner (his dad), Nanny etc won't care or feel as excited when the time comes for my boy because they've done it all before.

Am I being stupid or are these feelings valid? It's not something that even crossed my mind when I decided to have a child with someone who already has one. I can't help the slight resentment now.

Thanks for listening x

We have one child each and one together.

No our third child's firsts aren't any less special because we have already done it before but not with each other.

She also doesn't think they are any less special because we have already taught her brother and sister to ride a bike or been so fake excited that the tooth fairy came for them.

My DH became a grandfather last year. We were both so excited and delighted when the baby came. That won't mean when or if my dds have children it will deminsish them having children. My dd started college last year his son didn't go when he left school. Dh was so proud of her. It isn't a competition.

Every family has to find their own way of working ours couldn't work like many on this board does.

Celebrating any of the kids and what happening with them at that time doesnt take away from the others.

We just enjoy the moment for what it is rather than over thinking it would be my advice.

If you were a mother of 5, would you care less about your 5th child’s achievements and development do you think?
Every child is their own unique little person. Have faith. You don’t have to hold anything back. You have more than enough in the tank.

I have 2 children. I was excited and happy when each of them was born and when they learnt to:
Crawl
Walk
Ride a bike
Say mama

As well as when they started nursery, Brownies, primary school...high school...University. Each child in an individual...their experiences are individual and should be celebrated as such.

My excitement didn't get any less with both my children.

Is it that you think your DH's excitement will be less than yours?

And a whole host of other things

Not only that his excitement will be less but that I myself want to experience these moments with my Son first, rather than with another child, if that makes sense?

It would be totally different if I had multiple children, I totally understand that as would love them all equally.

It seems clear I am overthinking, I've found since having my own child I do overthink ALOT!

harryclr having another child shouldn't deflect from youre child. Dh and had dd together and it wasn't any lezs special because I had ds and we got together when he was 2 if anything it helped prepare him to be a better dad because he had dealt with ds if anything he was abit clueless about the baby stage because he was used to an older child but soon learnt. It never detracted from his experiences as a father to dd and the same when we had our 2nd together.

I did have a similar worry at first when I fell pregnant (DP has 2 teens from previous marriage). But I said to him from the start I want this to be just as special for us because it's "our" first even if not your first. He totally gets it luckily that and has assured me he won't be making "comparisons" etc, and also that it was so long ago that he had little ones (added to which he was away a lot in the military and missed a lot of their early years anyway), that he is just as excited about our baby as if it were his first - if that makes sense. Different circumstances to you, but I definitely had similar worries and so far (I'm still 24 weeks pregnant so she isn't here yet!), it was nothing to worry about really.

I totally get where you're coming from. My DD is my DH's third child, my first.
It is different. All her firsts, while still 'our' firsts as a family, were also his thirds. It's not been the same experience for both of us. It's not diminished my enjoyment of DD but it doesn't feel as if DH and I have had the same journey.

Totally normal. Your not horrible for thinking like this. Talk to your H, he will understand and give u the reassurance u need.

It’s different with your own DC @harryclr.

With the SDC it feels more like a niece or nephew to me. I’m pretty removed from it all really. Generally the milestones or events happen at their mum’s, and if a tooth comes out here or something then it’s something my DH does with his older DC.

Similarly, my DSes’ firsts and milestones feel like things I experience very differently to DH. I don’t expect him to be that interested in them really (and they’re old enough that it’s not the same kind of ‘firsts’).

In fact, the thing is that the ‘firsts’ quite often become more specific to the child’s interests and choices as they get older. So rather than being basic skills (walking etc) it becomes sitting grade 1 piano or competing in their first swimming gala/football match/dance competition/whatever else they’re interested in. Even the more universal things become more about making choices with them (like which secondary school or sixth form they’re going to), or supporting their choices (GCSE choices etc). They feel very personal to the individual child, and won’t have any bearing on the milestones for any younger (half/step) siblings.

Plus, these are decisions that, as a stepparent, you’re on the outside of generally. The DSC’s parents (or my ex and I in my DSes lives) do the milestones with them or make/consult on/support the choices (as appropriate). I won’t be standing in the playground on DSS’s first day of reception for example, and I certainly wasn’t in any way involved in the application for a school place (neither was DH, but that’s how his ex operates). And that’s totally fine. I have been there, and will be there, for my DSes on their first days at school.

You’ll probably find that you don’t feel resentful because it feels so different when it’s your child.

I guess it's more that for my DP it's less exciting as he's done it all before. I was so conscious of my boy not being treated as the 2nd child, but he is, by his dad and that side of the family I guess because he is. But I want to treat him very much like a first child, as he is mine.

It's interesting that I just didn't have these thoughts or worries until my baby arrived.

It even niggles at me a bit when SD plays with his toys that I bought for him...

I think your feelings are valid

I just read through all the comments, it's very good to know I'm not the only one!

I can understand that does feel crap @harryclr.

Maybe try to focus on the parts of his life where he’s the first child. So your family can treat him that way (I’m sure they do) and you can be as excited.

I get really pissed off with my DH when he acts like he’s been there and done that in relation to DS3 (a third child for both of us). Mostly it’s because he’s being annoying and also it’s generally totally irrelevant. Why would his ex’s experience of pregnancy be of any relevance? And obviously it’s going to be completely different with our exclusively breastfed baby than his never breastfed other kids. (That’s not a judgement of his ex’s feeding choices, btw - but it is a key difference to much about life with a small baby). I don’t bang on about my (actually relevant) experiences of pregnancy and breastfeeding my older two because I recognise he doesn’t want to hear it.

In your case, it might be worth having a chat with your DH about how you’re feeling. He may be able to be more sensitive and recognise that this is your first child - and that is important.

It's actually the only thing we argue about, he expects a lot from me I think in regards to his DD. Her mother isn't the best and DP is the main carer, since I came along (2.5yrs ago) the time has been split 50/50 between him and the mum but he does all the driving around, collecting, dropping off etc as she doesn't drive, it really annoys me and it really annoys me when things are changed as I value our time together just us SO MUCH. I am acutely aware of how my son is never going to have the amount of quality time with his Dad as his Sister has as it was just the 2 of them until I moved in at the beginning of the year (she is 5 now), the bond between DP and my son just won't be as 'special' I have comes to terms with it because there is nothing I can do about it now but it does upset me when I'm feeling hormonal and sensitive (which feels like a lot lol).

There is no use in me bringing up anything because he gets instantly defensive and accuses me of being incredibly out of order, says my Son is lucky because he has both of us etc but she does also have a mother and she has us and my family who have taken her in, so really she has more people that love her! Does anyone else get this from their partners?

My DH has always been a bit defensive about any criticism of his older kids, this is not unusual and maybe once you have kids yourself you can understand this more, I certainly did.
Every child is it's own unique self and I'm afraid you really have to come to terms with yours being your partner's 2nd. Your note of resentment about the older child playing with the baby toys struck me - it's maybe understandable but you do need to check that attitude and reel it in a bit. When you go into a relationship with someone who has kids, it cannot be the same as if they did not. We are the 2nd family too and I really do sympathise and had a lot of these feelings too, but a happier family does require you to embrace what you have and not what you wish it was.
My DD has a really lovely relationship with her older siblings, she wouldn't have that if she had been our first/only.

When I read posts like this I honestly don't know why certain people get involved with someone who already has children. I really think some people are just not cut out for it...

@Twinpeaksdancingman helpful

Well its all how you decide to frame it I suppose. You can choose to think like that or not.

Your dp doesn't live full time with his other child so there will be plenty that he will experience for the first time that he didn't with his first child.

Both of us separated when our oldest were very young so neither of us has lived with our older children full time were as we do with our youngest.

So for example neither of us has missed out on Christmas eve or day with our youngest but plenty with our older two. They have experienced plenty with out us days out, holidays etc. So far we have been able to do all those things with our youngest. We get to do all dinner, bath and bed times, all school events, all her clubs and events that before we both might have missed out on.

We get to be fully involved parents who can actively parent a child with someone we live with love and respect in a happy relationship.

Like is this something that has actively been expressed or just in your head that you think its how he feels.

What irritates you about her playing with his toys? Is she damaging them or taking them from him etc?

To be honest no I don't. I dont view my family unit as me, dh and my dds. Our family unit is me, dh, ss, and my dds. I dont think of our time or attention in that way. We plan and act as a family depending on what each of them need at any given time just like in most nuclear families. I dont resent time, money spent on my ss and my dh doesnt on my dd. I hate the phrase 2 nd family aswell. I dont ever use it.

I would say that its actually important that you do try to break down why you feel like this because one of the worst and damaging emotions to a relationship is resentment. She isn't going to disappear and she's your child's sibling.

When I read posts like this I honestly don't know why certain people get involved with someone who already has children. I really think some people are just not cut out for it...

Do you also read posts from parents who are struggling with their own kids and wonder why they had them, thinking they aren't cut out for it?

And posts from married people, wondering why they bothered getting married if they're having challenges in their marriage?

Or do you just apply this thinking to step parents? 🤔

OP, do you feel as though your husband can't love you as he loved his first love interest? Do you feel as though your sexual relationship cannot be as meaningful because one or both of you may have had a sexual relationship before this one? Were you relationships with your siblings more or less meaningful because of where they feel in the sibling queue?
Every life experience we have is one that a some point we experience for the first time . Rarely are those experiences so meaningful that they diminish the pleasure, joy, or excitement of subsequent experiences.

I was an excited expectant mother with my first child. With my second child , I was an excited but experienced and wiser expectant mother with my second child. Neither experience was better or more meaningful than the other.

Why would you expect your partner not to experience this pregnancy in the way that is normal for his stage and status? You want to experience the pregnancy in the way that you think normal for your stage and status.

Life is not made up of chapters from the Book of How It Should Be. Life is messy and complex and impact by all of the prior experiences that we bring to any event.

Your life will often disappoint if you expect it to be a part of some adult fairy tale with predetermined roles and responses for all of the participants.

You should enjoy your pregnancy in your way and permit him to enjoy his impending fatherhood in his way. That will make it a happy experience for both of you.

Or do you just apply this thinking to step parents? 🤔

The post is about how the OP is feeling about her SD and her own DC, not any of the other things you mentioned, hence why I posted 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have two children from a previous marriage and two with a new partner - all of their ‘firsts’ have been amazing and exciting - my fourth is nearly 9 months old and is nearly walking and her first steps will give me as much excitement as my firsts first steps so your DH should feel the same about firsts for his children whether you are the mum or not? I kind of get where you’re coming from but I think it’s sad you’re holding back feeling excited when you step child does new things - it’s not very fair on them!

My dh was a step df before a df.. His pride in my dc is the same as for his own ds. I have many many dc op and feel the same for all their firsts...love and pride aren't limited emotions..

I'm confused as to why your child will have significantly less time with him. If the older child is 5 then surely they aren't needing driving around for activities etc (often the reason dad's in this position justify not being around for their younger child) so your DP should still be available to be hands on with his second child a majority of the time?

If he's giving you reason to think this child means less to him or that he's not going to be around then there is a serious problem, it shouldn't be that way.

@Twinpeaksdancingman

Or do you just apply this thinking to step parents? 🤔

The post is about how the OP is feeling about her SD and her own DC, not any of the other things you mentioned, hence why I posted 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh I know. I'm just curious as to whether this would by your response in the other situations I mentioned. Because it seems to be a comment banded about regularly on the step parenting forum in particular....