Feeling like you're missing out

[harryclr]

I don't usually post on these things but I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way. I have an unofficial SD (we're not married but live together and have a 7 month old DS).

Does anyone else in a similar situation feel like you're missing out on all the exciting, fun first things? Like learning how to read, ride a bike, first wobbly tooth etc? It saddens me a bit that I am experiencing these moments for the first time with a child that's not mine, supposed to be all excited and proud of them. I can feel myself holding back because I want to save myself for my darling little boy. Then I feel sad that my partner (his dad), Nanny etc won't care or feel as excited when the time comes for my boy because they've done it all before.

Am I being stupid or are these feelings valid? It's not something that even crossed my mind when I decided to have a child with someone who already has one. I can't help the slight resentment now.

Thanks for listening x

It's nice your DP knows how to do balance, mine is doing well at trying but I do have to remind or explain how I feel / want I would like etc - he doesn't do it on his own accord.

Mine took a bit of reminding in the beginning! But we got there

LouJ85
Absolutely.
The 'you know he had kids' chestnut gets trotted out all the time. It's very tiresome and neither accurate or helpful.

@Witchymclovely

It's great to see you've managed to throw in a load of sacarsm...the lowest form of wit.🙄

While you may not find the comment helpful, perhaps another person reading may identify with the OP and realise it's not the road they wish to go down if they cannot handle the situation with pre existing children . Helpful is subjecting.

@Beamur

LouJ85 Absolutely. The 'you know he had kids' chestnut gets trotted out all the time. It's very tiresome and neither accurate or helpful.

Exactly. I've yet to see one person reply with "gosh thank you, that's so helpful". I can't think of any scenario in fact where a person is struggling with their situation, where "well, you knew what you were getting into" would be a pinnacle, life changing moment of insight and personal development. It's just so unbelievably invalidating and dismissive. No matter the circumstances it's applied to.

@SandyY2K Thanks while I may not find the comment helpful, perhaps another person 🥱 yawn fell asleep

@SandyY2K

Couldn’t agree more with what you have posted.

For those wanting to report me??? For having an opinion that some people are just not cut out to be step parents, and from OPs further posts that seems very apparent.

For those wanting to report me???

Literally not one person has said they want to report you.

I was simply curious as to whether you also frequent the parenting and relationship board with the equally helpful "you knew what you were getting into" comment. Or whether that's a biased view you have of step parents in particular. And you still haven't answered...

@LouJ85 and the prize for over exaggeration goes too....... twinpeaksdancingman!!!! 🏆@Twinpeaksdancingman I would only report you for making really obvious mind numbingly boring comments but unfortunately you can’t get thrown out for that.

@LouJ85

There are things that you know and things that you do not know going into any relationship. The notion of having to sacrifice having another child for instance. If he only earns enough money to adequately support 3 children and he already has a child, it is not you making a sacrifice. It is finances dictating the size of his family. That is not a sacrifice that is reasonable family planning.

My husband and I could afford another child, but neither of us wanted a family where our children were parented by different people. That was not a sacrifice but a shared vision of the kind of life that we wanted for our existing children.

I cannot imagine that anyone of us enters into a relationship where there are existing children and ex's and do not think that this relationship will be the same as a relationship where one or both of us is childless. That would be pretty disingenuous.

On the other hand, none of us have a crystal ball and we cannot always predict our own responses or the behavior of others. That level of unpredictability governs all relationships not just step relationships.

But it is pretty naive to think that the existence of children will not have an impact on a relationship Few women when they are dreaming of marriage and pregnancy are envisioning a situation where there Prince Charming is a divorced dad with 2 children, child support payments , and an ex who is less than thrilled with the dad . None of these very real issues should encourage some fairy tale vision of life. So yeah, to some extent, you do know that your life is going to be complex.

But it is pretty naive to think that the existence of children will not have an impact on a relationship Few women when they are dreaming of marriage and pregnancy are envisioning a situation where there Prince Charming is a divorced dad with 2 children, child support payments , and an ex who is less than thrilled with the dad . None of these very real issues should encourage some fairy tale vision of life. So yeah, to some extent, you do know that your life is going to be complex.

Spot on

But it is pretty naive to think that the existence of children will not have an impact on a relationship

So yeah, to some extent, you do know that your life is going to be complex.

I don't think the existence of children will have no impact on a relationship, and that isn't what I meant. Of course you realise it will have an impact and of course you realise your life will be 'complex' - but what you don't know in advance fully is exactly how this will feel emotionally for you, and precisely how the dynamics will play out. Complexity doesn't have to equal unliveable, does it. But you just don't know until you try, was my point. In exactly the same way you can have an idea that becoming pregnant and planning to become a parent will likely be "complex", without necessarily knowing what the felt sense of living that day to day life will be. When you live it and experience it, then you know whether you truly can or can't do it, I guess. You rarely know that in advance.

@Tiredoftattler

Besides all of which, the fact remains that the throwaway comment "you knew what you were getting into" is fundamentally unhelpful and invalidating. In response to any life situation a person is struggling with, step parenting or otherwise.

There are multiple threads running elsewhere on MN about mums struggling with newborns.

Would anyone dream of popping on there and commenting "come on, you knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant, surely! You knew your life would be complex!"

No. Nobody does that. I've read those threads from exhausted and struggling mums, and I literally can't find that comment.

That's my point. Why do we only see this in relation to step parenting?

That's my point. Why do we only see this in relation to step parenting?

Honestly if anyone who makes these comments an answer me this. I'd be very grateful.