Feeling like you're missing out

[harryclr]

I don't usually post on these things but I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way. I have an unofficial SD (we're not married but live together and have a 7 month old DS).

Does anyone else in a similar situation feel like you're missing out on all the exciting, fun first things? Like learning how to read, ride a bike, first wobbly tooth etc? It saddens me a bit that I am experiencing these moments for the first time with a child that's not mine, supposed to be all excited and proud of them. I can feel myself holding back because I want to save myself for my darling little boy. Then I feel sad that my partner (his dad), Nanny etc won't care or feel as excited when the time comes for my boy because they've done it all before.

Am I being stupid or are these feelings valid? It's not something that even crossed my mind when I decided to have a child with someone who already has one. I can't help the slight resentment now.

Thanks for listening x

[quote Witchymclovely]@Twinpeaksdancingman helpful [/quote]

Indeed

When I was a stepparent, I didn’t find my dsc’s firsts that exciting to be honest. Not like a parent would anyway. So really it wasn’t a milestone moment and a bit of a non event to me. I don’t remember dsc losing their first tooth or the first bike they had and their first day and last days at primary school weren’t something I felt emotionally strongly about.

What I’m trying to say is that Dsc’s experiences happening first took nothing away from me in terms of my own DC’s firsts because it’s a completely different experience when it’s your own children.

@funinthesun19

When I was a stepparent, I didn’t find my dsc’s firsts that exciting to be honest. Not like a parent would anyway. So really it wasn’t a milestone moment and a bit of a non event to me. I don’t remember dsc losing their first tooth or the first bike they had and their first day and last days at primary school weren’t something I felt emotionally strongly about.

What I’m trying to say is that Dsc’s experiences happening first took nothing away from me in terms of my own DC’s firsts because it’s a completely different experience when it’s your own children.

I feel totally the same.. but I thought wondered whether the OP was worrying more about her partner's emotional investment when it's 2nd, 3rd etc time round for him as opposed to first? That's certainly what I worried about when I feel pregnant... so far, he seems very invested in the pregnancy, loves feeling her kick etc, so I don't think I needed to worry so much!

Ah I get you! I can see why she’s worried because it’s her first and his second and I think a lot of stepmums probably have the same worry. I think I probably did all those years ago when I had my first.

But, 10 years and 4 children later, all of them have been just as exciting as the other. A brand new child is a brand new child and they’re all individual little people. I get super excited about all of their milestones because at that very moment it’s about them.

Op I hope this is helpful and reassuring

@funinthesun19 it's reassuring to me also
DP has also promised not to say things like "with SC1 we did this...." etc. As I just don't want it to be a comparison. I want it to be special in its own right. Not sure if that makes sense!

I think you’re right @LouJ85. A bit of reassurance rather than complaints that she’s not prioritising her DSD could help enormously.

As @funinthesun19 says, it just isn’t the same with DSC as your own children. But it should be equally exciting for all your children. So if the DH is making it feel less important than his older DD, that is the problem.

It’s hard when your husband seems to think you should be as emotionally invested in his children as you are in your own. And worse if he seems to think his children should be your first priority. Especially when the whole world wants to tell you that you shouldn’t be with a man with children if they aren’t the centre of your universe too.

It is completely ok to want to feel that your pregnancy and your child are important, and to be excited as a first time mum.

It’s not just being silly because you aren’t your DH’s first love or sexual partner or whatever. The actual comparison is often more a case of your partner continually reminding you that he loved his ex wife once, and first love is crucially important, you know. Or that actually his ex really liked it when he did X. In fact, his ex was better at X than you and his life is much harder because he doesn’t get X in bed anymore. And why aren’t you sympathetic about this, you heartless nightmare? Don’t you have any empathy for his plight?

All the while your continually reminded by the rest of the world that you knew what you were getting into, so you should just accept that if course his first life was much more important and formative. You’re just the second so you should stop imagining that you come first even in your own life. And so on. Because that is how it so often plays out for SMs.

@Twinpeaksdancingman but you must admit it is an unhelpful thing to say. May I ask y you felt the need to say it? Genuinely I’m interested in your logic. @LouJ85 makes a good point and your swerving a reply. You understand perfectly the point she is making. Can you oblige us with an answer.

I have found all comments helpful thank you.

I am fully aware it's something I need to work through but I guess I just wanted clarification that it's not 'evil' or 'wrong' to feel some minor resentment and worry.

Re the toys - I don't generally care, was just a couple of new Christmas toys that I got him that he hasn't yet played with and she just got them abs started using them, I know he's a baby so couldn't care less but it just irritated me a bit as again it felt like something was being taken away from him...stupid I know.

Did/does anyone here that has a child/children with their partner and felt like you have had to sacrifice a child of your own because he already had one/some?

I have always wanted 3 but I know I will have to settle for 2 now, I can also feel that DP ideally wouldn't have anymore, he always makes little digs and 'jokes' when he knows I definitely want more children, I can't imagine only experiencing pregnancy just the once. Before we committed to eachother (not married, just in the relationship) we obviously talked about his daughter, what I wanted in the future etc, so it's all been said but I just know that another wouldn't excite him but I know he'll do it for me, which saddens me a bit. Why should I sacrifice having another child (not to mention everything else you have to sacrifice when becoming a step parent) because he already had one?

Maybe I do just have this ridiculous fairytale image of how I imagined reactions etc being when having children lol x

@KumquatSalad he wasn't married before, I don't think I would have even considered the relationship if that was the case as I think I would find that even more difficult. He is my best friends brother so I knew all about the child and the story prior to getting together. The mother isn't a fantastic mother, not terrible but she struggled a lot in the beginning and left because she found it too much hence why DP became the main parent and has this huge bond with DD. He admits he never loved her mother, was a rushed pregnancy etc because he felt ready to be a dad but she certainly wasn't ready to be a mum by the sounds of it.

That's why we're more involved in what the DD does, he is far more involved than her mother when it comes to the school etc, he does all the dropping off, driving around etc he always puts her to bed which means I always put my boy to bed, when DD is with us it is very much he does everything for her and I do everything for the boy, which is fine, but DD demands 99% of his attention when with us. He also always wants to do 'fun' things on the weekends we have her, which I've read about a lot on this forum, annoys me, why can't we do nice things just us too?? The weekends is us we sort out the house, do food shop, (although I got told I couldn't do that yesterday because he wanted me to take DD today to 'break up the day' as in tier 4 so options are limited) boring things ...

Does anyone else also feel like this in regards to activities/holidays etc? I brought up once that I'd like us to continue going away just us and the baby sometimes, as we used to before baby arrived, but he got angry and defensive again accusing me to wanting to leave DD out ... when actually I just want to be able to do things that adults can still do when they have a baby and not a 5yr old...babies just do whatever with you, 5yr olds need attention and need to be entertained, the days/restaurants/locations etc revolve around them. If this was his first child he wouldn't think twice about going on a city break or something. Plus we can go in term time when it's cheaper etc

Anyone else think this is an unreasonable request?

What you're asking for - to live life as fully without DD around as when she is there is not at all unreasonable. I'd not be willing to accept any less myself (and haven't).
I probably have had to give up on a second child because of our situation, which I have hugely struggled with in the past but am at peace with now.
From your later posts I wonder if your partner is over compensating a bit for the perceived short falls of his DD's mum?
My DSC's were very demanding of their Dads time and physical presence but this did lessen in time as they got a bit older too.

I can relate in a few ways OP but I just got on with things. My DSS was 6 when I met him, for context we didn’t have our first until he was 12.
In the nearly 12 years we’ve been together w we’ve only been on one holiday without him- our honeymoon. As DH didn’t want him to miss out. It took me a while to get my head around it, until I saw the heartbreak when his mum would go away with her new partner abroad without him, and he felt sidelined and replaced. From that point I totally got it!!
Yes you want breaks away with the baby and your partner, but even at 5 your DSD would feel left out... I totally get where your DP is coming from.

In terms of the first, I’ve been through a lot of them with DSS but I love him like he is my own. This hasn’t come overnight but I am so so immensely proud of the young adult he has turned into and the achievements along the way. I feel that as a blended family , DH and I, his mum and he partner that eventually we all got it right with him.

It’s a long road being a step mum, and you are in it for the long haul, but it can be so so rewarding

Your feelings are definitely valid, my DH has 2 DC a DSC and now our toddler. So 4th time raising a child, our DS is also the 8th grandchild on DH side. However he is the first on my side, so I share all his firsts with my family because it’s a novelty and I get the reaction I want! As far as worrying about saving your experience of first time milestones for DS it will feel differently when he does it. DSD deserves to have a positive reaction from you for her milestones, but I’m sure you have already realised your love for your DS is very different. It’s tough but it gets easier.
As for the holiday thing, yes you should be able to go on holiday just the 3 of you. However now I have a toddler (15 months) I can safely say our days of non child suitable holidays are over anyway! No way will you be able to do adult things with a child who can’t walk long distances but refuses to go in a buggy! Activities suitable for your DSD a toddler would probably like too. Plus you might welcome having someone to play with DS! So you will probably find it’s easier to take her along.

@Justbecause88 exactly my point re holidays and child's age! He is only 7months so I think we have a year of being able to go to non-child specified places! Although Covid has ruined that!!

@Oh12lookanothernamechange1234 I totally understand your DSS feeling left out. DSD is only 5 though so she wouldn't even know, we just wouldn't say anything and would go when she is at her mums. But anyway; DP made a fuss about it.

The amount of things we have to sacrifice as SP is madness when you really think about it isn't it? The actual parent doesn't sacrifice much at all! x

I think what the parent doesn't have though is their child around all the time. That's something that my DH never got used to.

@Beamur of course, but you could argue, they made their own bed...having a child with someone they shouldn't have, I know all circumstances are different but in my DP case, he was stupid, didn't use protection, rushed into it with someone that was never going to last (he was basically shagging his roommate). If you split with the person you had a child with, or were never with that person in the first place then who's fault is that...? Certainly not the new partners. It's almost the same argument as 'you know they had a child in the first place, blah blah blah'
Yes, and they also knew they had a child in the first place, before getting with a new partner who didn't!!!

I was so conscious of my boy not being treated as the 2nd child, but he is, by his dad and that side of the family I guess because he is. But I want to treat him very much like a first child, as he is mine.

They will treat him as a second child and you can treat him like a first . Nothing wrong with that....for the others to treat him as a first, would be acting like your SD doesn't exist.

I am acutely aware of how my son is never going to have the amount of quality time with his Dad as his Sister has as it was just the 2 of them

But this will be the case with any firstborn. They will have their parents exclusively. My eldest DD has had more time with DH and I because she was our only child until her sister was born.

We have photos of just the 3 of us on holiday...because DD2 wasn't born at that time. It's just how it is. Sometimes I'll say you were in my tummy when we went on that holiday...but she knows she's younger and couldn't be there.

I'm not the firstborn in my family and I remember thinking there were a lot more pics of Dsis than me as a baby...but I think my parents had more time on their hands with just 1 child at that time.

I was however very conscious of this when I had my second child and I took as many pics of her...but many included her older sister too.

Do what you need to do to make special memories...with them being different genders things will be different anyway...don't overthink it.

the bond between DP and my son just won't be as 'special'

Why not? In fact many people would say he'll do stuff with his DS that he may not with his DD. That's not being sexist...just that as time goes on...there may be things your DS prefers that his DD doesn't. They're different people.

My 2 are girls...they have different interests and we bond over different things.

If your DP wants to bond with his DS he will...him being his second child or because his eldest is with you half the time will not prevent that...it's down to your OH.

Honesty I don't understand your thought process. Its not like you were forced to be in this relationship.

you could argue, they made their own bed...having a child with someone they shouldn't have,

I know all circumstances are different but in my DP case, he was stupid, didn't use protection, rushed into it with someone that was never going to last (he was basically shagging his roommate).

If you split with the person you had a child with, or were never with that person in the first place then who's fault is that...?

This isn't a matter of fault or blame. It's a relationship that didn't work out.

Certainly not the new partners. It's almost the same argument as 'you know they had a child in the first place, blah blah blah'
Yes, and they also knew they had a child in the first place, before getting with a new partner who didn't!!!

Yes..but he didn't hide the child. The
choice to be in a relationship with someone who has a child was yours.

It seems like you feel hard done by or as if you're the victim here.

He's not complaining about the situation from what I understand...you are.

You do sound a bit resentful/jealous of his DD and considering he was the 'main parent', I'm wondering how you thought things would pan out. I think if you continue feeling this way your relationship will have issues and you won't be happy.

he always puts her to bed which means I always put my boy to bed,

So he should be able to put DS to bed when his DD isn't there right? Does he?

Life isn't fantastic for his DD...you described the relationship between him and his Ex...shagging his roommate.....you've said her mum isn't great/wasn't ready and her dad is more involved with her school stuff...she's now between 2 homes. Does that sound like an enviable situation to you?

I honestly think it would be useful for peoples getting in a relationship with someone who has kids to have an equivalent of premarriage counselling, then there would be an understanding of the reality and it could save what lies ahead.

[quote Witchymclovely]**@Twinpeaksdancingman* but you must admit it is an unhelpful thing to say. May I ask y you felt the need to say it? Genuinely I’m interested in your logic. @LouJ85* makes a good point and your swerving a reply. You understand perfectly the point she is making. Can you oblige us with an answer.[/quote]

I don't think we should hold our breaths for an answer ...

OP, I think your situation is very different to mine because your DP is the main parent of his DD. If my DP was the primary carer / resident parent (whatever it's called these days!) when we met, I'm not sure things would have progressed in the way they did to be honest. I knew his situation and the contact arrangements he had set up from the start (ie they live with their mum and see him EOW), and I entered into the relationship with him on that basis. Should that ever change in future, would it be a deal breaker? I'm honestly not sure. But I do know that I'd have probably had second thoughts back then when we met - no matter how much he swept me off his feet - if he had primary care of his kids.

I do understand wanting to do some things with "just the 3 of you" as a family. But again, that will naturally happen for us because his kids aren't here as often as it sounds like your DP's daughter is with you. So it's different situations.

I do empathise, it's not easy. And having your own baby throws a different dynamic into mix (our baby is due in a few months so we'll see how things change - obviously I can't predict how i'll feel etc about that just yet).

What I will say is, having a DP who understands the need for balance (quality time with his kids, as well as alone time with a partner, as well as maybe time for just the 3 of you etc...) has helped me. My DP tries to achieve some sort of balance - not easy so I don't envy him! But he doesn't dismiss my feelings or "drop" plans with me last minute if the ex clicks her fingers and demands he has them for extra days, for example. In that way it makes a difference because I feel respected rather than "second best" (as is trotted out on here time and again). But again, my DP's kids don't live primarily with him, and I'm aware it would be quite different if they did.

I hope you find a resolution.

Oh - another thing that's different in my situation is the age gap between the kids. His kids are both teens (well one is a teen and the other is very nearly). So the "will we be able to do things with just the 3 of us when baby arrives" argument seems a little less relevant. As I know for a fact his two's idea of fun is NOT being dragged to a baby soft play or peppa pig world.

@LouJ85 lol exactly!

It's nice your DP knows how to do balance, mine is doing well at trying but I do have to remind or explain how I feel / want I would like etc - he doesn't do it on his own accord.

@Witchymclovely

@Twinpeaksdancingman but you must admit it is an unhelpful thing to say. May I ask y you felt the need to say it? Genuinely I’m interested in your logic.

I think the point that @twinpeaksdancingman is making is that the OP knew the situation before she got into it.

There's no rule to say responses have to be helpful and helpful is subjective. Posters are allowed to state their views/opinions as long as it's within the guidelines. The post wasn't a personal attack ...insulting or abusive in any way, which would be contravening the guidelines.

It's like an OW complaining the married man she's seeing doesn't have enough time for her and cancels arrangements at the last minute....she may not think a response saying you knew he was married is helpful....but it's true...and his reason for cancelling is as a result of his married status that she is well aware of and always has been.

My SIL was expressing certain views not quite along these lines, but her comments had my brother think she wished his DC from his first marriage didn't exist.

She knew about them all along and her saying things like... "It's okay for you or if you didn't
have Luke, Brandon and Vanessa you'd understand.." can come across like wishing they didn't exist.

My DBs response was, well I do have them and I don't regret having them.

Nobody can tell you how to feel, your feelings are yours.....but if you're going to raise it with him...you need to be careful that it doesn't come across as resentment that he has a DD, because he will naturally get defensive and feel he needs to protect her in his responses to you.

I get that it would be your ideal that she wasn't around...but that's not going to change and I think you should realise that he's one of the better dads...he's stepped up when it seems her mum hasn't been able to.

A good dad...will be a good dad to all his children. If not...then I question if he is a good dad.

@SandyY2K that’s your point of view! I’m interested in what motivates @Twinpeaksdancingman to make that comment. I think we know y , no one implied it was abusive. But thank you for taking the time explaining the MN rules it was super HELPFUL of you . Comments like “you knew he had children” are unhelpful but also irrelevant. There are to many variables surrounding blended families to give it any meaning. You may be able to apply it to your circumstances but as a SM of 18 years I would find it insulting. I failed miserably at being a SM, there was no crystal ball that could have predicted this and it was not my failings alone that were responsible. Comments like this crush an SMs self esteem. It’s a completely unintelligent comment to make.

I think the point that @twinpeaksdancingman is making is that the OP knew the situation before she got into it.

I don't agree with this.

She knew he had a child. But she didn't know what the day to day reality of that life would be like until she took a leap of faith and tried it.

Much like planning a baby with a partner for the first time. You can have a hypothetical (or even idealised) sense or image of "this is how it will be", but until that baby arrives and you're living the day to day reality, you don't really truly know how it's going to feel, or indeed how it's going to impact your life and relationship with your partner. Most people make it work, granted. They have no choice once baby is there! But that doesn't mean you can say to every new mum who's drained, exhausted, bickering with her partner, and wondering what the hell she did by having a baby .... "well, you know what, you knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant, didn't you". Actually, unless she's done it before, no, she didn't.

And I think step parents on here have that line thrown at them time and again, unfairly so. Because it's never thrown at first time mums in the same way. And a step mum's crystal ball is no better than a new mum's - we all live and learn by experience, after all. That's why it can often feel like an unhelpful, dismissive comment on these boards.

But you're right - it's not against the rules to be unhelpful. Hence why no one has reported that particular post - I guess we are just wondering about what motivates someone to come into a step parenting forum and make unhelpful comments of a similar nature, time and again...