Cancelled plans for today

[kitttykattt]

Merry Christmas! I'm just posting on here to get some perspective really. I stayed at DP's house Xmas Eve and left early Xmas morning. His DC went to his not long after I'd gone, plan was for them to go home around midday today. DP was then coming to mine this afternoon, having dinner and staying the night. DP has just text to say that his DC wants to stay another night tonight and he's agreed, which has obviously cancelled our plans. How would you feel about this? His DC asks to stay extra quite a lot and DP always agrees (I have no problem with this at all as it's great he sees his child lots), I just feel a bit put out. Just wanted to have a quick vent on here as we very rarely get child free time (mine are at their Dad's today and overnight).

[quote kitttykattt]@ProfessorInkling I'm not sure. He talks about us moving in on a regular basis but then he disappears and I don't see him when he has his DC (apart from on the odd occasion when we all do things together). [/quote]

He sounds like a man who likes to compartmentalise his life, so when he sees you, he doesn't see his DC, and vice verse.

If you were happy with that, you would be absolutely fine with the situation and continuing the relationship, but it sounds like you want more from your DP than a man who treats you as a part-time convenience.

*vice-versa

He’s out of order for dropping you at the last minute. I’d be pretty pissed off to be honest

There is no way she would swap contact weekend, and DC would not ask her to either. I've asked my ex but they have it in sync with his wife's kids and their Dad.
What a sad situation, three lots of children that don’t get to live with both mum and dad and contact worked out to suit the adults.

[quote kitttykattt]@ProfessorInkling I'm not sure. He talks about us moving in on a regular basis but then he disappears and I don't see him when he has his DC (apart from on the odd occasion when we all do things together). [/quote]
I had an acquitance who was seeing a man who was going to her house, bonded with her children, but didn't mix his children with them. This relationship lasted about a year and very soon after that man was married to another woman.
And the acquitance met another man who made her a part of his family (eventhough they don't live together in order not to removing the kids from their respective schools).
if after 4 years you're not sure where you stand, it's really time to think about what you really want.

Yeah I'd not be happy. My partner used to do this a lot and I eventually told him it wasn't on. Tonight, I had plans with my partner, my kids are at their dads, one of my kids rang me to ask if she could stay with me tonight, I said sorry not tonight as I have plans, which is the truth! I wasn't going to cancel on my partner because my daughter fancied a change of scenery, that's all it was, plus she was with her dad, it's their time. If I didn't have plans I would have of course said yes if her dad said it was ok.

My point is, I did feel a bit bad saying no, but at the same time I had plans genuinely on a night I knew I wouldn't have the kids. I love my kids, their needs come first, but not necessarily their wants.

You need to speak to him about this, 100%, if you've met his child already I don't see why he didn't suggest you go over there too. Definitely speak to him, but I doubt he's done it deliberately.

What a sad situation, three lots of children that don’t get to live with both mum and dad and contact worked out to suit the adults.

Of course the contact is worked out to suit the adults - they're the people responsible for facilitating it so it's perfectly natural it is worked out around them. You just saw that she mentioned working around other members of a blended family (ie the kids step mum) and objected on principle, when in reality there is nothing sad about a schedule that involves adults being worked around them and their lives.

@aSofaNearYou Thank you - I did think that was an odd comment for someone to make! There are shift patterns, other kids contact patterns, all sorts of things to consider so contact will always be worked out around the adults!

@aSofaNearYou

What a sad situation, three lots of children that don’t get to live with both mum and dad and contact worked out to suit the adults.

Of course the contact is worked out to suit the adults - they're the people responsible for facilitating it so it's perfectly natural it is worked out around them. You just saw that she mentioned working around other members of a blended family (ie the kids step mum) and objected on principle, when in reality there is nothing sad about a schedule that involves adults being worked around them and their lives.

Completely agree - what an odd comment.
How many things in life do adults have to take the responsibility for and work things out for the kids?? Bloody hundreds!! But god forbid you need to plan a schedule or work anything out for precious stepchildren... you'll scar them for life!!

OP how do you see this relationship moving forwards? It's been 4 years and it sounds like mine was after 6 months. Is there any way for things to progress or will it always be like this?

@FestiveFannyGallops He talks about us moving in together quite a lot but then when he has his child he stays at his, there's not much blending going on. We do things sometimes (like days out), but the general day to day stuff, sleepovers doesn't happen which is why I'm worried about us moving in together before it has.

You're right to be cautious. Ideally there should be a period of transition with slowing merging lives, not after four years suddenly appearing there in the children's lives before they've really got to know their step parent at all.

But what do you want? It's likely to still be this was in another 4 years. He's possibly future faking to keep you invested.

[quote kitttykattt]@FestiveFannyGallops He talks about us moving in together quite a lot but then when he has his child he stays at his, there's not much blending going on. We do things sometimes (like days out), but the general day to day stuff, sleepovers doesn't happen which is why I'm worried about us moving in together before it has. [/quote]
I know its just a snapshot from one thread but after 4 years it does sound like he isn't really that into it. What do you want OP? Do you want to move in and blend families, or live separately until the children (sorry I don't recall if you said how old yours are?) are grown up? I don't think there is anything wrong with living separately tbh, its refreshing to see kids being put first and that's so much easier to do if you live separately.